The Voice Recap: Cooler than that other show

***Please welcome whatwhat to kick some ass on The Voice! 

Last time on The Voice, some people were picked to sing for the chance at a recording contract, some people slobbered over Christina’s cleavage, and we got to see little Tony Lucca all grown up from his days on the Mickey Mouse Club with Christina. Tony did not go with Boobs for his coach, unlike everyone else, but Christina isn’t holding anything against him. Including her boobs.

And for a really freaky moment, check out this video of Christina and Tony warbling away and marvel at the fact that Christina Aguilera sounds exactly the same today as she did when she was thirteen years old. It’s almost but not quite as disturbing as watching Fergie in her Kids Incorporated days singing Lionel Richie to a clown in a dark deserted alley.

Just in case you forgot what show this is, Carson Daly is here to remind you that The Voice is a billion times better, more refined, elegant, and way smarter than those other singing reality shows.

WE GOTS PPL SING GUD GUYS

And just when you thought it was safe, Cee-Lo has removed his glasses. There is something unholy and altogether unsettling about glasses-less Cee-Lo, and the red sparkly suit only helps with the vague Satan vibe he’s got going on.

Plus we’re about to hear the judges sing a medley of Prince songs, so I guess it’s kind of like being in hell.

The BLIND AUDITIONS BEGIN…now. Just in case you were wondering what makes The Voice different from all the other singing shows out there, auditions are done with the judge’s backs to the people that are auditioning. If the judges like what they hear, they hit a button, turn around, and that person is on their team. If more than one judge turns around, the hapless auditionee gets to pick which judge will be their coach in the competition. Supposedly this is so that a person is judged on their singing prowess alone, but we all know that a guy in skin-tight pants or a chick with tatas out to here will invariably get the crowd going, which means the judges have something to go on besides just…THE VOICE.

Want to know the other difference? These guys aren’t just some schmucks that wandered in off the street. They were all invited to perform after submitting a tape. Which means that we mostly get people with some performing experience that have sung before. Which also means

We don’t have to listen to people like this

Now if that makes you think this is a boring show, it’s okay. The lack of horrible people to gape open-mouthed in utter horror at is replaced by the looks on the judges faces at the precise moment they realize they didn’t turn around for someone really hot. Or turned around for someone who wasn’t hot at all.

Our first audition today is a duo! Hailey and Leland perform as The Line, and they are quick to point out they are not a couple. Or rather the blonde is quick to point out that the duo started because he had romantic intentions towards her, but it “turned into something that was more than that … a writing relationship.” Bets on which one said let’s just be friends!

Honey, The Line is the thing between you and those.

I like it when duos come up to perform, because the judges never know there’s two people until the second starts singing. And Blake hits the button before Hailey even opens her mouth, and is quite surprised to find two people up there! They kill American Girl, and Christina and Cee-Lo both turn around, followed shortly by Adam. Uhoh, choices choices! I wonder which one they will take?

Boobs, duh

Blake cracks me up by immediately confirming this. “I think they were fooled by flash…and boobs.”

Next up is Jamar Rogers, singing Seven Nation Army. Jamar has a story of course – he cleaned up six years ago from drug use, and he’s now HIV positive. He spends his days volunteering, and honestly this guy is pretty cool and down to earth and gosh darn it I like him and my inner cynic hates me for it but my inner cynic can shove it.

How can you hate this FACE?

He doesn’t get to pick from the judges because Cee-Lo is the only one to turn around, but that’s okay because Cee-Lo is apparently his idol and the reason he even sent in an application in the first place, and therefore he couldn’t be happier with the coach he ended up with. I’m happy for him, dude’s got a killer voice.

Next we get Neal Middleton, who has a wife and two kids and no medical insurance and fell off a building and got better. I don’t particularly care for his story, but oh man do I love his hat. Seriously, this hat is a work of art.

Goddamn that is a fine fine hat

Neal sings I Heard It Through the Grapevine…well, he kind of screams it into the microphone. He isn’t bad, because none of these people are really bad, but he’s not really anything special. I’m bummed because I wanted to see what other kinds of crazy headgear this dude has in his closet. Goodbye Neal, I will miss you. And your hat. Uh oh, it’s that time – the time where we see other people that didn’t make the cut. Apparently this isn’t the day for cool hats, because TJ-in-a-fedora doesn’t get anyone to turn around. Then we have Aly, who hatlessly bleats an enthusiastic but uninspiring version of Because the Night, and Sam Jones, who has both an uninspiring voice and an uninspiring hat.

And now, we meet Gwen Sebastian, who is from North Dakota and has absolutely no accent whatsoever even though she’d like to make you think maybe she does because it’s funny. It isn’t. Her terrible terrible trials involve giving up having a baby for music. …no really, this is a heartbreaking decision? This is what you’re so bent out of shape over? Honey all it takes is a T&T marathon to make my uterus clamp down like a steel trap and I cannot say I am exactly broken up about this.

All the birth control you will ever need

Gwen sings Stay, and she’s very good, gets three judges to turn around, and ultimately picks Blake after a saccharine bawlfest about how she loves all four judges and respects them and gosh she’s just so honored to be able to sing for them and forget for just a moment how much her uterine walls are aching to be the best babycannon they can possibly be.

Then we get Pamela Rose. Her mom is a single mom, and the two of them love each other very much and I know this is supposed to tug at my heartstrings but I only have one left and I’m sorry but Jamar got it before you did. She gives an overly breathy performance of Already Gone and doesn’t manage to impress any of the judges. Until they turn around and Cee-Lo realizes just what he missed out on.

Down boy, I didn’t push the damn button

They gently point out her pitch issues and tell her she’s hot before sending her on her way. Now last year, the judges went all the way through the auditionees and they were still missing members for their team, so the producers brought some people back. I am guessing that if they do the same this year, we will be seeing Pamela again.

Then we get Kim Yarbrough. She’s 50.

TELL ME WHERE THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH IS I KNOW YOU HAVE IT SOMEWHERE LADY

Kim is sassy and amazing and for some reason everyone keeps pointing out “OH MAN BEING 50 IS SUCH A TRIAL” when it really isn’t. I am still seriously awestruck at this lady. I mean holy crap if I look anything like that at age 50 I will be – well, likely I will wonder how I transformed from a death-pale ginger to a gorgeous and sassy black woman but THE POINT STILL STANDS.

Kim has…an amazing voice. And that’s putting it lightly. She belts the hell out of Tell Me Something Good and gets both Adam and Christina to turn around.

And gets Cee-Lo off

Despite her vocal similarities to Christina, she goes with Adam. Please note, Adam keeps reminding all of these auditionees that he won The Voice last year. Anyone remember who the winning singer was? Anybody heard anything from him since then? …anyone?

Next is Angie Johnson, who was in the Air Force and got into the Air Force Band. One of her performances was uploaded to Youtube, and suddenly she was a sensation – a sensation that Carson Daly noticed and tweeted about. Angie’s nervous, but she’s hoping she’ll do well. She sings Heartbreaker, which is a freakin hard song to sing. The only judge that turns around is Cee-Lo, and he’s perfectly delighted with what he’s found on the other side of his chair.

Papa Cee-Lo likey

Now we’ve got Dez Duron, who is going to perform I Want it That Way and oh my god guys seriously you have no idea how much it hurt not to hit the fast forward button. Not because Dez is bad but because I seriously hate that song with every fiber of my being and reminds me of the days I did pizza delivery and got to hear it roughly eight million times per delivery. Dez is a football player who took a semester off from Yale and football to go sing on this show.

Dez bleats Backstreet Boys like the littlest billy goat and nobody turns around until the song is over, at which point Blake starts screaming at Christina that Dez is a good looking guy and Christina is pissed she didn’t turn around and everyone is yelling at Adam for not turning around and it’s mass chaos. Dez wanders off into the sunset, and Adam points out that we haven’ t heard a bad singer today. I’m fine with that Adam! DON’T JINX IT ADAM!

Unless we count that Prince tribute

Lindsey is from Sacramento and grew up playing violin and listening to Radiohead, Fiona Apple, Nirvana, and Incubus, which means I like her. Go Lindsey! She sings Say Aah, and she has…the weirdest voice. It’s one of those delightful breathy squeaky bizarre little voices and reminds me of Fiona Apple.

No sob story so I immediately like her

She gets Christina to immediately turn around, followed by Cee-Lo and Blake. The only person that doesn’t turn around is Adam, who has been moaning on all show about how he wants a really unique voice but apparently he refuses to turn around when one really awesome unique voice comes along. YOUR LOSS, ADAM. Lindsey goes with Christina.

Next up is Hoja Lopez. Hoja is the black sheep of her family and a little different from the rest of them.

I have no idea what she’s talking about. 

Hoja is apparently terribly wrapped up in being different and how it’s this super huge hurdle she’s had to deal with her entire singing career and she hopes she inspires teenagers to realize that being a good person and being talented is totally enough to get you by in the world. Except that she has decided to sing Katy Perry. She has decided to sing Katy Perry in the wrong key. If there is one thing I have learned from the years of singing loudly in my car with the windows up so that nobody else can hear me, it is that the only person who can properly sing a Katy Perry song is Katy Perry, and Hoja is a perfect illustration of this. Nobody turns around, and Hoja is sent on her way.

Don’t get excited, it’s the dude in back that’s auditioning

Remember how I said the people auditioning were all people that had experience in one form or another? Our next performer is a perfect example of this. He’s Jermaine Paul, who also just happens to be an opening act and backup singer for Alicia Keys. He totally wants a solo career though, so he’s on The Voice, and Alicia has sent an encouraging video to cheer him on. He sings Complicated and seriously this guy is the absolute last person I would ever expect to see singing Avril Lavigne, but he pretty much kills it. Cee-Lo and Blake turn around. And in oddest choice ever, Jermaine goes with Blake. …I’m not sure what he expects the country singer to do for him, but I don’t blame him. Blake’s got purty eyes.

I heard, that you settled down, that you heard this
song, about eighty billion times on the radio

Last up is Angel Taylor, and thank god we’ve got at least one person who’s going to sing Adele here because it isn’t a reality singing competition show if at least one person doesn’t sing the one song that is super popular right now. Angel’s mother took Angel and her siblings and fled from their abusive father when Angel was 12, and they never went back. I can’t really make a snarky crack about that.

So Angel sings a particularly moving if overly breathy version of Someone Like You, and Adam turns around before the chorus even kicks in – but the chorus causes both Cee-Lo and Blake to hit their buttons. Angel has to make a choice, and she decides to go with Adam, despite having an admittedly massive and totally understandable crush on Blake.

And that’s it for the second round of auditions – we’re halfway through them now. Keep in mind, these guys have to pick 12 contestants each from the auditions. Adam now has three, Blake’s got three, Cee-Lo’s got three, and Christina’s got four. All those people that didn’t make it will probably be seen again if the judges don’t stop bickering with each other and start pushing those buttons. Next week however is more new people.

Cee-Lo needs more pus…singers

See you next week!

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