The Star Wars Holiday Special

Recaps

By Foggywood | Wednesday, December 19, 2012 | 10:00 am | 12 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Recaps

Han picks up Lumpy, calls him sweetheart, and then hands him off to Chewie saying “Is he groomed!”  I guess he means that as a compliment?  Again I’m not making any of this up. They go inside and Han greets the family. After he makes a few puberty jokes about Lumpy, he takes off. And then this happens:

wookie love
Wookie love

And I cry a little.  For joy.  Because I realize this is almost over.

There’s a knock at the door and Chewie goes to open it with guns a-blazin’. The door opens and its Art! An alert comes up looking for the missing trooper and Art tells the officer that the trooper robbed him, stole food, and then headed for the hills. Art saves the day again!  He tells them to have a great Life Day and leaves them saying “May the force be with you!”

The family goes and gets their Life Day glowing orbs.

orbs
This is some voodoo shit

They raise them up and suddenly they appear wearing red robes. A procession appears and is shown walking into a blazing sun-like glow. What. The. Fuck?

line
Are they floating?  Flying?  Dying?

A crowd of Wookies in red robes is gathered in a Stonehenge like place. C-3PO and R2-D2 show up on some sort of stage in front of the crowd. Chewbacca goes to meet them and they wish him and the crowd Happy Life Day. C-3PO tells the gathering he wishes he and R2 weren’t just machines so they could share in the feeling of Life Day.

droids
I hope Life Day doesn’t entail any robot sacrifices

Out of nowhere Leia, Luke and Han Solo appear. Leia gives a speech about how wonderful it is to be for Life Day and how much everyone loves everyone else and who knows what else.  She doesn’t even know what the hell she’s saying.

robe
You guys forgot your cult robes!

Carrie is still completely fucked up. She says something about the Tree of Life and launches into a song about Life Day.

song
What day is it again?  Oh Life Day!

The song ends and there is 5 minutes of flashbacks from the actual Star Wars movie. Which I guess are supposed to be Chewbacca’s memories? Or something?

ObiWan
Obi Wan is not amused

One of the last commercials is for this: C-3PO and R2-D2 themselves hock all the Star Wars toys. Sigh.

toys
Of course

We come back to see the family gathered around the table holding hands and the “special” Special ends.

wookie prayer
Let us never speak of this again

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Foggywood
About

Jonathan Mallen grew up in San Francisco, went to college at Santa Clara, and has spent the bulk of his youth living and dying in LA.  Don't worry, mostly living.  He has worked as an actor, teacher, limo driver, waiter, personal assistant, office assistant,  script reader, retail associate, etc etc AND etc...  Very glamorous, he knows.  He is very happy to add blogger to his illustrious resume.

12 Comments

  1. 1
    Luscious Luscious
    Posted December 18, 2011 at 11:20 am

    That was for reals? Holy moley – I feel like I just took a hit of acid. What a shame I missed this when I was 7.

  2. 2
    Jessi
    Posted December 18, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    I’ve tried watching this movie before and couldn’t get through it. I love Star Wars and thought this might be so bad that it’s good. Nope! It’s so bad that it made me want to rip my ears off. I can’t take that much Wookiespeak. You’re a hero for getting through the entire thing!

  3. 3
    Foggywood Foggywood
    Posted December 18, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    @Luscious – yes, my dear – it was all TOO real…
    @Jessi – thank you honey – as the last Wookie family caption said “Let us never speak of this again!”

  4. 4
    Elmstreet
    Posted December 19, 2011 at 12:48 am

    My friends and I are all movie buffs, and we have a boner for bad movies. Bad God DAMN, none of us have ever made it through this stinking pile of shit.

    Props, my dear friend. Allow me to pour you a heavily spiked glass of eggnog to dull the pain.

  5. 5
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted December 19, 2011 at 8:28 am

    I DID see this when I was 7, and even then, I knew that this thing just wasn’t right. I love Luke’s face when Chewie’s squeeze tells him her husband hasn’t shown up yet. Hammil does this “BWAH!??” look somebody just told him he’s going to grow up to french his sister.

  6. 6
    Wilma Fengherdu
    Posted December 19, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    This sounds horrific!! So now I’ve gotta go find it somewhere…

  7. 7
    kthxbai
    Posted December 19, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    I just dreamed this, right? I mean I dreamed about reading this bizarre recap and now I’m dreaming I’m typing?

    Please say yes.

  8. 8
    runningwild
    Posted December 19, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    I was a huge Star Wars fan and back then I would watch Harrison Ford in anything. I know I watched part of this. I don’t remember making it through the whole thing.

  9. 9
    Sarahthered
    Posted December 20, 2011 at 4:44 am

    Jessi, you think this is bad… there’s another thing on youtube that made me absolutely LIVID. A major thundering turd. It’s “The Donny and Marie Show” w/characters from Star Wars; there’s a whole dancing group of storm troopers, Donny and Marie are dressed as Luke and Leia, Kris Kristofferson is Han Solo ( you think Carrie Fisher looks wasted in TSWCS; Kris gives her a run for her money), Red Foxx is Obi Wan… I’m probably not remembering some of this correctly, but the whole thing is too awful for me to look it up this early in the morning (or ever).
    If you’re brave, just try to watch this and see how far you can go. Donny and Marie were pretty dreadful during the usual shows, but this one goes to new levels of stink. My sister and I traded clips w/each other, and both of us were enraged (sometimes we do this with- see who can pull up the worst shit possible).
    I throw down the gauntlet. It’s got nothing to do with Christmas, but if you want more Star Wars suckiness, go for it.

  10. 10
    Foggywood Foggywood
    Posted December 20, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    @Elmstreet – you you my good sir/lady – my Irish will most definitely appreciate the offer!
    @notwithoutmytv – poor Hamill – he got the shaft (well – don’t ask me!), didn’t he? I will always remember him in Corvette Summer. Go on Annie Potts!
    @wilma – oh, sweetheart, please don’t. Trust…
    @kthnxbai – YES!
    @runningwild – you are better for it – would be better to watch Indy Part 1V on a continuous loop – I KNOW, right???
    @sarahthered – Oh Jeez, Sarah. Now I have to watch this and now and I’ve completely lost my mind…thanks, Sarah – thanks ALOT!

    Cheers, thanks alot, you guys!

    -Foggywood

  11. 11
    Sarahthered
    Posted December 20, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    The whole variety show trend in the 70′s was so strange… I think it’s a good argument for believing everyone in the entertainment industry was on major amounts of cocaine. Or just really, really brain damaged by whatever they did in the previous decade. Did anyone really like any of these things?
    Foggywood, please provide your feedback re: Donny & Marie Star Wars show… I want to know if it made you as livid as my sister and I were.

  12. 12
    TVKimmy TVKimmy
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    This was fantastic! If you’d like to see “I can’t believe that actually happened!” specials, I highly recommend the craptastic Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park. ;)

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