The Spin Crowd: Meet The Twatsey Twins

This week, The Spin Crowd is all about making some random chick famous.

Have her make a sex tape.  Duh.

Jonathan, you might want to think about hiring Kim.  After all, it worked for her.

We start out this week in the office where Jonathan is showing off the paperweight he just bought.  Oh, did I mention it cost $30,000?  You heard me right; thirty thousand fucking dollars for a paperweight.

How about a raise so I can get my own apartment, jackass?

The paperweight is an hourglass with diamonds in it instead of sand.  And no, I am not joking.  Simon thinks it’s ridiculous to spend thirty rand on a paperweight, but Jonathan is thinking his desk looks too much like everyone else’s, and so he needs something to spruce it up.  Wait!  I found something perfect for him!

And it’s only $13.99!

Simon thinks the liability of having something like that in the office is outrageous, but Jonathan is not to be deterred; he says everyone will just have to take turns babysitting it.  Simon is having none of that, but Lauren is happy to volunteer to diamondsitting duties.  And then Jonathan tells Lauren she’s dripping.

Diamonds do it to me every time!

EWWWWWW.  Oh, he didn’t mean it like that; he meant her coffee was dripping.  What is most disturbing about this exchange is that she did not think he meant her coffee was dripping.  I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Ditto.

After the opening credits, we join Jonathan and Simon in the car.  They’re heading out to meet with a prospective client, Alki, who is a billionaire that will do anything he can to make his girlfriend famous.  This is not the sort of job Jonathan normally does, so he’s not real thrilled.

Bitch, someone’s gotta pay for that diamond paperweight.

They arrive at Alki’s mansion and are greeted by his dogs, Bentley and Satan.  Uh, Satan?  Yeah, I’m guessing Alki is a weirdo, or “eccentric” as they say in the PR biz.  Also?  His dogs have horn covers for their ears.

WTF?

Alki (or Lush as he’s called by his friends) assures the guys that the dogs don’t bite.  I think the guys should be more worried about Lush and his girlfriend given the fact that they’ve installed horns on their dogs.  The rest of the house is eclectically decorated with mannequin parts, strange looking statues, and a silver life sized horse.

Simon admires Jennifer’s (aka Lush’s girlfriend) ring, and Lush says it’s been pried out of the cold rigor mortis laden dead hand of a miner.  What you can’t see is the giant boner he gets while talking about this.

He likes me to “play dead” when we’re fucking.

Yeah, fake necrophilia’s not all it’s cracked up to be.  Not that I would know or anything.  But let’s get down to business, mmkay?  Lush tells the boys that Jennifer’s developed a fabulous line of swimwear.  Yes, I’m sure she’s developed quite the take on two triangles connected with string.

Revolutionary!

They’re looking for a spokesperson, but not really since Lush thinks the best person for that is Jennifer herself.  The only problem is that no one has ever heard of Jennifer, so when she spokes, no one listens.  Rather than hire an actual famous person to be the spokesmodel, Lush has decided the best way to go is to make Jennifer famous.  Makes perfect sense to me!

Simon buttkisses that Jennifer is Sooooooo beautiful, and Lush tells them that she’s got more than beauty going for her; she’s also related to one of America’s most notorious serial killers.

For me, that sealed the deal.

Lush thinks that would be a wonderful angle to go on, and Simon looks like he’s about to soil his panties.  He doesn’t think they want to use that tidbit as part of the famemongering campaign.  Just then, the doorbell rings and Lush tells them he’s already got a couple of people working on the brand.  Jonathan is extremely excited at the prospect of working with another PR firm.

While Jonathan sucks on a few lemons, Lush answers the door and brings in Nikki and Susie, owners of Duet PR.  Oh, how clever are they?

Hi, I’m Twat, She’s C.

Turns out they’re not very clever at all.  In case you’re wondering where you may have seen them before, it might have been in the movie Bruno.  Yes, they are the geniuses who told him to get involved with Darfur but didn’t know where it was.

So they’ve been brought in to do PR for the swimwear, Jonathan and company will be handling the Make Jennifer Famous project.  Jonathan asks the girls how long they’ve been doing PR.  Seven years.  Simon thinks that’s great, and says they’ll work in conjunction to make sure they don’t step on each other.

Get it?  Got it?  Good.

But the twins are not going to just sit idly by, Twat wants to know who Jonathan has made famous, because she knows they’re not Kim’s publicists.  Yeah, no, Jonathan says they’re right; they don’t normally do people but this is a special circumstance.  I’m guessing the special circumstance is the ginormous fee that Lush is going to be paying them.

Twat points out that Jonathan is more green in that area, and C pipes up saying they actually represent talent, they’re not just friends with the talent.  Holy shit!  They’re coming out guns blazing, huh?  Jonathan is nonplussed by their bragging, and wants to know who they work with.  Shakira…….Beyonce…….funny enough, he’s friends with Shakira, so he’s going to call her and asks what she thinks of them.

Shhkra!  grrl, u r with twatcs?  u r ded 2 me.  lmao jk, nt rlly.  h8 them hos.  c u l8r.

They’re not intimidated by Jonathan’s though, and C gets in a couple more digs, saying he reminds her of Mickey Rourke and asking if he gets his hair cut in a pet shop.  Lush’s buzz must be wearing off because he says he’s getting a headache here, so Jonathan helpfully suggests that the twins give him a massage.  And then he walks out of the meeting.  Hahahahaha!

C wonders if he always does that, but Simon deftly covers by saying he just left to use the men’s room.  Simon joins Jonathan in the hall to try and get him to go back into the meeting, and Jonathan proceeds to make fun of the Twatsey’s voices.  Normally I’d give him shit for it, but their voices ARE ridiculous so I’m gonna let him go for it.

He tells Simon that they are tripling their fee; he wants a hundred grand for this.  Simon tells him not to worry, he’s going to handle everything.  Don’t even think about them.

Well, that’s going to be hard to do once Lush informs them that the girls will be moving into their offices to work on this.  Jonathan no likey.

Speaking of the office, let’s go check in on the girls, shall we?  As we head back over, we hear, “Would you have sex in here?”  Ah, another day, another call to the lawyers.  Erika doesn’t kiss and tell, and Katie’s all grins as Summer wants to know if she’d really bring someone into the office and have sex with them.  You’ll never guess what Lauren’s stance no that is.

Been there, done that.

Don’t get the wrong idea though; she wouldn’t bring just a random in there.  I’m glad she cleared that up.  I know for me, I’d much rather sit on crusty sperm from a guy she’s on her second date with instead of the random she said hello to in the elevator.  Thank god the girl’s got some standards.

The guys come back from their meeting and Simon is gushing about their meeting.  He says he wants this girl to be like Stella McCartney; everyone will know who she is.  Jonathan helpfully points out that everyone knows who Stella McCartney is because her dad is PAUL McCartney.  He tells us this is not going to be easy given the fact that Jennifer doesn’t do anything other than design bathing suits and suck Lush’s cock.

The next day it’s lovefest in the office with everyone loving what everyone else is wearing.

Well…….

Simon wants to know how they’re doing on events for Jennifer; Katie e-mailed him a list.  Fabulous!  But the whole day can’t be this wonderful, can it?  Nope, here come the Twatseys to fuck up everyone’s good moods.

Mission Accomplished

Their voices are so fucking annoying; they’ve got the valley girl thing going, but they’re also nasally beyond belief.  My guess is someone’s been using their spoons for snorting instead of gagging.  Anycooze, they valley at Jonathan that his office was SO hard to find because the sign is just so small.

Simon explains to the office gals that the Twatseys rep the bathing suit line, while they all rep Jennifer, and Lush wants them all to work together.  Simon and the girls start brainstorming about people to get Jennifer in with, throwing out names like Brooke Burke, Stacy Keibler, and Heidi Montag.  Simon like Stacy, someone make that happen.

Twat or C pipe up to say that you can’t just have her show up at some red carpet events and think that will make her famous.  No one will know who she is or even care for that matter.  It just totally doesn’t work that way.  Fer sure.

Katie calls them out, asking what THEY would do then since they seem to be experts.  That’s not their job, they twat at her.  They’re not telling them what’s going to make her famous, just twat’s NOT going to work, k?

I don’t appreciate your twattitude young lady!

Oh snap!  Lauren tells them they need to get the fuck out.  Hee!  Lauren says if they want to play the outbitch game, they picked the wrong one.  Ooo,ooo,ooo! I wanna play!  Please?

Jonathan is losing his shit, yelling that they’re annoying him, while C thinks his entire firm needs to go to group therapy.  He starts screaming at them to get the fuck out, and I think he might actually be foaming at the mouth.  He throws their shit outside while Simon looks on, mortified.

Oh, fuckmymother.  Here we go again.

Interestingly (or no), it’s just then that Lush drunk dials Jonathan at the office to see how it’s going.  Greeeeaaaat.  Lush asks if the girls are there yet, and Jonathan replies, “I mean if you want to call them that, yes they are.”  Bwahahahahaa! I can almost taste his hatred for them.

Lush wants to know if he’s having any problems.  Why, yes, now that you’ve mentioned it.  Well, tough titties, he’s paying you a lot of money so suck it up and make his love doll famous!

Simon has called Stacy and arranged for her to meet with Jennifer in a spot where there is sure to be plenty of paparazzi.  Over lunch, Jennifer tells Stacy how awesome her body is and that she loves her butt.

Oh stop!  Okay, don’t stop.

Simon makes sure to call Jonathan and tell him how well it’s going and about all the photographers that are there snapping away.  Simon thinks the pictures will be global.  But will Jennifer be in them?

Well, it’s either her or Cousin It’s hot sister, who can tell?

Simon is not amused at Jonathan’s amusement at the situation.

Let’s check back in with the Twatsey twins.  They’ve turned Jonathan’s office into a three ring circus while doing a casting call for models.  The office girls are answering calls for them, and Lauren does not appreciate being bossed around by them.  When Jonathan arrives and finds out what’s been going on, he is pissed.

C comes out of the conference room looking for a camera to borrow and Jonathan has had enough.  Again.  He asks that they give the models the address of THEIR office, but C tells him it’s okay, they’re almost done.  If Simon doesn’t get them out, he’s going to throw them the fuck out.  Yay!

They start sniping at each other, Jonathan telling them to put their muzzles on, Twat C going back to the old standby of you have a dog’s haircut.

You are SO grody.

Simon is trying to be the voice of reason while Jonathan barks in their general direction.  This is the most I’ve enjoyed this show so far, I have to admit.

Later that evening, the office girls got out for drinks and bonding over how much they hate the Twatseys.  You know those girls are evil if they can bring Lauren and Summer together.

Death to the Twatseys!

Meanwhile back at Jonathan’s condo, Simon is realizing he needs Jonathan’s help to make this happen.  He swallows his pride and asks Jonathan to help him out, after making him repeat it three times, Jonathan agrees.  He calls Sophie Monk to ask her for a favor; will she walk Jennifer down the red carpet?

At the event, Simon preps the photographers and journalists on the red carpet, telling them to watch for Jennifer and repeating her name like a mantra.  Maybe he can hypnotize them into thinking she’s famous.

You are getting very sleepy……but are awake enough to take her picture!

Sophie arrives and Jonathan tells her she cannot under any circumstances let go of Jennifer’s hand because the photographers will crop her ass out of there if she does.  They walk the carpet, and true to her word Sophie does not let go.  Success!  They hang out drinking and getting their pictures taken, and a good time is had by all.

The next day the guys head over to Lush’s mansion to show them the pictures.  The twats are there also working on the swimwear photo shoot, and get to listen in as Lush tells Jonathan and Simon that they did a great job and Jennifer gushes about what a great time she had.

We end the show with Jonathan pretending he is going to hit the Twatseys’ car.  Like, ohmygod!  I can’t believe he did that!

So Gamsi, what did you think of this episode?  Did you think the twins earned their nickname?  What the fuck is going on with their voices?  Did anyone start to feel sorry for Jonathan that he had to deal with them, or do you think that’s karma biting him in the ass?

Next week…..

Yikes!  This should be interesting.  And by “should be” I mean – I hope to hell it is.    And I hope the hell to see you there.

SWAK, PottyMouth