The Little Drummer Boy: An Unholy Racket

Recaps

By J-Mo | Thursday, December 27, 2012 | 10:00 am | 15 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Featured, Recaps

Ew, that rope looks itchy. In any case, Dildo-Nose and Ali continue to creep closer, until finally they jump out and surprise Aaron, only to find…

Screenshot 11-5

that they’ve been stalking Liza instead!

Dildo-Nose quickly restrains Aaron, leaving dumb-ass Ali to deal with the animals, whom I thought would have scampered away to freedom now that their little drill sergeant is being manhandled by the fat guy…

Screenshot 12-5

“That better be a latke in your pocket!”

Sadly, Joshua is stupid (even for a camel) and winds up running neck-first into the rope lasso thrown by Ali. Then Samson the Donkey pulls off his patented AssKickin’ Ass-Kick™, which sends Ali flying through the air to face-plant in the sand. Again, instead of running for the hills, Joshua and Samson just stand around waiting until Ali recovers enough to bounce back and grab both the rope and Samson’s neck. At this point, Baba the Lamb has finished peeing behind a sand dune and jumps out to chomp onto Ali’s leg…

Screenshot 13-5

and now everyone appears to be enjoying this scene a little too much

Finally, Ali subdues Baba by sitting on him. (*sideways eye*) I know. Disturbs me, too. In any case, still struggling with the 1/17th-his-size Aaron, a strangely out-of-breath Dildo-Nose tells him he may not know it yet, but this is going to be the luckiest day of his life. Aaaand cue THE SONG…

Screenshot 14-7

career highlights

Oh well, even Academy Award winners sometimes need to just pick up a paycheck (Cuba Gooding Jr. in Boat Trip, anyone?). As for the song “Little Drummer Boy” itself… I always pictured the singers as a bunch of pretty ladies wearing gauzy white high-necked dresses, holding candles and looking very pious and flammable. I didn’t realize it was the Vienna Boys Choir, and somehow, I still see them wearing gauzy white high-necked dresses and holding candles…

Choirboys

but looking frightened and flammable, which is far more appropriate

OK, back to the story! Snoot-Lady says Aaron fought and fought and fought Dildo-Nose and Ali. Being in a show choir was not popular in those days and he didn’t want to go to the big city anyhow, because it was totally true that he hated all people. Dildo-Nose tries to convince him otherwise, saying there’s a lot of money to be made, and Ali (still fighting with the animals for some reason) says the taxpayers waiting to be counted will grow bored and want a tax-break entertainment… entertainment that Dildo-Nose says only he, as “King Of The Desert Showmen” can provide…

Wayne-Newton

sorry, Dildo, but this will always be the King Of The Desert Showmen

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J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

15 Comments

  1. 1
    ash310
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Oh we weren’t even allowed to open our gifts til after Mass. We would make our parents take us to the 6 AM Christmas Mass. Once we were old enough we would go to midnight Mass so that it would be over with before morning. Of course that required getting to church at about 10:30 PM in order to get a seat.

  2. 2
    WTH
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Lol nice recap. Strangely enough I used to love this when I was a kid. Btw, the narrator (Greer Garson) really was British but I agree the accent was pretty snooty.

  3. 3
    Angela Parisi LaRoe
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    I am glad someone else hated it as much as I did. I am a pastor kid and we always had to sit through the Christmas story before we opened presents. I don’t really mind it so much now but back then, I kept saying to myself, “I want my Gameboy and my PS2!”

  4. 4
    arizonatom arizonatom
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    Cute recap of a crappy story! I don’t remember seeing it as a kid. I don’t remember going to church on Christmas morning, but my folks says that we did. Maybe their just telling that story now that they’re approaching the Pearly Gates?? Hmmmmmm, I wonder…..

  5. 5
    thiajok
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    Wow, I never realized before how lucky I was that my parents had drunken parties on Christmas eve night. I was always bright-eyed-and-bushy-tailed for Christmas morning even if they weren’t. But, to their credit, they made it work.

    I never liked this holiday show, either. I liked Frosty, Peanuts, and Rudolph. But my favorite was the Grinch.

  6. 6
    ohralphie
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    I remember watching this — but I liked it. Does anyone else remember the stop motion show about the long eared donkey whose mother was killed in front of it but then it gave Mary a ride into Jerusalem and used its massive ears to keep her warm? Guilt, tears and a slight chance at redemption — the perfect Catholic Christmas Story.
    I couldn’t stand Frosty. I find nothing entertaining about a ‘special’ snowman. Who knew snow could have chromosonal disorders?

  7. 7
    Bioscotto
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 9:46 pm

    @ohralphie: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! *shiver*

  8. 8
    John Bender
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 10:41 pm

    I sure used to love all the Claymation and stop-motion animation Christmas specials when I was growing up…

    EXCEPT THIS ONE. What a steaming turd this special was every year. The animation was half-assed, the story was completely cobbled together, and I always found myself wanting to kick the crap out of Aaron before the special was halfway over. The songs – oh, the songs – were especially awful and lazily written, as I’m glad you pointed out, J-Mo. Gee, and Wikipedia tells me that I’m exactly the same age as this barrel of crap. We were both born on 19 December 1968. GAH.

    J-Mo, congratulations on making this recap the best thing to ever be associated with this flaming turd of a Christmas special.

  9. 9
    thatswhatshesaid
    Posted December 25, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    I don’t think I have ever seen this special. If I have, I blocked it out. I know I’ve seen Frosty and Rudolph before, but I don’t remember them either. The only cartoon I faithfully still watch and love is a Charlie Brown Christmas. I don’t really like Claymation or Stop Motion shows.

  10. 10
    Zbird
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    “They are lucky they weren’t stoned, and I don’t mean the flying goose kind.” Comic genius, ladies and gents.

    I, too, watched this a gazillion times as a kid, but I guess I was suckered in because I actually looked forward to it. Your recap is a hilarious take on it. Awesome.

  11. 11
    SusanB
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    Are you sure the only thing that happened to Mama was getting burned up? Why didn’t she run out of the house? Bandits and Theives are not likely to let a doll like her get away. I can’t believe they showed Daddy getting knifed in the chest! What kind of kids show is this?

  12. 12
    labowner
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    Why does Al enjoy the extra letter in front of Mo? Why not A-Mo?

    Loved the drummer boy or was it just the song that gave me chills?

    Loved the Grinch, but the best Christmas cartoon/stop motion was The Year Without A Santa Claus featuring Heat and Freeze Mizer and their mom, Mother Nature.

  13. 13
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    @SusanB, never fear, I photoshopped that knife going into daddy’s chest, the real film just showed him collapsing after the bandit threw the knife (I do a lot of image manipulation in my recaps)… :)

    @labowner, the reason for Al-Mo instead of A-Mo is because that was my little brother’s real nickname in high-school… :)

    love, J-Mo :)

  14. 14
    whatwhat
    Posted December 28, 2012 at 2:00 am

    @ohralphie You’re talking about Nestor the donkey, right? This one – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2m1GnBM53-0

    Which oh lord is it ever depressing as all get out

  15. 15
    Jaime Sommers
    Posted December 28, 2012 at 11:10 am

    I loved this Christmas special growing up and bawled like a toddler the last time I saw it… um in 2011 on DVD. The little lamb being crushed by the carriage destroyed me every time. I have such affection for this special I’m guessing because as with Aaron, I like animals more than people. Does anyone remember The Night the Animals Talked?

    I DESPISE Frosty, who to me is nothing but a fat snowy pedophile.

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