THE Premiere of The REAL L Word!

A dear friend of mine was having a get together in celebration of Pride in West Hollywood last week.  About one beer later I was giggling with Flipit about something before I made an all too common observation. I interrupted my host friend clucking around a fire pit with a small gaggle of men and asked jokingly,  ”Where’s all the bitches?”  They all laughed at me. Then one of them said “I’m kind of a bitch.”  Which even THAT turned out to be untrue. He was rather nice, actually. And the boys were adorable but they had wieners. Wieners that they wouldn’t use on women anyway… The next day we went to the Pride parade and although we had just missed the parade there was still plenty of eye candy for Flipit. I was only window shopping but I swear you guys there was not a lesbian in site!  At a PRIDE PARADE. Okay, there was one or two every now and then but I’d rather just NOT remember those girls, bless their hearts. It sounds horrible to say this but you might has well just put a mullet wig on a giant pear…  THIS is the REAL life of a 30ish year old lesbian living in Los Angeles.  Let’s see how it stacks up against the Real L Word… I’ve only seen promos but it already looks a little too much like The L Word, which, I have to admit you guys, wasn’t my favorite show ever. I’ll spare you the whys and just tell you the things I DID love about the fictional version:

1. The sex scenes.

2. Jenny Shuester goes crazy scenes

3. Kit Porter (really just Pam Grier is awesome)

Now,  I’m certainly not expecting Kit Porter to be popping in to deliver her one of her “This is some crazy cracka lesbian bullshit” lines.   But I DO expect crazy lesbian drama and lots of sexy times to at least make this worth watching…  Were those two criterion met? Ol’ Birschy is excited to find out!

There’s a cold opening with some happy guitar music and all the girls are talking about their first sexual experience with a woman in uncomfortable looking chairs. Except for Mikey. She walked in from behind a weird art piece with sunglasses on and gave a Zoolander look to the camera. Which I laughed really hard at… But then she talked about her experience and used the terms “fucking horny” and “eating pussy,” so then we were cool with each other…

Mikey also starts us off with the opening credits. She’s sitting on a motorcycle. Also,  I think there’s a small toy motorcycle sitting on top of her head, covered by hair.

Then there’s Tracy. She’s holding a skateboard like she’s never rode one before.

Here’s Nikki. She likes blazers with shoulder pads.

This is Jill. She likes women who wear blazers with shoulder pads.

Here’s Whitney, mon. Yaaay, Whitney. And beer.

And finally, Rose. Es un placer, Rose.

Forgive the surface level descriptions, my darlings but that’s all ol’ Birschy has to work with at the moment. And COME ON! What’s up with opening music? It’s almost as bad as the L Word’s opening theme music. Not the first season. The first season’s music was actually pretty decent. I mean the one by Betty. Betty is pretty cool normally but I just could NOT take the song seriously.  It’s like they wrote it for some tough lesbian secret fraternity. (I used fraternity on purpose.) Every week, I would cringe and fast forward thought the opening, especially when it got to the part that goes  ”flying, fucking, crying, dreaming, screaming, peeing, barfing, pooping” or however it went… That’s how it went in my head.

Whitney picks up a couple of gaybo similarly tattooed friends at LAX, in town from San Francisco. One of which she’s made out with before, Sara. Or Sada? That’s how they’re pronouncing it anyway. They go straight from the airport to lunching and talk about how the lesbians in LA are more femmey. Which is true, generally. I’m with Whit though. I believe that gaybos are a bit more polished here in LALA land. But where these shiny lesbians for Pride??? Long Beach? In a confessional, Sara talks about how amazing Whitney is and Whitney seems to be into her as well. Except, guess what guys, Sara lives in San Francisco…

Then we learn about Nikki and Jill. They’ve been together for a year and they’re engaged. They’ve known each other since they were kids and I’m actually really enjoying watching them together. It’s really frikeen cute. The manicure thing was a little strange. And Nikki’s “this little piggy went to Gucci and this little piggy went to H&M cause you gotta keep it real” was stranger… Apparently, Nikk’s not really into the “lesbian scene.” What do these ladies do for a living, by the way? They seem pretty well off.

Onto to Mikey. She has her own PR and marketing firm that works mostly with the fashion biz. We also got to meet her girlfriend, Raquel. Raquel is also involved in the fashion biz as she is a make-up artist. Mikey is starting to grow on me cause she says she thought her girlfriend was a drag queen at first. Plus she was really cute about how happy she is with the Amazon make-up lady. Speaking of Amazon, I’m realizing that Raquel even looks like Linda Carter, aka, Wonder Woman.  Apparently, Wonder WOAHman introduced herself to Mikey by choking her out. I’m not going to explain what that is. I’m just going to inform my future potential suitors a simple handshake and a wink will do just fine…

“I CRUSH YOU”

We meet Tracy skateboarding in a bikini top and jeans down the boardwalk. STILL not convinced she can skate though… Tracy came out a little later in life and although she’s very close with her family, they still don’t talk about the gay thing. Other than that and being a development executive, we don’t learn that much else about Tracy except that she has an aversion to wearing shirts.

And then there was Rose… Rose is in real estate finance and so far is a REAL loud mouth. Most of the shots consisted of her waving her money around and yelling about nothing in Here, a club in WeHo… Fascinating stuff… I wanna watch her and Mikey’s girl fight each other using small objects so that they can seem even more giant than they already are… Rose is a beast. A tall sexy beast of a Latina who seems like she’s not getting enough sleep.

Whitney is trying to show her San Fran friends a good time at Fubar when she runs into another girl she recently hooked up with, Romey. Whitney’s best friend Scarlet is there to help her with the sitch and also sing a song about building a bridge cause she looks like Wynona Judd.

Nikki and Jill look at wedding dresses over some coffee at home. Nikki googles “white wedding women’s Gucci wedding suit” and miraculously finds one. Nik doesn’t want the both of them to look like twins in a matching wedding dress, which I couldn’t agree more with…  So far it looks like Jill is a little uncomfortable with being affectionate in front of a camera but Nik seems absolutely enamored with Jill. She can’t keep her hands off her. Or her feet… Oh, and they talk about how unfair it is that they can’t legally get married. Which it is, but let’s not get into that now. Learning about these ladies and their drama is FAR more important…

Tracy is in a relationship with Stamie and Stamie- hold on, Jeeezzus! Stamie? Really? Okaaay, anyway, Stamie is just getting out of a relationship with another woman whom with she has three kids. They are beautiful children and they all sort of look a like so I’ll bet they totally have the same dad/doner… So far, Stamie has had the best line in the show- “The hardest part about joint custody is… joint custody.”

At Mikey’s biz, The Gallery Los Angeles, Mikey goes crazy in a bad way over the crappy models that a particular agency has provided for them, and when the booker gives her some tude on the phone she fires the agency! You go girl, with a boys name. Criterion # 2, check!

Whitney, along with her three roommates and FIVE dogs are gonna have a little wine and food with some friends over. Everyone has a cocktail in their hands and a doggie in the other. And I’m not exaggerating about that. Look!

Then Whitney talks about the difference between who wears the “pumps” vs who wears the pants in a gaybo relationship. Personally, I think I wear the board shorts…

There is a big dinner happening at la casa de familia de Rose. Although Rose is estranged from her mom the rest of her family is adorable and very accepting and in fact encouraging her to settle down with her girlfriend cause she’s not at all like Rose’s last girl friend who is apparently is  a crazy. Things get awkward when they talk about babies. But they started off awkward cause BOTH of them are wearing newsy hats. You can’t do that, girls. One or the other, GOSH.

At Whitney’s, the roommate couple that she lives with gives her a hard time about being a player. And then we’re given yet ANOTHER term to learn about- “power of the clam.” I’m too bored to explain it.

Mikey and Wonder Woahman are being REALLY cute with each other at Mikey’s. At one point, WW even says that they’re just like the Romeo and Juliet story except that they woke up at the end. Oh, you silly star story crossed lesbian, that doesn’t make sense. Unless they come from rivaling families…

Jill and Nik are hiring Camilla, a wedding planner, to help them produce the wedding. Jill is concerned that Nik wants to spend too much money on their wedding. Nik says she likes to work hard and play hard but I STILL don’t frikeen know what she does for a living…

Rose, Tracy and Whitney go to the Crown Bar with their entourages. Both Rose and Whitney fight with their girls about other girls. But then ol’ pervo BirschTalk’s # 1 criteria was met just in time before the show ended!  Sexy time! Whitney and Sada had sexy time and Rose and Danielle had sexy time too. Yaaaaaaaaaaay!  I even liked the editing in this little steamy bit.

The ep ends with Whitney dropping of Sada and picking up another girl… Busy girl this Shane, I mean, Whitney…

And there you have it. The very first episode of The Real L Word. Both of my requirements were met so I certainly can’t complain. If only Pam Grier was dishing out “these bitches be crazy,” it’d be just like the olden days.

Thanks so much for sticking with me, my dears!

Talk at ya next week.

Yours and everyone else’s,

BirschTalk