The Real L Word: It’s About To Get Juicy

I smell like a giant aloe plant and this can only mean one thing- I’m sunburnt and it’s summer! It’s a welcome pain though cause I love this time of year. Summertime in LA for ol’ Birschy means sponging trips to Malibu, doin’ laps with the boys at the WeHo swimming hole, and movies and wine in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Thank GAWD I have R2, my big old timey AC unit, otherwise I would not be writing this recap in the comforts of my room and would probably be much less forgiving watching the Real L Word… Summertime for Whitlock means pool parties with barely legal blondes. It’s kinda gross but I guess it means she’s much cooler than me, even without R2D2…

In fact, that’s where this week’s ep opens- Whitlock is at a house with a pool and an awesome view. There’s a bunch of ladies there in bikinis, some of them playing chicken, some of them dancing, all of them with red plastic cups. We see all this while Whit’s VO tells us she’s over SaDa for REAL this time. Then they cut to her chatting it up poolside with some buds telling a story to some ladies about how she was dating a much older guy in high school. When they went to prom with another couple they ladies ended up ditching their dates. The end. The obvious end. Then they ask the 19 year old blonde girl, who is clearly going for the Lindsay Lohan look, if she’s gay and she says, “I hate that question. It’s like, I don’t know what I am. I don’t think I need to choooose, like, people put so much pressure on, like, are you gay or not gay. It’s like, I don’t knooowww, I’m still young.”

“I’m like, I don’t know, into Djs, okay? It doesn’t matter if the Dj is like, a boy or a girl. I’m just attracted to Djs in general.”

After this compelling response, Whit twirls a dreadlock and sizes her up while her VO tells her she thinks Mel has a thing for her and although she’s young, and probably doesn’t have much “girl experience, it’s kind of intriguing.” Yikes, Whitlock! And I thought I was the ol’ pervo…

Cori and Kacy are at their OYGBN. Cori gets clarification on the very complicated instructions that involve calling her if she gets a smiley face. This means she’s shooting an egg and it’s time for them to go into the office to get inseminated. Cori asks if they can do it at home and the Oby tells them she needs her light and her table… Eeesh. Kacy wants to be as involved as possible so the Oby says she can push the syringe. Double eeesh. I’m with Kacy when she’s concerned that the whole process feels so scientific and institutional. But they’re concerned cause they’ve literally only got three shots at this this. Three shots of sperm. But the Doc seems very competent and nice. A little primitive looking, but nice.

“Me fix choach.”

Dr. Morris also tells Cori that she needs to quit smoking as this will help her fertility. Actually what she said was “You not make fire in mouth! Fire in mouth bad for baby!” Nooo, she didn’t.

Romi shows up at her friend Drew’s for a home cooked meal. Drew seems like a big sweetheart even though he’s wearing a big ironic slogan trucker hat. Hasn’t he seen 30 Rock? (Yes, I know Superlative Conspiracy is actually a clothing brand or something but it still looks silly.) Her confessional tells us that she instantly hit it off with Drew cause he reminds her so much of her father that passed away four years ago. She sort of hints that they may have even dated, but doesn’t say that, directly. You can tell though that there is something there especially for poor Drew… They have dinner on modern looking tv trays and talk about how Swamp Choach pretends to jog sometimes. They also talk about Kelsey and her lack of support in Swamp’s recent efforts to stop drinking.

The sun has set at the pool party and Whit’s posse, including Rachel, arrives. Everybody seems pretty tipsy at this point and Whit’s confessional tells us about her sexual frustration and how she’s willing to “sit on” pretty much anybody. She’s flirting with the young blondey but Rachel is looking pretty good to her too. They end up having a secret rondevouz in the bathroom that according to Whit, “nobody knew about.” They actually expect us to buy that them and a camera crew managed to sneak away to film a quick sex scene in the bathroom?

I’d include the bottom half but someone will tell on me.

Sadj brings up moving in with Chanel and Chanel wants to know what her hurry is. Chanel isn’t ready aka, being PRACTICAL. Sadj wants to know what her doubts are and Chanel is worried that it would encourage them to have sex. “Lots and lots of sex.” And here’s where I think the real issue lies, and it’s what many of yous have picked up on already. Chanel is either NOT gay or just isn’t into Sadj… There is also apparently some confusion over what actually constitutes as sex. Per usual, this is a grey area for a lot of lesbians. Sadj thought since the night before, they both had orgasms, that they had sex. Chanel, in her debut confessional, says she thought that, “you kinda do a little grinding, kinda do a little licking, that’s foreplay to me, cause it’s like, you kinda do warm up stuff.” And now I’M confused cause I guess I would need to know how much licking happened and where and if they had clothes on during this alleged grinding… I just want you guys to know that my dog has decided to start licking my feet as I am typing this! I’m convinced she’s a gaybo too. Just look at her.

The usual LA traffic shot transitions us into Whitlock in make-up for a photo shoot for a party she is hosting for two lesbian Dj friends. Uh oh! Hide that young blondey from the pool party!. I think one of the Djs, Dj Lezlee, is actually Rose’s sister, right?(Rose from season one.) SaDa shows up wearing lingerie with suspenders. Whit tells us that she asked SaDa to GoGo dance when they were together and now that they’re not together it’s awkward. SaDa doesn’t seem to be affected. They all hold pieces of fruit since the night is called “Juicy.” The photographer at one point gets frustrated and says “just think juicy.” Excellent advice. They really get it now.

“Saaaay Juicy.”

Chanel and Sadj show up at the Gay & Lesbian Center’s “The Spot,” to get tested for STDs before they do the dirty. Sadj is kinda pouty about the whole thing and I laughed really frickeen hard when Sadj says “I know my grandmother didn’t get no STD test. She didn’t even know what a tampon was.” Oh, Sadj. You are adorable. You’re a horn dog, but you’re adorable… They both get clean HIV tests back but have to wait two more weeks for the other test results. I’m sure this makes Chanel happy…

We see Swamp Choach shake the hand of some guy named Don at a sterile looking retail store called Showroom LA. Swamp Choach tells us “now that I’m sober, I’m just really excited to start building my career. ” As if going out to The Abbey twice a week has prevented her from doing so before… Romi is going to start working at this place full time as a sales rep. There’s a trade show that Don needs to send her to to represent the store. THAT should be fun to watch. And by fun I mean embarrassing. For Swampy.

Kacy and Cori are at home chatting about their concern over how many times it’s gonna take to try and get Cori pregnant. The sperm pun jokes are a flowin’, during which they receive a call from a hypnotist. They set an appointment with him to try and help Cori quit smoking. I’m hoping it will also be like when I would watch shows as kid at the fair and he will make Cori do Kermit the Frog impressions when he says a particular word!

Claire’s friend Barbara is still in town so they’re going to a thing called PYT at a place called Haute in WeHo to “hopefully meet lots of girls,” says Claire. It looks like all of the L Word gaybos are out. Swamp Choach is already upset with Kelsey cause she asked her not to drink and she did. Kelsey even starts to have a little fun and Swampy thinks she’s drunk. Claire arrives onto the scene and, Chas, another girl connected to last season’s Rose, starts to razz Claire about being a “deb.” Whit tells us that a “deb” is sorta like a Debbie Downer. Which is totally what Claire is… I remember liking this Chas last season too. After some pretty funny name calling from both parties, Chas walks away. Claire tells Francine what happened and Francine goes to say something on Claire’s behalf but apparently ends up hugging her. This upsets Claire and she storms outta the club telling her friend who lives in LA that everyone who lives in LA is pathetic. Aw, poor Claire Bear. She needs a stare… In the MIRROR.

The hypnotist is over at Cori and Kacy’s. He puts Cori under and tells her that any time she wants a cigarette she is going to imagine a little cockroach party happening at the end of her cigarette. And also there is a mushroom on the tip as well… She must not like mushrooms… And cockroaches… He leaves and they cross their fingers hoping it will work. Then the cat poses for the camera.

“I’m too sexy for this lap. Too sexy for this smoking.”

Kelsey sits on the stoop and smokes as her VO tells us about how hard a night she had with Swamp Choach. She finds Romi in the bathroom and tries to tell her she loves her so much she’s going to quit drinking. Swampy tells her she doesn’t want her to resent her for making her give up having her youthful fun and the whole scene seems kinda real. Swampy’s confession tells us she wants to be someone’s girlfriend, not their mom. I just can’t stand how mopey and sweet Kelsey is. She seems like the type who is not very street smart but probably very good at math, doesn’t she?

Nocare Bear, (cause I no longer give a shit about her and her blase attitude) aka Claire, talks to Barbara in her car about how disappointed she is in Francine’s lack of effort to stand up to Chas at the prior night’s fiasco. Nocare Bear says at least the whole thing got Vivian to start talking to her again. Ha! That’ll show Chas!

Francine borrowed the trucker hat from Swampy’s friend Drew and has her lispy friend over to complain about Nocare Bear. Frany reads him Claire’s texts from the night before which includes a “Whitney said I was too cool for school. Which I am. So fuck all y’all.” Yes, Claire, we are QUITE aware you were too cool for school. I’m guessing you realized this about the 5th grade… Dum Dum Bear. Oh, man, this is gonna be fun nickname…

Whitlock is getting ready for her big grand opening Juicy party and dog 2,385 is wearing her finest gaybo garb to come along.

Whit says the goal is to throw a monthly epic party and she’s a bit nervous about the turn out… I’m wondering where these people promote because I sure has heck have never heard of Juicy and I’m the target demographic!

Sadj and Chanel are sitting around in bed putting off getting ready to go to Juicy and support Whitlock. Sadj jokingly threatens to dance with someone else and Chanel says she doesn’t mind. Oh probably because, oh, she’s NOT gay… Sadj’s confessional says that she and Chanel still have not had sex because they’re waiting for their test results. They’ve apparently only had foreplay and Sadj can’t wait to see what Chanel considers sex… Don’t hold your breath Sadj. It involves a WEINER.

Oh barf. Kelsey is going to an AA meeting with Drew while Swampy goes to the club. Kels says she can’t be in a club environment and not drink. Drew picks her up and tells Kelsey she shouldn’t keep one foot in the future and one foot in the past cause she’ll piss all over herself. But she doesn’t pee standing up sooo… Or maybe she does.

They kick off the night at Juicy and Whit’s confessional tells us that when people ask her what she does for a living she tells them she’s either a “professional lesbian, gaymous- gay famous or a celesbian. God I’m so glad I have two bachelor’s degrees.” At least she’s aware of weird that is. In the club, Whit is complaining about SaDa showing up late and guess who shows up. SaDa walks in and sort of snubs Whit, but Sadj on the other hand wants to be best friends. Francine is introduced to the lesbian chef from a few eps ago, Kristianne. They seem to hit if off. Nocare Bear arrives and walks into the club and sort of angrily yells at her friend, “let’s go and have fun.”

Meanwhile Cori and Kacy are driving around LA looking for electronic cigarettes. Cori is being very cranky and Kacy is being VERY understanding. In the process Cori loses her phone and when Kacy tries to help Cori gets a little mean, even. Which one is that again? Cookie? Or Coco? I don’t remember. They end up finding her phone and everything seems okay. I must say Kacy is a SAINT for being so understanding…

Back at the club, Swampy talks to Whitlock about how Kelsey is with Drew. She’s complaining to Whit about how Drew wants to go back to their place and hang out with Kelsey. So, virtually nothing. Swampy’s voice is really starting to grate on me… Nocare Bear runs into Francine and Nocare tells Francine she’s going to stop by tomorrow to pick up the rest of her stuff. Francine acts kinda drunk while Kristianne stands awkwardly close to the convo to seemingly ease drop and/or make sure everything is okay. Francine gives her a time constraint and then tells her she’s too cool for school. Bear tells Francine she’s “so fucking cracked out.” Francine’s confessional says she’s really done. FINALLY… Whit is quite happy with the turnout and claims it’s the largest lesbian party that’s happened in WeHo so far. Which, actually, I’m glad. If that’s true then good for Whit. She seems nice enough to deserve it.

Swampy complains to her friend on the way home that Drew is still there so she calls Kelsey and tells her to have Drew leave cause she’s in a bad mood. This offends Drew and so he and Swampy text fight. If my friend stood by girlfriend’s side cause she was quitting drinking for ME I would be, oh, I don’t know, GRATEFUL. Instead Swampy was a bastard. A mean, uptight bastard. Somebody please spike one of those lollipops she’s always sucking on…

Swampy gets home and starts yelling at Kelsey cause she doesn’t want Drew in the bed with her girlfriend. Kelsey says the whole thing is stupid and there are really other issues at play and she’s RIGHT.

At Francine’s Kristianne’s assistant has thrown all of Nocare Bear’s stuff onto the curb. Francine says she doesn’t wanna make it look like a homeless person so they move the stuff onto the stoop. The three of them smoke cigarette’s and talk about what a negative influence Nocare Bear has been on Francine while her confessional tells us how relieved she is to finally be rid of that. Then they cut to Kristianne stealing a make-out kiss from Francine… Not sure Franny is into it…

Alright darlins’. That’s it for this week.

Thanks for sticking with me.

yours and everyone else’s,

BirschTalk