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Yes, yes, I know this week’s title is not terribly clever or original, but once it was in my head I couldn’t get it out, so we’re going with it, okay? This week the gang lands in New York City for Kim’s gorilla party. Simon is focused on the party; Jonathan is focused on himself.
After the obligatory Times Square at Night shots, Jonathan tells us he’s very bi-coastal, and lives on a plane. He’s constantly going from New York to L.A. and back again; aren’t you jealous about how FAB he is? Me either.
He can’t wait for everyone to come hang in his apartment which he’s going to be seeing for the first time. He tells us it’s been under construction for like, forever. So he’s excited to see it, and excited (sort of) for his mom to see it.
Is anyone the least bit surprised that Jonathan is a momma’s boy?
He tells us his mom has very high standards, so he’s really hoping she’ll like his new digs. I’m personally hoping she hates it and reduces him to a blubbering mess before the end of the show. Simon cuts into the apartment blabbing, telling Jonathan they have more important things to focus on, like the event.
Simon is super excited about the event which will be held in Times Square at Dave & Buster’s. Because nothing says save the gorilla babies like a few rounds of skeeball and a brew.
My mommy doesn’t like skeeball.
Simon tells the gang that one the plane he was brainstorming a really fun fabulous photo op: he’s dying for a baby gorilla to walk the red carpet. LOLOLOLOL! The best thing is that Simon can’t even see just how wrong that is. I hope he does it. I will laugh my ass off!
Isn’t that past my bedtime?
They arrive at their hotel, The Paramount, which is actually a gorgeous hotel that was renovated in 2009. I’d be happy to talk more about how lovely the hotel is if they want to comp me a room or something. Anyway, Simon tells them they’re going to have a breakfast pow wow in the morning, so rest up!
In the morning the team meets over breakfast, and Simon is still gung ho about his baby gorilla idea. Jonathan can’t believe he’s still talking about the damn gorilla, but Simon will not be deterred and goes to call Beth from the charity: Dian Fosse Gorilla Fund. Oh, this should be good.
Beth, how bout you hook me up with some baby gorillas? I want them on the red carpet getting flashbulbed in their faces. Won’t that be fun?
Oopsie! I thought it could just be like a playdate for a couple of hours. No?
Hahahaha! Poor Simon. I’m sort of bummed that the total humiliation didn’t go down, but it’s Simon we’re talking about here and I like him, so I guess I’m glad he didn’t stick his foot in baby gorilla poo.
He goes back to the table to fill everyone in, and Jonathan says he TOLD him that it was a ridiculous idea. Funny, I don’t remember seeing that at all. But enough about the event they all flew out here to plan, Katie asks Jonathan if he saw his apartment last night. No, but he can’t wait to go. And everyone gets to go see it too. Simon says they can all see it after the big event.
Yeah, that’s totally gonna happen.
In fact, the very next scene is them going to see Jonathan’s apartment. He left in the middle of the construction, so he’s really happy to go see it.
Luuucy! I’m home!
We meet Jonathan’s construction guy, a ginormo Italian guy from Brooklyn. I love Sal right away because when Jonathan asks him why there’s still paper on the floor, he tells Jonathan to get the fuck outta here. Now if only Jonathan would do that.
They walk around admiring the apartment and the view, and Jonathan tests out his remote controlled blinds. Gah. I hate him. Okay, I’m also jealous of his apartment, but that’s not why I hate him.
I call first dibs on apartment sitting!
Don’t let her do it, Jonathan. You know she’ll have sex on every flat surface there is. And yes, I’m including the ceiling in that too. Summer says he needs to have a housewarming party, and Jonathan gobbles that suggestion right up. He’s going to invite his mom, celebs from the charity, mommy, Kim, and Momma. Simon is a big ole housewarming party pooper though, say no way, they are here for the gorillas.
Well, invite them too!
Sal pretends to be a gorilla which sparks an idea in Jonathan’s brain: dress Sal up in a gorilla outfit and put in on the red carpet with Kim. Sal doesn’t seem too fond of the idea, but I’m guessing he’ll come around once it sinks in that he’ll be standing yea close to Kim.
Simon poops out the party once more, saying he does need the girls to actually work. He wants agreement from everyone that they are focusing on the gorilla party, and the housewarming party can wait until their next trip to NYC. Jonathan agrees while giving the girls the raised eyebrow looks that says
I’ve totally got my fingers crossed behind my back.
I think we can all see where this is going to go, can’t we? Simon tells us he wasn’t born yesterday. He knows Jonathan is going to go right ahead and do whatever the hell he wants. He says the minute he tells him not to have it the more inclined he is TO have it. Then isn’t the conversation they just had a little counterproductive?
I say I don’t want him to have it, but I really DO so I can sit around and bitch about it for the rest of the episode.
As Simon and the girls start to walk out, Jonathan grabs Erika and pulls her aside.
I’ve seen that you like really funny looking guys so I was wondering if you’d like to sleep your way to the top?
No, he doesn’t really say that silly gooses! Sex with another person would require Jonathan focusing his attention on someone other than himself. And we all know he doesn’t go that way.
No, he pulls Erika aside to tell her he needs her to get him a bartender and a caterer. He wants her to tell the other girls that they should all work no his party, but they all have to swear not to tell Simon. They high five to seal the bargain.
Outside, Simon is starting to really like the idea of Sal dressed as a gorilla. He sends Lauren and Erika off to a costume shop to find a gorilla costume big enough for Sal. I’m not sure what Katie and Summer will be working on, but Simon and Jonathan are heading over to see Kim and go over details of the event.
They greet her Australian bodyguard at the door, and then giggle and laugh with her about him once inside. I can totally understand Kim’s attraction to the Aussie.
I have a soft spot for Aussie men myself. Sigh.
Kim tries to tell the guys that she was totally not into the bodyguard at first, but she has the hots for him now. I’m not going to go into the whole story here – you can read more about that subject in swellmel’s recap! Holla Swell!
Jonathan says it’s really hot in her room, and is she on some sort of special diet or something that requires no air conditioning? She likes it hot.
It gives her an excuse to traipse around in a bathrobe all day giving Shengo little peeks at her goodies.
Simon is sweating like a pig and blotting like crazy. He shares with Kim that he botoxes his pits. Um, ewwwww? I didn’t know botox stops you from sweating. Not that I need to know one way or the other because that shit is never going into my face. Botulism injections? I’d rather sweat and wrinkle, thanks!
So, on to the gorillas. Simon tells her that the Dian Fossey fund is so excited and appreciative of everything she’s doing. Kim’s so excited! The Dian Fossey Gorilla Fund is SO important to her. What’s the name of the charity again? I forget. Simon tells Kim about his idea of having a baby gorilla on the red carpet.
Are you on crack?
Obviously she’s not onboard with that idea, and Simon quickly tells her about their idea to have Jonathan’s contractor, Sal, dress up in a gorilla costume. She loves the idea. Jonathan tells her she can’t blame him if Sal does something crazy like humping her on the red carpet. Not to worry, she’s used to being humped in front of the cameras!
Jonathan segues into his favorite topic: his apartment. He tells Kim he can’t wait for her to see it. She’s dying to see it. Simon tells her next trip to New York they’re going to do a housewarming. Yes, Jonathan says, next time. Yup, totally next time. Not this time, nosiree bob.
Meanwhile, Lauren and Erika are buying weiners. Lauren congratulates Erika on her first New York wiener and then they take some touristy pictures. Aren’t they supposed to be shopping for a gorilla costume and planning Jonathan’s housewarming party? There’s no time for wieners girls!
You know Lauren’s totally cropping her out of that picture later.
Erika loves the vibe of the city. She’s more used to the chill atmosphere of San Diego. Yeah, I don’t think anyone would claim that New York has a chill vibe going on. After running through the streets holding hands as they go, they finally make it to the costume store.
Careful Erika, Coco Puff might get really turned on when he sees this
Birds love gorillas, don’t they? They buy (or rent) the costume and head back out. Lauren tells me she is loving New York City with Erika. I think she’s happy not to be stuck with Summer and her inhaler. I can only imagine the asthma attacks the city is giving her. And yes, New York is THE city. Not L.A. Not Philly. NEW YORK.
Lauren teaches Erika how to hail a cab, and tells us she’s so proud of how far she’s come. She thinks they could totally tear the city up together. I think Coco Puff would not like that.
They arrive back at the room and Katie takes a turn wearing the gorilla outfit
And molesting Summer
Erika takes this opportunity to tell the girls about the little chat she had with Jonathan vis a vis the housewarming party. She says none of them can tell Simon – especially you Katie. Katie says she’ll have to just not talk to him at all. Yeah, I’m sure he won’t notice at all that you’re completely avoiding him.
She tells us she’s very uncomfortable not being able to tell Simon because they’re best friends. Who want to bet how long it takes her to spill it to him?
I give myself a half hour tops.
It’s noon one the day of the event and Simon is heading over to Dave & Buster’s. He says there are a ton of things to do; the red carpet needs to be set up, the press needs to be called, celebrities confirmed, and so on and so forth. Guess who’s not there to help him? Yep, you guessed it, the girls are AWOL.
They’re over at Paramount Catering Company trying to arrange catering for Jonathan’s party.
Too bad they can’t see Simon’s disappointed dad phone via their voice mail.
He’s calling everyone and no one is answering their phones. What a bunch of crap. He does a walk through at Dave and Buster’s oohing and aahing and talking about how it’s a playground for adults. He’s going over the set up with the GM and getting in some time to play some of the games as well. After the walk through he tries to give Katie a call, and she lasts all of five seconds before telling him that Jonathan pulled all the girls from the event so that they could plan his party. Told ya!
Don’t tell that I told!
Simon is not happy. He’s running around like a crazy man for a JOB while Jonathan is stealing the girls for his personal party. Simon goes up to Jonathan’s room to confront him about this, but is sidetracked by how much nicer Jonathan’s room is than his. Jonathan’s even got cookies. Jonathan says he’ll get him upgraded, but he’s really trying to avoid the conversation he knows is coming.
But Simon will not be sidetracked by baked goods. He says he will Windex the cookies because he stole the girls. Jonathan tells him not to worry so much; when it comes to Kim he knows she’ll be on the cover of every paper just showing up to the event. He needs to do the party, OKAY?
Simon is not okay with it; he doesn’t like being duped. Blah blah blah whiney cakes about the necessity of a party, and they finally agree to split up the girls giving each of them two to work on their events. Jonathan wants to know if Simon will come to the party, and Simon tells him he needs to die.
Jonathan consoles himself by blowing a strawberry
So now everyone is back on track and Jonathan is at his apartment harassing Sal about the backsplash in the kitchen. It’s in three pieces and he wanted one long piece. Sal tells him the pieces don’t come that big, but Jonathan is not buying that so Sal gets on the phone to yell at someone else about the backsplash. Ya gotta love construction guys. They’ll insist something can’t be done until they see you won’t budge then, voila! All of a sudden it’s possible. And costly. Let’s not forget that one!
I can’t do it! No way! Impossible!
Ya better fucking fix this!
Jonathan whines at us that he’s totally embarrassed for his mom to see the place. Hey! I have a solution. Wait til the next time you’re in the city to have your fucking party ya big dickwad. He thinks she’s gonna walk right in and walk right back out. Then he starts yelling at the girls and freaking out. Lauren says he’s always nits but this time is even worse. Probably because mommy is coming.
Jonathan calls Simon and tells him he can’t come to the event because there’s no way his place is going to be ready for the party. Simon does a big told ya so before before telling him to get his fat lazy ass over to Dave & Buster’s. That seems to work, and Jonathan says he has to head over to the event. You tell em Simon.
We see shots of the red carpet and people I don’t give a crap about being photographed on it, and then we head back to where Sal is gearing up for his big gorilla moment. Simon has exacted his revenge on Jonathan by sticking him in the room with Sal as he’s getting dressed.
Lauren must be on the shit list too because she is also assigned gorilla duty. She tells us she actually had to touch Sal’s foot! Heaven’s no! Be glad you didn’t have to touch anything else sweetheart.
As is the usual on this show, we spend about thirty seconds at the actual event. Kim arrives, is ushered inside, takes pictures with gorilla Sal. At one point Sal produces a banana and proceeds to stick it in Kim’s face in a very sexual way. The press eats it up.
Baby gorilla films are shown, games are played. The party is judged a success by all. And now, with the event over, we can head on out to baby Jonathan’s party.
Hey look! The Manzos are there!
Jonathan’s mom is also there. Katie says she’s so wonderful, gracious and polite. She thinks the apple fell very far from the tree. Momma Cheban gives Jonny a big hug and he gives her the tour of the apartment. Will she approve?
I freaking love her. And that’s a wrap for this episode. What did you think, Gasmi? Did you think Jonathan’s obsession with a party this time out was ridiculous? What did you think of his place? Do you love his mom as much as I do?
Next week, prank wars! See you there!