The Voice: It’s Over!

It’s the results show of “The Voice” and no one could be more excited than Carson Daly!

Screw you jerks! I am so outta here!

Yep. No more cutting to Allison in the V-Room, no more trying to get a response out of Dia, and no more trying to keep Christina Aguilera from ripping off men’s pants. Yes, it’s vacation time for you, Carson – at least until winter 2012, when “The Voice” returns.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had a busy week, so I’m sorry this if terribly late. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that Javier Colon won. But heck, you knew that since episode one… Regardless, I’m committed, so I’ll try to entertain you with a little recap of “The Voice: The Results” show anyway.

After Carson introduces the four judges, he brings the finalists to the stage. And they enter awkwardly hi-fiving the audience, just like my T-ball coach made me do with the other team after we lost a game.

Good game, you guys. Good game.

Carson reveals that tonight, rather than doing duets with their coaches, the finalists are going to be doing duets with their coaches’ spouses.

Dude. I am so gonna tag team that!

Go for it, Blake. But first, let’s take a look at what the finalists did yesterday. Oh yeah, they sang original songs and did duets with their coaches. Since it just happened yesterday, we pretty much remember all of the details. And in case you’ve already forgotten about them, let’s pan the audience for a quick look at those who didn’t make it:

Sorry, my dears, your 15 minutes of fame are officially up.

In order to fill time before we get to the actual results, we’re forced to watch a recap of the finalists’ time on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.” This was thrilling for them, even though Conan O’Brien wasn’t there. There’s a horribly staged moment when Jay “surprises” them in their green room, and they try to act excited. Jay’s been in this business a long time, and he has tons of advice for them:

If the audience turns on you, revert to cheap tricks, like this one: See? I can put my fist in my mouth. Works all the time.

Luckily, no one needs to revert to party tricks during the show. Each contestant gets to perform a solo and work with Rickey Minor, the Tonight Show’s band leader. What’s Rickey’s background? Well, he used to be the musical director for “American Idol.” Has everyone left that show? It must not have been a very nice place to work.

The finalists give a group interview and perform their most popular acts from “The Voice,” which was good exposure. But they’re forced to give on-camera testimonials about their love of “The Tonight Show,” which included comments such as: “It’s been my dream since I was a child to be on the ‘Tonight Show,’” and, “Being on ‘The Tonight Show’ means I’ve finally made it.” Wait until they find out that Johnny Carson is no longer the host.

Who’s THIS guy?

As I said before, each of the contestants will be performing a duet with some famous person other than their coaches. But while they warm up, let’s see the long, 10-week road each finalist took to get here. Our first finalist of the evening is Vicci Martinez. During her blind audition, both Christina and Cee Lo turned their chairs for her. And while she was extremely flattered, she chose Cee Lo in the end. And it worked, because she’s here now. She kicked butt in the battle round with a Pink song, and has become known for her “war dance” as well as her high-energy performances of “Dog Days Are Over” and “Love Is a Battlefield.” And she’s doing this in memory of her late father, a singer who put his dreams on hold to support his family.

Vicci sings Train’s “Drops of Jupiter” with Pat Monahan. It’s a weird choice for her but it’s not about picking a good song, it’s about picking a duet partner who’s well-connected. Since Train is going on tour with Maroon 5 this summer, let’s just ask Pat for this little favor. She does fine with the song, but it’s an odd pairing. Pat’s light and airy, fluttering around the stage like a ballerina while Vicci stomps around like a Sumo wrestler. But I’ve seen worse marriages. And they have a nice moment at the end:

Ugh. You are so sweaty.

For some reason the camera pans to Alison Sweeney at the end of the song. I have no idea what connection she has to the show, but she’s been popping up all over the place these days. That’s fine – I’d much rather cut to Alison Sweeney than Allison in the V-Room.

Am I on camera? I am? Ok, good.

Well, that’s all we get out of Alison. It’s a bittersweet moment for Cee Lo – this is the last time he’ll see Vicci perform – well, at least on this show. Being the poet he is, Cee Lo states: “We will forever be bonded because of this experience, but we will never be severed by the scrutiny or status quo of the American voting public or anyone’s opinion… There are so many people you remind me of but nobody who reminds me of you and that is why you are the FIRST Vicci Martinez.”

And that, my friends, is what makes me one of the world’s most famous songwriters.

Vicci’s not sure whether to laugh or cry. No seriously, she looks really confused. So Carson sends her away to gather her thoughts while he cuts to Allison in the V-Room. Everyone’s already Tweeting about Vicci’s performance, but that’s not important. What is important is where Allison buys her clothes – but she won’t tell you. Not that she doesn’t want you to look good too, but she has no idea who she’s wearing, since she doesn’t have to buy the clothes. She doesn’t even have to dress herself – someone does it for her. Ah, rich people problems.

Hey – my life is hard, too! I spend half my day fending off men who beg me to go out with them.

Our next finalist is Javier Colon. During the blind auditions, all four judges turned their chairs for Javier. And he chose Adam – but he probably could have chosen anybody and still ended up here. Javier’s been in this business a long time, and his goal of becoming a famous singer has always been just out of reach – he was so sure he wouldn’t succeed he even went back to school to get a music education degree. He’s killed it on all of his performances, but it hasn’t been without sacrifice. Javier misses his wife and two small children, so he’s hoping this sacrifice will be worth it in the end. And now he’s about to perform “Landslide” with Stevie Nicks.

Well, it’s all been worth it. Their performance was the duet of the night. Stevie Nicks proves she still has it, and Javier proves he’s a much better duet partner than Taylor Swift. And with the exception of Stevie’s constant gesturing, it goes pretty smoothly.

Wait. I’m not done singing yet.

Stevie’s not the young thing she used to be, so it takes about a half-hour for Carson to escort her from the stage. But once he gets back, it’s on to Adam’s last words. And Adam says, “That’s probably the coolest thing you’ve ever done.” Well, besides get married and have children, of course. But really, what’s more important? In a touching moment, Adam calls Javier his hero – a moment that is precisely ruined by Carson when he forces Javier off the stage for a commercial break.

Move over and make room for a real star.

Next up is Beverly McClellan, a rock-and-roller who’s also on her last chance. I’m the oldest person here, but maybe the youngest at heart,” says Beverly. During the blind auditions, Beverly was paired up with Christina Aguilera, and they’ve made sweet music together ever since. Beverly has given fun performances that ranged from rock to blues, and she was so good she even beat out Frenchie Davis, a well-known contender from “American Idol.” That’s why she’s paired up with One Republic’s Ryan Tedder to sing “Good Life”… wait – what? She’s paired up with who to sing what?

It’s not only a horrible song choice for her, but it’s a mismatched pairing. This Ryan dude doesn’t sound good live – and he obviously doesn’t know what a harmony is. Bev does her best with what she has to work with, but she can’t save the song. So she jumps Ryan and takes his wallet. Sweet revenge.

Say, “Uncle!”

Christina pays a short and sweet tribute to Beverly before turning to her fellow coaches and thanking them for all the good times and calling them the brothers she never had. Yes, Christina has put all of the competition and fighting behind her and cleaned up her act. And when I say she cleaned up, I mean it. Someone brushed her hair and put on a pretty dress, and she looks good.

How do you like me now, haters?

America likes to forgive, Christina, and you’ve earned it. Well, maybe we’re still a little mad about you screwing up the National Anthem, but we forgive you for everything else – even “Dirrty.”

Last but not least, we have Dia Frampton.  Even though Dia struggled in the Battle Round, Blake saw potential and kept her. But with her unusual renditions of “Heartless” and “Losing My Religion,” Blake realized Dia’s star power and took her under his wing. Now Dia’s blossomed from the super-shy contestant to a confident, visionary artist who’s topping the charts. But she’s not without controversy. Dia has been mum about her music career to date – but like Javier, she’s also been pounding the pavement for years. And according to some of our readers, her version of “Heartless” was very similar to another rendition performed on “American Idol” some time back. But love her or hate her, Dia has a beautiful voice and she’s here, dammit – and you’re not.

Blake’s wife must not be the jealous type, because she agrees to do a duet with her. And they sing “The House That Built Me,” which is ironic because Blake HATED that song during the blind auditions. He wouldn’t turn his chair for anyone who sang it. In Hollywood, we call that “playing favorites.”

They sound sweet and seem to like working together – they even give each other a hug at the end of the song. What with her honeymoon tan, perfectly styled hair and Barbie microphone, you wouldn’t believe that Miranda Lambert just gutted a deer right before taking the stage.

Hey Dia – do I have any blood stuck between my teeth?

Blake sends Miranda away so he can whisper sweet nothings to Dia. No, I’m just kidding. Plus I don’t want to get sued. Choking back tears, Blake calls Dia family and tells her he loves her. I hope Miranda likes the new addition to the family.

Finally, it’s time to reveal the winner. Not so fast, says Carson. First, we need to create some suspense. And we’ll do that by narrowing it down to the final two, who just happen to be Dia and Javier. Now for some statistics: It was a close race. In fact, it was so close, the top two finished withing two percent of each other, which caused this reaction:

Dia: Just cut to the chase and call my name already.

Dia is completely bored by this information. But at least she smiles a little when her name is called as one of the top two.The other two contestants and their coaches are whisked off the stage, which gives us the perfect opportunity to get a better glimpse at Cee Lo’s outfit.

I’m……and don’t you forget it!

But Carson’s not finished with his stats yet – even though he stresses this has nothing to do with the results, Javier’s original song hit #2 on iTunes. But hold your horses, Javier, because Dia’s song was #1. Oh, snap!

Adam and Blake are at the edge of their seats in anticipation. Wow. They are super-invested. I wonder if the winning judge gets a bonus for this. I wonder if they need it… And the winner of “The Voice” is:

Javier Colon!

Fireworks. Cheers. Confetti. Once Carson can pull Javier away from all of his well-wishers, Javier briefly thanks Adam, his family and everyone who voted for him. And that’s it. Credits roll.

The only thing missing is Javier’s family, who remains in the audience. The producers made the number one cardinal sin of reality television – not to reunite the winner with his family. He spent so much time talking about them that you would think somebody would kill for that tear-jerking moment, but there’s no time. There’s no time for much of anything, well… except for a shameless plug of Season Two of “The Voice.” I guess I’ll see you then…