Our cold opening this week asks the question “What kind of lesbian are you?” I thought the most appropriate response was Jill’s “You don’t ask a straight person what kind of straight person they are.” Which is true you don’t generally ask that sort of question but she’s wrong in a way cause there ARE terms like “metrosexual,” or “trophy wife,” which can tend to dictate a person’s role in a straight relationship. But I still like the point that Jill made cause I suppose it’s closest to Ol’ Birschy theorem which states whether you’re in a gay or straight relationship is irrelevant, it just depends on who you’re with, quite simply. It’s the old “who wears the pants,” right? Yes, there are specificities that an individual can possess going into a relation- Oh god, that song! That horrible fucking opening credits song is on and they’re telling me everyone’s name in pink and I can’t even concentrate on what I was saying cause this song is so fucking horrible. Stand-by my darlings, I’m singing Peewee Herman’s “Connect the Dots” song as loud as I can until it’s over…
The ep starts off with the lovable Whitneylocks picking up yet another lady friend from the airport. Her name is Tor…? Although I wish it was Thor. THAT would be awesome. That settles it, I’m naming my first born Thor… Anyway, the first shot we see of Tor is her making the super classy move of taking her gum out of her mouth and dropping it out the window. And then in a deadpan voice confessional Whitneylocks says she totally did not mean to drop off one chick and pick up another, it just happened that way. Tor, who is also Alyssa’s cousin, is moving in with Whitney until she finds a job as a stylist. (Quick side note, Alyssa is Whitney’s best friend/roommate/business partner and I think she’s pretty frikeen cool so far…) Whitlocks and Tor had hooked up a few months ago and now Whitlock says they’re “u-haulin’ it.” Big surprise Whitlock, thank you, yet again, for educating us in lesbian terminology. Then they show us THIS gem of a pic.
What’s going on here? Are they arm wresting? If so Whitlock is totally going to win cause Tor can’t even put her hand around Whit’s entire hand. Is Tor about to move her hat to the backward position and tighten up on her grip while her son watches to win this match while the song “Meet Me Half Way” is playing? This is totally the pose of choice for all lesbian couples, am I right? No. No, I’m not cause I’m being sarcastic.
Mikey tells us she’s lived in LA her whole life and grew up in the “Culver City Projects.” When I moved to LA six years ago my first apartment was in Culver City. But we just called it Culver City… I suppose she CAN call it the “Projects” though cause her best friend was shot right next to her when she was 9 years old. Which is horrible to hear but I can relate. When I was living there a homeless man’s snoring outside my window kept me up ALL night… Mikey’s all biznass as she tries to nail down a location for LA fashion week in a big stage at Sunset Gower Studios. Then she asks who does she have to blow to make sure they get the spot. Which, I can’t imagine she’d be very good at, frankly.
Tracy, the sexy, pretend skateboarder, Development Exec, who is dating Stamie, seems to be realizing what having three kids is really about. Stamie’s three kids are adorable but given their age, are a lot to handle. BTW, I adore Stamie. Hate the name. Like the person. She seems like a straight forward no bullshit kinda person…
Nikki finally tells us she’s an agent to directors and also produces television content. Which thanks to, Sassygrl, I already knew. Holla, Sassy! Jill is a writer. The two of them met up with Dr. Lisa Diamond cause they’ve optioned her book, “Sexual Fluidity.” Jill says that although she’s totally comfortable saying she’s in love with a woman she can’t quite say that she’s gay. I have NO problem with that. But I could tell something was up with her in the first episode and I have a feeling that one day she might end up breaking Nicki’s heart… I hope I’m wrong.
Stamie and Tracy are shootin’ some hoops at the WeHo basketball courts and Tracy tells us she met Stamie at her comedy show she does on Thursday nights. Which comedy show, I really wonder? I may a bit of an outsider when it comes to the “LA lesbian community,” but I am totally immersed in the LA comedy community and I gotta admit I’ve never heard of her until I did some stalking on the internet. She IS friends with three of my comedy type friends on facebook and apparently the night she does is called Comedy90210. I watched some of her stand-up and I really wanted to like it you guys cause I like her but Iiii don’t knooooow… What do you think? http://www.bigisgood.tv/comedy-90210/stamie-standup Anyway, after messin’ around on the courts they head over to the Abbey and there are miraculously more lesbians there than I have EVER seen at that place EVER. Usually the only type of ladies there are fruit flies. I still go there though on occasion even despite that and their gender biased bathroom situation, for their wonderfully stiff mojitos and to enjoy the weather… Uh oh. Duh nuh. Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh naaa na naaaa! It’s Whitlock trolling the Abbey dike! (Spelled “dike” that way on purpose cause it’s a body of water, btw.) She says hi to Tracy and admits she has a little bit of a crush on her. Then Romi, the girl who happens to show up where ever Whitlock goes, is trippin’ cause she can’t be just friends with Whit and then they make out. During which Whitney pops her collar.
Heeeeeeey. (Say like the Fonz.)
Oh barf it all, Rose and Natalie are celebrating their 7 month anniversary. Too much, Natalie. Too much. They’re headed to Lucques. Which is absolutely delicious if you ever get the chance to go. Although, I’m not sure I’d classify their menu as “French-American,” Rose. Estupida… Natalie keeps pushing cause then she talks about babies and marriage and shit. BUT, the GROSSEST thing though was when they toasted to love and Rose throws in a “Cheers to MY love. You’re lucky you got it.” If some bitch said that to me on a “special night” I would “cheers” her in her fucking face and leave…
Whitlock is on the phone with Romi and they’re having the same exact conversation that they’ve had the past three frickeen times and Alyssa comes out to the yard and calls her out on her shit.
Rose and Natalie are about to have a little after dinner boom boom and I had to turn the volume down a little cause the kissing sounds were kind of grossing me out. Just before the last candle is blown out we hear ”Where do you want me to rub you?” Hahahaaaaaahaha! It’s been SEVEN months and you don’t know that yet?
Mikey is at work bragging AGAIN about the length of her dick, I mean runway, and she talks to her Wonder Woahman on the phone about their dinner date later in the evening cause Mikey is being inducted into the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce at CitizenSmith in Hollywood, which is horribly duschy. Horribly. Duschy.
Whitlock and Alyssa apparently have their own monster effects lab company and need to use Tor to mold a torso… I’m not sure what they know what they’re doing… Alyssa can’t even figure out how to come up with 30% of something…
Jill and Nik are picking up Jill’s best friend, Derrick, from San Francisco at LAX and Nik is concerned that Jill still has feelings for this guy. Rightly so. They were ALL over each other’s shit, dude!
Tracy is lunching with her buddy Michael and he’s asking questions that the producers are totally feeding him. Question about her mom and what SHE wants for Tracy, Stamie’s kids, all that jazz… The guys nervous laugh after every question even made ME uncomfortable.
Rose is hanging out with her dad and he’s really cute and fat. He’s giving her the “you need to settle down” speech and she’s saying she’s at least mellowed out. This is making me sleepy so I decided to pull up a pillow out from under one of Rose’s eyes and catch some shut eye.
Whitlock is being all cutesy with Tor and the camera keeps focusing on Whit holding Tor’s butt cause of their “koala bear” hug. Then they TALK about naked massages and scissoring but no dice…
At Citizen Smith Mikey is yelling at her poor scared Asian assistant that she ALWAYS sits in the middle and then she gets a little bummed out that Wonder Woahman wasn’t there to see her receive her plaque cause she was running late from work. Oh, and once again, Mikey talked about the size comparisons of various objects.
Tracy wakes to one of the kids wanting to play with her dog Max and she doesn’t seem very amused. Then Stamie throws a bag of poop for her to catch… Set it on fire Tracy. Set it on fire and put it on old man Earl’s door step…
Mikey is doing a photo shoot with one of the designers for the show when a voicemail reveals that the location she wants is no longer available. WHAT? I DID NOT SEE THAT ONE COMING AT ALL. Ohhh, the humanity! What will Mikey do???? Why god? WHhhhhhhy? I’m hungry.
Rose and Natalie are having a game night and Rose only wants to play the game “Let’s Do Shots and Talk Really Loud.” But Natalie only wants to play “Pay Attention to ME.” I prefer “Monopoly.” Don’t let my sister be the banker though. She cheats. Oh, also, my favorite quote of the night?
“There’s not that mucsh hot girls in LA.”
Whitlock plans to go settle things with Romi at Scarlett’s place in a JACUZZI. Oh Whitlock, the only thing that ever gets settled in a jacuzzi is when someone answers the question, “truth or dare?” Before she leaves though Alyssa gets all up in her grill and tells her to figure her shit out before she hurts more girls.
Natalie pulls Rose aside upset cause Rose is being rude. Rose tells her to move out. THE END. The UNHAPPY end.
Thanks for sticking with me, my lovelies. And so sorry for the delay. Ol’ Birschy refuses to subscribe to Showtime so she’s having to find creative ways to watch the show…
Talk at you next week.
Yours and everyone else’s,