The Little Drummer Boy: An Unholy Racket

Recaps

By J-Mo | Thursday, December 27, 2012 | 10:00 am | 15 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Featured, Recaps

Setting up camp out in the suburbs of the city, Ali suddenly spots a fabulous nearby camp where not one, not two, but three fabulous kings are hanging out…

Screenshot 32-5

“So an Asian guy, an Irish guy and a Black guy walk into a gay hookah bar…”

Dildo-Nose gets a total erection when he spies these three dudes, I guess maybe he’s tired of Ali’s cheap white-trash ass and wants some kingly boo-tay “from the East” (or “the Orient” as Snoot-Lady describes their national origins). In any case, these three fellas in flamboyant hats (and fabulous shoes!) have been following this amazing star through the desert…

Screenshot 33-5

wait, that’s it? let me jazz it up a little bit…

Screenshot 34-5

ok now that’s a star worth following

After about a full minute of this cartoon showing nothing but that boring white starburst graphic, Snoot-Lady comes back to tell us it is “the Starrrr Of Bethlehem which shawn so brrrrightly” (“shawn” = “shown” in Snoot-ese) and that Dildo-Nose and Ali didn’t see it in all of it’s fabulousness because “their haaarts arrre too filled with grrrreed”…

Screenshot 35-5

and their crotches too filled with sand

The Professor of Haterology there (Aaron) also can’t see it because, duh, he’s too busy hating every one in the universe for the deaths of his parents. I don’t wanna be cold and say “GET OVER IT” or anything, but his little Blame Game is getting kind of tiresome. Still, I wish there was some way to make him feel better. If only he’d been one of Joan Crawford’s kids, maybe he wouldn’t have found this situation so upsetting. Or if only his dad had learned how to duck…

Anyhow, Dildo-Nose starts threatcajoling Aaron, telling him if he pulls off a great performance for these guys he’ll give him half the money AND set him free!…

Screenshot 36-4

right now Aaron just wishes Dildo would use a Tic-Tac once in a while

Realizing that he’d clearly be set for life with half of an unknown amount of money, Aaron agrees to do the show, eager to get back to hating on shitty people and torturing his little mammal menagerie. They enter the Kings’ camp and go up to meet Milkywhite, Gaspy and Saladbar… only to find that they are breaking camp because they want to leave to go follow the star some more. Dildo-Nose is crushed and falls to his knees begging for Gaspy to give him and his group a chance to perform for them…

Screenshot 37-4

even if that means performing a little free fellatio as well

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J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

15 Comments

  1. 1
    ash310
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Oh we weren’t even allowed to open our gifts til after Mass. We would make our parents take us to the 6 AM Christmas Mass. Once we were old enough we would go to midnight Mass so that it would be over with before morning. Of course that required getting to church at about 10:30 PM in order to get a seat.

  2. 2
    WTH
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Lol nice recap. Strangely enough I used to love this when I was a kid. Btw, the narrator (Greer Garson) really was British but I agree the accent was pretty snooty.

  3. 3
    Angela Parisi LaRoe
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    I am glad someone else hated it as much as I did. I am a pastor kid and we always had to sit through the Christmas story before we opened presents. I don’t really mind it so much now but back then, I kept saying to myself, “I want my Gameboy and my PS2!”

  4. 4
    arizonatom arizonatom
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    Cute recap of a crappy story! I don’t remember seeing it as a kid. I don’t remember going to church on Christmas morning, but my folks says that we did. Maybe their just telling that story now that they’re approaching the Pearly Gates?? Hmmmmmm, I wonder…..

  5. 5
    thiajok
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    Wow, I never realized before how lucky I was that my parents had drunken parties on Christmas eve night. I was always bright-eyed-and-bushy-tailed for Christmas morning even if they weren’t. But, to their credit, they made it work.

    I never liked this holiday show, either. I liked Frosty, Peanuts, and Rudolph. But my favorite was the Grinch.

  6. 6
    ohralphie
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    I remember watching this — but I liked it. Does anyone else remember the stop motion show about the long eared donkey whose mother was killed in front of it but then it gave Mary a ride into Jerusalem and used its massive ears to keep her warm? Guilt, tears and a slight chance at redemption — the perfect Catholic Christmas Story.
    I couldn’t stand Frosty. I find nothing entertaining about a ‘special’ snowman. Who knew snow could have chromosonal disorders?

  7. 7
    Bioscotto
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 9:46 pm

    @ohralphie: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! *shiver*

  8. 8
    John Bender
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 10:41 pm

    I sure used to love all the Claymation and stop-motion animation Christmas specials when I was growing up…

    EXCEPT THIS ONE. What a steaming turd this special was every year. The animation was half-assed, the story was completely cobbled together, and I always found myself wanting to kick the crap out of Aaron before the special was halfway over. The songs – oh, the songs – were especially awful and lazily written, as I’m glad you pointed out, J-Mo. Gee, and Wikipedia tells me that I’m exactly the same age as this barrel of crap. We were both born on 19 December 1968. GAH.

    J-Mo, congratulations on making this recap the best thing to ever be associated with this flaming turd of a Christmas special.

  9. 9
    thatswhatshesaid
    Posted December 25, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    I don’t think I have ever seen this special. If I have, I blocked it out. I know I’ve seen Frosty and Rudolph before, but I don’t remember them either. The only cartoon I faithfully still watch and love is a Charlie Brown Christmas. I don’t really like Claymation or Stop Motion shows.

  10. 10
    Zbird
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    “They are lucky they weren’t stoned, and I don’t mean the flying goose kind.” Comic genius, ladies and gents.

    I, too, watched this a gazillion times as a kid, but I guess I was suckered in because I actually looked forward to it. Your recap is a hilarious take on it. Awesome.

  11. 11
    SusanB
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    Are you sure the only thing that happened to Mama was getting burned up? Why didn’t she run out of the house? Bandits and Theives are not likely to let a doll like her get away. I can’t believe they showed Daddy getting knifed in the chest! What kind of kids show is this?

  12. 12
    labowner
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    Why does Al enjoy the extra letter in front of Mo? Why not A-Mo?

    Loved the drummer boy or was it just the song that gave me chills?

    Loved the Grinch, but the best Christmas cartoon/stop motion was The Year Without A Santa Claus featuring Heat and Freeze Mizer and their mom, Mother Nature.

  13. 13
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    @SusanB, never fear, I photoshopped that knife going into daddy’s chest, the real film just showed him collapsing after the bandit threw the knife (I do a lot of image manipulation in my recaps)… :)

    @labowner, the reason for Al-Mo instead of A-Mo is because that was my little brother’s real nickname in high-school… :)

    love, J-Mo :)

  14. 14
    whatwhat
    Posted December 28, 2012 at 2:00 am

    @ohralphie You’re talking about Nestor the donkey, right? This one – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2m1GnBM53-0

    Which oh lord is it ever depressing as all get out

  15. 15
    Jaime Sommers
    Posted December 28, 2012 at 11:10 am

    I loved this Christmas special growing up and bawled like a toddler the last time I saw it… um in 2011 on DVD. The little lamb being crushed by the carriage destroyed me every time. I have such affection for this special I’m guessing because as with Aaron, I like animals more than people. Does anyone remember The Night the Animals Talked?

    I DESPISE Frosty, who to me is nothing but a fat snowy pedophile.

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