The Real L Word: The Borning After

Happy Belated West Hollywood Pride, my darlins! This year I finally caught some of the actual parade. Among the many other spectacles, I saw Swamp Choach (Romi) there, all by her lonesome, sans Kelsey, walking really fast to gawds knows where. Oh, and The Real L Word was represented in the parade by a cavalcade of U-Hauls… At least they have a sense of humor about themselves… Seeing that made me wonder if the “writers” of the show also have the same sense of self-deprecating humor. They MUST, otherwise, the way some of these ladies are depicted is questionable, to say the least, my good fellows.

Then THIS ep happened… It was a lot of arguing. Too much, in fact. I know they need drama but every. single. scene. felt like an update on each couple’s quarrel… Season 2 started off strong though, so maybe this was just a little slumpy slump…

The ep opens with the morning after scene from SaDa and Whitlock’s clam bake… SaDa, apparently, has fallen asleep still wearing her hooker heels. They wake up, make out some more and gab about how they wish they could stay in bed all day. Then Whitlock talks about how she feels like she’s Romeo from Romeo and Juliet, “it’s like I’m sneaking out of one family, like, to go, like, beyond window breaks, to the other.” Brush up on your Shakespeare, Whitlock! If you’re anyone in Shakespeare gamut of characters, it’s Nick Bottom in A Midsummer’s Night Dream! Thesbian jokes! Huzzah!

A pack of scummy lookin’ gaybos, including Whitlock and SaDa, all wearing the same t-shirts, btw, go to one of my favorite dog parks in LA… Although it’s not an official dog park, us Angelenos like to go there and hang out under the Hollywood sign cause there’s grass, as opposed to dirt. Dirt is well, you know, dirty… Whitney’s voiceover tells us she loves the feeling she gets when she’s with SaDa, while SaDa points at various dogs and asks Whit if she can pet them…

SaDa is confused though cause we then see her petting a small child. UH OH, Rachel shows up with her dog and a frumpy gaybo friend. Seeing Whit with SaDa upsets Rachel so she leaves eventually, but what I don’t understand is how Whitney didn’t see Rachel. That place is about the size of a football field…

Claire is driving back to Francine’s place. She left and stayed with her parent’s at their hotel to give Francine time to “cool off.” Back at Francine’s, we see Claire poking around online looking at cherrygirl.com doing some research to start her website project cause, in Claire’s words, “because in a lot of places they still think we’re these Birkenstock wearing girls, but I think that times have changed and we need a publication that shows who we are now.” Does anyone know what Claire was doing before this that qualifies her to develop this BRILLIANT idea, ol’ Birschy asked, sarcastically… After she stares at the laptop with her mouth open for a while, she then yells at Francine for her wanting to make sure everything is kosher between them and if her salad is good…

Saj picks up Marissa, one of her straight friends from college, at the airport. They stop for lunch on the way home and Saj talks about how much she likes Chanel already even though they just met last night… Have I mentioned how much I love Saj? Cause I do. Love “huh.” Love “huh” so much.

Cori and Kacy dine on what looks like some delicious meatball subs while they talk about how confusing it is when a man suddenly gets attached to his sperm. Kacy, in her confessional wishes Cori was having her baby, but she can’t and this makes things feel out of control… They’re having to resort to begging on the streets for sperm.

Swamp Choach and Kelsey are having sushi with Ann, Swamp Choach’s mom. Ann is a lesbian too, which is adorable. Ann isn’t. She’s old. But it’s adorable she’s a lesbian… Anyway, Kelsey explains that as a cashier she has to be “on point,” and for some reason the cash register doesn’t end up being perfectly balanced a lot of times and she’s now getting written up as a result. Swamp Choach is worried that Kelsey will lose her job when she already bears all of their financial responsibilities. Then ANN brings up their lack of intimacy… Eww! Who wants to talk about sex with their MOM?? Listen, my mom is awesome. She’s totally cool with not only having one but TWO gaybo daughters. The other day she made me watch Black Swan with her. When we got gaybo eat out scene, to make things less awkward I said, “Yeeeah!, ” to which my mom shouted joyously, “I KNEW you’d like this scene!.” The fact that my mom wanted me to watch a movie because of gaybo scene is incredibly dear but we don’t discuss various sexual positions and my current sex life!

Whitlock receives a hard time from Alyssa for being seen with SaDa. Alyssa refuses to reveal the source of this rumor while Rachel sits there and listens to the whole thing. Alyssa threatens to go through with Whitlock’s previous request to have her punch SaDa in “her fake tits.” To relieve stress, Rachel goes to her room, puts on some porn and masturbates to chicks sucking dick. Even though she’s a gold star lesbian, this turns her on cause “they look like they’re whores.” If you didn’t know already, I learned from a very lovely lady just a few weeks ago, in fact, that a “gold star” lesbian is a lesbian who has never had sex with a man…

Snake hole tattoo or bellybutton mustache tattoo? Either way- gross!

After the most contrived masturbation scene in history, (And I don’t mean she faked the orgasm. I just mean I can’t believe they expect us to believe that she needed to masturbate on camera because she was so “angry.”) we head over to Francine’s place. She’s cooking dinner for Claire, which Claire is quite impressed with. Claire says some bastard-y type things like, “you like how I’m talking to you now? Really trying to not be controlling.” Claire brings up her large collection of lesbian magazines which makes them reference Francine’s mother:

Francine hasn’t told her mother she’s gay, but I wouldn’t either if my mother was Kim Jong-il… Francine is “still thinking about the perfect way to tell her… I’m still thinking. Maybe in a fortune cookie.” Or, how about when the show airs?

Oh, shush! Everybody be quiet. It’s Chanel! She’s sitting on the curb waiting for Saj. After Saj finds her, and some flirting that seems to make Saj’s friend uncomfortable, Saj and Chanel march together, representing the Gay & Lesbian Center in the Martin Luther King Jr. parade. It was really cute, you guys. Saj’s confessional was even more dear, with, “I kinda held onto Chanel throughout the entire parade, because, I always talk about the work I do, but having her close by just kinda really gave it meaning, ya know. It gave me the emotional element. You know, like this is why I’m out fighting for gay rights, so that I can spend my life with you. Well, my time at the moment. Not my life. That sounds like forever,” she said coyly…

In the backyard, Rachel wants to tell Alyssa something but she needs Alyssa to promise she won’t say anything to Whitney. Alyssa says, “I can’t promise you that. What is it, first?” Which made me laugh really loud. Cut to an, “are you fucking kidding me,” from Whitlock. In the house, Alyssa and Rachel tell Whitlock that SaDa is trying to get a job at Rachel’s former hair salon in New York and that she wants to get back together with her old girlfriend. Whitlock promises them there will be nothing more between Whitlock and SaDa.

Post MLK Jr parade, Chanel and Saj are continuing with the affection. Saj tells Chanel she’s glad she came and Chanel says she was too with an, “it was a bunch of black people in a positive setting.” Saj thinks Chanel was really feeling her and it certainly seems that way. Saj even does a little victory dance after walking Chanel to her car.

Kacy and Cori have dinner with some homely looking gay couple friends. The each have their favorite. Over some sliders they ask BOTH of them if they would consider donating some sperm. They both say no because, “I know you, and so the thing is if I give you the sperm, I know you want the baby to be yours and so we can not talk about it…” Kacy complains about how that makes no sense and I’m with her! I really don’t see the big fucking deal, dudes… Kacy says diplomatically that they’re entitled to their own opinion but I say it’s bullshit… If I could give a friend something as special as that by GETTING OFF, no less, I’d do it in a heartbeat…

Swamp Choach gets home from a long day at work and asks Kelsey where her food is. They dish up some hamburger helper looking stuff and then Swamp Choach orders Kelsey around some more and has her go to the store for some vodka so she can get a “nice buzz in her.” Swamp Choach’s voiceover expresses more concern over her being the only bread winner working at Marc Jacobs while she puts on some tights…

Francine and Claire too are going to pre-party with a bottle of wine before they go out to meet everyone else at Haute in WeHo… They try on weird hats while Francine’s voiceover says she’s really ready to move forward with Claire and let go of the past. Francine makes a joke and Claire doesn’t really react. I’m gonna start calling her Ms. Personality. And why does she always seem to have a cold or something? And is it more or does she sometimes sound like Sylvester Stallone.

The whole cast trickles into Haute and they all have their quasi-introductions with each other… I might have spoke too soon cause Claire is smiling and even being a little outgoing. Then, of course, the drama ensues- Whitlock lays into SaDa about the text messages and stuff. SaDa retorts that she hasn’t talked to Hanna in a really long time. When Whitlock asks when the last time was she last spoke with her, SaDa admits, “today.” SaDa even has a smile on her face when she says it so at least she’s aware she’s being a bastard. I kinda liked that. Cut to more drinking. Cut to Kesley yelling and slurring at Swamp Choach because she leaned over and kissed Rachel in front of her. Cut to more drinking. Cut to more Whitlock and SaDa arguing… Claire is observing all of this and wants to bail cause she “wasn’t raised to scream in night clubs.” Yes, Claire. ALL parents should give their children a proper “night club etiquette” upbringing… After Claire and Francine leave a friend approaches a drunk Kelsey and tells her Swamp Choach is too drunk and they had better leave. They both stumble around outside and slur a few things to each other about getting a cab and talking about their relationship when they’re sober.

What Swamp Choach really said: “You all won make erything so bad.”

Claire and Francine get home and Claire Skypes with Vivian in front of Francine. JEEZus Claire have a little heart. If you’re going to string two girls along at least don’t do it in front of them! This story line is so flimsy but what 2Hyper proposed about the L Word being in New York and then falling through makes sense.

The morning after Haute, Swamp Choach washes her face and crawls back into bed with Kelsey. They talk about Swamp Choachs shenanigans and how much it scares her that she so easily can do something that hurts Kelsey when she drinks. So in her confessional she decides to give it up for a while. I gotta say I kinda liked seeing Swamp Choach without the shit ton of purple eye shadow and overly rosy cheeks she likes to cake on. Don’t get me wrong, she’s hot all done up but seeing her in the raw made her seem more human…

Kacy and Cori have commenced “operation find sperm, stage 2. ” The girls are now searching a database online for a donor. They are fork out 200 smackers to see his picture and and interview. They try to avoid super thick eyebrows and look for someone to try and get someone that looks like Kacy. Kori says “there’s no one as cute as her,” which I thought was so very dear… They seem pretty stoked on the pool they have to choose from. Things are looking up for them! So far there’s a Laker fan in the running. Good call, ladies!

Swamp Choach and Kelsey go over to her lesbian mom’s house for lunch. Swamp Choach gets a lecture from her mom about drinking too much and then tells us in a confessional that Rome Coach was diagnosed as bi-polar at a young age and has even been suicidal. They all conclude that her giving up drinking a good idea. Kelsey doesn’t seem to think she has a drinking problem but everyone else disagrees. Including me. Based on what I’ve seen on tv, of course, and we all know that we can rely on THAT.

Francine is at work and she chats with her cube mate about her frustration with Claire. Francine says things like, “being strung along,” and her work pal seems to want to just get back to work…

Whitlock and Rachel have a fag in the back yard while the discuss Whitlock’s decision to finally call things off with SaDa. Rachel seems very cool about the whole situation and even Whitlock brings up how laid back she’s being in her confessional along with a bit of foreshadowing now that both her and Rachel are both single…

In a different backyard, Claire and Francine also smoke cigs and argue about the usual. Francine says she’s going to remove herself from the equation cause she doesn’t want to wait around for her any longer. Claire cries in a confessional, expressing flip-floppy sentiments of not giving up but not moving on and getting over it and not getting over it. She seems to be genuinely upset… Or maybe her cold is just getting worse…

“Ugh. I can’t talkch about it.”

Then there’s some more horrible music and the ep ends… Seriously WHO picks out the music for this show??? The editing isn’t bad. The cast this season is great but the music makes me want to just want to watch the whole damn show on mute… Which is what I would do anyway when I used to watch The L Word.…

Alright, darlins. Thanks so much for sticking with me.

Talk at you next week,

yours and everyone else’s,

BirschTalk