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Before we talk about any sort of talent on the show, I feel it necessary to discuss the ridiculousness that is Cee-Lo’s outfit. It can only be described as a “shabby disco” shirt he found in the Bargain Bucket the day after Halloween in 1993.
I’m not sure if he’s trying to be John Travolta, James Brown or the Rhinestone Cowboy, but I am repelled by the awkward V display of a chest hair.
First up is Jermaine Paul! Jermaine sings Bon Jovi “Living on a Prayer” and he really feels like he IS living on a prayer. What a coinkydink! No one could have possibly planned that out on= the producing end.
His performance is quite a display, but I can’t take my eyes off the muppets in the back just drumming away in their 80’s hair wigs. Fantastic choreographed head banging!
Christina: “Jermaine milked the performance.” Too bad the girls aren’t out tonight or he could get in a two-for-one milking.
Blake: “Girls like you singing that song a lot.” Therefore, Adam must have liked it.
Christina Milian, how sad are you that you aren’t noticed for your singing anymore? Isn’t The Voice just salting the wound of your forgotten songs?
Next up is Chris Mann singing “Bridge Over Troubled Water”. Christina thinks this is a good song choice for him, but I’m inclined to disagree. I have not been agreeing with Christina’s choices ever since the disc hat incident…
I have two words for Chris’s performance: LOBBY TUNES. Of any Double Tree across America.
Cee-Lo: “Wonderful performance. Nothing wrong I got to say about you.” You just said it wrong. Its “I have no bad news to report in review of your performance.”
Adam: “I love you baby.” – To Cee-Lo. Save it for after the show cardigan-less Adam!
Christina: “You truly owned it. Thank you for making me a proud momma.” Because this is really about Christina right? The only reason she is doing this show is to prove how awesome awful she is at picking songs AND outfits.
I feel like we’ve “time-travelled speed” (to quote prophet Brittany Spears) and are seeing Eden Wood all “growed” up.
If awful had a face, it would be the face of this rendition of Wake Up Call.
To see the look on her mom/sister’s face, Raelynne has made her very proud.
Christina: “Are you allowed to grind your hips on stage like that at your age?” Remember Genie in a Bottle? Do you recall that little diddy?
Adam: “You did so good.” Grammar!!!!!!!!
Blake: “You represent the new sound of country.” Dear god, I hope not.
Moses Stone sings “Stronger and Power” and manages to hold onto some of his power while wearing a skirt. Although, it does sound like he’s rather angry with all that yelling he’s doing. Is yelling still considered singing these days?
Cee-Lo: “I really appreciate your stage presence.” I really appreciate your chair presence Cee-Lo. Today you almost completely blend in with the chair.
Adam: “I don’t know anything.” That’s the rightest you’ve ever been Adam.
Blake: “I don’t know much about rapping, but this is about the singing voice.” Thank you for re-stating the premise of the show.
Christina: “I think with the type of singer you are, which can go over some people’s heads…” Nudge nudge, Blake, she’s talking about your country ass when she says this.
Christina: “I thought you were going to do the reggae thing. There were some moments in there that weren’t great.” Boy, you don’t like her so much do you Xtina?
Blake: “She wanted to stay away from the reggae.” Take that X! Blake finally figured out your comment from a commercial break ago was directed at him.
Lindsay Pavao sings “Somebody I Used to Know” with her half-gender hair; half lady cut half man cut. Why the clown suits? I really don’t approve and will now have nightmares for at least the rest of the week.
Adam: “I was missing the power that you usually hear in that chorus.” There wasn’t supposed to be any power Adam! Clearly the message that she was trying to convey with her performance was that all the crazy-scary clown people were publicly dominating her.
Christina: “I love that hair toss you just did.” GIRL MOMENT!!! TEEHEE!! GIGGLE GIGGLE!
Now I finally know where Lonely Island got the melody for “Jack Sparrow” Featuring Michael Bolton. And I definitely know who sang it better.
Cee-Lo: “Those high notes really signified your overall talent.” This is a fact.
Blake: “That is the opposite of playing it safe.” This is a fiction.
Sera Hill sings “Find Your Love” in the middle of a group of lounging half naked men. I think their nudité really threw her off, because the singing was like a horny woman getting all hot and bothered about the impending sexual foreplay.
Blake: “There were male strippers on the stage!!” Miranda, we have some papers for you to sign…
Christina: “You look like a diva in training.” That’s why I must kill you after the show. There can’t be more than 1 diva, there just can’t!
Erin Willet is next singing “Living for the City” with a whole “restaurant” on stage with her. I don’t know if anyone else noticed this, but one of the “patrons” actually fell into a dance. For a second, I thought there was going to be an ambulance call, but then he did a pirouette. Incredible.
Cee-Lo: “You were just a champion tonight and we celebrate.” Cue disco ball! Ceeeeeelebrate good times c’mon!
Blake: “Technically and passionately the best vocal performance. That is a fact! That is a fact! That is fact!” Someone smack him! He’s stuck on loop!
Ashley De La Rosa sings “Right Through It”. Oh the 90’s! Uh-oh! She took the microphone away from her mouth. That’s thing #1 in Xtina’s singing school: Keeping the mic right next to your singing hole.
I’m not a fan. I feel like Ashley is just in her room singing to an Alanis Morissette CD.
Adam: “Tonight we saw a woman.” Easy boy! She’s SEVENTEEN!
Christina: “You’re only 17!” Xtina does the best view of Adam’s groin, so if there’s a growth in his skinny jeans, she’ll be the first to know.
Adam: “I thought that there was some flatness.” He isn’t referring to her singing.
Christina: “You’re very subtle in the right spots.” She also isn’t referring to her singing.
Blake: “Christina and I are exactly right.” Who knows what he’s referring to.
Cee-Lo: “You’re voice is almost as beautiful as my hair.” Ouch! Burn Cee-Lo.
Christina: “Aren’t you glad you have the only sober coach up here? It’s a fantastic thing.” If this is her sober…