Hi Gasmii! P-Baby here to bring you the next installment of Moviegasm. Well, as you’ve probably noticed, work keeps getting in the way of my couch sitting which is really annoying but bills gots to be paid, yo. Anyway, I will try my ass off to get back on track, but until then, well, we’ll just have to deal with it. Anyway, I decided this week’s chosen flick was going to The Neverending Story because 1. I’ve been on a kick lately of watching childhood movies that creeped me the fuck out and 2. The other day my bestie and I were discussing what a great movie Ladybugs is and how much I loved Jonathan Brandis growing up. Yes, Gasmii, I know he’s not in this movie. But he is in the sequel. Which is an absolutely abysmal movie that I proudly own and watch due to the aforementioned actor. I still get sad every time the Thanksgiving episode of Saved By The Bell: The College Years airs on TBS Friday mornings. R.I.P. Jon. You’re still missed.
Sorry to start the recap off on such a sad note. Maybe this will cheer us up.
The flick opens with a bastard of a thunderstorm signaling impending doom on whatever city it decides to park its ass over while lovely lady tells me to Turn Around….Look at what you seeeeeeeeeeeee…Rhymes that keep their secrets will unfold behind the clouds. There upon the rainbow is the answer to a never ending storyyyyyyy la da da la da da la da da. Question. Does it make me a loser if I have this song on my iPod? And holy shit, I just looked up Limahl on Google and the lovely lady is a dude!
So after the thunderstorm subsides for a bit, we are introduced to Bastian Balthazar Bux (Seriously? No wonder his ass got kicked on a daily basis.) who is dreading another day at school. See, Bastian’s problem is that a gang of bullies constantly make his life hell because he draws unicorns on his homework and can’t even open a jar of jelly.
Part of Bastian’s funk is that his mom died recently and he’s having trouble concentrating in school. His dad scolds him about not doing his homework and not trying out for the swim team. Dad’s got his own problems since he apparently drinks a cocktail of orange juice and raw eggs for breakfast. OK, Hulkamania. He wants Bastian to stop daydreaming but Bastian’s all “STFU Dad, unicorns don’t swim, they fly,” and takes off for school.
On his walk to school, the bullies confront Bastian again and want his lunch money. They chase him down the street and throw him in the dumpster for not providing the cash. But seeing as it’s 1984, those idiots are really expending a lot of energy for 50 cents. Especially since there are 3 of them.
Bastian pulls himself out of the dumpster but runs into the bullies again who chase him down the street. Bastian takes cover in an old book store and is told to get out by the crochety store owner. He decides to ignore the owner and goes to talk to him. He proves his love for books to the old man by rattling off a list of classics like Treasure Island and The Last of the Mohicans that I don’t believe for one second he’s actually read.
Bastian is curious about the book the storekeeper is reading after he implies that the story could actually be real. With Bastian’s imagination running a mile a minute, the phone rings pulling the shopkeeper away and the book unattended. Using his tiny hands, he steals the book, leaving the shopkeeper a note that he’ll bring it back when he’s done with it. After delving into the whole unicorn thing, Bastian’s dad may want to also revisit with him the difference between an actual book store and a library at some point.
Bastian arrives at school and after seeing that the class he’s currently skipping is about to take a math test, he says “Fuck that,” and high tails it to the school attic. With this work ethic, how on earth did Bastian even learn to read? Upstairs, he makes himself at home on a dusty gym mat and prepares to embark on an incredible journey.
We enter the campground of a racing snail, his fancypants owner who apparently got some time off from the Chocolate Factory to fuck around with his snail, Nighthob, and Nighthob’s pet bat taking a break from their cross country journey to go to the Ivory Tower in order to see the Empress of Fantasia. Rock Biter rolls up on his big wheel and even though he’s big and fat, he’s a pretty docile fellow whose eyes are really close together. They all share their stories of something mysterious called The Nothing sweeping by their respective areas of Fantasia which is why they have all been sent on their mission of visiting The Empress.
The group takes off on their respective modes of transportation and my money’s on the snail since the bat seems pretty lazy and is probably going to shit the whole way there. As the Rock Biter prepares to leave, The Nothing catches up to them so he gets his ass in gear and takes off on his Big Wheel. They finally reach the outskirts of the Ivory Tower and are in awe of its beauty.
Somewhere along the way it was decided that this anemic, skinny Childlike Empress bitch was the only hope for the survival of Fantasia but she’s so weak that she sends Danny Glover’s conehead doppelganger through the Ivory vagina to break the news that she’s not going to do shit to save her own people.
Here’s the sorry bitch herself. Quit with the sad eyes and go eat a Happy Meal.
So Danny tells them that the Empress is on her deathbed because her illness is linked to The Nothing destroying the land. Since she can’t do anything, the only possible chance of survival lies in the hands of the fearless warrior from the Plains people named…ATREYU!
Needless to say, leaving the fate of their entire universe in the hands of a pretty little boy is giving the Fantasia residents cause for alarm.
In hopes that Atreyu doesn’t fuck things up royally, he is given a gaudy medallion known as the Auryn to wear around his neck for protection. Unbeknownst to Atreyu, that crappy necklace is definitely not going to keep this bad ass motherfucker from eating him in about a half hour.
And in case any of you were wondering what the Auryn looks like, never fear! There are a plethora of assholes who have the damn thing tattooed to their body. Seriously. Take a peak.
Equipped with his Auryn, his loyal steed Artax, and a set of slammin’ suede threads Atreyu takes off across the land on his way to The Swamp of Sadness to pay a visit to Morla who is supposedly the wisest being in all of Fantasia. Make that equipped with his Auryn since upon arriving at The Swamp of Sadness, Atreyu is now minus one horse and his clothes have shit all over them.
While Atreyu is upset to lose his closest companian, Bastian takes the loss even harder.
Atreyu presses onward with the mission at hand, finally discovering Morla, the Ancient One and the Wisest One as well. Morla apparently isn’t that wise since she lives in the most depressing place on earth besides Pakistan. Atreyu is startled to say the least when Morla unfurls herself from her shell and blows snot everywhere. And by startled I mean he screams like a bitch and falls out of a tree.
After toying with Atreyu a bit, Morla gives him a little advice.
Meanwhile, back at school, the bell rings and all the normal children with friends and grasps on reality head home to after school snacks and TV. Bastian keeps his Pegasus loving ass parked in the attic, flipping pages and sucking at life.
After receiving his advice from Morla, Atreyu heads off again and at the pace he is walking, he’ll make it to the Southern Oracle in, oh, about 37 years give or take a decade. The sadness is beginning to get to him which is convenient for Gmork, whose tubby ass is hauling through the Swamp in hot pursuit of Atreyu. Just as Atreyu is about to call it a night and succomb to the swamp, a giant flying dog arrives just in time to pull him out of the swamp and out of Gmork’s jaws.
It seems the mysterious creature that saved Atreyu’s life is named Falkor who is a luck dragon by trade. Atreyu tries to sneak away without waking Falkor but he gets caught and Falkor gives him shit for leaving without saying goodbye. Turns out Falkor did Atreyu a pretty major solid and flew him almost the entire way to the Southern Oracle.
After being nudged in the right direction by Falkor, Atreyu comes upon the home of Engywook and Urgl who have been eagerly anticipating his arrival after tending to his wounds while he was passed the fuck out.
Engywook is an expert on the Southern Oracle and is more than delighted to give Atreyu advice on how to get past the gates that guard the Oracle. At the top of a mountain, Engywook has a telescope made out of magic rocks which he uses to spy on the idiots that attempt to make it through past the first gate consisting of two sphinxes. Convenientally, one of these idiots is attempting to pass right now, getting blasted by some lasers flying out of the sphinxes’ eyes.
Atreyu decides he needs to see those jugs close up and leaves Engywook behind to give it a whirl. Engywook is convinced he’s not going to make it, but Atreyu puts faith in his Auryn and after ogling those mythical mammeries for a few minutes, runs himself through the gate avoiding the laser eyes of death and enabling the continuance of his journey. The whole moral of the first gate is that you’ve got to be confident in your ability to stare unabashedly at big ol titties when they’re poking you in the face.
After the first gate, Atreyu arrives at the next gate known as the Magic Mirror gate, which forces its challengers to really see deep inside themselves which is often a truth too hard to face. Atreyu cautiously approaches the mirror, looking closely at his reflection. Well looky there. A reflection of a bowl-cutted Bastian reading looks back at him freaking both of them out. Bastian chucks the book but then decides, “Eh, not much else going on in this realm. May as well save Fantasia. I’ll bet the Childlike Empress will let me touch her boob.”
In a real mind fuck, Atreyu arrives at a set of Sphinxes that look exactly like the first gate only this time they are glowing and blue.
The Southern Oracle assures Atreyu they mean him no harm and whisper to him that the diva Empress just needs a new name and Fantasia will be saved. The catch is that only a human child can rename her. Atreyu’s all, “Where the hell will I find such an annoying, miserable creature?” and the Oracle says, “Tough titties, A-Slice, figure it out for your damn self. We got our own problems,” and then promptly falls apart.
Atreyu calls for Falkor because he’s an incompetent little bitch and has the balls to tell Falkor to pick up the pace on their race towards the boundaries of Fantasia. Hey Atreyu, why don’t you stop riding Falkor’s ass for a hot minute and do a little walking yourself. Falkor just flew you 10,ooo miles and all you did was give him a half-assed pet on the head. Luck dragons need love too. And sleep.
Well Falkor and Atreyu fly themselves right into the heart of the nothing, resulting in a dropped Atreyu falling into nowhere. Falkor acts all distraught but I’m pretty sure he’s smiling on the inside.
Atreyu washes up on a crappy beach and once again starts riding Falkor’s ass, screaming for him and wondering where he is. Atreyu has also lost the Auryn so in a nutshell, he’s completely failed at his mission and lost the only item given to him for protection. In addition, Gmork is one pissed off wolfdog who’s been running like this entire movie so he’s probably famished at this point.
Atreyu leans up against a rock wall only to find that it is our long lost friend the Rock Biter who is also lamenting the loss of something special. Only in his case, his sausage fingers lost hold of the snail dude. I’d say Rock Biter wins at this pity party.
It occurred to me that the Auryn was kind of like the Neverending Story’s answer to ruby slippers. But how much more ass would this movie kick if Atreyu was traipsing around the Fantasian country side in sparkly red pumps? I’m sure there is an inevitable crappy remake just a few years around the corner. Let’s make it happen.
After his talk with the Rock Biter, the ground suddenly starts to break apart and Atreyu discovers a whole bunch of wall paintings depicting his journey throughout Fantasia. Under normal circumstances this would be extremely creepy but I guess this fact is lost on Atreyu as just then he comes face to face with Gmork.
Gmork explains to Atreyu that essentially Fantasia consists of the hopes and dreams of humanity and that The Nothing represents despair and apathy towards imagination. Gmork also twists the knife a little and tells him those Fantasia boundaries that cost him his Auryn and one luck dragon don’t even exist.
Well Gmork hasn’t run all this way for naught and decides it’s time to chow down. He lunges at Atreyu who actually grows a pair and manages to stab Gmork dead.
Falkor pulls through yet again and manages to find the Auryn at the bottom of the ocean. He flies quickly and rescues Atreyu just as The Nothing is about to overcome where he stands. Falkor wins MVP with the clutch rescues and saves throughout this flick. We all could use a little Falkor in our lives.
Atreyu wakes up on Falkor’s back only this time, Fantasia has been destroyed proving all of Atreyu’s naysayers 100% correct. Floating around them are chunks of what used to be Fantasia and lucky for them, the Ivory Tower has remained in tact and is floating right in front of them. Atreyu reports to the Childlike Empress that he failed his mission of saving Fantasia. All he needed was to find a human child to rename her and he couldn’t even do that. He did manage to kill a horse and almost die like 15 times. The Childlike Empress is all, “Bitch, you are lucky that nosy kid is listening in on us right now or else your ass would be polishing my ivory bedpan. Now get me a Coke and get the hell out. And take your weird, scaly dog with you.”
After reading this, Bastian is all hold the fucking phone and realizes that the Childlike Empress is talking about him. She begs him to give her a new name as the Ivory walls begin to crack around them. She whines incessantly to Bastian for him to give her a new name. Consider Bastian’s pea brain blown.
So Bastian finally gets off his lazy ass and runs to the window to yell out the Empress’s new name. New name is….drumroll…Moon Child? The fuck?
After he yells the name, everything goes dark. Finally after getting tired of Bastian’s sticky fingers trying to cop a feel for saving Fantasia, Moon Child unveils a tiny grain of sand to brighten up the room. She explains to Bastian that the single grain of sand is all that remains and it is up to him to rebuild Fantasia by way of making wishes and having dreams. She passes off the sand and wants to know what his first wish is going to be. She also lets him know his wishes are unlimited so don’t worry about blowing them on stupid things like getting back at the bullies who throw you in the trash.
Guess alls well that ends well in the world of Fantasia. Except for one thing…