The Taste Recap: More than a mouthful is a waste

The Taste

By eyediosmio | Tuesday, January 29, 2013 | 5:16 pm | 8 Comments
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Nigella tells us her dress is elastic so she’s ready to get her eat on.   Preach it sister.  I live in stretchy pants.  Don’t judge.

And we have our first “Reality Show Douchebag!”  He’s from Vegas (of course he is), calls himself “Chaz,” and he does some lame “parcoooooh stop it” moves and talks about how he makes food for awesomeness and life performance.  Really?  How about you try and make us food that just tastes good, without the cartwheels, kay buddy?  THIS GUY is the quintissential reason I believe they came up with this concept.  Tony’s bullshit tolerance is painfully low, and I think they wanted to do a reality show without the judges having to sit through all these chuckleheads and their “personalities.”  However as the audience, we have to, and also my schaedenfreude bone is just VIBRATING with joy at the possibility of this guy totally biting it.  Squee!

I’m totally original and one of a kind obnoxious blowhard!  Give me my own show, I must say 

The producers use Ed Grimley-lite as a device to explain the rest of the concept of this show:  The judges will pick four contestants to be on their team, then as the competition advances they continue blind tasting and as such, could potentially ELIMINATE SOMEONE FROM THEIR OWN TEAM!  Dunh, duhn dunnnnnh!

So our dodohead Adam continues performing and keeps saying “awesomeness”over and over.  Also he declares that is going to kick them in the face with his awesomeness, and I think that is not very nice.  I don’t want to get kicked in the face with anything.  Except maybe chocolate. 

So Adam gets to work in the kitchen.  He has one hour to make a dish, then prepare a spoonful for the judges to taste.  Adam tells us he is going to make a dish of pineapple, mushroom, sundried tomato, turkey, and mac & cheese stir fry.  Or otherwise known in common circles:  Beefaroni!  Seriously guys, it looks so gross.

Adam’s dish:  I call it “Taste of Pedigree,” my dog calls it, “Woof Woof gimme some please!”  Then she farted. 

Adam acknowledges the flavors shouldn’t make sense, but the totally thinks it works.  I however, have to disagree.

Nigella almost pukes, and the four of them are all barely getting that bite down.  Tony says it’s revolting and they bring out the guy who had the balls to serve them Beefaroni (with turkey!).  They all practically crack up in his face when he tells them he’s a chef in Las Vegas. Nigella kindly tells him the dish has “wit” (which means laughably awful btw).

THIS is not the face of someone eating something “awesome.”   

Malarkey calls it MALARKEY!  Actually he says it was a rollercoaster to nowhere.  Ludo is horrified that this guy tried the dish and actually serves it to people. 

Tony looks like he took it personally and calls it a mishmash of flavors, it was texturally unpleasant and says it was aphalling!   He says it was a food crime, basically.  Oooooh, that’s not good.

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eyediosmio

I'm a part time writer, full time wife and Doberman wrangler in steamy South Florida.  I try to keep my sanity by watching loads of reality tv so I can feel better about myself.  It's a lazy way to maintain my moral compass, but I'm too lazy to drive to church every Sunday. 

8 Comments

  1. 1
    BellicoseBaby
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 10:28 pm

    I can’t believe I won’t see this show (ditched TV altogether and now fall asleep reading TVgasm recaps on my smartphone at night, uh, yah, I know…), because Tony, Nigella, and Ludovic? A chorus of angels lets fly with a high C chord every time I think of those names together! Tht’s like playing shag, marry, shag (we can kill Malarkey because are you really going to NOT fuck Tony or Ludo?)

    Great job, Eyedios! I look forward to reading more!

  2. 2
    TVKimmy TVKimmy
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 3:06 am

    You know, I really wish it was all about that taste.

  3. 3
    TVKimmy TVKimmy
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 3:38 am

    Great recap! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who celebrates when the cocky, mouthy, arrogant chefs/cooks get rejected. I mean, confidence is good, but if you think you’re gods gift to cooking you can’t get off my screen fast enough. The more smary they are, the bigger my fist pump will be when you’re sent home because it tastes like crap.

    That pic of jean wearing, hair whipping, fully ripped Ludo makes me want him for my amuse bouche before my Tree of Tony climbing. Damn.

    “Don’t get soft on us now (Tony)” For reals. With a line of Gasmi forming for their gasmi, soft is the last thing you can be.

  4. 4
    Madani Madani
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 5:02 am

    I liked her, but I think Nigella might regret choosing the mashed potato lady. I, too, loved seeing most of the Chef High Horses get the boot.

  5. 5
    cloudsinmycoffee
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 10:46 am

    Ok, still reading, but am I wrong that every time I read Ludo I envision Ludo from Labyrinth?

  6. 6
    eyediosmio eyediosmio
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 6:38 am

    @Bellicose: you ditched TV?!! WHAT?! I can tell you that most of hte recaps on here, I don’t watch the show. I like the recaps better, hee! Except for Millionaire Matchmaker, Once Upon A Time, I like to watch the show then catch the recap to see their perspective. Thanks for reading!

    @TVKImmy: I lurv seeing the DB’s get kicked off, it makes my heart swell. And glad you like that pic of Ludo in the ocean, I think it will be reappearing in every recap. It’s that awesome.

    @Madani: I think the mashed potato lady is a ringer. I just have a feeling she may know more than she’s letting on. Or at least we can hope.

    @clouds: Ludo! Seriously, love that movie. :)

  7. 7
    Chris Velazquez
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Much as I do enjoy seeing arrogant, obnoxious twits get the boot, the show was mostly just that, and it gets a bit dull when it goes on for too long. I was especially annoyed with the barrage of “I’m so angry at myself for not picking you” moments.

    I don’t remember Khristianne from Chopped, though. I know I’ve seen her somewhere, but it wasn’t Chopped, and I’ve seen every episode of Chopped except one (just because I didn’t want to see that douchebag Nate Appleman win the championship). I do know that megabitch Diane was in Chopped, though, and she was an okay enough person back then. She won the episode she was in, in part because her competitor made three mistakes regarding simple hygiene, and she came back for a championship tournament, where she was eliminated after making a super delicious dish, her only fault being she completely forgot one of the mandatory ingredients. Seems that that loss really activated a Bitch Switch in her, because damn was she despicable here. Which means she’ll probably make it really far just to torture us.

    The judges are also hit and miss right now. I guess Ludo’s okay, don’t know who the hell Malarkey is, but he does have a catchy name. I absolutely adore Nigella, though, so at least that’s one I’m rooting for. The main thing against this show for me, though, is that fuckwad Bourdain being in it. I never understood what people saw in that pretentious asshole. Yeah, he has a tv show where he travels and eats, big deal. I remember he smoked like 17 packs a day (and probably still does), which means his palate must be deader than a new show’s chances of getting a second season in Fox, so I just plain don’t trust whatever the hell he says about the taste in anything. The fact that he looks like the unholy offspring of a donkey and a toad doesn’t help things any, I want to watch a show without a rush of nausea at the sight of someone’s face.

  8. 8
    eyediosmio eyediosmio
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    @Chris: Oh Chris, you risk bodily harm and an online riot if you disparage Bourdain!!!! The horror! He quit smoking a long time ago, though.

    And I knew I knew Diane from somewhere! She was awful in this episode, I hope she loses. She was just unnecessarily nasty to the other contestants. And I just went to Khristianne’s twitter page and it appears that she was on Chef Wanted and Millionaire Matchmaker! I’m gonna have to do some looking around in the reality universe. It’s kind of funny how all these “chefs” are so into reality tv.

    And I agree with you that the show went on waaaay too long. We love you, sorry we didnt pick you see you later.

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