The Real L Word: Dinah Shore Why Not?

“Alriiiight, ladies. Let’s not exaggerate, now.”  I’m scolding my laptop screen cause this week the gaybos open the show by talking about Dinah Shore weekend. It’s not AS crazy as they are making it out to be, but yes, sometimes ladies do take their tops off and dive into the pool. The question is, do we want them to? The answer- Why should they care what we think? It’s all about being themselves. Which I try to celebrate and NOT judge but it’s horribly entertaining to watch. And THAT’s my favorite part of Dinah Shore. The watching… And maybe the drinking.

A trio of lesbians (SaDa, Julia and Lisa) from San Francisco show up at Whitlock’s in a UHaul. They haven’t completely adhered to stereotypes though cause they’re moving into a place CLOSE to Whitney’s,  not INTO Whitney’s.

Jill and Nikk are picking up Nikk’s best friend, Kathlyn?, from the airport.  Nikki and Kathlyn have been best friends since they were 11 years old… Uh oh. I bet there’s gonna be a little jealously action coming from Jill.

It seems Tracy has had enough of walking on eggshells around her mother in regards to her sexuality. Stamie, our eloquent poet, put it so well in a confessional when she asked, “her mom’s like, ‘baby steps, baby steps,’ it’s like, bitch, you’re almost 60, how many baby steps you got in you?” All of this is being discussed, of course,  over really cute footage of Tracy and Stamie being really cute with each other and the kids.

Natalie is now working as Rose’s assistant and we see them together stuffed into Rose’s cubicle. The fun part was watching Rose have a conversation with Natalie while the phone was on her ear. I’m assuming she was on hold with Time Warner Cable cause that’s really the only time one is ever on hold that long…

I hate to admit it, but ol’ Birschy’s got a little tear in her eye-  Nikki surprised Jill with her mom at the airport. It was a really sweet reunion, you guys. Kudos, Nikk. Sometimes you like Skeletor, but you are really thoughtful and sweet with Jill.

Rose and Nat are having dinner, and Natalie voices concern over how Rose will behave at Dinah Shore. Good Lordy, is it just me or does Natalie seem miserable? Every shot of her is like-

Or like-

Or-

Well, you can’t see it here but it’s the worst face by far cause they’re fighting behind this door.

Speaking of Mikey, her and Wonder Woahman are packing for Dinah Shore, all excited cause WW has never been. Mikey reveals a tattoo of her name (Raquel) as a birthday present. A truth lasso around her wrist would have been much cooler.

Ooh fun. It’s a little montage of everyone packin’ up and headin’ out to Dinah. Looks like Rose and Nat are the first to arrive and what’s interesting is that they’ve rented out Dinah Shore’s house.  Rose was looking for Dinah during their initial tour and I’m not sure Rose even knows who Dinah Shore is, let alone the fact that she’s no longer with us…

Jill, Nikk and their moms are at a dress shop to find a dress for Jill. She found one. Her mom cried. The end. Of dress shopping.

For some reason Stamie and Tracy are doing a PSA for universal health care and that’s where Tracy’s mom gets to meet Stamie’s daughter. They seemed to hit if off but what little girl does NOT like coy fish? Also,  Stamie made a bunch of jokes that were lost on Tracy’s mom.

And knowing, is NOT half the battle. You still have a bunch of baby steps after knowing…

I see some board shorts so that must mean we’re back at Dinah Shore. But then for some reason they feel the need to show us a series of bikini clad dry humping:

BTW, what’s up with that weird patch thing Whitlock was wearing under her bikini bottoms?

Anyway, the story here is that Whitlock is softening up for SaDa and at one point even gets Whit to say SaDa’s her girlfriend. They make out a bunch of different place in and around the pool, and then go up to the room for drunk sex.

Jill and Nikk stop by their Malibu mansion wedding venue to show the place off to their mommies. Jill’s mom is impressed and they have a really cute convo by the beach. Although, drawing “Jill loves Nikki” in the sand is a little too far, though, mom. Just a skosh.

Mikey and WW check into their hotel in Palm Springs and hang out with each other. Mikey talks about  how Dinah isn’t really her speed and she likes to go to make fun of hair and stuff. Which is what I was referring to earlier about how Dinah is fun to watch but MIKEY, have you looked in the mirror? Your hair is exactly the hair I’d be making fun of, uh, I mean, celebrating.

Rose and Nat are at the White Diamond party and it’s a good thing Rose explained that it’s a party where everyone wears white otherwise I would have been really confused with everybody wearing white and all. Natalie is relieved that Rose only wants to only take ONE “whore lap.”

It’s Tracy’s birthday and they have an intimate dinner at her Aunt’s sweet ass crib with close friends and family. (I don’t talk like that but “sweet ass crib” was the first phrase that came to mind. I’m a sucker for lap pools. what can I say?) After dinner and a serenade from an asexual man, Tracy realizes it’s no longer about choosing Stamie or her mom, it’s about choosing HER…. Yay! In a confessional her mom even says she’s the one who needs to change… Darn it! Ol’ Birschy’s got another one of those pesky tears in her eyes!

After the White Diamond party, Natalie is happy cause Rose didn’t end up hooking up with someone else and then it’s inferred that they have the S-E-X, by making out and then turning out the light.

Seems like all the ladies are now at day two of the Dinah pool party. Here’s what goes down:

Mikey walks in to the pool party like Toughy Toughpants and WW is in awe at all the shenanigans.

Rose walks around and points, pretending she knows everyone there, and it’s no surprise that her and Natalie get into a fight about nothing.

Whitlock is all lovey dovey over SaDa, and that is when Romy shows up, of course. But WAIT, Romy and SaDa are facebook friends? Whats up with dat? Ooooooweee. What’s up with dat. What’s up with dat?

Ugh, back to Rose now. Nat has to push her way through a crowd to catch up with Rose and her posse doing whore laps, no doubt. Rose decides to take off and Nat stays and has fun with her friends.

Whoops, what’s this?! Holy contrived turn of events, Batman! SaDa and Romy are making out in the pool.  Oh jeez, and now Whitlock is CRYING about it? Clearly they want you to JOIN them, Whitlock. Why would you go back to your hotel room and pout about it? Oh, because the producers told you to? Oh, sorry. Carry on.

Back in LA, Tracy is hanging out at the board walk with Stamie and her mom calls her to say “she doing nothing wrong.” Tracy seems pretty happy about that and so I suppose I will be happy for her and her pretty eyes that sometimes stay open too long.

FINALLY, Natalie is fed up with Rose and she’s leaving her ass. For now anyway. Rose of course brings up money cause that’s the only thing she has to hold over her and in a confessional Nat says “I’m not here for your money. I could be broke with you. We’re supposed to be here cause we’re in love.” YeeeAH! You tell us and her, Nat!

Mikey and WW are apparently going to a lesbian late 1800s party cause WW is asking Mikey to help strap her into a corset. She doesn’t have it on for long though. WINK WINK. Winking is funny, and creepy sometimes, but mostly funny…  Then we see an interesting scene interweaving of fighting between Nat and Rose, and Mikey/WW’s love making, which of course ends with an orgasm/Nat breaking up with Rose. Oh and what’s up with THIS shot?

Standard porn shot! Seriously, some dude is crouching right next to them with a camera.

Jill is bummin’ cause her mom has to go home AND she has to wake up super early to take her to the airport.

Mikey and WW leave their hotel room… That’s all. That’s all they did. Left their hotel room. Talked about leaving Palm Springs. Talked about carrying their stuff, while they were carrying their stuff. And that is all.

In a confessional, Rose talks out of her big foot butt about her break up with Natalie, and makes jokes about it in front of Rose’s friends. Natalie is having a cathartic break through in the car ride home. She feels pretty good about their break up, even though sasquatches are rare.

Whitney is grateful for Dinah confirming that her and SaDa are not ready for a relationship and then it goes into a weird montage of everyone doing mundane stuff. Alyssa and Whit working on their special effects cast. Jill and Nikk bathing one of their dogs. Tracy playing with Stamie’s kids. Rose in a strip club looking desperate. Mikey in her office, wearing sunglasses typing at a desk with a sticker that says “Who Your Daddy.” The montage goes on but first lets play which of these mundane activities sounds the dueschiest? If you guessed Mikey, you get an “A!”

All right my little do gooders, class dismissed.

Thanks so much for sticking with me.

Talk at you next week, my darlings.

yours and everyone else’s,

BirschTalk