The Spin Crowd: Cryin Over Spilled Coffee

Previously on The Spin Crowd, Jonathan was an asshole when it came to work attire.  He also seems to be sporting a tire around his waist.  Also, Summer loves celebrities and Lauren is a slut.  Or maybe only dresses like one.  Either way, one thing is certain…..

Girlfriend needs to buy a bra.

This week we start the show at Jonathan’s condo, which not only houses him, but Simon as well.  Was this the big payoff Simon was referring to last week?

Gurrrrl, please.

Simon tells us that their business has flourished since they’ve been living together.  But don’t start thinking things are all cozy and wonderful; Simon tells us living with Jonathan is like being in hell.  And then we see why.

Jonathan is a pig, y’all.

I know, I know, that’s stating the obvious, isn’t it?  But I have to tell you, old food and dishes left out really gets to me like nothing else.  I can almost smell the rot in his apartment.

And that’s just from his soul.

Jonathan tells him that when they get back it will all be clean.  Yes, the wonders of a cleaning lady.  There is nothing in the world like the smell of a clean house that you didn’t have to clean yourself.  But Simon can’t deal with this, so he’s just gonna go ahead and start cleaning up the mess himself.

As he’s busy cleaning up the mess that Jonathan made, Jonathan tells us that living with Simon is a big headache for him.  He’s an only child, and he’s used to doing what he wants.  I’d think he’d be happy; think of all the money he can save on maid service if Simon’s going to do the cleaning up!

He compares living with Simon to living with the Queen in London.

Wash your fucking dishes!

They have a little bit of a Single White Female moment as Jonathan thinks Simon has stolen his tie, but Simon tells him he bought the exact same one.  Relax, Jonathan.  Something tells me Simon’s not trying to copy your fashion sense (or lack thereof).

Simon gives him shit about not being ready and says he’s leaving in four minutes.  It’s going to be hard for him to leave without Jonathan since he tells us he’s the one driving.

I hope he remembered to clean out my car.

Jonathan must have put a hex on Simon SWF tie, because in the car Simon says he feels like it’s choking him and decides to take it off.  We don’t dwell on that for long though because it’s at that very moment that Jonathan’s phone rings, and it’s Kelly Osbourne on the phone.  Oh goody, I love Kelly.

She immediately tells him she needs a favor and he’s NOT going to be a dick about it.  Bwahahaha! See?  She is AWESOME!  He’s not committing until he knows what the favor is.  Basically, a charity for homeless teens has asked for her help, and so she wants Jonathan to help her throw a party benefiting that charity.  And then she tells him not only is he helping her throw this party, he’s going to do it for free.  Jonathan is thrilled.

He tells us he would never really take on charity work; he doesn’t have enough time in his day to do charity work and stay in the lifestyle he has.  Kelly is not taking no for an answer though as she tells him she really needs his help with this, AND she needs him to not be a bitch about it.  Ultimately he agrees to do it, but the puss on his face tells us all he’s not real happy about it.

When the guys get to the office, Jonathan tells the girls about Kelly’s request for pro bono party planning.  He says he was like pro who?

Don’t look at me!

Summer is gushing right now because, ohmygodsheLOVESKellyOsbourne!  She wonders if Kelly would leave a message on her phone so when all her friends from Fresno call, they’d get Kelly’s voice.  On Summer’s phone!  Oh Lord.  Even Erika knows this is not a good idea, and that girl got her lips filled with saline last week.

Since she’s SUCH a Kelly fan, Simon assigns her the task of preparing a brief on Kelly: what she’s working on, what they can pitch to the media, what she’s comfortable talking about, and what she’s not.  Jonathan reiterates that last one, saying that with celebs it’s always important to go through their personal publicists to make sure you’re not crossing a line.

With that, Jonathan and Simon head out, with Jonathan telling them he wants a list of everything when he returns.  But don’t forget, they’re doing this for free, so he doesn’t care if they take empty water bottles and fill them up with water from the sink.  That’s lovely.

There are some moldy empties at my house!

As soon as Jonathan and Simon are out the door, Lauren turns to Summer and asks if she’s ever actually met a celebrity.  She wonders if Summer is actually an intern there.  Summer’s not sure what she’s getting at, so Lauren does her impression of Summer.  Summer is not amused.  Lauren points out that it’s unprofessional for her to behave that way, and as much as I hate to agree with her, she IS actually right in this instance.

Summer mumbles something about asking Kelly to leave her a voice mail, and it’s clear that she sees nothing wrong with her request.  Lauren says she’s just telling her, she can’t do that.  Summer responds in a very professional manner: she leaves the office crying.

I just want a voice mail from Kelly!!!  And now, a tissue!

Lauren tells us she’s trying to help her (in the bitchiest way possible); not everyone is going to hold your hand, you know!  Yes, Lauren, we know.  She’d hate to see Summer blow it by being starstruck.  Yes Lauren, she should be like you instead and just blow the stars, right?

Yikes!  Cover those bunny teeth!

Can we just stop here for a minute to discuss Summer’s outfit?  I can’t believe after all the grief he gave Erika last week, that this outfit passed muster.  It doesn’t seem to be the sort of outfit that Jonathan would approve of.  Maybe they decided not to subject us to this week’s clothing tirade.  Or maybe he’s still in shock over agreeing to do something for free.

Mother Hen Katie follows Summer outside where she tells Katie that she hates Lauren.  Wah, wah, wah!  Suck it up, Buttercup!  I hate plenty of people I work with, but I don’t run out of the office crying every time one of them says something I don’t like.  I simply replace their coffee sweetener with rat poison and hijinks ensue!

It looks just like Skinny and Sweet, except for the skull and crossbones on the label!

Katie tells her not to let Lauren make her feel bad, and Summer thinks she’s one of those people that tries to make other people feel bad in order to feel good about herself.  She can feel her getting under her skin, and she doesn’t like that.  Well, who does?  We don’t see what happens when Summer goes back inside, but I’m sure it involves a lot of silent treatment and dirty looks.

Later that night, we rejoin the odd couple at Jonathan’s condo where Jonathan is looking for his charger and Simon is going into the bathroom while carrying a candle.  Either he’s planning on some romance with himself, or he’s about to take a dump.  If only we knew the scent; that would tell us SO much.

Excuse me.  I’m off to inhale the scent of walnuts while fondling myself.

Jonathan’s yelling from the couch, asking Simon if he’s seen the pictures of Kelly and her mom, but Simon’s otherwise occupied and does not respond.  Jonathan is not deterred; he needs an answer, dammit!  So he gets up and opens the bathroom door!  Who does that?!?

Honestly, I don’t know whether to be more flabbergasted that Jonathan would just walk into the bathroom, or that Simon DIDN’T LOCK THE DOOR!!  Dude, even I can tell you have no expectation of privacy when living with Jonathan.  You know he probably sneaks into Simon’s room to spoon him when he has a nightmare.

It’s terrifying!

Once Simon finishes up, he emerges from the unlocked bathroom to lecture Jonathan about not walking in on people in the bathroom.  Dude, I maintain that you should lock the fucking door.  But Jonathan’s moved on from the bathroom; he wants to know what Simon did with his pizza.  He threw it out.  Jonathan doesn’t know why he would do something like that.  Simon doesn’t know, why would Jonathan come visit him the bathroom?

Poor Jonathan, now he’s going to go to bed hungry.  Again!  Shit, if he’s that hungry why doesn’t he either cook something or order himself another pizza?  What a fucking whiner.  Simon tells hims not to worry, he still has a nice big fat belly to keep him warm at night!  Hahahaha!

I can’t eat my fucking belly, dude.

The next day, Jonathan and Simon go to meet Kelly for lunch.  Jonathan reminds us that he doesn’t DO charity.  Kelly arrives and tells Jonathan she loves his haircut.  I guess she must be using drugs again.  She tries to educate Jonathan a little bit over lunch, telling him that there are over four thousand homeless kids in Hollywood.  Just Hollywood, not L.A.

There are only two places for these kids to go: Covenant House and Laura San Giacomo’s interview room My Friend’s Place.  So she thinks they should help them, and he’s going to help her; he doesn’t have a choice.  Okay, he says, they’re going to bring awareness, but they’ll need to make homeless people hot.  Call Tyra, Jonathan!  She did that whole homeless photo shoot a couple of years ago; those bums were FIERCE!

Tyra really understands the plight of the homeless, doesn’t she?

Kelly is horrified at Jonathan’s suggestion, and tells him it’s not about making homeless people look hot.  He’s not done, though.  His next suggestion is that instead of using a red carpet, they should use cardboard boxes.  She tells him he is going to hell.  I must be too, because I actually liked that idea.

Back at the office, the girls are waiting for Lauren to return from running out to get them all lunch.  Summer is convinced that her order will be messed up.  This leads into Summer telling us that she has the worst anxiety, and it stems from being an over achiever and perfectionist.  If someone doesn’t follow the rules she has these instant freakouts which lead into asthma attacks, which lead to a massive disaster.  So, she’s pretty much the party pooper.

Oh, no!  I never poop!

It actually seems like Lauren got Summer’s lunch order right, but she then gets all crazy and decides to open up a bottle of wine for them to enjoy with their lunches!  Summer does not approve of drinking in the middle of the day.  Lauren clarifies that they’re not drinking, they’re having a glass of wine.  Which is, in fact, drinking.

Summer tells her that they are there to do a job, not have a happy hour.  God, how I wish I could have a liquid lunch!  Remember the days when it was perfectly acceptable to have a couple of drinks at lunch?  Sigh.  Those were also the days when it was okay for bosses to grab their secretaries’ asses.  Which is pretty much why everyone drank at lunch: courage or coping.

Lauren says she can have a glass of wine and do her job, can Summer?  Meanwhile, Katie tells us she feels protective of Summer, but she thinks the best course of action is to let her learn her own lessons.

Translation:  I want a fucking glass of wine with my lunch!

Lauren wants to know if Summer thinks she’s breaking the rules by having her wine in the office, and Summer’s like, DUH.  She asks if Lauren would have sex in the office.

DUH!

Of course she would!  How do think Jonathan keeps so many of his clients?  She elaborates, saying she would have it right on Summer’s desk.  Which is actually all the girls’ desk since they share a giant table.  I sure hope they have an ample supply of Windex!

Back at Jonathan’s lair, Simon informs him that Katie’s coming over for a movie night.  Jonathan’s not happy, and he gets even MORE unhappy when Katie shows up with her dog, Edie.  Edie’s running around the apartment, and Jonathan’s rolling his eyes all over the place, and it’s really hard to figure out which of them is the bigger bitch.

I kid, of course it’s Jonathan!

He says no offense, but even though he’s friends with her, he doesn’t need his employees at his condo.  No offense Jonathan, but I think you’re a douche.  He heads on over to his room to get away from them, and then, a beautiful thing happens.

No, the shit’s not beautiful.  The fact that Jonathan stepped in it, IS.

Mwahahahahahahaha! That is fucking hilarious!  And couldn’t have happened to a better person.  Simon is on the same page as me, and basically says karma is a bitch!  Guess what else?  Jonathan acts like a giant puss about it!  I know!  I was shocked as well.

We take a break for some commercials, and when we return, it’s time for this week’s guest appearance by Kim K.  Simon has invited her to lunch as part of his contractual obligation to ask her advice on dealing with Jonathan.

Looks like he caught her in the midst of a prison break!

Mmmmm……Michael Scofield…….wait, where was I?  Oh, right.  Kim.  Can’t we just talk about the hotness of Wentworth Miller instead?  Think for a minute about how hot you have to be to overcome a name like Wentworth.

Okay, okay……back to Kim and Simon.  He tells her he loves working with Jonathan, but working with him AND living with him is a lot.  He feels like he needs some time for him.  Kim doesn’t understand why he doesn’t just move out.  He thinks that their synergy might suffer if he got his own place.  Oh, puh-lease.  I like you Simon, I do, but give me a fucking break. Well then, he just needs to set some boundaries, she tells him.  He’s afraid Jonathan will turn on him; he wishes he could do it on e-mail or twitter.

Having borrowed Kim’s balls for a couple of hours, Simon heads into the office, ready to discuss his need for Jonathan to give him some space.  Yeah, I’m sure it will work out just as wonderfully in person as it did when he role played it with Kim.

Before he chickens out, he invites Jonathan to go for a walk with him.  Off they head, into the sunny afternoon.  Simon pussyfoots around for a little while before telling Jonathan they need to set some boundaries.  Jonathan responds by throwing his soda at Simon and stomping off.

I knew I should have twittered him.

Later, Lauren and Summer are out on a coffee run, and Lauren decides to fuck with Summer a little bit.  She’s driving a little crazy, hoping to get a rise out of Summer, and decides to break the rules of speed humps, so of course…..

THIS happens!

Lauren says she’s really sorry while laughing her ass off right in Summer’s face.  Summer totally believes her.  She goes running into the office, crying and carrying on about how Lauren did it on purpose, and she works herself up into such a state that she needs to use her inhaler.

I think she might be allergic to spilled coffee.

On the way to the homeless party, Jonathan is being all passive aggressively pissy, asking Simon to get him a mint out of the glove box, if that doesn’t intrude on his boundaries.  He really is a big baby.  Simon’s ready to talk about it, but Jonathan just wants to get through the event; Simon can write him a thesis on boundaries later.  Well, you’re the one that brought it up, Little Miss PissyPants.

They get to the party, and Simon delegates duties to the girls before heading inside.  Kim makes yet another appearance, this time with her mom in tow, and of course Kelly is here as well.  We see a brief shot of Kelly giving her speech, and then, it’s a wrap on the party.  Maybe if he was getting paid, Jonathan would have spent more time showing us the party.  Suck it, homeless shelter!

Jonathan says it felt really good to do some charity stuff, and it looks good for his image.  Uh, not when you bitch about how you’re not getting paid the entire time!  Don’t worry though, he’s not planning to make a habit of it.  Charity work, that is; I’m sure he’ll go right on bitching loudly and often.

The next day, Jonathan tells Simon he is a changed person, and he’s willing to compromise with him on some things.  What Jonathan would like is for Simon not to throw his food away.  No matter how moldy it gets.

Just think of the greenish tinge as seasoning, okay?

The thing Simon wants more than anything else is for Jonathan not to walk in on him in the bathroom anymore.  Jonathan says sorry, and Simon is floored because he never says that.  Write it down, Simon.

We end this episode back in the office with everyone looking at pictures from the event, and patting themselves on the back.  Lauren scootches over to Summer’s side of the desk, and Summer tells her she is invading her personal space.  Jonathan tells them to kiss and make up.  They do, while trash talking each other to us.

I still hate that slutty bitch!

What did you think of this week’s episode, Gasmi?  Do you think Jonathan’s as whiny a puss as I do?  Does anyone else wish they’d show some actual PR work on this stupid show?  And how do you think Kim will work in her next guest appearance?

Next week, they’re going to make someone who is related to a serial killer famous.  Also, snappy twins.  Or snatchy, if you prefer.  Looks like Jonathan meets his match!  Until then….

SWAK, PottyMouth