Blake Shelton says that the gloves are coming off! Oh no that means this will not be a gentleman’s game.
Nathan Parrot vs. Pip
Adam lets these kids know that this battle is no joke, people can die…of embarrassment. And there is no worse a death in Hollywood. The shame!
Nathan lets us know that he’s gay and his father is very upset about it. Give us a story line we don’t know Nathan. The real storyline is Pip’s closeted little ass.
Note to Pip: Easy with the bowties. And where is your last name? Pip is not a cool enough name to go with a solo stage name. Everyone expects you to be a newsy from 1919.
The boys are singing “You know I’m no good”. Pip meets with Alanis Morrisette and she explains to him the meaning of the word ironic. Just kidding, she was just there, to remind him, of the mess he left when he went away.
All kidding aside, she’s a very supportive coach and an all-around good human being. I bet she only eats organic.
Nathan meets with Robin Thicke and Robin spends the whole session making Robert DeNiro “I’m watching you” fingers at Nathan.
Tensions are high right before the boys go into battle, because Adam told them they are making his life hard. That’s not fair to do to those boys Adam Levine. It’s not them that are making your life so hard; it’s all those damn cowl-neck sweaters you own.
The boys duke it out with their mouths and the judges say their piece.
Blake: It’s clear who he wants to win because of his level of enunciation on the last consonant of the contestants name. PiP-ah! You can see the spittle flying as he takes care to pop that final P. Blake, don’t let Miranda see you get this excited about little boy pip.
Christina: She reveals the BIIIIG mystery as to Pip’s background; he’s done stage work before. NO! You’re kidding me Xtina! You think this young nube has been prancing upon the stage for years?? However did you crack that code?
Cee-Lo: He thinks Nathan took some of Amy’s spirit and also took some of Cee-Lo’s heart. Pip don’t matter.
Adam: He’s confused and doesn’t know who to pick. He really can’t. He just truly honestly can’t make the final decision and it is PISSING Carson Daly off. “C’mon Adam, let’s go. You gotta pick Adam. C’mon now Adam. Seriously, we need to cut to commercial or I won’t get paid!”
Pip is the winner, which is upsetting because this will reinforce his use of bowties.
Erin Martin vs. The Shields Brothers
Cee-Lo pairs up Erin and the Brothers much to everyone’s shock and dismay. The “battle-ees” exchange some awkward words about how badly they want to win this battle and then we flash back to the past, of last week.
Cee-Lo says that Erin “quite naturally belongs to him”, but not until AFTER her turns around to see a gorgeous young ex-model with perky young tits and legs she’s not a feared of showin’.
There is some serious passive-aggressive competitiveness during their rehearsal of the song “What’s Love got to do with it”, as Erin refuses to believe that it’s not all about her. Cee-Lo isn’t making it much easier for her to understand when he’s constantly wiping up puddles of drool from his constant oogling sessions.
Babyface comes in to coach the boys and he immediately thinks “Wayne’s World”. He takes this as a negative thing, whereas I can only see it as “EXCELLENT! PARTY TIME!”
Ne-Yo is Erin’s coach and makes the colossal mistake of saying that Erin isn’t sexy; she’s just cute. Her mind is blown and she no longer knows what her game plan will be now that ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD doesn’t think she is sexy.
Carson Daly says that Erin is here to prove she’s more than just a pretty face, but I somehow doubt that judging from the leotard with garters and fuck-me-boots outfit she’s chosen. I think she wants people to bust a nut to her.
Their performance was like Tenacious D meets CocoRosie.
Adam: “That was so weird!” He can’t get over it, it being his boner for Erin’s outfit.
Blake: He approves of Erin’s outfit and says that her outfit “Is all he has left.” When he gets home tonight, he is going to be in deep doo-doo.
Christina: She rocked out with her wayward titties and she gives a rousing two titties up for The Shields Brothers.
Cee-Lo: He’s worried that the Shields Brothers won’t blow him the way he would like. So he has to go with Erin. Clearly.
Ashley De Rosa vs. Jonathas
Christina loves hats! She wears a new hat every minute.
Ashley and Jonathas are both way too wholesome for this competition. Ashley is like a scared little forest creature who’s been faced by some headlights.
Jewel coaches Ashley while wearing a muumuu. Nuff said.
Lionel Ritchie. Nuff said.
During rehearsal, they get a shot of Christina from the back and for a minute I though Abby Lee from Dancemoms was coaching. Woof! Xtina, get away from the craft services!
I felt mostly uncomfortable during their performance of “No Air”. If Randy Jackson were there we would call it “Pitchy dawg.”
Cee-Lo: Liked the choreography and chose Ashley. I see a pattern in the gender you’re choosing Cee-Lo. Maybe don’t make your game plan SOOO apparent.
Adam: He picks Ashley because she has “a bigness to her voice” and she gives him a bigness in his skinny jeans.
Blake: Both of them failed to not be pitchy. But if were to pick the least worst person it would be Ashley.
Christina: She thinks both of her pupils have grown so much, but Ashley’s little run was so cute…Ashley is the winner.
AlyX vs. Jermaine Paul
Blake announces the pairing and AlyX rolls her eyes at Jermaine’s level of experience and that he’s done shit and stuff. Ugh.
Jermaine handles it like an adult and ignores it.
AlyX STRUGGLES and whines like a 5-year-old while Jermaine tries to get shit done.
See a trend here?
AlyX gets coaching from Miranda Lambert and fishes for compliments from Blake. Miranda thinks she has control issues and does not appear to be a fan of AlyX. I am not a fan of the spelling. Why? Using a big X doesn’t make you special, it just makes you obnoxious.
Jermaine gets coached by Kelly Clarkson and she offers for him to go on tour with her. (Intake of breath) Oooh Kelly, he’s trying to break OUT of background singing…Awkward.
The duo sings “Out of my dreams, Into my car.”
AlyX is the worst, as far as humans go. Her singing is actually pretty good, I just can’t stand her face and everything else about her.
Christina: She thinks Jermaine really showcased his “stuff” in that song. She doesn’t even look at AlyX.
Adam: “Jermaine, you took this song and kicked it’s ass.” If only you could kick Adam’s ass with that song Jermaine.
Blake: He feels bad that no one else has acknowledged AlyX, so he says a few things about her and how she tried. But his heart belongs to Jermaine. So AlyX has to do her “That’s OK, I don’t care about this stupid show anyway” strut in front of the camera.
Angel Taylor & Katrina Parker
Adam puts fear into Katrina’s heart pairing her against Angel. She’s just gotten back from her two years being afflicted by the mold in her home! Geez!
Robin Thicke meets with Angel and she squeals immediately. He is the dreamy son of Alan Thicke. My favorite is when they are in rehearsal and he keeps “interjection singing” while Angel is trying to practice.
Katrina gets to work with Alanis Morisette and she can’t get over it. Alanis and Adam are just gushing over her. Alanis says that Katrina is “funny & smart” which is code for not pretty.
Carson intros Katrina as a “sultry seductress looking to break out of her cubicle”, which is code for fat. The twosome sings “Bleeding Love”.
Blake: He loves Angel’s voice but he thinks that Katrina just flat out won this one.
Christina: She says that Katrina reminds her of Adele, which again, is code for fat.
Cee-Lo: He thinks Katrina owned this song and no one else owned it.
Adam: He can never make a damn decision! He takes longer than any of the other judges in everything that he does. Carson keeps reminding him of the commercials they need to make sure to air. Under pressure he finally picks Katrina, because everyone else did and he is void of independent thought, which is why he takes so long in making decisions.
Gwen Sebastian vs. Erin Willet
Blake announces that the girls will be singing “We Belong”.
Miranda coaches Erin and tells her she’s intense. That’s her way of telling her to “step off my hubby you floozy!”
Kelly Clarkson coaches Erin and feels that she is holding back.
But the producers don’t really want you to focus on the rehearsal, there is more emotional stuff going on here with Erin’s dad. Erin and Blake have a heart to heart to tug at the audience’s heartstrings.
I wonder who’s going to win…
Up there on that “Battlefield” I’m getting flashbacks of Wilson Phillips. Anyone? Anyone?
Christina: She enjoyed it. Really. And she gravitates more towards Erin, because she doesn’t look as fat next to her.
Cee-Lo: He thinks they are both special and unique, but Gwen is just a little more special.
Adam: He prefers the richness and the warmth of Erin’s voice, and bosom!
Blake: He talks too much about this, but at least he doesn’t take as long as flippin’ Adam. He goes with Erin.