The Spin Crowd: Operation White Meat

This week The Spin Crowd takes a trip out to the Hamptons, Jonathan tries to be human, and Summer wants to try a new man flavor.

We start this episode with Simon and Jonathan talking about how excited they are to be going to the Hamptons, and Jonathan complaining that he has to wait for the girls.  How dare they not be ready to go the second that he is!  Simon tells him to relax, there’s a reason the girls hate him.

They better not hate me.  I’ll fire them if they hate me!

Simon concedes that they don’t actually hate him, they’re just really uncomfortable around him.  Jonathan wants to know why.  “Because you’re a monster, and you’re always snippy with them and you never say anything nice….”

Look, I’m sugarcoating it a little, but honestly?  You’re a dick.

Duh.  I’m supposed to be a dick; I’m their boss.

Simon tells him he needs to be more relatable; he needs to come down from his high horse.

But the view is so great from up here!

Simon says this weekend is the perfect time for Jonathan to get to know the girls.  Take some time to laugh with them, let them see a different side of him.  He’s gonna do it; the Hamptons are his playground, so he’s going to bring them into his world.  He’s gonna show them the real Jonathan and they’re going to have a fun time with him.

Behold! The face of fun!

So he starts out the good times by telling the girls that they won’t be going to the Hamptons after all; just Simon and he are going.  The girls are heading back to L.A.  Fun!  Lauren wants to know if he’s serious, while the other girls make sad puppy dog faces.  He tells them he’s dead serious, and Lauren flips out.

Well, at least I’m enjoying myself because the girls certainly aren’t.  Lauren continues to yell in the lobby while Jonathan tries to shush her and tell her to calm down.  He doesn’t understand what the big deal is.  She starts to go off even more about all the work they did, how they did his housewarming party for him, and then he clues them in that he’s just kidding, they’re going after all!  Psych!  And….fun! Right?

That was SOOOOO much fun; I wish he’d do it all the time!

Lauren tells us that’s just not right; you don’t do that to people.  She tells Jonathan he better watch his back.  He is not scurred, not scurred one bit.  Yeah, see that’s the fun of being the boss; you know there’s only so much they can do to you.

In the girl’s car everyone is excited about the trip.  Summer’s excited because she’s never been to the Hamptons before, and Lauren wants someone to get some booty for her.  I guess she’s not up to date on her shots or something.  Katie asks Summer if she would ever date a white guy considering that she is half, so why not give them a chance?  Yeah, maybe she says.

Summer tells us she is attracted to athletes, and the majority of them are black so she dates black guys.  Katie says if there was ever a place to find a cute white guy, it’s the Hamptons.  But are they good athletes?

Over in Jonathan and Simon’s car there is a more serious discussion going on: Simon needs water, gummy worms and a pee break.  Too bad, because Jonathan not stopping for any of that.

Back to the girl’s car:  Lauren is asking Summer about having sex on a baseball diamond.  And yes, “slide into home” is a phrase that’s used.  I find this part of their conversation interesting since just a few episodes ago Summer was disgusted by the thought that Lauren might have sex in the office.  Pot meet kettle.

I don’t think Coco Puff would approve of me spending all this time with these dirty whores.

Back in the guy’s car, Simon still has to pee.  In fact, now he REALLY has to go.  I know that feeling.  You think you don’t have to go that bad until someone tells you that you can’t, then all of a sudden you’re seconds away from wetting your pants.

We are going to be knee deep in pee if you don’t pull over!

Jonathan doesn’t care that Simon’s seconds away from peeing his pants; he is not pulling over.  He tells Jonathan he’s going to pee in a cup if he doesn’t pull over in five milliseconds.  Jonathan doesn’t believe him and still won’t pull over, so Simon does what any guy seconds away from wetting himself would do: he pees in the cup.

The advantage of having a penis

I’m always jealous (and grossed out at the same time) that guys can do that.  Jonathan hopes Simon drinks that pee later by accident.  Maybe he’ll use a twizzler straw to add some fun.

They arrive at the Hamptons and we see where they’ll be staying.

The girls are suitably impressed, which they show by going skinny dipping in the ocean.  Inside Simon says how happy the girls are to be here, and he’s happy to be here too.  Jonathan thinks he should be, after all has he ever been in a forty-five million dollar home before?  Uh, yeah.

Are you trying to joke with me?

Having established that there was glamor in Simon’s life before he met Jonathan, they head outside and see the girls frolicking in the ocean.  Naked.  I was going to post a picture of the naked frolicking here but they’ve blurred them out so much that the girls just look like blurry blobs.  Anyway, because Jonathan is all about the fun, he steals the girls’ clothes.

Teeheehee! Just call me Mr. Fun!

As Simon rushes to get them some towels, Summer’s yelling that her hair fell out.  Oh, not her real hair; her weave.  I guess weave’s and the ocean are not two things that go great together, so chunks of her weave have fallen out onto the sand.

Gross

She doesn’t even pick it, just leaves it there for some fish or bird to choke on.

Honey, we wish more girls with weaves would swim!

Later, the girls are unpacking and talking about how much fun they’re going to have.  Lauren wants to know if it’s true that Summer has only ever been with black guys.  Yup.  Summer tells us that her mom is Portuguese and her dad is African American, and yes, she is attracted to white guys and what not, but only to a certain extent.  At the end of the day she would die to live in Atlanta and be totally ghetto.

Did that bitch just call me ghetto?!?!?!?!?

That’s a compliment, Duuuuh!

She tells Lauren there’s just something about white guys that doesn’t seem right.  Katie feels like this weekend they should just go out, and if anyone catches Summer’s eye she should just try it.  Summer tells us she hasn’t been in a relationship for like two years (wonder why) and that maybe it IS time to try something new.

Okay, she tells the girls, but he must be 6’2″ and he must be hung.  Lauren wants to know how she’s supposed to find out if the guys are hung; run around the club grabbing packages?

I don’t care how you do it, but there will be no teeny weenies in this vagina!

The gang heads out for lunch, and the awkward matchmaking begins.  I never let friends set me up , and this is one of the reasons why.  For some reason even the sanest people become idiots when they’re trying to find a guy (or gal) for a friend.  They shout out to random people, generally behave like morons, and make you wish you didn’t know them.  This group is no exception to that statement.  They holler out at random guys walking by as Summer sits and giggles uncomfortably.

Hey, you wanna bone our friend/co-worker?

They even accost their waiter until he pretends he’s in the Hamptons because of his girlfriend.  Ahhhh, the fake girlfriend/boyfriend excuse.  It works every time.  Until you’re caught at a club later macking on the dude’s friend.  Or so I’ve heard.

Look, even the commercials want Summer to try some white bread.

When we come back from the commercials it’s the next day and Summer’s weave has found a new home.

The gang lounges around talking about how gorgeous it is and Jonathan lets them all know how much the land is worth.  Ugh.  He so obsessed with how much everything is worth or costs.  He tells us their world and his are miles apart but he’s opening up and letting them into his world.  He’s kind of digging it.

Kelly Rowland stops by for a visit, and Jonathan introduces her to the girls.  Summer is so excited to meet her because she’s always been a big fan, ever since she was a little girl.

I think you’re bootylicious Kelly!

They sit around making small talk and Kelly talks about all the places she’s traveling to over the next few days.  She talks about doing a show in Egypt, and Simon says the men there are SO good looking.  But what about here in the Hamptons, Kelly wants to know.

They use that totally coincidental opportunity to tell Kelly about how they’re searching for a guy for Summer because she’s only ever dated brothers.  She says she doesn’t count the white boys out, it’s worth a try; like going into Bloomingdale’s and trying on something that’s really cute.

Hmmm…..she has a point.  Well, except for the fact that trying on something cute at Bloomingdale’s won’t possibly give you herpes.  Or, you know, a baby.

But it was so cute!  It didn’t look like it had syphilis!

The girls (plus Kelly) take a stroll down the beach, and it turns out that Kelly is actually a pretty good matchmaker.  They see a cute (arguable) guy and Kelly smooth talks him, compliments his shoes, introduces him to Summer AND invites him to her party/appearance that evening all without any awkward embarrassment.  Wow, I think I want Kelly to be my wingman!

After filling Jonathan and Simon in on her matchmaking prowess, Jonathan says he wants to show Kelly the rest of the house.  Once inside he recruits her for his latest practical joke.  He wants her to try on Lauren’s sunglasses, then excuse herself to go inside, and leave.  Lauren will think Kelly stole her sunglasses, but Jonathan will really have them  HILARIOUS!  Or not.

Get it?  Get it?  She’ll totally think you have them!  It’s SOOOOOOO funny!  I’m so fun.

Kelly plays her part, getting the glasses and then sneaking them back to Jonathan before taking off without saying goodbye.  Lauren’s pissed, but trying to hide it, and Jonathan, of course he thinks it’s the funniest thing ever.  Lauren tells us she’s sick of this; she’s gonna get him back.

With Simon’s help they come up with a master plan: hide Jonathan’s blackberry.  They put their plan into motion immediately, with Lauren stealing/hiding the blackberry and then Simon talking about all these e-mails and texts coming in from Kim.  Does it shock anyone to find out that Jonathan doesn’t think this prank is funny at all?

It’s only funny when I’m pranking someone!

He’s get so annoyed that he’s waving a cheese topped knife around and even trying to bust open the door to the girls’ bedroom.  He throws his sandwich at Summer which sets off the girls (and Simon) throwing fruit at him, then Erika pours a bucket of water over him.  Honestly, I’m shocked that they all didn’t end up fired because it’s fairly obvious that Jonathan is PISSED.

It’s all fun and games until someone takes a banana to the jaw.

They call a truce and Jonathan retires to his room.  Probably to rub his blackberry all over himself.

Later that night we join them at Axe Lounge for Kelly’s party.  They all have a good laugh over how Lauren thought Kelly stole her sunglasses, and Kelly asks if there’s going to be any pranking tonight.  No, Summer has to be serious for her date; maybe they’ll be some spanking later, but definitely no pranking.

They dance around (whitely) waiting for Summer’s date to show up as Jonathan steadily gets drunk.  Simon tries to cut him off, but Jonathan is not having it.

Can’t you see I’m having fun?

Ryan (white dude from the beach) arrives and Summer is so excited because he’s so stinking cute.  You know, I bet guys love being called cute as much as girls do.  Personally, I think Ryan is a little dorky looking, but to each his own.  They make some small talk and then proceed to swallow each other’s faces in the middle of the club.

Get a fucking room!

Wow, that’s so tacky.  Not only is she making out with him in the middle of the club, but in front of her boss and everyone she works with.  Again, this is the girl that looked down her nose at Lauren about office sex.  I can’t stand hypocrites.

She tells Jonathan that she wants to take this guy home.  Yeah, I’m sure your boss appreciates the heads up that you’re taking this guy back to the forty five million dollar estate to bone him.  You’ll definitely be getting that raise!

They make out with her sitting on the kitchen counter for a while and then head back to the bedroom.  Thankfully she remembers to close the door. The next morning the gang is sitting outside eating breakfast and Summer brings Ryan out because the producers made her to say hello.

Awkward!

After she walks him out, Summer rejoins everyone out back.  Simon wants to know what happened, and Katie says not to leave a detail out.  She says they had a great time, and of course they hooked up and everything, but it just wasn’t the same.

Translation: He had a teeny weenie

Erika says, well of course it’s not going to be the same.  Summer tells them once you black you can never go back.  Simon wants to know if it was the equipment, but Jonathan stops her before she can answer the question.  She says she’s going to be looking for a black guy at the airport.  Classy!

And there you go, Gasmi.  What did you think about Summer’s quest for white meat?  Have any of you sampled both white and dark meat?  And if so, did you go back after going black?  I myself have sampled both, and I wouldn’t say I would never go back.  I have gone back.  And forth.  And back again.  But then I’ve been fortunate enough to not have had many teeny weenies in my bed, which could be the difference.  Ah, memories.

Okay!  I have to go take a cold shower now after all that reminiscing!  Next week, Jonathan dates a girl, Carmen Electra spanks a guy, and Summer makes Lauren cry.  See you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth