Todd’s dish didn’t make the cut (sad horns)
Our next contestant is home cook Renatta. She’s full of laughter and giggly and just out of control with the happy. She’s making chicken with mashed potatoes, cabbage and sauce on top. Yes, just sauce on top. Which kills me because you konw the other chefs who are getting sent home are PISSED it wasn’t some fancy ass wine reduction bullshit spoonful. Hee!
Woo hoo! Sauce!
The judges taste the dish and the voting is as follows: Malarkey says no, Tony says no because he didnt like the mustard, Ludo no likey, but Nigella is really taken with the flavors and the comfort food aspect of it. So Renatta’s in!
Nigella says it tastes like something her grandmother would have cooked for her, Ludo gets sassy and says his grandmother cooked better than that. Le meow, Ludo.
Our next pompous contestant hopeful is Markus, who says the tried true “I didnt come here to make friends.” Well, that kind of explains the hat because nobody wants to be friends with a dork. Seriously, lose the stupid. He’s making lamb.
A spoonful of underwhelming
Apparently he’s also making the judges VERY unhappy with his dish, because they all really don’t like it very much. Tony gives him kudos for being different, but it’s not enough. I love it when cocky people get smacked down, it makes me very very happy.
Thank you for daring to be different, yet somehow being like everyone else on Reality TV. And lose the porkpie, buddy. You look like an idiot. While you’re at it, shave the weird ass landing strip off your chin, too.
The gang discusses the fact that they seem to be taken by the home chefs more than the professionals and Ludo chalks that up to just some chefs aren’t very good. Way to break it down, le Ludo.
We then have a quick dispatch of four chefs and I’m really just gigglin gover this. They’re not even slowing down with kicking people out on their ass. The chefs are extremely cocky and talking smack about the home cooks. One chef even throws a total hissy fit that the home chefs are all hacks, another woman quits her job to be there and then gets sent home to the unemployment line and everyone is pretty much shaken by the idea they didn’t make it through. Tony says the chef who quit her job isn’t even a cook, she’s effing delusional. Ouch, that’s pretty soul crushing. OF COURSE she’s all defensive on her way out though.
Okay, so let’s hope the next one fares better. Her name is Mia and she’s a Yoga Instructor. She’s obsessed with Anthony Bourdain and admits to having a tiny crush on him. Please lady. HE’S MINE! BACK OFF! I mean, how weird. Yeah. Anyhow, she’s super excited to be there and did not quit her job so she’s pretty stoked. And bendy.
I hope Tony choose me so i can show him my downward dog.
That looks delicious!
Malarkey says it’s too spicy for him, she tells him he can’t take the heat, Nigella thought it needed more salt, and Ludo just wasn’t digging it. Tony BOurdain however, is all about her lamb and she’s on his team! Lucky lady!
Tony’s interested in her bendiness, I mean her cooking skills. Seriously though, I love him when he curses more. Don’t get soft on us now!!
Nathaniel, a home cook is a server in a restaurant. He gets a no on his greasy shrimpy spoonful. Actually, the judges are nice to him, and tell him to keep cooking and growing and to be open to learning. Which please take note, most of the chefs are insulted instead of taking the constructive criticism to heart.
Next up we have a Home Chef v. Professional Chef smackdown!
We have Ninamarie v. Paul and they’re both very confident and really friendly. They’re both tasting thei rfood before it goes out (Imagine that!) and I have high hopes for one of them.
Tony chooses Ninamarie’s dish despite the fact that she used butterscotch. Paul the happy ginger is another story, and both Ludo and Nigella choose him! It’s Frenchy v. the Brit and although Nigella says “pleasure” like a dozen times, he chooses Ludo!
Our next professional Chef is Sieger, and he considers himself quite the hunk but knows he can’t count on his baby blues to get through to the competition. However, with that name he might want to consider some gay porn. Bow chika bow bow!
The judges are pretty hard on him but again, he gets some great advice. Ludo tells him he went light on the olive oil, and to use more lemon juice and salt. Also, fleu fleu le bleu bleu floooooooopy floop. Or something.
We get our next home cook who is brazilian and dressed to the hilt, and dancing around her kitchen like a crazy housewife with too much wine in her system ala Taylor from ROBH or one of our idiot housewives from Miami. Again, notice all the typical reality show antics, and unfortunately it doesn’t work for Cynthia either.
But they are so gracious to her, and give her wonderful advice and there is seriously no nastiness happening. It’s kind of feel good TV here, which is making me very uncomfortable.
Our next home cook is Micah. Another dude who quit his job to reach for the Reality TV Stars.
If this doesn’t work out, there’s always his band Barenaked Ladies to fall back on
His dish surprises everyone, Ludo thinks he’s a professional, Nigella is confused by the vanilla in the parsnip and thinks he’s a home chef who watches a lot of cooking programs (hey lady! That’s your bread and butter!)
Kinda weird to use vanilla, but hey – Malarkey likes it
Anyway, Malarkey is a big fan of Micah’s cooking and tells him to lay off the sweet and savory angle and he’s in! Thank God, considering he quit his job for this. I guess it works out for some people!
Our next contestant is TJ and he works at the Shit Plant in Texas. He tells us that our crap is his bread and butter, and OHMYGODTHEYSHOWHIMWITHAJARFULLOFPOOP!!!! It’s really really gross you guys and because I heart all of you so much there is no screen grab for this.
So TJ works at the shit plant and then goes home and puts his poo covered hands all over the kitchen and makes his kids shitbiscuits. Just kidding, I’m pretty sure he washes his paws. Anyway, he’s a very likeable giant dude. I am rooting for this poo flinger!
He’s making chicken mole with salsa on the side. He says that his dream is to work in the kitchen. People, look into taking a night class, get a part time job in a kitchen and then go from there. But anyway, hey – he’s giving this a shot he didn tquit his job to do this so again – rooting for you TJ!
TJ, in the future please try to refrain from preparing a meal that closely resembles your day job. Thanks!
AND I’m rooting for the wrong guy cuz the judges unanimously hate it. Ludo is baffled by it and wonders what he ate, Malarkey tells him to use thigh meat because the breast was so dry and Tony is like Hellz no. Nigella is a darling and sweetly tells him to keep working at it and wishes him luck. She really should have a second career just giving people bad news. She can really let you down with a smile that one.
Our next segment consists of the swift dismissal of a half dozen home chefs who try to break our judges teeth and/or poison them. Tony curses, Nigella summons her dentist, Malarkey spits out food under the table - it’s a mess. Tony sums it up with a succint: “What the F?”
Our next home chef/bordline professional is Diane. This woman is just a bitch. She’s decided to be the villain even knowing there’s a blind taste test. She’s so awful and nasty. She’s rude to everyone in the kitchen. And the whole time I’m distracted by her inappropriate midriff. seriously woman – you old. Put a real shirt on.
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a . . whatever. I’m just a straight up bitch.
The judges all kind of like her food, but Nigella says no because it was too acidic, Ludo says it was swamped by the tzaziki as does Malarkey. Tony sensed the midriff through the screen and picks her for his team. Anybody else noticing that all of his choices are cute little girls? I am telling you he has ESP or someone is giving him information.
It does kind of look delicious . . . dammit.
Oh! Then we have another judge showdown between Ludo and Malarkey – the big dude that Diane was talking smack to in the ktichen is chosen. He picks Ludo. Good for him!
Another professional cook shows up and tells us she’s also quit her job. And it doesn’t work out for her at all. In fact, the judges all say no and she’s left just weeping in her little box. Poor thing. Ludo feels so bad for her, he tells her to stay in LA and he’ll hire her. I can’t even with this guy! He’s so surly but deep down, you know he’s a sweetheart.
This is how I plan on totally nailing my next interview.
Our last contestant of the show is Lauren. She’s friggin adorable and lives in a trailer and only has $30 in her bank account. She says that she really needs this break and hopes that by making a dessert she stands out.
The judges agree, they love the dessert and they think she may be a professional chef because she didnt go overboard on the sweetness.
Lauren proves Nigella correct by confirming her homecook status. Ludo wants the recipe, and gives her a long song and dance about how wonderful her dish was but ultimately doesn’t pick her. And needless to say, Nigella picks her and she’s extremely ecstatic. They end on the best note with her, and we’re set for the following week!
You like me! You really really like me!