The Voice: Nothing Can Shock Us Now!

Hey guys. So I’m pretty sure we got punked during this week’s episode of “The Voice.” The show opens on Carson Daly, doing his usual speechel about last week’s episode and what to expect this time around, which is pretty much the same as last episode. Get on with it, Carson – I just want to see the judges make another attempt at singing. I need something more interesting to write about.

Hey – where are they? Why are we being subjected to interviews by Cee Lo and Adam about their singers? And why is Carson introducing the judges while they are sitting in their seats? Why aren’t they backstage, warming up for their Brittney Spears/Ke$ha mash-up???

Because unfortunately, my friends, there will be no group performance from the foursome tonight. Nope, we have some serious business to get to – and that includes the results of who won last week’s performance. Why we need two hours to watch eight songs and hear four names called is beyond me, but the shirts who make the decisions haven’t listened to my ideas yet – so why start now?

Is it time to go home yet? Carson is putting me to sleep.

Now I don’t know about you, but I feel a little deceived. Carson explains that although two contestants from each team will be moving on, only one is doing so as the result of the audience’s votes. The other winner is chosen by his or her respective coach. I thought America took over from here and it was out of the judges’ hands. But I guess the producers of “The Voice” don’t trust us – so they’re leaving it up to the judges to pick their favorites so we don’t make the wrong choice. There’s an obvious conspiracy going on here. I haven’t felt this jilted since fake Bin Laden died.

Whatever. The good news is Christina is out of those hot pants and she looks tan and healthy. But she’s not totally in the clear. Somebody thought it would be a good idea to create a giant side braid – one that almost sticks straight out from the side of her head. Then they created a much smaller side braid on the other side of her scalp. I’m not sure who her hair person is, but he obviously has some issues with depth perception.

There’s no mirror in my dressing room.

After reliving Christina’s singers’ performances from the prior week and her comments (“Take off your pants”), Carson prepares to announce the winner. But not until he gabs some more with Christina about her girls. And of course, she cries. Well, not really. Like a true professional actress who starred in “Burlesque,” Christina chokes up and sniffs as she speaks of her love for her contestants. But she turns off the emotion immediately when she informs them that this is a business and a competition, so she really doesn’t care.

Maybe if I squint my eyes hard enough some tears will be squeezed out.

Carson is equally emotional, just standing there waiting for an answer. In trying to create a tense moment, Carson reveals he does not know who won – but he stresses the results are in an envelope in his left hand. Not his right hand – his left one.

I only use my left hand for this.

And America chooses…

Beverly McClellan.

Bev looks shocked – which is a surprise, because she’s appeared pretty confident so far. But she’s not surprised for long, since she congratulates herself and high-fives her poor teammates. Raquel is already crying. Now it’s Christina’s turn to make a decision – but she’s not going to do it without saying something nice about each of her girls. It’s just a formality, but she’s very complimentary. But in the end, someone needs to stick it to “American Idol,” so she chooses Frenchie Davis.

It’s bittersweet for Raquel and Lily – for them, the competition may be over, but they’re young and they have their whole lives ahead of them. As least they’re not 36 and single and recapping reality shows for a living, so they might as well make the most of their success now. Christina spends so much time saying goodbye to them Carson can’t get her to come over to the stage to congratulate the winners. In yet another awkward moment, he starts to announce, “And here they are,” before he realizes the camera is still on Christina and the castaways, and he continues to improvise for what seems like an eternity before Christina finally drags herself to the stage. But for Frenchie and Bev, they’re on to the next round – whatever that means.

Oops. Sorry. I didn’t mean to touch your boob there. I just got excited…

No episode of “The Voice” would be complete without checking in on the V-Room. Actually, the episode would probably be just fine, since we didn’t have it for the first six shows and they did ok. But Carson cuts to Allison, who exclaims there’s not a dry eye in the room. Actually, there are plenty of dry eyes. Most of the eyes belong to the contestants singing tonight, and they are actually wide and filled with fear. Anyway, Allison asks more dumb questions and gets more dumb answers.

Allison: Patrick, what’s it like knowing two of you are going home after this show?
Patrick: It’s awful, you idiot. Geez.

Oh, and you have to wait until the end of the show to see who wins from Team Blake – although I’m sure you already know.

SO MUCH has happened and we haven’t even heard anybody sing yet. So let’s get on with it. We start with the Bobsey twins – sorry, the Thompson sisters. You know, Tori and Taylor… I still haven’t figured out who’s who yet but that doesn’t matter. I can’t imagine they’re gonna last beyond this episode with the song that Cee Lo gave them. They’re dressed up like cigarette girls and singing the Andrew Sisters’ “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B,” which was a really popular song 70 years ago. It’s a perfect song for two teenagers who likely have never even heard of WWII. The girls aren’t only not familiar with it, but they’re concerned about pace and choreography. Luckily, they’ve brought in Hi-Hat (really?), master choreographer to reality television. And she provides sound advice you should give to any young girl who’s come to Hollywood with nothing but her dreams: “Just keep your legs together.”

Yep, that’s what she said. Well, she probably said a lot of things, but that’s what made it to air. But the song is cute, and they gave it the ol’ American try. As far as I saw, they didn’t mess up any steps and really performed their little hearts out, so they should be proud when they’re sent home next week.

Didn’t we tell you? The consolation prize is enlistment in the Army.

Apparently it was Flag Day, which Carson said made Cee Lo a mad genius. I say it was pure luck. Regardless, the judges give them nice feedback – with the exception of Blake, who felt Cee Lo was a sick, twisted man for making these poor girls dress like military prostitutes (and I know they exist because my dad said everyone had to visit one before they went to Vietnam). Oh, and Christina gave them a back-handed compliment by suggesting they stole ideas from her “Candyland” video. But otherwise, they were complimentary.

Casey Weston is singing “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” by K.T. Tunstall. Casey is the perfect fit for Team Adam – her speaking voice doesn’t match her singing voice either. Yes, she sings beautifully, but when she opens her mouth to speak the only beings on earth who can properly hear her are canines.

If we unite our evil vocal powers, together we can take over the world!

Casey sounds good during rehearsals, but Adam suggests she needs to step up her energy to make the performance more fun. It’s out of her comfort zone, since Casey excels at singing slow, haunting ballads while rocking out on her guitar. I’m not sure if this episode is all about sabotage, because I kinda liked her original version better. But she’s good either way. Casey reminds me of a young Sheryl Crow, minus all the relationship drama, and I think she’s a little under-rated in this competition. To enhance her performance, the show provides her with a backdrop of … what else? Black horses and cherry trees. So if she loses next week, you know why.

Surprisingly, the judges are a little harder on Casey. Christina seems to compliment everything about the performance but her, while Cee Lo tells her she’s no where near as good as his team members. Ouch! Seriously, Cee Lo, you’re going to rag on Casey but praise the Thompson sisters? I’ve officially lost all respect for you, man…

And it doesn’t help that you’re wearing THAT…

On the other hand, Blake is starting to look very attractive right about now. He downloads her song on the spot. The guy’s done a total 180 since his first few episodes on “The Voice.” Too bad I didn’t realize how perfect he was before he got married… To further increase my lust, Blake just keeps getting funnier. After putting Carson in his place, Blake reveals he’s been drinking the entire show. It’s a very touching moment in the afterschool special – you know, the part when the alcoholic burned-out country star reveals he has a problem and vows to get it fixed after hitting rock bottom? Thank you, Blake, for making me laugh… and cry.

Now it’s on to Vicci Martinez. She was an early favorite, but it’s been so long since she’s performed I can hardly remember her. Cee Lo provides yet another whammy of a song by hooking her up with “Jolene” by… Dolly Parton. And he’s gonna have her dress like Richard Simmons and sweat to the oldies while she’s at it. No, I’m just kidding. My grandma loves Richard, but since she doesn’t have the internet, I guess she’ll never read this anyway, so it stays…

Anyhoo, Vicci is good, but after watching last week’s performances, she knows she needs to bring it if she wants to compare to Raquel and Patrick. Vicci makes her performance different – ok, no she doesn’t. So also sings a haunting ballad with her guitar, which she gives up on and ditches right away. It sounds probably as good as Casey would have sounded if she had been allowed to sing her way. But Vicci sounds great – and her performance is complimented by eerie lights and lit candelabras. You know, if Casey had better mood lighting, I bet the judges would have seen her in a whole new light…

Whatever you do, make sure you keep the two big hand statues in the shot. It adds to the ambience.

The judges love Vicci! She had so much emotion, etc., etc. The only thing that goes horribly wrong during the judges’ feedback session is when Christina can’t pronounce “ambience.” You know, if Christina had messed up her words during Casey’s feedback session… oh, never mind.

Next up is Devon Barley, the kid who gave up on medical school to pursue his dreams. And I don’t blame him – I gave up on popping out babies and making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the rest of my life to do the same, so I understand. According to his coach Adam, Devon holds back too much. But there’s a reason for that, explains Devon. He lacks confidence and has a fear of being vulnerable. Adam has a quick fix for that – he shows him how to stand on stage, so… problem solved. Regardless, Devon is prepared to strip away all of his fears during his performance of “Stop and Stare” by OneRepublic, which should make a horny Christina Aguilera very happy.

I’ve noticed during these performances that most of the singers extend their one of their hands to the audience to touch them, and the concert-goers react as if they were touching Bono. It’s amazing to me that unknown singers performing covers can get this kind of reaction, but I guess we live in a world where reality TV producers choose our idols for us.

OMG Devon Barley touched me. I’m never washing this hand again.

But enough of my cynical nonsense. Christina notices that he stripped away his insecurities and calls him sexy, then gets in a fight with Cee Lo over whether he’s sexy or not. Well, I’m not sure if that’s exactly what happened – perhaps if Christina had given Cee Lo a chance to speak without interrupting him we wouldn’t have known his thoughts. But the only opinion that really matters is Devon’s coach Adam Levine, who calls him pitchy. Perhaps if Devon had focused more on the notes and less on stripping he wouldn’t have had that problem.

BTW, reminds Carson, Adam was on Jay Leno last night to promote the show. It’s a shameless plug to remind us that “The Voice” is still very popular and getting tons of publicity. So in your face, those of you who have commented you no longer like “The Voice”. If Jay Leno believes the show is still a hit, you better agree with him – or you’re fired.

I’m sorry – how many more singers do we have left? Four? Geez, we haven’t even gotten to the part where the coach sings with his team – oh, ok here we are. So Cee Lo takes his team to a spa for a little R&R and free advice, which was very nice of him. They have a pow-wow, but I can’t recall what was said because I was terribly distracted by the team’s choice of dress. All of the teammates are uncomfortably dressed in robes – except for Cee Lo, who looks like a mafia boss in his kimono, large necklace and over-sized pinky ring. Cee Lo informs his team that they have to murder the other contestants in order to achieve their goals. Not much is said after that, as a team of massage therapists come in to massage the group – who sit silently, taking in his remarks. They all know what they have to do now.

Once you kiss this ring and become part of the family, there is no going back…

You’d never know of their evil plan by their choice of song, which is that upbeat 1968 hit “Everyday People.” Dressed as hippies and (most of them) playing their own instruments, Team Cee Lo seems to be paying homage to “The Partridge Family,” who were the epitome of family values back in the 70s. And drugs and anorexia, but who’s counting?

But you know, it doesn’t matter. This song is about love and acceptance in the face of competitive singing, dammit, and everyone seems to be having a good time. Christina has put aside her differences with the other judges, Blake actually seems to be moving to the beat of the music and Cee Lo is so happy he’s sprouted a whole new head of hair:

Dy-na-mite!

Even better, there’s no Carson Daly asking the judges for comment. The Bobsey twins don’t even seem to mind that they’ve been reduced to background singers. Yep, it’s all good.

But not for long. Allison must have some sort of contract, because Carson decides it’s time to cut to the V-Room again. According to Allison, Vicci and Devon are trending worldwide on Twitter® at that very moment, which is useless if you’re behind the times and writing your recap three days after the live show aired. Allison manages to ask Jeff a fan question – which he doesn’t answer and states he’s just waiting on the illegal Thompson sister to grow up so he can bang her. Or babysit her. He doesn’t elaborate, and one can never be sure with Jeff.

How YOU doin’?

It doesn’t take much to creep Carson Daly out – but he recovers well and introduces Nakia, who’s about to sing “Sex on Fire” by the Kings of Leon. Cee Lo obviously thinks Nakia is his top contender – but I think it’s more about Nakia’s fashion sense than his voice.

I always wear my sunglasses indoors.

Good choice. Good choice.

It’s hard to explain to you exactly what Nakia does onstage. Let’s just say he knows how to work the stage – but so do most strippers, and I’m not sure I want to see that either. He emerges from the bright lights only to rip off his sunglasses and stare intensely into the camera. During an especially dramatic pause during the song, he manages to awkwardly pratfall onto the ground – but I have to hand it to him – Nakia never breaks eye contact with that camera. It’s as if he’s making love to it.

Could someone get a fluffer over here? I can’t seem to get back up on my own.

Yes, Nakia has it all together. With his one name (like Madonna), his smooth moves (like Justin Timberlake) and his effortless ability to act and sing at the same time (like Justin Timberlake), Nakia is a star in the making. Too bad he looks like Ron Jeremy.

Regardless, the judges love him. At least I think they love him. Carson skips over Adam and Christina to save time, so we’ll never really know how they feel. But when Nakia pointed at him and sang, “Your sex is on fire,” Blake felt the burn. I’m not sure what kind of kinky things Blake was doing during his bachelor party, but I think he may have contracted something.

Well, we’ve rocked out and had some laughs, but now it’s time for the sappy part of the show. Jeff Jenkins is singing “Jesus Takes the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood. It’s dedicated to his mom, who passed away recently, so unfortunately I can’t make fun of it. Sorry, dead moms are completely off limits. If you’re a crier, you’ll start bawling at the start of the song, which he precedes with, “This is for you, mom.” If not, you might roll your eyes, but you’d be completely heartless to not appreciate his voice. Jeff is a belter with a strong voice. So if you’re into gospel/country music, you might want to check him out.

He gets a standing ovation at the end from Adam and Carson tells him his mom would be proud. Then Christina makes him explain the reason behind this song, which represented the hard time he went through after she passed. Although he gets choked up, Jeff manages to get through it all without crying. Luckily, Carson manages to break the ice with useless info. We’re so lucky to have you here to get us back on track, Carson.

Shut up. It’s my turn to talk now.

Oh, and Happy Father’s Day, by the way…

Adam doesn’t treat his singers to massages. Instead, he has everyone over to his mansion for lettuce and water. If they’re going to be rock stars, they have to learn how to eat like one. He writes in their yearbooks that they’re friends and he’ll always keep in touch with them. We’ll see how that pans out.

Adam and his group attempts to sing “With a Little Help from My Friends” – by The Beatles, mind you – but they’re completely overshadowed by a gospel choir – a high school gospel choir, mind you! The choir does most of the singing, with Team Adam throwing out a verse here and there. I wonder if the high school gospel choir gets any royalties when you download this song on iTunes?

According to their position in the background, I highly doubt it.

Curtis Grimes is the last of Team Cee Lo to perform, and he’s out of his country element with Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love.” My mom loves Robert Palmer, but I don’t think she’d like this version. Cee Lo tells Curtis he needs to be sexy, and that’s not gonna happen by the time he gets to the stage. So to fix the problem, they hire cowgirls dressed in daisy dukes to dance in the background. And by Curtis’ reaction, you would think he’s never seen a sexy cowgirl before.

Te he. I had four girls with me!

No, seriously, that’s what he said! Somebody is very, very proud of himself. And Blake and Adam are totally jealous of him – Adam is jealous because Curtis has a deep voice, and Blake is jealous because Curtis gets to score with random chicks while Blake is stuck with his ball and chain. Now that he knows that sex sells, Curtis volunteers to take his pants off for Christina. Well, you know how riled up that makes Christina, who goes off on a rampage. She teases Cee Lo that all of his songs were sexual, which causes Cee Lo to defend himself with, “I’m a sexual person.”

Show of hands: How many people didn’t want to know that?
I thought so…

Poor Carson. He has lost all control. No one is able to reel Christina in and she just keeps making it worse by talking and talking. Curtis looks extremely embarrassed. It’s a horrible dilemma – does Curtis spend the night with a girl he finds really annoying just to get laid or pass on free sex to prevent himself from being subjected to her incessant talking? I’m not sure it’s worth several hours of hell for 30 seconds of pleasure.

Thank God for Javier Colon, who’s doing what he does best: Singing ballads originally performed by female artists. This time around he’s showing off his range with Sara McLachlan’s “Angel.” Javier has been one of the front runners in the competition for a while, so they must have saved the best for last. Well, Javier isn’t perfect – as Adam reveals during rehearsal. Javier has a tendency to overdo it when he sings, and Adam is trying to scale him back a bit.

What a horrible time to be constipated.

Javier doesn’t listen, but it doesn’t matter. Javier hits every high note in the book – and the dude can really play piano. The violins are a nice touch, too. The audience and judges eat it up. There’s really no reason to get into the judges’ feedback – just know that Javier is perfect. He’s perfect in every way.

Alrighty, it’s time to reveal the winners of Team Blake. And America chooses…

Dia Frampton.

Well, Dia Frampton doesn’t return the love, America. She looks totally embarrassed that you even voted for her at all, and she has very little to say to you. Blake’s not surprised, though. Apparently, Dia’s song blew up on iTunes. Now it’s his turn to choose who moves onto to next round. To balance out Dia’s personality, Blake chooses Xenia, who silently joins Dia at center stage. This is going to make for some exciting semi-finals, folks.

Well, says Carson, I didn’t know if anybody saw that coming. Carson! Where have you been the past eight weeks? Were you sleeping during all of the performances?

Oh, sorry. Yes, yes you were. My bad.

Well, since I guess Dia and Xenia have nothing else to say, that’s it. Good bye!