The Real L Word: Back to Squirt One

This weekend I went down to San Diego and shared a choachtail or three with my favorite gaybo couple. The last time I saw them I was at their wedding last October, so it was good to see they were happy and well… I feel like a traitor for generalizing, but it just seems like a lot of lady couples are difficult to hang out with, as if almost every pair of lesbians is fluctuating between some sort of drama, or the other overly affectionate extreme… Not these two. They’re adorable. Even-keeled, and adorable. I’m sure they’ve had, and will have, their share of dramatics, but I have a feeling it will mostly always be behind closed doors. As it should be… I think we can ALL take a cue from them. Unless, of course, you’re on a reality show, which is why I’m telling you this-

because

-I was talking to one of them about the this season’s Real L Word and she too feels it seems very contrived and even written out, word for word. We compared the strap-on scene from last season with this season’s faux-masturbating scene… Last season’s felt so much more impromptu, didn’t it? I mean, we all knew it was still a set up, but there was something a bit more genuine about Whitlock and Swamp Choach’s sneak away strap-on fun time, as compared to Rachel deciding she’s just so angry and upset she has to watch some chicks suck crank online and flick her bean whilst sticking her tongue out and making sexy faces. My friend and I agreed that’s not what anyone’s face looks like when they’re masturbating. Rachel should have, at least, gone cross-eyed and maybe then we woulda believed her… But what really made me laugh was when my buddy said she WAS however looking forward to this Sunday’s ep because in the previews (Which I don’t see cause I have to steal this shit from bit-torrents) it looked like there would be some scissoring! Set up or not, THAT’s what ol’ Birschy wants to see… So did they fulfill their promise of a Mrs. Pac Man make-out session?

The ep opens with a phone call to a sperm bank from Cori and Kacy. They’re buying three “units” of sperm at $640 a pop. They want to make sure the guy they’re going with is an “Identity Disclosure” candidate, which mean he’s open to being contacted once the kid turns 18… Now they play the waiting game, and keep a look out for Cori’s runway eggs.

Claire needs help with picking out pants and poor Francine wants help cleaning. While they nag at each other, Francine’s voiceover complains about Claire’s ability to overlook their recent bouts of fighting as if nothing has happened. Claire tells Francine she’ll be moved out soon. So it seems like this story line has come to an end and the girl that Claire makes out with in the opening credits is in fact Vivian and not Francine… Whoops…

Saj and her friend Marisa are getting pedicures. Saj reads a text from Chanel to Marisa that says, “I just always want you to be excited about us. And about me and support me and protect me in my times of need. And I’ll do the same.” The rational friend warns Saj that that seems like wedding vows. “You don’t even know her favorite color,” says Marisa. She right. Straight OR gay, she’s right… Saj, however, is eager to be in a relationship. She’s never been in one, with a woman or a man… Marisa keeps making this face:

and tells her, “just don’t get married tomorrow and find out she’s crazy.” Sage advice, Marisa…

Whitlock flies into San Fran to host a party at a place called Trigger. Whit gets ready to go out while her voiceover tells us San Francisco is like her Las Vegas. Wearing her finest headband, she heads out and makes her first stop at The Lexington Club, which according to Whit is like the Cheers of lesbians where “every dyke know your name.” One dyke that knew Whit’s name was a beautiful, soft-spoken girl named Jaq. I didn’t even mind her chest piece she was so cute. If San Fran is Whit’s Vegas does this mean she’s hit the JAQ POT? Ha! I KILL ME! (Say in Alf voice.) In a confessional, Whit says she messed around with Jaq while on break from SaDa until Jaq decided to change her facebook status to “in a relationship.” She WHAT? She CHANGED her FACEBOOK STATUS???? OH. MY. GAWD. TOO MUCH. Sarcastic TOO MUCH… Whit says they sort of dwindled out after that… Ol’ Birschy thinks Whitlock’s a dum dum for letting this one go. There are SaDas and then there are keepers. Jaq is a keeper, dum dum! Or at least it seems that way on dee television box…

Kelsey is pan frying a giant fish filet when Romi gets home from work with a gift. It’s an organizer. Kelsey says “it’s cuuuute, babe.” Then they eat dinner while Kelsey chugs wine and Romi drinks soda water. Swamp Choach’s voiceover is worried that their drunkenness is all the seem to have in common… They finish dinner and Swamp Choach wants to take a bath so they can “fuck all night.” They hop in bed and Swamp Choach gives Kelsey a hard time for having a bunch of wine and saying funny things. Swamp Choach scolds her and tells her she can’t enjoy her when she gets drunk too fast. Kelsey does the pouty thing she looks so frickeen cute doing and then Swamp Choach turns off the light…

At Club Trigger, Whitlock shouts some things that don’t make much sense into a microphone to get the crowd “pumped.” Then they show her getting hit on by various gaybo fans. The thing she says she “doesn’t understand is, like, girls always wanna smell my hair.” I don’t either, unless they’ve swallowed some poison and need to induce vomiting… Whitlock goes on with, “one thing I’ve made sure of is that this shit always smells on point.” What point is that, Whitlock? The point of no return? I’m sorry, dude, but I have had many a friend (girls and boys) with dreadlocks and they may LOOK awesome but those things fucking smell. Especially when they’re wet. Take a shit in bucket of mop water and that’s what Whitlock’s dreads smell like, I promise. It’s DEAD hair. How can it possibly smell good?

Jaq tracks Whitlock down (Probably following the scent of her musty dreads) and they make out in the club for a bit before they’re back at Whit’s hotel room making out some more… Didn’t we see Jaq last season too? But she had blonde hair, I think, right?? Either way, Whit’s a lucky bastard.

SaDa is “dancing” in her roommate’s music video. She’s shown chugging different types of wine straight out the bottle and then falling into the backdrop after she whores it up in front of the camera. Then she makes out with a random gaybo for a while. Her confessional says her and Whitlock are pretty much over… You guys, I just spent a half hour on SaDa’s roommate’s website. I was looking for the music video so I could make fun of it and ended up on “Tragik’s” website… A lot of gaybo video stuff, if’n you’re interested, but no music video with SaDa, at least that I could find. I liked some of her photography, though, I must admit… Guess I’m a sucker for thugs and puppies.

Saj is looking for apartments online for her and Chanel? Seriously? Not to sound like her friend Marisa, but they’ve known each other for a week! Saj’s mom calls and starts yelling at her for referencing her sexuality on facebook. Marisa packs and gets ready to leave while Saj complains to her about how her mom is the most open person she knows and yet it’s hard for her to accept her daughter being gay. Saj seems pretty okay with it though and realizes it’s a process.

Jaq wakes Whit up in her hotel room and tells her she has to go to work. Whit doesn’t want her to leave and Jaq gives her a little tap on her naked beehind… Whit sits around in her bra and underwear while she tells us that Jaq is really pleasant to be around and is a no drama type of person.

Hey, maaaaan. Can I bum a cigarette?

After some more horrible transition music we’re back in LA. Claire drives around in her BMW and her confessional tells us she used to produce for Calvin Klein. Until her website “takes off,” she’ll need to find another job. We don’t yet learn what type of job this is but we do learn that Vivian wants her to call her ASAP and it seems important. Claire drives to an empty parking lot, calls Vivian and tells her the interview went well but that she’s “dreading this conversation.” Vivian tells her she’s not mad at her “per se,” but that she’s reluctant to come out to LA, even if it is for work. Claire gets defensive and starts ranting and raving about having been so straight forward with everyone and makes a lot of horse faces in the process.

Or maybe it’s more like a bear. Like an angry bear… Anyway, Vivian tells her she’s not going to have “this conversation” anymore with Claire and she gets off the phone without telling Claire she loves her back…

Saj is taking Marisa to the airport and continues to complain about her “mothuh.” Saj’s confessional says Marisa should go into the relationship with her eyes open. Then she drops her off at the airport and heads straight to Chanel’s house with a “I don’t care if it’s three days. Shit. Three hours. Fuck it.” She apparently has to drive an hour to get there and I’m betting it’s Long Beach… That’s where all the lesbians are in LA if they’re not in WeHo or Silverlake…

Alyssa shows up to San Francisco with a friend AND Rachel. Rachel expected that she would stay with Whitlock at her hotel room and Whit seems to rather spend more time with Jaq. Alyssa keeps asking Whit why she’s making a sad face and after Rachel leaves the room Whit tells Alyssa she’s annoyed with Rachel. Then Jaq shows up and is totally sweet to everyone, including Rachel…

Cori and Kacy have family and friends over to announce their recent purchase over some delivery. Fortunately they’ve avoided ordering pizza with Alfredo sauce and everyone is overjoyed at the news. Kacy’s sister Nikki shows up even. In a confessional, Kacy talks about how her older sister always wanted a little sister she could dress up and put make-up on while they show pictures of them growing up. Kacy has apparently always had the same haircut she does now. It was adorable…

BUT, because Kacy married Cori, Nikki has the girly sister she always wanted. Which was also ADORABLE… They show everyone a pic of the donor and they all “ooh,” and “ahh,” over his good looks. They talk about the fact that he can be contacted once the kid turns 18 and in a confessional Kacy asks Cori “what if our kid comes home and says I wanna know this guy, I like him , I wanna bring him home and I want you guys to meet him, what would you say?” Cori doesn’t know but I turned to m’ lady and said “that would be called The Kids Are Alright.” Then they tell Nikki she’s going to be the god mom and not just the auntie. Have I mentioned I think they’re ADORABLE?

It’s Swamp Choach’s first night out, sans alcohol and her chef friend is throwing a dinner party. SaDa is there too, along with a bunch of other weird gaybos. I especially liked the girl that looked like a Parker Posey type character in a futuristic Christopher Guest film…

Man, I wish I could have been a wall fly at that party… I would have even put up with Swamp Choach being all moody cause she wasn’t having any alcohol. After dinner, she and Kelsey share a cig outside and Kelsey checks in to see how she’s doing. Swamp Choach says she fine and that she’ll try to hang in there for Beauty Bar. Which is a bar in Hollywood that looks like a hair and nail salon. Or maybe it IS a hair and nail salon during the day. You never know.

Saj and Chanel go out to sushi for their first official date all by themselves. They talk about how their birthday, which is the same day, is the following week, and how all of their friends will be there. Then Chanel tells Saj how she’s just always wanted to be with someone that is really into her cause SHE falls head over heels in love EVERY TIME?? This concerns me a bit and even Saj says, “well I thought I was special.” Saj is blinded by lust though cause then she asks her “old school” like if Chanel would be her girlfriend. Chanel checks the “yes” box and then Saj slides a jewelry box. It’s a heart shaped necklace. After Saj fastens the necklace clasp, she tells Chanel, “I wanna do dis.” Chanel says she wants to do this to and the whole thing seems actually kinda real. It’s cute, you guys! Way too soon, but really so very dear, I can’t help but adore them.

Too cute. Too soon. But too cute!

Back in Sam Clam’s Disco, Rachel is complaining she’s homesick from New York. She eventually ends up in a “fuck Whitney” state of mind and tells Alyssa and the friend she’s going to flirt with hot San Francisco chicks.

At Beauty Bar, Kelsey argue-slurs with Swamp Choach over the fact that Kelsey is drunk and Swamp Choach isn’t. By the end of their conversation Romi just sort of turns to someone else and starts talking to someone else. Kelsey gets a look on her face and leaves to talk to someone else. Or maybe get a pedicure.

Everyone is out at a club in San Francisco. Jaq asks Rachel where Whitlock is and we find out that Whit decided to stay in cause she’s confused with Rachel showing up. She talks about how she used to have a drug problem and wonders if she’s now just addicted to girls instead of drugs. Oh, Whit. It’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough, you know, you’re gonna have to face it you’re addicted to love. You can’t see me but there are models dancing behind me like they’re bored, wearing black with bright red lipstick and pretending to play instruments.

In the taxi cab on the way back from Beauty Bar we can almost make out Kelsey complaining to Swamp Choach that they never have sex. Swamp Choach says she doesn’t want to have sex if Kelsey is drunk. They argue about it for a while and Kelsey even starts to cry. Then the taxi cab driver crashes cause he’s paying way too much attention to what they’re saying instead of the road.. Noooo, he doesn’t. He gets them home safely so they can get to scissorin”… And BOY do they ever! Those Mrs. Pac Mans were hungry! Flipit will get mad at me again if I take a screenshot but I really want to cause it was super hot. I wont though. I may be a big giant brat but he IS my bestie… The whole thing ends with a “Baby, I squirted!” from Kelsey.

Whitlock and her mustache underwear put on some pants and pack up to go back to LA. She tells the camera she left LA to escape her problems but apparently geography doesn’t cure that. Cause Whit! You got hoes. In different area codes…. Sorry, darlins. If I’m gonna quote Robert Palmer I should follow up with some 2pac…

The morning after Swamp Choach received a Kelsey facial they talk about how much fun they had having sex. Kelsey prefers the term making love. Which is purty darn cute…

Whitlock shows up to SaDa’s cause Whit needs to talk. Whit tells SaDa she doesn’t like the way they ended things and it’s been eating at her. Whit says she’s only ever had to be honest with her and SaDa doesn’t seem to want to apologize or admit to wanting to get back together with her ex. She says a lot of things that doesn’t seem genuine on all sorts of levels. Essentially she tells Whit she needs to “process.” And although Whit is suspicious of SaDa needing time to process they are making out by the end of their talk…. Cue horrible music and THE END.

Well, that’s this week, my darlins.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Talk at you next week.

yours and everyone else’s

BirschTalk