Rachel Zoe: Betrayal! Marc Jacobs! Giraffes!

***Please welcome your newest recapper to the fam, LaPetite Chanteuse!

Open wide. Mmm. And good for you, too.

So you think you’ve got enough Bravo? You can never have enough Bravo. In that spirit, I’ll be joining the tvgasm team to provide you weekly updates on the life of one Mrs. Rachel Zoe. Things are dramatically different this season in the world of this startlingly-thin, former Jersey girl. If you can’t deal with the sound of bones rattling long enough to watch the show yourself, I hope you’ll let me do the honor and regurgitate the wonder for you in recaps such as this. Like a loving mommy penguin.

I tease because I love her. I just want to wrap her up in tissue paper so she doesn’t break and stick her in my pocket. We start the season at Rachel’s apartment. Many F-bombs are being dropped. She and her husband are discussing the traitor in their midst. Taylor!

That bleached-blonde, orange Iago!

(Since we don’t see her at all in the episode, I thought I’d provide you with a picture. …I’m sorry.)

There are some issues with the financials (gasp!) and of course, Taylor hasn’t exactly been employee of the year, with her back-talk and laze-about attitude. Rachel jumps to the defense of her employee of 4 years, calling her family and saying that she “protected Taylor in the public” and “defended her”. I’m not quite sure who was attacking Taylor, but sure, I’m loving her in mama bear meets mafia boss mode.

Husband is not having any of it. That Effron-Beiber highlighted hair is adorning a masculine head, damn it, and he’s pulling on the pants and making the decisions for his wife, in this her time of overly emotional need. I get the feeling they’re trying to make this Shakespearean-level drama with the betrayal and the arguing back and forth between these two, but it lacks any sort of believability because they never go into specific details about what Taylor did. Whatever. She’s fired. Everyone is sad…but no one’s face shows any emotion so we just have to take their word for it.

Sad? Perplexed? Angry? Going over her grocery list?

Rachel sits down with what I suppose is her team and informs everyone of the betrayal and how she’s hurting but buck-up, guys, we’ll be better than ever…and we better because it’ll be awards season soon. Their faces don’t really communicate confidence…but then, their faces don’t really communicate much of anything.

Did I remember to feed the cat? Why are you talking to me? I just came in for the photo shoot next door. What’s happening?

Scripted bing ad! I kind of don’t mind this. Husband and Rachel deliver their lines about Rachel wanting to wear a jacket to NY and husband saying it’s too hot. Of course, he’s conveniently sitting at a laptop where he checks the weather on bing. Blah, blah, blah, and we’re back!

Apparently Taylor was important, because their are two skinny brunettes replacing her. Brad (Rachel’s main assistant) and Unnamed Brunette #1 go through the showroom. Brad reveals that samples would missing while Taylor was working there because it seems that Taylor would try them on and “borrow” them for “a night” and, well, you get the idea. Brad says this should have made him suspicious. Ya think? They now have to check that Taylor has returned all the clothes. Unnamed Brunette #2 shows Brad a gossip mag that says Taylor was fired. Another milestone in the world of journalism.

You’re not my boss. Who’s making the money, huh? I love you.

Rachel and Husband go off to interview new assistants. They’re kind of cute as they walk down the street hand in hand. Then Rachel says “I can’t believe I’m your boss” and Husband ruins it by saying “You’re not my boss, you freak. Bullshit.” Charming. But Rachel perseveres, saying they should go shopping so he can have cute outfits every day. He scoffs and says he doesn’t need cute outfits for work every day…like he doesn’t spend hours in front of the mirror every morning. He then tries to make up for it by saying “It’s fun going to work together” which Rachel counters with “For now. Until I hate you -just kidding.” Snap. Love her. She’s so cute.

Rachel wants someone who won’t create drama and will just come in every day and do their job with a smile. Isn’t that what all employees are supposed to do? The candidates are mostly a little…mousy and unremarkable. You’re interviewing to work for a stylist! Why is your hair greasy? Why are your roots so obvious? One girl in khaki with a hideous big black bow around her neck is just pathetic. (These are my thoughts, not theirs, but they’re still valid points.)

Really, you want this job?

(I want to devour your soul…slowly…)

Rachel doesn’t seem very eager to hire any of these people either by her facial expression. That or the “medicine” is wearing off.

I don’t like the way she’s eyeing my soul.

They return home and Rachel says she’s “emotionally battered”. She liked a lot of the prospective employeees despite their lack of fashion sense but could any of them be the one? She’s just been stabbed in the back by Taylor and she wants to move on but the pain is still fresh. Husband is really cute and says that like any husband he wants to protect his wife and doesn’t want her to be upset. Aww.

Next day? Rachel and Brad get down to business. Life goes on…even after Taylor-gate. There’s a photo shoot with Demi Moore!!! This is a big deal because Demi was primarily handled by Taylor but now that’s Taylor’s been canned, she is Brad’s responsibility. They’re shooting in four days. They’re shooting about 10 pages so they should have 30 looks to choose from. Oh, no! How…terrible? I get that this is supposed to create a sense of an intense workload but if you aren’t doing anything else (which the show suggests they aren’t) it’s just picking 30 sets of outfits and accessories and getting them shipped, right? Does that seem like a lot to handle to any of you?

Then, Rachel teaches us about lookbooks. Every design house creates these “bibles for stylists” that showcase all of the looks they’ve created for the season.

Look! It’s a book! Without words! Yay!!!

They look at some photos on Brad’s computer and we see them on the screen. There are some dresses that are just achingly lovely. Rachel informs Brad of what’s to be done and then departs. Like a neglected child, Brad says “Always leaving” as she goes…offscreen. Rachel responds with “Always leaving, always gotta go” which isn’t exactly comforting. You’re raising a future neurotic, hon.

Mommy? Mommy where are you going? Mommy!!!

Brad and Unnamed Blonde Assistant pick up some clothes from a store. Yup, that’s all you get. They didn’t even take them out of the bags so there’s nothing to really say. Rachel and Brad then discuss the pictures of the props they’ve been sent that will be used during the shoot. They discuss styling options and ideas but we’ll see how it turns out eventually so let’s skip all of that.

Rachel and Husband are in their bedroom. Don’t worry, nothing naughty is happening. Husband is too involved in the game.

R: Do you think you could stop watching football?

H: No.

R: You can’t stop watching football?

H: It’d be impossible. (pause) Miss! Nice…

R: (Rachel looks up at the screen) I find football so uninteresting.

See! Celebrities. They’re just like us. I find football uninteresting, too! I find this show somewhat uninteresting but I stay for the clothes and Rachel. And the clothes.

Rachel gets a phone call from a Michelle, a photo shoot producer who tells Rachel how Taylor is being represented by an agency that has been making calls to fashion people about getting her work. Rachel feels betrayed and resentful that Taylor is trying to use the skills that Rachel taught her to strike out on her own and be competition. She has a point but at the same time, Taylor was going to have to strike out on her own eventually. I suppose Rachel assumed that she’d wait until Rachel went up to the big Chanel fashion closet in the sky. Rachel and Husband do say that it would be different if Taylor had left to strike out on her own vs. being fired.

Rachel is feeling down. She hasn’t heard a word from Taylor and sees this as evidence of how “unaffected she is by hurting people”. Which is true…but I wouldn’t be eager to call up the people who just fired me to apologize. She lashes out at Husband, complaining that while she’s going through a crisis all he cares about is football. But he has fifty dollars on the game! Men. Husband is sensible in his interview to camera, saying the best thing he can do for her is to be supportive and listen and then say let’s move on, it’s over. However, he basically just sits on the bed while Rachel feels stressed and wanders away.

I want to suck out your brain through a straw. Wait, is that low-fat?

Rachel and Brad roll up to the photo shoot with Demi Moore.  Rachel’s decked out in some kind of fur, bug-eyed sunglasses, a glittery gold cocktail ring, and insanely-high platform boots. You know, work clothes.

Do you know how many puppies had to die for this coat?

She first dresses Demi in a “happy housewife”, blue, Oscar de la Renta, halter-top, cocktail dress with a cinched waist. It’s cute.

Demi looks a too old mature and serious dignified to pull off June Cleaver, or even Betty Draper, but the styling choice was still a good one. The shiny, red Louboutin’s are a little more Wicked Witch than Dorothy, though.

And I’ll stand there, with the wizard…

She’s posing with a miniature house that’s small enough for her to lean against the roof. The final shot comes out pretty cute. The fact that the little house is overlooking the beach kind of ruins the suburbia feel, though. And if you bothered to get tiny flowerpots, why do you have a giant watering can? It makes her look like a giant superhero whose weapon is her mighty watering can…of doom? I know…thinking too much.

Final photo

Next Rachel puts her in a white, frayed, Chanel cocktail dress. Again, the waist is cinched in. She’s perched on a giant chair which turns out…isn’t the only prop. Rachel is not happy when she sees the second prop which is a little, white mouse. “Oh! Oh God. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. It’s not cute. Ugh. It’s a rodent. Why do you think that’s cute!?!”

Rachel applauds Demi’s bravery for posing with the mouse while she half-hides behind Brad. I love that the mouse is carried out on its own chair. Big picture, people. Someone built that mouse a chair…for no other reason than to carry it to set.

This mouse is a diva.

The shot feels a little Alice in Wonderland with the giant chair and the baby doll white dress. The mouse perched on Demi’s chest? Inexplicable. Fashion is weird.

It’s Rodent by Chanel. No, no it’s supposed to be biting at my dress like that.

The Marc Jacobs’ gown arrives incomplete (the horror!) so they decide to dress Demi in a Carolina Herrera gown. It’s essentially a form-fitting navy dress with a technicolored monstrosity attached to her rear (which Rachel refers to as a cabana-striped bustle but seems more like a Project Runway reject where a contestant just glued all the extra fabric in the room to the model’s backside).

Plain dress. Demi: I think that mouse left a present in my hair.

But Tim, I made it work! Um…no

Someone carries Rachel down a hill because she has decided to wear crazy, high-heeled, platform boots. It’s less interesting than they try and pretend it is, but she looks cute and small and it increases my desire to put her in my pocket and carry her around with me.

And…then there’s a giraffe. He’s so tall and majestic and graceful…

…and he poops on the way to set.

Completely casually, as he’s being walked down…isn’t nature grand? Rachel puts Demi in an Alexander McQueen (may he rest in peace) and crazy stretched out clogs where she gets to balance on a winding staircase and feeding the giraffe a branch of leaves. It actually produces a great photo so I guess I can forgive the hideous clogs. OK, not really.

Gorgeous McQueen fabric and silhouette…

Pretty and dramatic final photo…

Hideous and unpractical clogs. Fashion, it was going so well. Why did you have to ruin it with your WEIRDNESS???

Finally, Demi is put in a red chiffon Christian Dior gown. It’s gorgeous but doesn’t it defeat the point and make all that effort choosing a dress pointless if you cover it up by having her run through “a sea of red balloons”? If it seems like I’m rushing, it’s because this show flits from topic to topic without much actually happening. But it’s pretty…

Just keep swimming…just keep swimming…

On the way home, Rachel calls someone to tell them they’re hired. I don’t catch the name and honestly, wouldn’t be able to match it to an assistant so let’s just wait and see who it ends up being. If it’s greasy, Victorian clown bow girl, I will not be able to take this show seriously for the rest of the season. Just warning you now.

In a completely unnecessary scene, Rachel and two minions/friends try on Chanel jackets. Which is to say, Rachel tries on Chanel jackets while they tell her how good she looks and they all comment on how gorgeous the jackets are. Some are hideous and grandma-ish but like someone has bedazzled the hell out of them. There are some classic Chanel shapes though and they do look good on her.

Brad and Rachel talk about an issue of Paper magazine where Brad and Taylor styled each other. It’s not relevant or interesting and we jump into promos. Essentially, look forward to pretty clothes! Fashion shows! Models! Kate Hudson! Fashion week! Excited? I didn’t think so, but it should be visually stimulating even if a plot never develops so join me, won’t you?