The Voice: Cee-Lo has a type!

The Voice

By TheNooch | Tuesday, March 20, 2012 | 6:05 pm | 17 Comments
Tagged: , , , ,

Blake Shelton says that the gloves are coming off! Oh no that means this will not be a gentleman’s game.

Nathan Parrot vs. Pip

Adam lets these kids know that this battle is no joke, people can die…of embarrassment. And there is no worse a death in Hollywood. The shame!

Nathan lets us know that he’s gay and his father is very upset about it. Give us a story line we don’t know Nathan. The real storyline is Pip’s closeted little ass.

Note to Pip: Easy with the bowties. And where is your last name? Pip is not a cool enough name to go with a solo stage name. Everyone expects you to be a newsy from 1919.

The boys are singing “You know I’m no good”. Pip meets with Alanis Morrisette and she explains to him the meaning of the word ironic. Just kidding, she was just there, to remind him, of the mess he left when he went away.

All kidding aside, she’s a very supportive coach and an all-around good human being. I bet she only eats organic.

Nathan meets with Robin Thicke and Robin spends the whole session making Robert DeNiro “I’m watching you” fingers at Nathan.

Tensions are high right before the boys go into battle, because Adam told them they are making his life hard. That’s not fair to do to those boys Adam Levine. It’s not them that are making your life so hard; it’s all those damn cowl-neck sweaters you own.

The boys duke it out with their mouths and the judges say their piece.

Blake: It’s clear who he wants to win because of his level of enunciation on the last consonant of the contestants name. PiP-ah! You can see the spittle flying as he takes care to pop that final P. Blake, don’t let Miranda see you get this excited about little boy pip.

Christina: She reveals the BIIIIG mystery as to Pip’s background; he’s done stage work before. NO! You’re kidding me Xtina! You think this young nube has been prancing upon the stage for years?? However did you crack that code?

Cee-Lo: He thinks Nathan took some of Amy’s spirit and also took some of Cee-Lo’s heart. Pip don’t matter.

Adam: He’s confused and doesn’t know who to pick. He really can’t. He just truly honestly can’t make the final decision and it is PISSING Carson Daly off. “C’mon Adam, let’s go. You gotta pick Adam. C’mon now Adam. Seriously, we need to cut to commercial or I won’t get paid!”

Pip is the winner, which is upsetting because this will reinforce his use of bowties.

Erin Martin vs. The Shields Brothers

Cee-Lo pairs up Erin and the Brothers much to everyone’s shock and dismay. The “battle-ees” exchange some awkward words about how badly they want to win this battle and then we flash back to the past, of last week.

Cee-Lo says that Erin “quite naturally belongs to him”, but not until AFTER her turns around to see a gorgeous young ex-model with perky young tits and legs she’s not a feared of showin’.

There is some serious passive-aggressive competitiveness during their rehearsal of the song “What’s Love got to do with it”, as Erin refuses to believe that it’s not all about her. Cee-Lo isn’t making it much easier for her to understand when he’s constantly wiping up puddles of drool from his constant oogling sessions.

Babyface comes in to coach the boys and he immediately thinks “Wayne’s World”. He takes this as a negative thing, whereas I can only see it as “EXCELLENT! PARTY TIME!”

Ne-Yo is Erin’s coach and makes the colossal mistake of saying that Erin isn’t sexy; she’s just cute. Her mind is blown and she no longer knows what her game plan will be now that ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD doesn’t think she is sexy.

Carson Daly says that Erin is here to prove she’s more than just a pretty face, but I somehow doubt that judging from the leotard with garters and fuck-me-boots outfit she’s chosen. I think she wants people to bust a nut to her.

Their performance was like Tenacious D meets CocoRosie.

Adam: “That was so weird!” He can’t get over it, it being his boner for Erin’s outfit.

Blake: He approves of Erin’s outfit and says that her outfit “Is all he has left.” When he gets home tonight, he is going to be in deep doo-doo.

Christina: She rocked out with her wayward titties and she gives a rousing two titties up for The Shields Brothers.

Cee-Lo: He’s worried that the Shields Brothers won’t blow him the way he would like. So he has to go with Erin. Clearly.

Ashley De Rosa vs. Jonathas

Christina loves hats! She wears a new hat every minute.

Ashley and Jonathas are both way too wholesome for this competition. Ashley is like a scared little forest creature who’s been faced by some headlights.

Jewel coaches Ashley while wearing a muumuu. Nuff said.

Lionel Ritchie. Nuff said.

During rehearsal, they get a shot of Christina from the back and for a minute I though Abby Lee from Dancemoms was coaching. Woof! Xtina, get away from the craft services!

I felt mostly uncomfortable during their performance of “No Air”. If Randy Jackson were there we would call it “Pitchy dawg.”

Cee-Lo: Liked the choreography and chose Ashley. I see a pattern in the gender you’re choosing Cee-Lo. Maybe don’t make your game plan SOOO apparent.

Adam: He picks Ashley because she has “a bigness to her voice” and she gives him a bigness in his skinny jeans.

Blake: Both of them failed to not be pitchy. But if were to pick the least worst person it would be Ashley.

Christina: She thinks both of her pupils have grown so much, but Ashley’s little run was so cute…Ashley is the winner.

AlyX vs. Jermaine Paul

Blake announces the pairing and AlyX rolls her eyes at Jermaine’s level of experience and that he’s done shit and stuff. Ugh.

Jermaine handles it like an adult and ignores it.

AlyX STRUGGLES and whines like a 5-year-old while Jermaine tries to get shit done.

See a trend here?

AlyX gets coaching from Miranda Lambert and fishes for compliments from Blake. Miranda thinks she has control issues and does not appear to be a fan of AlyX. I am not a fan of the spelling. Why? Using a big X doesn’t make you special, it just makes you obnoxious.

Jermaine gets coached by Kelly Clarkson and she offers for him to go on tour with her. (Intake of breath) Oooh Kelly, he’s trying to break OUT of background singing…Awkward.

The duo sings “Out of my dreams, Into my car.”

AlyX is the worst, as far as humans go. Her singing is actually pretty good, I just can’t stand her face and everything else about her.

Christina: She thinks Jermaine really showcased his “stuff” in that song. She doesn’t even look at AlyX.

Cee-Lo: Ditto.

Adam: “Jermaine, you took this song and kicked it’s ass.” If only you could kick Adam’s ass with that song Jermaine.

Blake: He feels bad that no one else has acknowledged AlyX, so he says a few things about her and how she tried. But his heart belongs to Jermaine. So AlyX has to do her “That’s OK, I don’t care about this stupid show anyway” strut in front of the camera.

Angel Taylor & Katrina Parker

Adam puts fear into Katrina’s heart pairing her against Angel. She’s just gotten back from her two years being afflicted by the mold in her home! Geez!

Robin Thicke meets with Angel and she squeals immediately. He is the dreamy son of Alan Thicke. My favorite is when they are in rehearsal and he keeps “interjection singing” while Angel is trying to practice.

Katrina gets to work with Alanis Morisette and she can’t get over it. Alanis and Adam are just gushing over her. Alanis says that Katrina is “funny & smart” which is code for not pretty.

Carson intros Katrina as a “sultry seductress looking to break out of her cubicle”, which is code for fat. The twosome sings “Bleeding Love”.

Blake: He loves Angel’s voice but he thinks that Katrina just flat out won this one.

Christina: She says that Katrina reminds her of Adele, which again, is code for fat.

Cee-Lo: He thinks Katrina owned this song and no one else owned it.

Adam: He can never make a damn decision! He takes longer than any of the other judges in everything that he does. Carson keeps reminding him of the commercials they need to make sure to air. Under pressure he finally picks Katrina, because everyone else did and he is void of independent thought, which is why he takes so long in making decisions.

Gwen Sebastian vs. Erin Willet

Blake announces that the girls will be singing “We Belong”.

Miranda coaches Erin and tells her she’s intense. That’s her way of telling her to “step off my hubby you floozy!”

Kelly Clarkson coaches Erin and feels that she is holding back.

But the producers don’t really want you to focus on the rehearsal, there is more emotional stuff going on here with Erin’s dad. Erin and Blake have a heart to heart to tug at the audience’s heartstrings.

I wonder who’s going to win…

Up there on that “Battlefield” I’m getting flashbacks of Wilson Phillips. Anyone? Anyone?

Christina: She enjoyed it. Really. And she gravitates more towards Erin, because she doesn’t look as fat next to her.

Cee-Lo: He thinks they are both special and unique, but Gwen is just a little more special.

Adam: He prefers the richness and the warmth of Erin’s voice, and bosom!

Blake: He talks too much about this, but at least he doesn’t take as long as flippin’ Adam. He goes with Erin.

 

 

 

About

The nooch is 5 foot 3.  She hates sushi and once she watched a movie on Lifetime from start to finish without making a sarcastic comment.  Once.  That's all.

Listen to her talk on her podcast here: www.megaboomradio.com

17 Comments

  1. 1
    leslilly
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    “Pip meets with Alanis Morrisette and she explains to him the meaning of the word ironic. Just kidding, she was just there, to remind him, of the mess he left when he went away.”

    Ha! Am. dying.

    And yessssss, Cee-Lo, C-low, clow……how low can he go? Whatta pig.

  2. 2
    onehundredyearsofcholera onehundredyearsofcholera
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 10:06 pm

    omg thankyouuuuuu TheNooch for recapping. okay, onto the recap!

  3. 3
    itchy
    Posted March 21, 2012 at 4:43 am

    OK, the Voice concept, blind auditions, everyone has a chance, sure, sure, I get it.

    Except the blind auditions are only the first part. And then it becomes a normal singing competition where the performers are, you know, expected to perform and, well, gasp, actually look like performers.

    And then I have to wonder. You spend your whole life dreaming of becoming a famous singer… and let yourself become an overweight schlub with no sense of style. Or a skinny lil’ waif named Pip with an even worse sense of style.

    I’m not saying that fat or ugly people can’t perform. But you better damn well develop some sort of look — not to mention the charisma — to take attention away from your ugliness.

    So that’s why it makes sense for the leggy model with the weird voice to move forward. But the fat gals in the tent dresses who look like your homely cousin? Nope. I don’t buy it.

    Also, the cat that Cee Lo (classic example of developing a look to hide his fug) is holding is a rental. Reality!

  4. 4
    featherhead
    Posted March 21, 2012 at 7:49 am

    That Erin girl is singing sooo fake in my opinion, yeah that’s not going to get old any time soon. Maybe the battles sound different from my couch then at the studio, but there were a lot of people picked that I thought were horrible, Chessia (the hawaii girl), Rae Lynn, and both Erins.

  5. 5
    Hops
    Posted March 21, 2012 at 9:29 am

    I wanted Gwen to win! Erin was too raw (seriously, if I was her I would go HOME especially if her dad is still able to talk.) Gwen is performing at our fair this summer!

  6. 6
    emily
    Posted March 21, 2012 at 11:50 am

    If they really wanted to be just about the Voice they should not have the judges even get to look at the singers they pick they would only get to take a look after they have picked there team of 12. During the mentoring sessions the judges would wear blind folds.

  7. 7
    FuriousFlipper
    Posted March 21, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Just reading the comments and I just have to say that man, I hate the use of the word “ugly” to describe people’s looks. To me, it reflects an ugliness of personality and character from the person using the word. Not trying to be mean, just stating my opinion, which is, of course, the same as deciding that someone is “ugly.” What the F makes someone ugly? Listen, we’re all just human beings born with what we’ve been given. Some of us have huge noses or crooked teeth or are over weight or have a receding hairline – whatever. What makes one person more attractive than the other? Does being fat make you ugly? Ah, ugly is such an ugly word. And it’s not a politically correct thing I am going for here – it’s more a basic “Wow, we’re all imperfect messed up humans and it’s hard enough to get along in this world” compassion for each other kind of thing. Saddening. Shallow. And yes, “that is the world we live in and all that crap,” but still, I expect people of some intelligence to be more thoughtful. Even on a recap for a reality TV show.

  8. 8
    SuburBint
    Posted March 21, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    I think we can all agree that in order to make it in the entertainment industry, it is helpful, almost necessary, to one’s success to be above the median in whatever standards of beauty the culture that one is performing in holds. Especially in the US, where looks trump talent almost every single time. Unfortunately, the English language only has so many words to describe people who fall below that (admittedly, generally arbitrary) median standard of beauty, and the further one is from the median, the fewer words there are.

    I think Itchy’s point is completely valid — if becoming famous is your dream, than being aware of your looks and taking steps towards reaching that cultural standard of beauty is absolutely vital, unless you have an astonishing personality that more than overcomes whatever misfortunes you may have going in in the looks department. David Bowie and Mick Jagger come to mind; neither one of them was or is ever what I would consider even remotely attractive physically or facially. But Oh. My. God. Talk about charisma!

    The word “ugly” serves a purpose, and I don’t think that it is reasonable to ascribe mean-spiritedness or pettiness to someone who uses it. Some people are, in physical terms, ugly, and if we can’t admit it then that is nothing more than political correctness. It’s merely an observation, just like “fat,” “skinny,” “bald,” and “tattooed” are. If we say, “OMG, Jane is so ugly. What a whore!” then that crosses a line, because we are making assumptions about Jane’s personality based on her looks. But it is no more shallow to simply say that Jane is ugly than it is to say that Jane is ten fingers, assuming both facts to be true.

    Man, I’m feeling soap-boxy today!

  9. 9
    FuriousFlipper
    Posted March 21, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    Thanks for that response, SuburBint. And yes, I was unfair to a degree. I am not a saint, by any means, but I really, honestly have never called anyone ugly. It’s odd as I have been thinking about this a lot lately as the word seems to be thrown around a great deal. Maybe I need some kind of therapy for that, but I just hate the word. I have to, however, acknowledge that I have considered a person to be “beautiful” or “attractive” but I guess I don’t necessarily consider “ugly” to be the opposite of those adjectives. I guess I feel that the word itself is tied to personality. It seems to diminish and reject a person’s value completely. And yes, this is the world we live in, I am well aware. Apologize for the disrespect directed towards Itchy’s post.

  10. 10
    FuriousFlipper
    Posted March 21, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    I guess what I am really trying to say is that if you have been called ugly, it really hurts. I don’t think that people feel very good about being described as ugly. Being skinny, bald, having crooked teeth – those are facts and not subjective opinions. I guess that’s the difference. Ugly comes across as an insult. And it seems strange that we have to insult people if we are just describing their appearance. I don’t think that many people who are described as ugly just think, “Oh well, that’s the truth.” Ultimately, everyone wants to feel good about themselves and the cards that they have been dealt in life.

  11. 11
    leslilly
    Posted March 22, 2012 at 3:38 am

    That’s where we differ, itchy. When I buy music, I buy it to listen to…it’s important that my ears love it, not my eyes. So, I don’t give a shit what the person looks like as long as they have singing talent.
    I’m sure other people besides me are weary of the manufactured pop idol. You all know the type – the Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez kind of PERFORMER who uses autotune & lipsynchs because they’re more interested in their stage presence and dance moves..and also want to hide the fact that they can’t truly sing.
    Over them. Meh!

  12. 12
    maryedith
    Posted March 22, 2012 at 4:31 am

    Totally agree, leslilly. A lot of rock icons who are considered sexy would not be if they didn’t have talent. The talent gives you the chutzpah to create the “interesting look” if you’re not conventionally good looking. And sexiness is so subjective. Unless by “pretty” you only mean “thin, but not too thin,” as itchy seems to mean. But he can’t mean that!

  13. 13
    leslilly
    Posted March 22, 2012 at 4:47 am

    Agreed, Featherhead. With Cee-Lo, I quickly saw that he would pick the one that sounded the worst to me, usually. Blake picked a young country girl – can’t remember her name – a blonde, sweet girl who didn’t sound good at all, but he remarked before the battle round that she reminded him of his wife. Uh oh…

  14. 14
    leslilly
    Posted March 22, 2012 at 5:04 am

    I agree, FuriousFlipper. The fat and ugly comments bug me too. Like you said, no one is perfect. So, who the hell is fit to be the judge of who’s attractive or not? I just hate the fact that people are dismissed entirely because of these judgments.
    I like what you wrote, FF. Thanks for sharing.

  15. 15
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted March 22, 2012 at 5:20 am

    My BFF calls me a cripple. Well I am, but that is a pretty powerful word. Like ugly. When I can go out I am in a power chair (Olde Sparkye) with leg and backrests that recline since I can’t sit up for extended periods of time. Like ten minutes.

    She does it, of course, to be outrageous ’cause that is who she is. but she also does it to shake people up because she is saying what they are thinking. Perhaps people are outraged when they hear it and realize how many times they have called, out loud or in their heads, people by pejoritive lables.

    She also does it so that people take a second look at a cripple– an attractive, well-groomed woman with an easy laugh and a fun personality. Once I overheard two men, who had obviously seen me, say that affliction knows no socio-economic boundaries.

    We can’t help our afflictions… we can have a big nose, be bald, or skinny, or crippled, but we can maximize the positive qualities so that the negatives are more easily overlooked. I hate the PC terms that abound to replace the pejoritive ones “handicapped copmmunity” (do we have a secret handshake?) “other abled”… so many that to me are worse than the original. To me it means that the speaker really devalues me but wants to “make nice” about it.

    Sometimes the so-called “beautiful people” are ugly inside once they reveal themselves. Case in point, GG on the Shahs. Fugly chick inside.

    If the Voice wanted to be unbiased about looks the judges would be “blind” throughout the whole show, or get rid of the schtick altogether. TheNootch pointed out how the judges reacted when they could see the contestants. yikes! And fame-seekers do have to develop a persona that overrrides physical defects. Of you’re fat, be Mama Cass; if you have a big nose, be Barbra.

    I am Snowshoecat, hear me purr.

  16. 16
    cosmonala
    Posted March 23, 2012 at 10:58 am

    Whaddya mean, JHo and BSpears can’t sing? I am outraged by this accusation, leslilly. Outraged!

    Seriously, CeeLo didn’t have much to choose from, but at least The Pantyliner Boys could pronounce words correctly.

  17. 17
    TiggerMama
    Posted March 26, 2012 at 9:21 pm

    When Cee Lo chose Erin I actually said “WELF?! DOES HE HAVE EARS?!” That was not singing. I agree with what Ne-yo said in his interview “You’re cute. What else ya got? Cause there’s a lot of cute in the world.” I think she should’ve stuck to modeling. Where she can’t talk. Or “sing”.

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