The Voice: America Remembers, wait what?

After a billion years of explaining what happened last night, because no one in America remembers what happened 24 minutes ago, let alone 24 hours ago, we have a live performance from an actual real singer. Jessie J sings “Domino” with Team Christina. They sing the oohs, but the really sing them, not like Team Blake.

Arsenio Hall was more than pleased with the performance as evidenced by the excessive nodding he was doing. But he wasn’t completely pleased, as evidenced by the lack of his fist circling the air with his signature bark.

It’s time to reveal the safe members of Team Adam and Team Cee-Lo, but before we do that we need to have another recap because it’s been 12 minutes and we’re losing America again.

Even I know this extensions look trashy. Snooki fame here I come!

Katrina’s hair needs to stop. THOSE IMITATION ADELE EXTENSIONS ARE SHAMEFUL!

Adorbz.

First save is Mathai! Thank the good lord America finally had an ounce of sense about what talent should sound like.

Take that Christina! Looks like I WILL be riding your coattails to the top!

Second save, Tony Lucca. I’ve immediately lost faith in America once again. Although, after getting his ass handed to him by Xtina when she very publicly announced that Tony should NOT try to ride her coattails to the top, I can see that this was clearly a pity save. Next week he should NOT be so lucky.

Oh stop being quirky Pip. Put that damn bowtie AWAY.

Third save, Pip. NO! I do not condone this! America!!! What the F is wrong with you??? Did you hear the poop flying out of his mouth last night or were you too busy playing Draw Something while the performance was happening?

Damn you America, for giving me hope that you could ever spot talent.

Now it’s time to see which members of Team Cee-Lo are safe this week, but not after we’ve had yet another recap. It’s been 2 minutes since the last one and the attention span of America is waning.

Cee-Lo is wearing white!! What a departure from the chair-blending he’s been doing for the past few weeks! You are a style maven Cee-Lo! Is there anything you can’t do?

Janice Joplin lives inside of me.

First save from Team Cee-Lo is Juliet Simms. Again, my faith is restored in America, but not completely. I was fooled once before.

Can I be da next Voice? Pwetty pwease?

Second save, Jamar Rogers. His mom give her best soccer arm to the people on both sides of her in her best effort to contain their excitement from bursting all over the stage.

DO NOT APPLAUD YOURSELF!!! THIS IS NOT A CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION!!

Third save is James Massone. NO! NO! NO! NOT OK AMERICA! PUT DOWN THE DRAW SOMETHING WHEN YOU ARE WATCHING AND VOTING FOR PEOPLE ON THE VOICE DAMMIT!!!

I have lost all faith in America forever, or until the next Voice elimination. You hear that America? You have a chance to redeem yourself. I doubt you’ll take it, but you have it should you decide to make use of it.

Look at the ladies on Kim!! Yowza!

Kim Yarbrough sings for her life and is sweating from her neck while it happens. She will actually die if she doesn’t get this people. It will be death by Voice or by diabetes. Whichever comes first.

I make no apologies for singing Airplanes on an airplane wing.

Karla Davis sings “I can’t make you love me.” Isn’t that already obvious from the way America voted? I find the song to be a little redundant in this context.

Carson is back to remind us for the 17^th time tonight how the show works.  Wait…how many people can Cee Lo save?  Is it directly proportional to his height or the amount of lusty chest hair sticking through Shakespeare shirt?  Oh yeah, it’s 1.  I’ve been paying attention since you walked out on stage you handsome son of a bitch.

As I said before, My extensions are embarrassing.

Katrina Parker sings “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt, as in “there’s no doubt you’ve been doing an Adele impression since March.  I do have to say that Katrina is one of the reasons I like the Voice.  She’s good, but there is no way she gets past Steven’s Tyler’s singular lust for 17 year old high school volleyball players on American Idol.

While he’s listening and contemplating his decision, Adam looks like a shark silently stalking his prey.  Are sharks always silent?  I think they are.  Anyway, heavy is the head that wears the crown.

Blake: “Maybe it’s because it’s the last one I heard, but I’d lean more towards Katrina.”  Last thing that happened.  That’s how I make all my decisions too.  It’s why I walked out of the house wearing a shoe rack this morning.

Christina: “This is a really sucky position to be in for both of you [Adam and Cee Lo].”   They sit in spin-y red leather chairs and get paid per word they say about people singing alternative hits from the 90’s.  There’s nothing sucky about it.

Cee Lo: “In terms of an all around save—Katrina.”  I was unaware there was anything less than all around save.  Could you save half a person?  Because I think Karla is half of a Kim.

Adam:  “Take a look at where you are.”  Burbank I guess?

Adam saves Katrina, which I think is a good choice.  She goes back stage to continue rolling in the deep.

Look into my eyes! Deeeep into my eyes.

Tony Vincent sings Sweet Dreams by Annie Lennox.  Wait, nevermind, this is obviously the Marilyn Manson version.  It’s amazing how far a $7.99 at Hot Topic can go towards making an artist.

When I grow up, I want to be a drag queen. I watch every last episode of Ru Paul’s Drag Queen…

Cheesa sings All By Myself.  Holy shit, she just diva-ed all over the stage.  That was actually awesome.  I hate songs like that unless I’m drunk and singing karaoke, but she killed it.

Losing the mohawk is not enough to win over America at this point Erin. The damage is already done.

Erin Martin sings Your Song by Elton John.  How can it be that English is the only language she knows but she can’t pronounce the word sculptor?  Scoop-ter?  We’re talking about a mid-level SAT word tops.

Adam: “I’m a little confused, but I’m also enlightened.”  I think that sums him up well.  Half way well anyway.

Blake: “Ya’ll’s two problem is that Cheesa knocked it completely out of the park” Your one problem Blake Shelton is grammar.

Christina: “Tony, that’s your name?  Tony?”  There are three people up there and only one of them is male.

Cee Lo saves Cheesa.  Two good calls tonight.  Bravo to Adam for his Katrina pick and bravo to Cee Lo for keeping it in his pants with respect to Erin.

On to next week where Christina will be forced to eliminate someone who’s name she will probably remember.