Tonight The Spin Crowd weaves a cautionary tale. For those you of that may be considering veganism, this episode provides you with some good reasons to keep on chomping on butchered cows. That is, eating only vegetables rots your brain. I know! I would have never thought that either, but what other conclusion can we make?
The veggies made me date him!
Let the tale begin! Once upon a time there was a doughy looking momma’s boy who terrorized L.A. with his homely looks and need for attention. This boy went into PR because being an attention whore himself he understood the needs of other attention whores.
But the doughy jackass was lonely. His reflection didn’t talk back to him when he looked in the mirror, and his hand got tired from doing all the work in their lovemaking. So the boy decided to find himself a girlfriend. It’s a tale of love, horror, rotting brain cells and cheeseburgers.
Oh, and Carmen Electra sells sex toys
We join Jonathan in his office where he’s telling everyone he’s leaving early for a date and they’re all pretending they care. Well, to be fair, they probably do care because that means they have less time they have to spend with him.
I want to meet this girl; I didn’t think there was anyone stupider than me!
Summer wonders what girl could tolerate Jonathan for more than five minutes. I mean, he pays them, and they can barely get through a day of dealing with him.
Jonathan tells us he hasn’t been dating a lot since he’s been in L.A. because he’s been focusing on opening this office. But now he’s finally met someone who is idiotic enough to go out with him. She’s funny, she’s sweet, she’s gorgeous. Obviously she’s had a full frontal lobotomy or something.
He tells them the challenge is going to be staying awake past eleven o’clock (for her maybe), and then does a vomit inducing hip swivel. If he fucks like he swivels those hips I’d say that girl is in for one non wild ride. Now I must go scour my brain.
After emptying an entire bottle of bleach into my head, we’re back! Jonathan and his date Erika are arriving at Nobu. Small talk, chit chat, blah blah blah. Jonathan is a water sign! Erika is a water sign! They have soooooo much in common. There’s some discussion with the waiter about sea salt, and Erika says he can leave it because she has sea salt, sooooooo………
I always carry some in my purse, you know, for salt emergencies
A dish arrives that Jonathan says he ordered for her; he’s hoping she eats beef. Noooooooooo. She also doesn’t eat rice. I’m thinking she might have wanted to clue him in on that tidbit before they went to a SUSHI RESTAURANT. Good news though, the baby corn is fabulous!
Jonathan tells us he doesn’t normally date that much because he doesn’t like to open himself up. Okay, Jonathan, whatever you tell yourself to keep from crying yourself to sleep every night. He doesn’t trust a lot of people but he does want to get married and have kids someday. Yeah, let that one sink into your brain a little bit. Done puking yet? Okay, take another minute. Ready?
He had a really great time with her and is hoping to go out again which is also really rare for him. And then it happens…….
Jonathan gets his first kiss!
The passion of that kiss almost melted my television. Thank goodness I wasn’t there in person, for sure I would have melted at the sight of such fire!
In another part of town the girls are out having dinner and trying to comprehend how Jonathan got a girl to go out with him.
Do you think he paid her?
Lauren is hoping he paid for a happy ending so he’ll be nicer to them in the morning. But Katie has more important things to discuss; are they drinking cocktails or wine? Lauren votes for wine, but Summer orders an ice tea. Lauren is all about getting Summer to drink or maybe smoke a doobie, but Summer points out to her that she’s only nineteen, and drinking for her is illegal. She also says she doesn’t know what a doobie is.
Fuck, Lauren. My mom is watching this you skank! Oh wait, I’m a skank too; pass the wineglass!
Summer is pissed that Lauren is reminding her that she’s the youngest in the crowd, and she’s super sensitive about the remarks Lauren makes about her age. She doesn’t find them to be amusing. Lauren leaves to go make a phone call, and Summer goes off about how sick and tired she is of all of Lauren’s crap.
Katie says she shouldn’t take it seriously, that she’s sure Lauren doesn’t mean anything by it. She doesn’t think Summer should make it a bigger deal than it is. Too late!
The next day Jonathan is practically glowing after his date night, and Simon and the girls think he loves this girl. Well, as much as Jonathan can love anyone that is not himself. Or his mother. He tells them there was this one little thing……but no, he’s not going to talk about it.
Did she try to make you smoke a doobie brother?
Did she do an interpretive dance about her feelings?
Did she poot?
Hint: One of those was a real question. No, no and no. Jonathan tells them how she doesn’t eat salt, rice, or anything else that he ordered (hey! she ate the baby corn!). They all think he should give her another try.
Simon says enough of this, they have to go meet Carmen Electra, and off they go. The reason she wanted to meet with them is that she is launching a new line of sex toys at Spencers. Oh. My. God. Spencers. Spencers was like the best store in the world when I was twelve. You’d go in and pretend you’re looking at T-Shirts and keychains, but then you’d stop in front of the sex toy section and let your mind marvel at what all those things were for. Ah, memories.
So Carmen wants their help promoting this line of toys. I’d say that’s money wasted since sex toys and Carmen Electra seem like they would be a winning combination with no help required from anyone else. Simon is really excited about the line, and tells them that he loves a tickler.
I thought we agreed that you’d never mention that again. I told you I was drunk, dammit!
She’s got body glitter, pasties, strip dice, and a spank kit.
Which you can get at any Rite Aid.
Oh wait, she means a spank kit like to give a spanking. To someone else. It’s got a paddle and leathery looking cuffs, and Simon likey. Jonathan says when they introduce the products to the press they have to be really careful because there’s a fine line between fun and sexy and trashy and dirty.
Simon wants this to be classy and chic, and Jonathan comes up with the super classy idea of Carmen spanking someone with the paddle while he’s blindfolded. Carmen contributes, “Or her.”
I’m an equal opportunity spanker
Back at the office, Simon gives out the sex toys as treats for the girls. Hey! No fair! My boss never gives me sex toys. What a prude. They have to come up with a great pose for Carmen, Jonathan tells them, and they play around and try out different spanking poses. I once again have to bleach my brain.
The shelves just restocked themselves.
Summer tells us that being only nineteen it’s not like she’s used a ton of sex toys in her time. Not like Lauren. Uh, honey? I’m pretty sure it was your ass we saw hooking up with random white guy you just met, not Lauren. Not that I’m saying Lauren’s not a skank; she sure talks like she is, but the only hard skank evidence I’ve seen so far is Summer’s hook up.
Later that day Jonathan and Erika are out to eat again, this time at a restaurant called Real Food Daily. Jonathan thinks it looks like a really fun place. He tells Erika that she looks beautiful, and she says she’s glad she met him. As he’s looking at the menu Jonathan says he’s hoping they have a really delicious burger or steak there.
There’s a teensy thing I forgot to mention…….
I thought we agreed we wouldn’t discuss my penis in front of the camera!
No, a different teensy thing……this is a vegetarian restaurant
Jonathan is not a fan of vegetarian restaurants; he’s a meat man. Yeah, that’s exactly what I thought too until he decided to get all confusing up in this episode! He really likes Erika so he’s decided to suck it up and give the whole veggie dishes only thing a try.
He tries a vegan crab cake and looks like he’s going to barf while Erika laughs and laughs and laughs. She thinks it can’t be that bad. Well sure, when you’ve numbed your tastebuds by feeding them nothing but cardboard, cardboard isn’t that bad. She asks if he eats a lot of meat. Yep. He says he needs it to live. You know, I hate agreeing with anything Jonathan has to sa, but I have to admit I’m with him on this one.
Erika doesn’t know how to say this to him, but to her, kissing someone that eats meat for her is like a non smoker kissing someone who smokes. I think she’s trying to tell him that his kisses gross her out, but I’m thinking that doesn’t have anything to do with the whole meat thing. He gross, ergo kissing him would be gross. Meat or no meat.
I’m not sure I’m understanding you….you want me to floss before kissing? Spray some Lysol in my mouth? What?
The next day Simon and Jonathan are on their way to the Carmen Electra event. Simon is going on and on about how beautiful Carmen is and all you really need to sell a product is a picture of her holding it. I’m sure she’s so glad she’s spent the money on you guys then!
This segues into a discussion of Jonathan’s date with Erika, and Jonathan tells Simon where they went to eat. Simon loves that restaurant! Fabulous people hang out there, and did Jonathan know it’s all organic? They don’t serve any meat.
Oh, I KNOW
He says he really likes Erika which is rare for him since he usually finds something wrong with every girl he dates. But she doesn’t want him to eat meat anymore; if he continues to eat meat, she won’t be able to date him. Simon thinks she should be less concerned about the animals around Jonathan and more concerned about the people. “Has she met you, you’re a monster?”
Enough talk about meat though, time for some sex toy promotion. The girls are bouncing some ideas for pictures off each other, and Summer takes great offense when Lauren shoots down her idea of adding a boa. Carmen arrives and proceeds to sign boobs and butts as well as spanking fans. Jonathan making sure everything looks fun and sexy, not trashy.
As usual, the event is deemed a huge success. On the way back to the office the girls are talking about how great it was, and Lauren tells Summer she’s so proud that Summer didn’t ask Carmen for her picture or autograph. Guess how well Summer takes that?
I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!
Lauren runs ahead of the gang to pee and Summer loses her shit to Katie and Erika. Katie tells her to be careful with how she deals with this since she’s so angry right now. Whatever, Summer is ready to put her in her place. Summer tells Lauren they need to talk and says she’s sick of Lauren personally attacking her. Lauren doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She wants an example.
Katie jumps in, saying that sometimes she can come off as being a bit abrasive; her approach maybe gets lost in translation. Lauren is now crying; she never realized that Summer would take her saying she is so young as a put down. She walks out of the office upset and feeling blindsided because she thought they were just friends and joking around.
Summer follows her outside saying she never meant to make her cry.
Okay, maybe a little bit, is that so wrong?
They hash it out and in the course of their conversation we find out that Summer has been carrying a grudge against her grandma since she was little. Wait, what?!?!? How do you even form a grudge against your grandma from when you were little? What, did she not RSVP to your tea party or something? Psycho.
So they kiss and makeup and Lauren calls Summer her little bitch in training. Awwww, so sweet.
Back at Jonathan’s place, Erika has come over to cook a meatless dinner for him. She’s planning on making him quinoa pilaf, and they joke around in the kitchen and are having a grand ole time until……
Dun dun dun!
She asks him what it is, and he says it’s very old garbage. Flashback to him ordering two cheeseburgers and Simon telling him not to build a relationship on a foundation of lies. Back in his kitchen, Erika is not buying the old garbage excuse. Oh, maybe it’s not old garbage afterall.
He says it must be from the housekeepers. They clean, they eat, they leave their garbage. Erika can tells when someone is lying to her; she just wants him to come clean and tell her the truth. Nope. Not happening. He sticks to his story.
Actually, I think it was aliens; they flew in for a cheeseburger and a quick probe.
Turns out her mom owns a home cleaning business, and as a teenager she cleaned homes with her. She knows the first rule of maidom is that the garbage gets emptied first and you never put a new bag in so when the person comes home you can laugh and laugh and laugh when they throw something in the garbage can with no bag and then have to pick it out of the garbage. It’s especially funny when it’s something messy.
She says it’s not even so much about the fact that he ate the meat, but the fact that he’s lying about it is pushing her over the edge. She thinks they should probably just be friends. He can’t believe she’s dumping him after he opened up to her. He never does that! Lying, well that he does all the time.
She tells him they can just be friends, and I laugh until my sides hurt because I think he truly doesn’t understand why she is telling him to bugger off. Poor Erika, it took the smell from a cheeseburger to wake her up to the fact that she was dating an idiotic jackass. I hope she’s learned her lesson.
And that’s the show for this week, Gasmi. What did you think? Are you as terrified by the effects of veganism as I am? Do you think Jonathan’s right hand will be the next to break up with him? Does anyone care about Lauren and Summer’s fight? Wanna go buy some sex toys at Spencers?
Next week…..season finale! WOO HOO! Coco Puff goes down (on one knee), Jonathan embarrasses Simon yet again, and it looks like Simon might quit? Whatever it is, I hope you’ll all join me; make sure to bring a fifth of vodka and a celebratory cheeseburger!