It’s getting down to the wire folks!
All the judges are doing their very best to try to care about the fate of their team members but they just can’t muster up the strength.
Christina really tries to convince us she is “sad” about tonight, but the only thing she is sad about is that her permanent hooker-blue eye shadow exploded on her face before she went on set tonight. Which is very upsetting when you’re someone like Christina who is trying so hard to stop people from associating her with the misspelling of the word Dirty.
Blake is too busy celebrating his 11th Number 1 today, to even notice that his team members are being put in the fiery pit of death. For some reason he “didn’t see this coming today”. What with my 11th number one and all, I mean, priorities people. Who wants a photo with this mug?
Then Blake goes on to say, “If I knew who to kick, I would kick them [for punishing Blake in this way, making him think about who to eliminate instead of fully allowing him to celebrate his 11th Number 1].” Carson desperately searches through his list of canned responses to find something appropriate to respond with, but his circuits freeze and he is left saying “Ummm…ok.” Which, to be fair, would be my exact same response, and I’m not even a robot.
It’s Cee-Lo’s turn but Adam just jumps right in in typical Adam fashion. “I can’t wait for my turn! I’m Adam Levine and I feel insecure without the comfort of my old-man cardigans to protect me so I must shout out of turn! Me me me me me!”
Blake preps Raelynn for what I hope is her demise. I can’t support anything that wears poofy dresses and is the Eden Wood of the future.
Raelynn claims she a “heartbreaker”; the only hearts she’s breaking are those of the show’s stylists and 5 year olds across America.
She sings “She’s Country” because she is clearly country and she wants to hit that fucking nail on the head. Raelynn emphasizes this point by wearing her signature poofy dress, a dress that mind you, would get her shot in the southern states.
Christina: “I’m a fan. You make me want to sing some country.” Only because you want an excuse to wear a poofy dress as well. It drives you insane that somebody could be dressed worse than you on this show.
Cee-Lo: “It was your best performance yet.” You’re a girl and possibly a minor, and I can’t say no to that.
Adam: “Damn you Blake.” For getting your hands on this illegal piece of preciousness! She would fit so well inside my closet full of cardigan sweaters! I would have put her in there and she would have made a nest of polyester blend sleeves. You killed my dreams Blake!
Blake: “You just proved to America that country can kick ass.” And that I can see your bloomers from the safety of my red chair.
Christina is working with Jesse Campbell, which means she tries to out-sing him during his rehearsal.
Jesse sings “Halo” in suspenders! He starts his performance inside a frame, which I don’t understand, but then again I really didn’t see any need for the freaky clown face people or Erin Martin.
He does hit an awesome note in the song that makes me really appreciate his performance. And did anyone notice those guns trapped in that tight gray shirt??
Cee-Lo: “Wonderful. Beautiful.” I would say more if you had tits.
Adam: “Your ability is crazy.” I would say more if you were under 18.
Blake: “That was great.” Does anyone have any other note or does he need to be in a dress in order for you guys to speak in paragraphs??
Christina: “I think it was wonderful that you used your daughter tonight.” You’ve inspired me to start using my kids in my videos. It really does something to American audiences and mama needs a new set of disc hats!
Jordis Unga tells us how scared she was, but now she’s stronger. Which is why she decides to sing “A Little Bit Stronger”. I love how Blake always picks the most obvious songs for his team members. You are small, so you shall sing It’s a Small World!
I feel uncomfortable during her performance. If Randy were here, he would call the performance “Pitchy dawg.”
Also there is a bed frame with just springs, no mattress. WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS??? Are you trying to really cement the fact that she has nowhere to sleep because she’s homeless because she almost went back to Minnesota because we care so very much about her backstory?
Christina: “I like it when you show your soft side.” It makes me feel like I can definitely defeat you in battle.
Cee-Lo: “That was great.” She’s too much woman for him. He doesn’t know what to do with all those extra curves. It’s size 0 or nothing for the Cee-Lo.
Adam: “You are so emotional up there.” It reminds me how I get when I open my closet and find that it is still full of my favorite cardigan sweaters, imported from all over the world and perfect for nesting. Damn you Blake!!
Blake: “You did perfect.” I can’t say the same about your grammar Blake.
TIME OUT: We need to see just how generous Christina can be. She takes her team to Starbucks to talk to them about hunger and talks to them about how hungry people are while drinking her Venti mocha-cappucino-latte-double-whipped-surprise with sprinkles.
Christina goes to the Crenshaw high school to check on the Gospel choir as her part of her “giving back to the community”, just kidding, she’s trying to get a choir to sing for her for free on The Voice.
Christina’s 3rd act of charity is singing with her team. Her act of un-charity is wearing a leotard on stage and exposing a whole lot of stuff.
The choir was a good call. It makes me feel like I’m watching a racy version of Sister Act III.
Ashley De La Rosa decides to sing a rocked-out version of “Foolish Games” and in typical Christina style, she outsings her during the rehearsal. Ashley says that sometimes, she forgets it’s Christina Aguilera. We do too Ashley. All. The. Time.
She sings in a pile of stage fog, because she’s so emotionally torn. Ashley does an awesome job. I’m not worried about her fate at all because she is at the prime grooming age for some label to come and turn her into another Rihanna.
Cee-Lo: “That was great.” Really Cee-Lo?? That’s all you got? She’s a cute girl who fits all your requirements. He must still be reeling in his disappointment over Erin leaving.
Adam: “You are the biggest surprise.” How would you like a pile of cozy cardigans imported from the Orient?
Blake: “I think the smartest decision that has been made, was Christina saving you.” Aside from my decision to release my 11th Number 1!!!
Christina: “You are growing by leaps an bounds.” Yes she is. It’s called a growth spurt; she grew 5 inches in the past two weeks.
What would a show be without another judge performing? It would be nothing, that’s why Adam feels the need to have the world premier of his new song “Paycheck” “Payphone” on The Voice.
He sounds like a chipmunk having his nuts squeezed in a vice. Why on earth would he sing about a payphone? Half of his fan base has never even seen a real live payphone. Payphones are just an urban legend to anyone born after 2000.
Erin Willet doesn’t think she fits in this industry, fishing fishing. Blake also starts fishing for compliments by showing her a photo of him with a mullet.
Unfortunately, she decides on an Adele song. I love Adele but I feel like everyone and their mother is singing every song on every reality show there is. At this point, you have to be insanely good in order for me to bother to listen to you doing a song I’ve heard literally a billion times.
The only thing that is not Adele about her is her hair color, everything else about her outfit is just screaming I’m trying to be Adele.
Christina: “You sang your heart out. Adele is always a touchy one for me.” Because she is so much more popular than you are right now.
Cee-Lo: “You did the song justice.” Someone give Cee-Lo some mouth-to-mouth! I think he’s flatlining!
Adam: “Like Christina said it’s an Adele song.” Good one Adam. You really gave us some insightful tidbits here.
Blake: “I would never, but you can, America.” And Blake’s grammar continues to devolve.
Lindsay Pavao decides to sing a Rihanna medley, but wigs out because life is so hard. So she goes on to sing Katy Perry’s “Part of Me”. Which isn’t a song I’ve heard 10 times an hour in every grocery store I’ve ever been to.
Two weird men hold her microphone for her because it is waaaaaay too heavy. She would make a great addition to Lillith Fair.
Cee-Lo: “I’ve never heard this song before.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME CEE-LO? You don’t have a choice but to hear this song everywhere you go in America right now. Plus, it’s the only thing all those tweens you date listen to.
Adam: “I’m harder on myself than almost anybody.” That’s what he said!
Blake: “I buy your music every time you perform.” Since I buy your music, you should totally buy my 11th Number 1 on itunes as well. It’s only fair. Did I mention that I have a new Number 1? Just one more of these and it’ll be a dozen. One more after that and it’ll be a Baker’s dozen.
Christina: “I respect your choices.” That’s a nice way of saying ‘Fuck you for not sticking with the song I wanted you to sing.’ Did anyone else notice how orange Xtina’s hands are? She’s turning into an oompa loompa more and more every day.
It’s team Blake’s turn to sing all together like a happy little family. They sing the Eagles “Heartache Tonight”, with Raelynn standing out at as the child who thinks the microphone is a nom nom that she must eat. I just want to put some soap in her mouth and leave her in a corner to think about what she’s done.
Now it’s time for Jermaine Paul to rehearse! Blake asks if he’s been talking to Alicia Keys and he wonders if she’s asked about him. No? She isn’t wondering what me, Blake Shelton, is doing? I care about what she’s doing? Did you tell her that I just got my 11th Number 1? Tell her. Tell her. TELL HER.
Jermaine says that he wants to take care of his family the best way he knows how, and that’s through singing. Jermaine, if that’s the only way you know how to take care of your family, you should start reading some Family books; Caring for Families For Dummies.
He sings “Take a look at me now” by Phil Collins and really nails it.
Christina: “I think you’re a phenomenal singer.” She’s actually totally right. It astounds me when she seems like the only rational human on The Voice.
Cee-Lo: “Phil Collins has got an awful lot of soul for a white guy.” Great note Cee-Lo. Go back to your nap you’ve been taking for the past hour and 38 minutes.
Adam: “I think you over-embellished a little bit.” I think you over-embellished your face a little bit. Adam.
Blake: “Tonight America is going to go, Oh my gosh, Jermaine is a super star.” You have a lot of opinions about what America thinks don’t you Blake Shelton??
Christina works with Chris Mann on “Viva la Vida” and decides to tell him about life. What does Xtina know about life?? She’s wearing spray paint on her face.
There are a lot of women in short skirts playing violin. Too bad none of them work for him.
Adam: “You looked awesome…I wanted to be moved.” This is a departure from who Adam is usually “moved” by. And by “moved” I’m referring to the movement in his pants.
Christina: “You stepped out of your comfort zone. I think that’s great.” I am sitting outside of my comfort zone watching your growing oompa-ness on the tv, Xtina.
It’s time for the instant eliminations!!! For the first time ever!!!
Christina has to look her whole team in the eyes and tell one of them they blow and don’t deserve to be on the stage anymore. She talks for the better part of an hour about how great they are and eliminates Jesse Campbell.
I actually feel bad for him. It seemed way sadder than other eliminations. He loves his daughter guys!
Now it’s Blake’s turn and he tries his very best to make dern good sentences. He manages to eliminate Jordis Unga in less than 2 minutes. Take that Xtina!
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