The River Recap: Hanging 10 to Life

Greetings, Gasmii, let’s get all my issues on the table, shall we? Humans bring all our petty prejudices to any show we watch, and I’m no exception. I say humans because I have seen that dogs and cats can basically watch anything with movement fly across the screen and they’re entertained (Max the cat is fascinated by a Mouse Pointer flying across my flat screen right now). I can’t handle television characters that remind me of ridiculous traits in myself. Example: Lonely Boy is so obnoxious I want to punch him, yet I know I judge the people in my life all the time even as I strain to join the crowd.

This week I met a character on the River who reminds me of a young Ginger, circa 1991. Ginger was a dirty blonde back then, spoke with an obnoxious Valley-Girl lift and had absolutely no respect for anyone’s boundaries. (Shudder) Needless to say, I can’t like this new character yet. I just hope he grows on me…like a monster killer vine. Without further ado, let’s get right into the action this week, and I’ll get over my distaste for X-Game characters and the nasty Foley sound of squishing bugs, k?

Previously: Dr. Emmet Cole is missing, new expedition is looking for him, they’ve got his ship, and it’s all on camera, minus one camera man.

5-7 Months Ago: The Magus is stuck in the water, with vines crawling all over like Sleeping Beauty’s palace. Emmet Cole begins slicing through it all, as cameraman Jonas Beckett tracks his movements. Emmet and Jonas turn after clearing the vines, and the ship is overtaken again like nothing ever happened.

Day 16
Jimmy Johns is making a delivery to the Magus despite the crew being in a scary section of the River no one dares to travel upon. So I’m trying to figure out if the expedition crew only went into the forbidden area in episode 1, or have they been in it all along?

Freaky Fast Delivery

Tess barters batteries and a lantern for a farmer’s market bounty of produce. Clark isn’t thrilled about losing equipment, but it’s the cost of doing business. Tess isn’t thrilled about Clark filming the grocery service delivery crew, but AJ has been filming them the whole time too (FORESHADOWING) so boundaries aren’t something the producer cares about much. It’s been only 2 days since the last episode, but the Magus has supposedly explored every mapped site with no trace of Emmet Cole.

If you agreed to an open-ended search and rescue mission would you be giving up hope yet? I wouldn’t, but I have to remind myself that this was just supposed to be a “locate beacon and rescue” mission, not an unrestricted death march. Clark is probably way past his deadline to get the crew out of Brazil, because he’s talking up everyone’s weaknesses to make them lose faith in Tess as Captain.

No need to work so hard, we all know she’s no Janeway.

Not just a proverbial fork in the road, the crew has reached an unmapped region and need to decide if they’re going left…or right. Lincoln’s got a haircut like Daddy Cole, and now he’s taking on more of Daddy Cole’s traits. Remember when Lincoln wouldn’t pick up the guitar his Dad gave him? Now he’s providing the Swiss Family Cole entertainment with Lena as Jayne grills up some nasty river fish.

Just be happy you don’t have to listen to the music. Please explain where the room for this throwback organ grinder came from on a ship with limited space for supplies?

Clark delivers my favorite line of the night and a brief summation of this episode during his interview: “Basically all people at their core are assholes, and usually it’s just a matter of time before something comes along to make them show it.” Amen, and smurf you for saying something I agree with.

Mercifully the musical moment is interrupted by our favorite Madame Buzzkill, Lena, as she spots a hanging corpse in the trees…or is it?

Finally! Maybe we’ll get a Walking Dead crossover!

Tess and then Lena recognize the hanging man as Jonas Beckett, camera man from Emmet Cole’s team. He’s alive! Jayne proves his eyes have healed fine by shooting the vine strangling Jonas. Since I know absolutely nothing about firearms, I’ll just say that Jayne must be a past Top Shot champion. Jonas falls into the River and the galley table again becomes an operating table. Blah, blah, blah, malaria is about all I understand from Lincoln. I keep fixating on that galley table. Would you eat on it after Clark had lain bleeding to death on it only 2 days ago? Speaking of 2 days ago it seems like Clark’s wounds have magically sealed like a champ. I wasn’t sitting up 3 days after gall bladder surgery, and I was treated with an endoscopic approach and had some awesome pain medication. Clark was stabbed with a jagged hunting knife in the gut and wound sealed with that knife hours later. Either the crew is approaching an enchanted healing ray or Clark is straight lining heroin in his cabin.

Back to the Past:
Jonas’ audition tape is the kind of nauseating frat boy/X-games tape I expect from him. Lena tapes his interview for the cameraman position, and Jonas lives up to type by bragging about his exploits on foreign trips and showing off his past injuries.

Sorry man, you’re not impressing Lena. Save it for Genevieve

Tess is in a tizzy with Clark because he admits to not watching any tapes with Jonas on them, as they have been focusing on the more recent tapes only. Back off Tess! You’re on a ship with dozens of static and at least 2 mobile cameras recording 24×7 for months. I’m guessing there are hundreds of tapes covering thousands of hours of footage. I don’t see you getting your butt down to the Sliver room to volunteer for eye strain. Tess does find a cell phone on Jonas, and heads up to the deck to charge it.

I better not have lost my Momma Mia soundtrack, Abba rules!

Jayne doesn’t look too happy about the cell phone, and recommends to Lincoln that he harvest quinine from the Cinchona trees spotted along the river. Lincoln isn’t too sure about this, as the wrong dose could kill Jonas (that’s the point, actually). Being a good little soldier, Lincoln heads out to get the bark.

I’m not being a pussy, I’m Bear!

At the Magus, Lena is broadcasting a mayday which seems a little wrong to me…re-watching with the closed captioning illuminated what’s been bothering me. Lena uses the full name of the ship, and it’s a weird one:

So the crew has been on a ship called Magus WTF the entire time? Explains a lot, actually.

She also doesn’t repeat the ship name, and this is just enough of an imperfection to bother my obsessive compulsive brain. Just for information, kids, when calling Mayday, here’s the proper format:
1) Say ‘Mayday’ three times
2) Say the ship name three times
3) Describe the nature of the emergency (I am ‘problem’ with ‘number’ of persons onboard, require immediate assistance)

I feel smarter already, how about you?

Meanwhile in the engine room, Emilio is servicing the engines while Jahel is having a major tizzy fit. She’s forcing him to pick a card from her Tarot deck, and not happy about the results. Can Jahel have one good day where she’s not diagnosing a major paranormal disturbance?

Why am I always the Buzzkill on this boat?

Clark and AJ in Sliver room are monitoring the fight. AJ finds another Jonas tape and it explains why Jonas is definitely paparazzi by nature. Jonas sees an ancient rite taking place on the side of the river and Emmet stops him from filming. Jonas doesn’t see why he shouldn’t film; he wants to win an award:

Spa day is a sacred rite. Give me a massage or go away.

Back in present day, Clark approves. One more warning, Clark, you’re about to become Douche again. I will give this to Clark; he’s paying attention to Jahel and her distress. Something strange is going on here, and she knows something.

Up at the bridge, Tess is being a selfish and indecisive leader, just what I’ve come to know and expect. She doesn’t want to turn back and take Jonas to safety; it would cut into the rescue time for Emmet. Tess’ rationalization is that Jonas would have died anyway if they arrived only a minute later, who will know? I can think of another captain who cared more about their desires than the safety of the ship…

Too soon?

Tess reluctantly agrees to do the right thing, and the ship is besieged by falling birds.

I’d be worried about bird flu.

A huge storm is brewing, and not just in Lincoln’s digestive track from that nasty river fish. Clark heads back to Sliver control to take another look at the tape from earlier, when Jahel was so upset. Jahel believes that Jonas is El Colgado, the Hanging Man. El Colgado was a bartender at Chili’s in the 80’s. During Wheel of Fortune meal breaks, he would pour Tequila shots and triple margaritas for Pat and Vanna. El Colgado got them so plastered that Pat would believe that Arse and Bees are real letters in the alphabet. He would then sneak into the studio to steal Free Spins and trips to Catalina Island. El Colgado is cursed to relive the Bonus round again and again, in high heeled shoes and a back plunge gown with shoulder pads. Clark gets this Intel from Jahel, and a warning that all will suffer as long as the thief is in their midst.

Speaking of thieves, Jonas is miraculously gone from the galley table. Again, how are these people healing from injury so quickly? Humph. Jonas has ‘stolen’ into the Sliver room and is watching a storm scene where a woman named ‘Rabbit’ is being dragged off the ship by killer vines. Jonas grabs the incriminating tape and heads for the deck but Lincoln intercepts him in the hallway. Jonas offers to lie to Lincoln about what’s been happening.

I wanted to stop for Starbucks, the rest of the crew wanted Caribou. No biggie.

This guy is shifty, and has a lot to hide obviously. Up on the bridge Jonas talks a good game, pretending to be surprised at how much time has passed, etc. Lincoln gets a little jealous at the reception Jonas gets from Lena, methinks. Tess is just hungry for information, and Jonas feigns innocence, just mentions a ‘path’ Emmet was on. Is it the Golden Path? Where are the worms hiding?

Heading out to watch the storm, I do the same thing during Tornado Warnings.

The storm is heading in fast, so of course the crew goes outside to see…and Jonas almost has an opportunity to dump that incriminating tape off the side of the ship. It’s not a just a storm coming, but something more biblical.

The locusts are coming, the locusts are coming!

The bugs aren’t too thrilled with natives selling produce to the Magus crew, either.

The crew scrambles into the ship and start sealing all the vents. I cringe every time someone just smacks their hands into the wall to squish a bug. This is way too Fear Factor for me. I can’t stand bugs and have an irrational fear of cockroaches. I once worked in an older military building with HUGE cockroaches and stepped on a few accidentally. The sense memory of that nasty squish…I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Clark uses a little too much awareness when he observes that when Jahel is scared, the group is in danger. Jonas is looking pretty shifty, so you know he’s behind this. Jahel fingers him as the cause of the storm, so Jonas spits up blood and starts having a seizure. Jayne’s plan to pump Jonas with quinine until he dies appears to be working.

Tess heads upstairs to get the cell phone so we can get some more bug shots. I would look away, but it won’t help because the sound effects are just as nauseating as the visuals. We’re treated to the customary hand-out-the-window-in-danger shot, reminiscent to the mom-hand-up-chimney-to-close-the-flue shot from Close Encounters.

So nice of the CGI team to ensure the iPhone is perfectly clear for the placement cash.

Meanwhile Jahel is teaching Lincoln a magic trick.

Tess has started examining Jonas’ iPhone footage, and he’s managed to get a pretty good video file on that early generation phone. Jonas captured the moment of the native man’s death, his spirit sucked right into the iPhone. Was the spirit attracted to the souls of all the Foxconn employees? If that phone rings with a spooky message about dying in 7 days, I’m outta here. The bugs have now gone, the storm is falling rain upon the ship, and now a vine noose is dangling on the upper deck of the ship.

Clark grabs the tape he rightly accuses Jonas of hiding (just expect every line out of that guy’s mouth to be utter b.s.) and they watch as Emmet abandons Jonas to his vine-y torment. Jonas remembered what happened, he’s been lying the whole time. Shocker. Kurt chases Jonas up to the bridge and gets ready to surrender him to the jungle. Lincoln, true to character, has no intention of doing this. Blah, blah, blah, we all make mistakes. Blah, blah, blah, we can’t act like savages. Blah, blah, blah, we can’t leave a man to die. Lincoln tries to get others on his morally righteous train, but the boat is slammed by the storm.

Now only Tess and Lincoln are for keeping Jonas alive on board. Tess uses this to get Jonas to admit to Emmet’s true mission and point to the place on the map where the group was headed.

Crapcakes

Based on Jayne’s reaction, Jonas’ information is accurate.

Double Crapcakes

Well, Tess is more ruthless than I gave her credit for, because now she’s done with Jonas. She orders Jonas off the ship, and Lincoln is pretty disappointed.

Damn, Mom. I knew you were incompetent but I never thought you were cold-blooded.

Lincoln grabs Jayne’s weapon to keep the group from sending Jonas to his death, but there’s a slam of water, chaos, some sanctimonious banter and Jonas is suddenly inspired to run up on deck. Tess shows her own self-absorption by running up because Jonas took his phone with him in the scramble up to the noose. She’s screaming in the background about the damn phone while Jonas apologizes for causing the trouble and slams said phone into the scaffolding before climbing up and sticking his head in the noose.

Another case of sacrifice leading to slow and painful death on this show.

Tess is ignoring the dangling drama above, more concerned with her Precious on the ground.

All of my rollover minutes, they’re escaping!

As the spirit is released back into the jungle, Jonas is freed of his curse and dropped back onto the ship. He will be making a full recovery in about 6 hours, based on the status of Clark and Lena’s injuries.

Day 16 was pretty long, but all on the boat is right back to normal. At what point will these people start acknowledging (other than Clark, Jahel and Emilio that is) that they’re heading straight into a spooky paranormal freak show? Have they no sense of self-preservation? I think I’m just getting a pissy view that the writers are just stringing me along and not being too realistic to the characters’ actual feelings. I think that any group of people experiencing this journey would be more open to paranormal explanations, and would be looking to Jahel at this point like a supernatural barometer.

So as we end this week’s misadventure, Jonas is now the second cameraman. Lincoln tries to patch up hard feelings with Jayne. Tess knows that everyone on board thinks her ‘captainship’ is a total joke. Lincoln is the only idealist left, even if it’s just a reaction to his inherent wish to do the opposite of anything his dad did.

Next week we’re back to what I’m looking for – evil spirits and maybe even a ghost ship! I can’t get enough of paranormal stuff with no moral high ground to stand upon. What is this anyway, Nancy Grace?

So please, chatter away…convince me this was a better episode than the first 3. Why is Jonas a character I should learn to love rather than resent by his presence? At what point will the crew realize that Jayne is a fox among the sheep?

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