The Voice: America has Come to it’s Senses

Easily my favorite parts of the live eliminations are the clips and the dramatic music/cuts that the show chooses to remind us what happened last night. I’m personally thankful for the recap because I don’t remember what happened two min- wait, what was I saying?

We’re all wearing grey!

The Voice can’t possibly just let us know who is going to be eliminated right away. What would they do with the other 57 minutes and 31 seconds? Their solution: A LIVE performance from British boy band “The Wanted”.

The Wanted must have yelled “Everybody! Make some noise!” at least 13 times. As Brits, they think this is something that Americans want to hear in order to get riled up at American pop concerts. “Americans go kookoo bananas for it. I’ve seen it in the hippity hop concerts that the darker skinned gentlemen do.”

It’s time to get rid of some dead weight on Christina’s team! So let’s see what Adam has to say about it, because he opinion is super valuable in terms of Christina’s decision-making.

Adam: “I can’t judge what she[Christina] did.” Yes you can! That’s what you get paid to do Adam! You ned to judge more harshly and become the Simon of The Voice team! That’s what America really wants; another a-hole.

Cee-Lo: “Even though I did not understand her[Christina] decision, I accept her freedom to decide the decision that she made.” The decision that was hers to make I was respectful of her deciding her own decisions when asked to decide these decisions and be decisive about deciding.

Christina: “I am no stranger to controversy.” People won’t stop debating about the origins of the various extensions glued to my head. Some people say they were constructed from a weaving together of dead opposum hair, some think it came from a Columbian drug lord’s 3^rd on-call hooker and some think it’s hay from the Piggly Wiggly. People are going to think what they want to think and my skin will continue to turn into a deeper shade of orange.

Who has America saved??

Chris Mann.

Really?? I guess America is jonesing for some operatic voices right now. I mean, I’m all for something different than teeny bopper songs in my grocery store shopping experience, but Chris Mann?

Now let’s lighten the loafers of Blake’s team!

Blake: “It sucks.” A true poet.

Who has America saved??

Jermaine Paul.

Finally!! Some sense has crept into the American minds! Any closer we can get to not have the creepy Eden Wood of the future on the show anymore, is the closer I can get to achieve true happiness.

Ashley De La Rosa has to now sing for her life. She chooses “You & I”, possibly referring to her relationship she thinks she has with Christina. Boy is she going to be surprised.

Adam: “It’s a roller coaster of things Ashley.” I wanted to like you because you would be so perfect in my sweater nest, but you are almost too old for the nest. I just can’t decide. This is so hard.

Blake: “Ashley has won me over. I would go buy Ashley’s record.” Ashley doesn’t have a record and she may never have one thanks to you guys.

Lindsay Pavao sings “Please Don’t Go”. If you think Christina will ever say these words to you, you are sorely mistaken Lindsay. It’s a cute idea to try to sway Christina, but her hair is doing all kinds of crazy things and it’s confusing to everyone.

Cee-Lo: “I can only hope that the winning attitude you have keeps you warm on this day.” You’re basically telling her she better start applying for waitressing jobs.

Blake: “Lindsay’s not one of the BIG vocalists.”

Oh no, this is not what I signed up for. Justin Beiber has just shown up, out of the blue. No one has asked him to be there, he just is. Somebody must have been in the bathroom with the lights off saying his name three times. Justin Beiber…Justin Beiber…….

We are “lucky” enough to see the world premiere of his new video “Boyfriend”. I don’t know if he’s aware just how much he looks like a hip adorable lesbian in this video, while trying to convince us he wants to believe all the women in the video want him to be their boyfriend.

He then announces with Carson, in the most un-organic way, that he will be back to perform the wretched hit song on the season finale of The Voice in three weeks. Not good news, but at least this time I will be prepared and my soul won’t die.

Christina: “[crying]”. Why would somebody draw such horrific eye makeup on my face?! It happens all the time!! Why? Why would they allow this to happen? On LIVE TV!!

Christina saves Lindsay Pavao and ditches the youngin Ashley De La Rosa. Don’t worry Ashley, the only reason she chose Lindsay was because Lindsay’s hair is worse than that rag on her head and she could ever compete with your young healthy locks.

Now it’s Blake’s turn to be “generous”. He takes his team to a concert he does and has them “try to steal his fans” by performing in front of his fans. How generous.

Erin Willet sings Not an Adele song! She sings “Rolling in the Deep on the River”. Boy was she wearing some shoes. I’m not sure how they were supposed to be attracted or how she was even supposed to stand in them.

Raelynn sings “If I Die Young”. She sounds like a baby crying, which is appropriate. I can’t stand the baby voice she uses. I really hope she goes home to her mommy.

Adam: “I’ve always been a fan of yours since the beginning.” When I found out how young you were and how I would be able to wrap you up in a blanket like a little baby and rock you with your my binky until you fall asleep and I can watch you.

Who is Blake going to save? I don’t think he even knows. He bumbles and says some half-country sentences and makes some backwoods analogies and then it’s just mumbling. I really tried to follow, but there is just no way. I think there was only one intelligible word in that whole thing.

He saves Erin Willet!!

Thank the good Lord! We don’t have to hear another word from the creepy former pageant star mouth!

Jesus loves me!