The Real L Word: Lez Talk About Family

The gaybos are gabbin’ about how they came out this week…  I’m going to bore you with my coming out story, which is more of a being brought out story, really… I struggled with telling my parents for obvious reasons but I also have a younger sister who had the balls to come out in high school,  which actually made it a bit harder for me to tell my mom for quite a while.  I felt guilty cause that would have meant that BOTH of her daughters were gay, and hurting my mom in any way was and always will be inconceivable to me…  But my mom is awesome.  About 10 years ago, when I was 22,  I don’t quite remember what my mom and I were giggling about, but we were laughing about something, and then she sneaks in a, “Are you gay?” I paused for a brief second then continued to giggle with a “Yeeah.” And that was it. She’s been buying me weird lighters with pin-up girls on them ever since. And the only time it’s ever an issue is if it means she won’t get grandchildren, but she will. I want kids,  and she deserves them…

Rose is at stuffing her face at Hamburger Mary’s with a bunch of her friends that, as kdog so astutely pointed out, are HALF her age. And even though they are half her age THEY know that the sleazy stripper party she had at the hotel is wrong. Only because Natalie wouldn’t have approved. And what’s this girl’s name again?

She’s now one of my favorites. She called Rose a “Puerto Rican husband.”

Tracy’s younger sisters and one of their boyfriend’s are over for some dinner and a movie at Stamie’s. DUDE. Tracy’s sister Amy is a homophobe! A horrible, stuck up homophobe. Stamie was a trooper about it though. I just can’t imagine my sister treating me like that. Bizarre. I suppose I can’t expect everyone to get along with their family members.

Jill and Nikki reserve a private dining room at Bastide Restaurant to have some dinner. Yes, a PRIVATE dining room.  More like a private library, really. With a lead pipe. And Mrs. Pea(doesn’t like)cock was there… HEY O! Nikki gets upset that her dad is too much of an asshole to walk her down the isle and Jill wisely points out that it’s only for sake of tradition that she’s upset. What Nikki’s dad said to her was horrible. He doesn’t deserve to give her away…

Whitlock has dinner with her wide eyed sister, Alexis. Whit talks about how she’s inherited her playboy(girl) tendencies from her father. And then I didn’t think it was possible but Alexis’ eyes get even WIDER when she takes a bite of food.

Aaaaawhm

Mikey is in New York to run one of her shows and she talks about things that I won’t even bother to make fun of…

Natalie is getting a mani/pedi with her sister, Leslie, who is just as cute, soft spoken and as little as Natalie. They talk about Rose meeting their mom. Which could be fatal. Seems like Rose could accidentally sit on the entire family at one fell swoop.

Mikey starts to panic that all the editors are canceling their appointments so she breaks out the sparkling wine. One of the designers smiles at the mimosa she offers and Mikey says “See, that’s the expression I wanna hear.” Do I need to point out that one can not HEAR a facial expression?

Tracy calls her homophobe sister, Amy, to have brunch to talk about the weird dinner/movie night. Amy mentions their mom asked about Stamie.  Probably a mistake though. Her mom was probably just trying to get Amy’s attention.  ”PssssST Amy.” Too much of a stretch? Yeah, thought so too.

Jill and especially Nikki get super excited about an estate in Malibu where they might have their commitment ceremony.  A bit grandiose for my taste.

Day one of Mikey’s event faired pretty unsuccessful. It’s okay though. She makes her designers feel better by saying things like “Love you, mean it.”

Jill and Nikki meet up with Camilla the wedding planner. They talk about the house in Malibu and I’m really starting to get bored with all this wedding planning stuff. Is this going to be the Nikki and Jill story line for the ENTIRE season? Culminating with of course the ceremony? Ugh. Predictable.

Oh, good. THANK you. Something entertaining is happening and how many minutes are we into the episode? Thirty? Mikey is at a drag club and the first gem we come across is a lovely Queen talking about how much she loves lesbians. “Lots of cunt but no cuntiness.”

She’s got Barbie legs. And she knows how to use them.

I LOVED the way Mikey walked into the bar. It reminded me of that bully kid on A Christmas Story.  And does she drink ANYthing aside from Champagne? Wow, Mikey. Not very tough.

At Whitlocks, Tor tries to eat her poor puppy and Alyssa tries to eat Whitlock.

Apparently, Mikey is passed out and doesn’t make it to the first part of the second day. I don’t know about you guys but I generally don’t sleep with a huge ass grin on my face.

Tracy’s at lunch with her homophobe sister and they talk about how their mom won’t ask Tracy directly about Stamie… Her homophobe sister gives her horrible advice and tells her not to push. There’s a difference between pushing and feeding into someone’s bullshit, homophobe.

Jill and Nikki are hanging out in their back yard and hop on the phone with Nikk’s friend who is a Rabbi and is going to conduct the ceremony.  Then they argue about the house. Again. And for the love of god can these two have a conversation on the phone without one another???

Mikey is mad at herself that she’s super late to the event and says she’s going to some how make it up to everyone.

Whitlock and her entourage are out at the Cracker Club when Whit finds out that Scarlett and Tor kind of like each other, maybe. Sort of. At least according to Alyssa… Poor Alyssa, only ever talking about everyone but herself.

Rose meets Nat’s sister and mom out for dinner. This family is adorable you guys. Adorable and supportive of one another. I love it.  And Nat totally had the same situation as ol’ Birschy where her sister came out way before she did! Natalie, PLEASE wake up and smell the foul Roses one day. PLEASE. You may be just a little dumb but you’re too good for her…

At Whitlocks, she calls Scarlett Judd out for liking Tor but Tor says she has zero interest as Tor walks out.  Whit talks to Tor about it too and suddenly some sort of homeless lesbian adds her two cents. Oh, and Tor straddles Whit and they make out.

Mikey praises Shauna for all her help. But then sort of out of the blue they talk about how Mikey kind of has a drinking problem? Huh? Oh, jeezus it’s over. Thank the Lord.

Alright my darlings, thanks so very much for sticking with me.

Talk at you next week.

yours and everyone else’s,

BirschTalk