Heads up, you may insist on having a lobotomy after this one, darlins’, cause this week they gave us not one sex scene. Not ONE lick. (She said like Chris Rock.) There was a tiny bit of makin’ out with Saj and Chanel but nothing that ol’ pervo Birschy would want to rewind and watch again. I have to admit though I was still entertained enough by the silly gaybo drama. Yes, it’s probably only because I’m already invested in some of these story lines but there were some fun shenanigans a happenin’. What were these shenanigans, you ask?
Rachel is making a lot of crunching sounds eating a bell pepper. Whitlock hears her from down the hall and asks if she can have a bite. Whit says the pepper is the first thing she’s eaten in days. Rachel tells her to be careful because of her dreadlocks can make her top heavy. Which was actually kinda funny. Whit says her brains also make her top heavy and this prompts a jab or two from Rachel in regards to Whit’s decision to hang out with SaDa again. Whit gets defensive and Rachel says it makes her think less of her for choosing to love someone like SaDa… I’m still wondering what the total weight of Whitlock’s dreads are…
Kelsey sleeps in while Swamp Choach decides to go for a jog in Echo Park. Swamp Choach feels more focused since she’s stopped drinking and so she puts on some giant headphones (that I would never exercise in unless I thought my ears needed to lose a substantial amount of water weight) and pretends to run. Then she has a cigarette. Noo, she doesn’t. Or at least they don’t show her but I bet she did.
Claire wraps on her Run DMC video and moves into her new apartment.
It’s time to rock a rhyme, to move in on time. It’s tricky! ( Gimme that track suit, snot nose!)
Her stuffed up sounding confessional tells us she’s moving into her own place cause she has finally found closure with Francine. The closure being Francine is a giant beeotch to her. All this while she puts sheets on a blow up bed. Moving complete!
Cori and Kacy apparently share a mutual friend couple with SaDa and Whitney, so they all meet at Susan Feniger’s Street for some din din. I meant it when I said this last season, and I mean it now when I say if you have not been, GO. Beside being frickeen delicious, the food is both innovative AND comforting. The whole dining experience is truly soul satisfying and I’m not just saying that cause it’s run by “family.” But I digress, Cori and Kacy tell Whit and SaDa the story of how they met at “Here.” Whit’s confessional actually says some very nice things about them, and labels them a “unicorn couple.” Which is a happy lesbian couple that never goes out. When Kacy asks about their relationship, Whit stammers through a two fish swimming in different ponds analogy, while SaDa gives a fake weird smile and nods.
It’s Saj and Chanel’s birthday so Saj has rented a house with lots of neon lights for their friends to celebrate. Chanel introduces Saj to all her friends and family. Cut to- Saj and Chanel giving each other lap dances in front of everyone. Saj picks her up and takes her into a room, we think, so they can have sex. During the booty grinding, Saj confessed they haven’t yet had sex but she really wants to, of course. In the room, Chanel is admiring the journal Saj gave to her that they will both write in about their relationship. If someone did that for me I would hope they like pictures of stick figures doin’ it… Saj takes a different route and writes about finding love for the first time in her life. She cries while she reads it to Chanel and Chanel wipes away her tears and tells her she loves her too. We learn from Saj’s confessional that after two weeks they both dropped the “l word, the OTHER l word.” Then they make out for a little bit and Saj gets blue lips cause Chanel says she has to go entertain her friends. Chanel runs out and Saj takes out her sexual frustration on the ottoman. SOMEbody has been watching too much youtube…
After dinner, SaDa and Whitlock get naked and hop into SaDa’s bed. They chat about the lovely dinner they had and how each of the three couples was in a different stage in their relationship. Whit’s confessional says she’d like to trust SaDa and have a normal relationship but she just can’t trust her. They trace each other’s tattoos with their fingertips while SaDa tells Whit she’s not seeing anyone and that she would do anything for Whit to trust her… Poor Whit. As much as I make fun of her dreads I actually really like the person she seems to be on the show. She seems like a genuinely nice person. A nice person with hair that smells like dead poop. Come to think of it, her hair kinda looks like dead poop too.
Kelsey and Swamp Choach have a little pillow talk session themselves. Kelsey tells Swamp Choach she was pounding the pavement, walking everywhere looking for a job. Swamp Choach seems sympathetic and her confessional says she basically is glad she only has to fix Kelsey’s daily routine and not her soul. Which I actually thought was very sweet.
At the double birthday party, Saj wants to rap things up cause the property manager’s friends are starting to show up. Saj tells her she’s gonna go and when she asks if there’s anything she needs to do. Natasha, the manager, says she has to clean up. Saj says she will but then tells Natasha to have her friends move their stuff so she can. This seems like a perfectly reasonable request but for some reason Natasha starts to flip out and tells her to leave. Something else MUST have happened cause I don’t understand why this Natasha lady and her friends are suddenly going crazy trying to push Saj out of the house. Meanwhile, Saj is getting frustrated with Chanel cause she wants to leave and Chanel is lollygagging. Natasha is yelling at Saj about cleaning up as they’re pulling away and Saj hits a car with a “Chanel, shut the fuck up. I know what I’m doing.” Saj backs up and exchanges info with the owner. On the way home, Chanel cries and Saj says “if we have one more issue like this, we done.” But I STILL don’t understand what the eff happened at that party!
Oh, goodie! There’s Scarlett. Scarlett is the Wynonna Judd look a like friend of Whit’s that was around much more frequently last season. Whit is over at her new apartment helping her paint. They gab about SaDa, of course. Scarlett’s confessional says she’s “toxic” for Whit, of course, and I’m kinda getting tired of this storyline already…
Okay, fine. She’s much hotter than Wynonna, but can she SING?
Claire heads to a meeting with a lesbian film making company called Power Up. During her trip over she tells us she needs to stop worrying about the ladies and needs to start focusing on her own career… Claire sits by the pool and pitches her lesbian fashion website idea to two seemingly really sharp women at the company. Jamie Babbit, a Director and Stacy Codikow, the Founder of Power Up. Claire rambles through her “idea” (emphasis on the quotes) and Stacy asks what her publishing background is, which was the same exactly thing I was wondering episodes ago… Then Claire goes onto to tell them she really has nothing to offer other than the idea itself and says she wants to call it “Dirty Boudoir.” After some cricket noises they very gently tell her no by offering her an internship at the company. Claire says “that would be amazing but I’m not gonna go and do something, I mean, I’m not gonna go and be your secretary.” Jeezus, Claire. Don’t quit your lady job…
Swamp Choach shows up at her friend/new business partner, Vanessa’s house. She tells us although she’s been doing make up for a really long time she wants to venture into the jewelry making business. Vanessa has experience in this so they go through digital sketches of different pieces while Romi’s V.O. says she was wearing feather earrings and suddenly everyone else started wearing feathered earrings, so she’s decided to make them and sell them. Although I wasn’t too crazy about the shoe jewelry I did kinda like the head pieces.
Introducing Swamp Choach’s Choachahontis jewelry collection, available only at street vendors on Santa Monica Blvd in WeHo…
Whit and Alyssa make fun of Rachel’s camel toe and Alyssa uses an old timey voice to tell her she looks like “James and The Giant Peach down there.” Which was kinda funny. Rachel’s confessional tells us her BFF and her fiance are in town and she’s bringing Whitlock along to cut their hair at a place called the Sunset Marquee. While they’re there Rachel seems a little loopy and cuts her own finger while giving her friend a hair cut. Rachel’s BFF even pulls Whit aside and tells her she’s seen Rachel pop a pill or two. After Rachel is finished giving out haircuts Whit whisper for her to take it easy if she’s going to take Klonopin AND drink while she bandages her wound. Rachel gets sentimental and kisses Whit while Whitlock tries to handle the situation quietly and gently. Whit is a good person. A good person with hair that smells like zombie farts.
Saj does some foot drills on a football field while her smug looking confessional tells she plays women’s professional football with the LA Amazons. Saj is thankful to “hit and rip” in practice cause she’s frustrated about her fight with Chanel. I have to say the “Amazons” are pretty much the best name for a women’s football team you’re ever gonna get. Much better than the Las Vegas Showgirls. Which is really a team name. For reals. Not joking. Look it up.
Whit and Alyssa walk by a passed out Rachel to have a cigarette outside. Whit gives her the scoop on what happened at the Sunset Marque and Alyssa thinks it’s because she’s trying to get used the idea of hooking up with Whit and still being friends. “She’s trying to break her own ice.” Which doesn’t make sense to me but I still get what she’s saying. BTW, out of the hundreds of dogs that live at their place, the chubby one with the underbite, is my favorite:
Claire arrives at LAX to pick up her best gay friend, Barbara. They head over to Barbarella for cocktails. There Claire tells Barbara about the awkward meeting she had at Power Up and how they offered her an internship but she doesn’t want to take it cause she needs to make money. Barbara looks bored as Claire continues to talk about her dumb idea but then they feed us a new development when Claire says she hopes the cast of The Real L Word will be willing to donate their time for a photo shoot for the site.
Kacy and Cori show up at the Bungalow for one last night of debauchery and smoking before Cori gets prego. They affectionally title the night “Knockin’ em Back Before We Get Knocked Up” night… It’s a little long gals but I guess it works… We’re then taken through a series of the group going to different clubs and doing shots. Cori’s alter egos start to show and Kacy explains to us there are two. The first is Cookie. Cookie is kind of a bossy bitch. Then there’s CoCo. CoCo is the horny lesbian one that of course gets a long swimmingly with Kacy. After we get to watch CoCo cuss like a sailor and bend various people over on the dance floor, she does one last shot that puts her over the edge. CoCo runs into the bathroom to yack. Kacy follows her in and brings her back out but this time it’s Cori. They end the night pulling away from the club as Cori yells “Bye, bitches, I love you SO much.” Which is adorable and little annoying but more adorable because I too love those bitches so much. They’re the best thing this season has going…
Over some lunch, Saj and Chanel talk through what went wrong on their birthdays. They both decided they wanna work through it and then Saj seems to indicate that in order to make up and/or move onto the next step in their relationship, they need to have sex. Oy. This is giving me heart burn watching this and it’s not from the big bowl of pasta Chanel is eating. It’s been two weeks! Two! Weeks! The only thing they SHOULD be doing is having sex. There should be no talk of love. Too soon for love. There’s something creepy about Saj TELLING Chanel “I’m ready to fuck” over lunch. It makes me like her way less for some reason.
Rachel wants to borrow the car from Whit to go hang out with her friends in town and Whit tries to talk to her about what happened. Rachel is mad that she can’t borrow Whit’s car and she doesn’t seem to want to talk about her pill problem. Whit seems genuinely concerned in her confessional outside and Rachel really looks like she’s on something in hers… Now THIS is more like it! It may not actually be real but at least it’s convincing! Rachel says somethings out of insecurity about her and SaDa, including:
“In my opinion Whitney can’t shay shit.”
Whitney leaves to go pick up SaDa while Rachel cries and pops a few more pills…. Couldn’t of written it any better m’self.
En route to SaDa’s salon, Whit talks to the camera operator in the car about the usual wanting a relationship with SaDa but not being able to trust her bit . She says she just needs some kind of sign or indicator to push her in either direction when suddenly she sees the girl Whit suspects SaDa of seeing practically walk out of SaDa’s work. Whit pulls over and I can’t wait for her to bust SaDa. This is gonna be RICH! I also realized SaDa works at the salon just a minute or two from my pad… SaDa hops in and Whit plays it cool for a sec but then asks her how her boo is doing. SaDa says what boo and Whit tells her she just saw Erika walking down the street. SaDa still denies they’re seeing each other but Whit finally cuts things off once and for all, which means, according to Whitlock, she’s “single as hell.” Which is JUST hows I like my Whitlock! Yay!
One funny little thing I noticed
Alright, that’s it for this week, darlins’.
Thanks for sticking with me.
Talk at you next week.
yours and everyone else’s,