The Voice Recap: The skank Bret Michaels turned away

This week on The Voice: More blind auditions, less judges singing Prince songs to the relief and rejoicing of all. Instead, Carson decides to let us play the “Would you turn around for this person?” game, and leaves poor Sarah with a blanked out face. She talks about being turned down by labels because of how she looks, and how she hates it when she’s judged on her appearance, and how it’s not all about looks. I find it strangely ironic that they choose to blank out the one person who openly talks about being rejected for their looks, so we don’t have to look at the hideousness.

She sings Lady Gaga’s You and I. So far, we’ve heard the obligatory Katy Perry and the obligatory Adele, so I suppose it’s about time we hear Gaga. She’s not bad, I suppose – not really my taste, she’s got a kind of strange bleating quality to her voice. But Cee-Lo and Blake turn around. Now let’s be perfectly honest here – Sarah is not a looker. She is sweet, she is not hideous, but she is not a looker. And Blake and Cee-Lo both disappoint me by going on and on about her unique and refreshing voice and steadfastly avoid saying anything at all about how she looks.

As opposed to last week’s inordinate drooling

Cee-Lo saves himself in my eyes by flirting with her a little, and she ends up choosing him because “He was a little inappropriate, and I was like all right, we gotta hang.” Because Sarah is apparently pretty inappropriate herself. I can’t wait to see how these two get along.

Next we get Elley, who is the second person this season to fall to the teal dress curse. Elley is 19 and decided to quit school in her senior year to sing, and her parents said “Okay you do that.”

Look, the teal dress has already spoken, kid.

Turns out they are home-schooling her, which is infinitely better than her quitting school entirely. She sings Mercy, and uh … she’s not that good guys. Her first note is a cracked, raspy, horrid affair, and the rest of the song isn’t much better. As per the teal dress, nobody turns around, despite a valiant effort at a last-minute gigantic note, which she does manage to nail. All the judges are somewhat annoyed that they didn’t turn around, and they think she’s awfully sweet and nice, and wish they had done so. Poor kid. This is what you get for wearing teal.

And next we have … Pip.

It’s a T.V. promo, Pip. They aren’t talking about you.

Can we talk, Pip? Number one, you need to have a serious conversation with your parents, because that name is genuinely awful. Unless of course it’s a nickname, in which case we need to have a serious conversation about your choice in cool nicknames. Carson tells Pip his style is cool. Carson is a moron. Regardless, Pip decides to sing House of the Rising Sun, which is one of my very most favorite songs to sing in the car with the windows up where nobody can hear me, and he nails it. That kid and his suspenders and bowtie and gangly appearance are nothing like the smooth voice coming out of his mouth. Holy cow. Adam turns around immediately, followed by Blake, and then Christina and Cee-Lo almost immediately after that.

Pip can’t decide, so he goes with Adam because Adam turned around first, and the rest of the judges kick themselves. Christina whines like a little whiny pissy bitch that Adam is a salesman. Bitch.

HAIR TWIN YAY

Next up is Erin Willett, and I love her forever because she is my HAIR TWIN. Except my hair’s a little more copper but otherwise HAIR TWIN. Erin continues to hold and keep my love as well as the one heartstring I have (Sorry Jamar but today is all about Erin) because she talks about her relationship with her father and how her father was just diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer and I cannot, I cannot rip on this chick, ever. I can’t. She’s my hair twin and my soul twin (Although I lost my mother, not my father), and dude she fuckin nails I Want You Back like it’s no big deal.

Blake’s the only one that turned around for her, and she’s happy she gets him, and she gives a tearful hug to her dad backstage and I weep buckets like a little goddamn pussy because seriously Erin is killing me here and I love her.

Hug your daddy Hair Twin. Hug him every day forever.

I need a tissue. God dammit I hate it when shows make me emotional. Thank god they decided to follow it up with fake-ass contrived bullshit.

I SNEAK GUD K GUYZ

Carson Daly is on his way to “totally surprise” Katrina Parker who works a job in a cubicle and is far too well dressed and put together to not have known this “totally amazing surprise” was coming. Not to mention they interview her. Oh, and they film her in her cubicle while she’s waiting. Carson fake sneaks up to fake nonchalant Katrina in her possibly fake cubicle to present her with the little red envelope, and Katrina reacts with fake surprise, and her coworkers show up to fake clap their delight that she’s getting out of the secretarial hellhole they’re all stuck in.

“Oh my GOD, look at all of YOU,” Katrina brays sarcastically with a big ass fake smile on her face, wondering why her coworkers were deemed worthy to share her moment in the super special fake surprise spotlight. Katrina then lets us know it was insane and she was “completely shocked,” and I go find a mop to wipe up the floor because she’s dripping sarcasm all over the carpet.

Badass plays his own guitar, how’s THAT, judges

But before we can get to Katrina’s singing, David Grace has entered the building. Another football player, David’s family has a musical background – his father was a musician. David’s been singing for about three years, following in his Dad’s footsteps. David continues stepping all the way up to the stage for a rousing performance of Sweet Home Alabama, which is another song I really really like. Thankfully, David doesn’t murder the song. Not so thankfully, NONE OF THE JUDGES TURN AROUND. I’m not happy with this.

I love how Christina immediately says “I was trying to get THESE TWO to TURN AROUND because I thought you would be great FOR THEM,” and trying to weasel her way out of the fact that she didn’t push her button either. David leaves. I am sad. I liked David.

HI ME AND MY SHITTY HAIR RUN THE TWITTER FEED I JUST WANT TO REMIND YOU I EXIST

Now we get to listen to fake-ass Katrina, who has decided to sing One of Us, a song that I absolutely detest. Blergh. But first we have to listen to her sob story about how she got sick because there was hidden mold in her house and she couldn’t sing for two years and I pretty much hate you Katrina. Redeem yourself. SING FOR ME.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Katrina rasps, breaths, and squawks her way through the song with a set of fake facial expressions and I vomit a little in my mouth. Adam gets a cramp during his nap and wakes up to a shitty singer beaming at him. All of the other judges managed to stay awake and avoid pushing their buttons, thankfully. Cee-Lo hits on her, pulling the sly smooth Cee-Lo ladykiller act to a giggling fake Katrina, and Adam immediately puts a halt to Cee-Lo’s flirting in an attempt to make it look like he really chose this woman on the merit of her voice rather than an accidental sleep seizure.

Okay, the next contestant makes up for Adam’s Miss Fake. Geoff McBride is 51, doesn’t much look like it, and wears sunglasses not because it’s cool, but because he’s got an old boxing injury that tore his retina. Geoff, it doesn’t matter, you still look like a badass. Also your children are utterly adorable.

Please keep your hands off the children Carson

Geoff belts out an awesome rendition of Higher Ground, grabbing the attention of the audience from the first huge note, and Christina turns around. This does not give Geoff pause, and he wanders back and forth, singing directly to the audience and getting a huge reaction out of them. Man, Geoff’s a performer, and Cee-Lo turns around too – however, Geoff decides to go with Christina.

OH MY GOSH GUYS IT’S TIME FOR ERIN MARTIN

Tyra needs to teach this bitch about ugly-pretty

Erin Martin used to be a model. Erin Martin thinks she is adorable and cute and would like everyone to know it. Erin Martin was rejected on the first episode of the second season of Rock of Love because she bored the shit out of Bret Michaels by yapping on and on about the importance of MySpace in her music career. Oh don’t think I don’t have a video to show this amazing moment in time to you. I love you all too much. Hop forward to 1:38, or better yet, just watch the whole thing because this is what Erin Martin willingly agreed to appear on.

Isn’t Erin just oozing with class?

Bret Michaels reject aside, Erin states that all of the labels she’s been to said she needed development, which apparently told her that she needed a coach. Generally speaking I’d assume that means you need singing lessons, honey.

Erin has decided to dress up in a ridiculous heap of an outfit and is super happy that she won’t be judged on how she looks because we all know it’s SO HARD TO BE BEAUTIFUL but she follows that up with saying that she hopes they turn around and go all “OMG!” Hate her.

The precise moment Cee-Lo gets a little boner

Blake hears her approach and says “Sounds like heels.” Cee-Lo replies with a particularly creepy “You’re riiiiiiiight” and a lust-fueled smile that makes me vaguely uncomfortable. Not quite as uncomfortable as Erin’s voice, however. She … I really don’t want to use the word “sing” here. She does some weird ass rendition of Hey There Delilah and good lord I completely understand why the labels told her she needed development because she isn’t freakin singing here guys! Blake turns around immediately. Cee-Lo turns around after because Blake is apparently really happy with what he’s seeing and Cee-Lo wants to see the whatever in heels that gave Blake a happy.

Cee-Lo nearly makes a mess in his lap over this bizzare non-singing squawking thing with legs, Blake offers to be her coach, she goes with Cee-Lo because hey you know, if you can’t get Bret Michaels all up in your vagina you might as well go with Cee-Lo, right?

“Wake up pussy, I got some kitty! Wait – reverse that”

And we continue the cavalcade of weird ass singers with James Massone, who is from Boston and speaks with your typical gonna pahk the cah in the yahd Boston accent. He works in a garahhhge with his fahtha, who tells the kid to pahk the cah in the yahd and James really wants to just go sing and not be in the garahhhge. With his fahhhhtha. Who wants him to follow his heaaaahrt.

No really his dad fuckin said it

And James decides to nasally sing Find Your Love and I’m sorry guys, I fast forwarded through the majority of his performance because it was just bad, to my ears. Not to the judges ears however, because all of them turn around except for Adam. I don’t even know what they’re thinking here because this kid really isn’t much of a singer guys. He isn’t. I shouldn’t call him a kid, he’s 23, but he looks like he’s 12. James decides to go with Cee-Lo, who is happy but not quite as happy as he was with the model.

Now we get another Special Surprise Fake Delivery for Winter Rae, who is tattooed all over, has blue hair, and looks like a total badass. She is perfectly delighted to drop the tray of drinks she was going to serve at the bowling alley where she works, and she’s much better at faking surprise.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I AM SO FAKE SURPRISED IT IS YOU

Winter surprises me by singing Take A Bow, which is not really my favorite song. She sings okay, but she’s bottoming out on all the low notes and I really wish she’d picked something different to sing. None of the judges turn around, and I’m not really surprised – it was not a very good performance. I hope they bring her back for a second chance and she sings something that is more in her range. However I hope she leaves her bestest friend Perez Hilton at home because I get a sudden urge to scrub my body with bleach every time I see his face and I’m feeling a little raw right now.

Next up is Chris Cauley, who is going to sing Grenade. I’m ambivalent over this song – sometimes I like it, sometimes I wish I could never hear it again because they play it on the radio here all the freakin time. Chris is a sweetheart though, and his biggest influence is his grandmother, who was a bluegrass musician and passed away in January. Chris has a video of his grandmother playing and singing, and aw, it’s awfully sweet.

This wholesome family memory was brought to you by Sprint™

Chris does a decent job and actually makes the song into more of a slow-rock type thing, which is interesting. Cee-Lo and Adam both turn around for him, and he goes with Adam. We get a quick flash of an awkward looking Nathan Parrett and barely get to hear him sing The Joker, and then we get Brian Fuente, who barely gets to sing a little of Paris before being shown as chosen by Blake. And then we get a glimpse of Moses Stone, who is an MC and does a version of Let’s Get Started, winning Christina’s favor. She blathers on about how it was a first for The Voice and how he gives The Voice a whole new meaning.

What I am silently wondering is why we didn’t get to see full versions of any of these guys’ performances, and instead had to suffer through Miss Fake and the Magical Red Envelope. All I can gather is that the producers fucking hate me.

These guys must have the best family reunions

Lastly, we’ve got Jordis Unga. Jordis’ father is Tongan and her mother is Swedish and they are the weirdest looking match but the most adorable couple. Her father ‘s side of the family is musical, and her parents have always supported her music. Jordis doesn’t really have a sob story, and I’m terribly happy about that – she just wants to be a good musician and do something that will make her parents proud, and that’s sweet.

And Jordis sings Maybe I’m Amazed, which Adam is a huge fan of and so am I. I’m a sucker for McCartney. Blake turns around immediately, and holy hell Jordis totally kills this song, you can tell she’s pouring her whole heart into the thing. Christina and Cee-Lo both hit their buttons at the same time, and oddly enough, Adam doesn’t turn around! What the hell Adam, you love this song and she kills it and you don’t turn around but you turn around for Miss Fake? Seriously? Adam said he thought about pushing it but everyone else turned around already and Christina butts in to talk about how amazing she is and how amazing Jordis is and how she totally wants Jordis on her team.

“I WILL PAY ATTENTION TO YOU. I WILL GET A RING WITH YOUR NAME ON IT TO WEAR ON MY OTHER HAND. SO I REMEMBER YOU.”

Blake, however, says that Jordis is the type of singer that makes him excited to be a singer, and Jordis ultimately goes with him, despite Christina going on and blabbering about how she will give Jordis time and attention. Shut up Christina, nobody cares, Blake is awesome, Jordis will hopefully do well with him.

Next week is the last week of BLIND AUDITIONS. As it stands, Blake, Cee-Lo and Christina each need six more acts to fill out their teams, and Adam needs another five. This likely means that next week’s episode is going to be full of fast-forward picks interspersed with reruns of people that didn’t get picked the first time around because these judges are fail. Until next time, have a little more Erin Martin, and remember, Whatwhat loves you.

I personally believe that singer Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh … people out there in our nation don’t have songs and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children. And singers.

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