The Voice: Christina + Blake = Crushed Dreams!

It’s LIVE eliminations time and Christina’s boobies are back out to play! AND she’s magically tan!

Carson has the most difficult job in television; asking the judges about their feelings and pretending he cares about their responses.

Carson: “Blake, how do you feel about only being able to save one person tonight?”

Blake: “It sucks.”

Inside Carson’s head: “That’s it. That’s all you have to give me you oversized country-singing gorilla. I really hope your wife does leave, then maybe you’ll actually have something to sing about.”

What Carson really said: “Ok. On to Christina.”

Christina: “I’m going to be really sad.”

Inside Carson’s head: “If I have to talk to one more judge tonight…”

What Carson really said: “Before we get to any ‘difficult’ decisions, let’s hear from our special guest…”

Gym Class Heroes perform with red-head Neon Hitch who has the most uncomfortable object covering her breasts, but just barely. She can hardly move for fear of demolishing half of her face with the awkward white chunk of crap glued to her chest. Also, she is wearing a ring the size of her left thigh. WHY???

Blake has a pow-wow with his team and regales them with stories of his youth while all the kids pretend they are listening to him spin his yarns. The team goes to LA’s only country station and sit silently while Blake talks about himself on the radio.

Who did America save????

Erin Willet! The girl who purposely wore her hair like Adele in hopes that she will win multiple Grammy’s for her performance on The Voice.

Jermaine Paul! He took a cue from Cee-Lo and wore a red shirt, although his shirt is 100% less ridiculous than Cee-Lo’s.

Eden Wood! I mean Raelynne! She has a truly upsetting little girl moment that makes me want someone to push her off the stage. What is America’s obsession with babies in frilly dresses??

Christina takes her team to The Tonight Show, which is waaaaaay better publicity than the ONLY country station in LA. The kids actually got a chance to perform on the show, which is a trillion times better than sitting quietly in a radio booth.

Who did America save??

Jesse Campbell! Who was more surprised than I was that his name was called and had to have one of the youngsters inform him of the good news. Maybe his hearing aid wasn’t on.

Lindsey Pavao! America loves confusing haircuts.

Chris Mann? I’m confused. Maybe all the ladies over 40 overtook the phone lines on voting night.

And now for the desperate singing for your life segment of the show…

Naia Kete sings “If I were a boy”, I would be Bob Marley. Or 90’s Lenny Kravitz.

Blake: “I wish you came out singing a reggae song,” because I like perpetuating stereotypes. That’s why I’m in country music.

Charlotte Sometimes picks a Goo Goo Dolls song, which is her first mistake. Her second mistake: Going through with singing the song.

Jordis Unga sings “Wild Horses” and does a moderately good job.

Carson goes to the judges to see what they think…

Christina: “I  think Jordis (hand wobble).” Before the next show, someone needs to get Xtina a dictionary or just right out her quips in advance.

Cee-Lo: “Jordis.” Cee-Lo is just over deliberating on the other judges teams and wants to get to his team as soon as possible. Hold on tight to your little wig cuz your team doesn’t go up till next week C!

Adam: “You guys were all wonderful. But without question, it goes to Jordis.” They couldn’t have been that wonderful then could they Adam?

Blake: “I gotta go with Jordis.” Blake! How could you do that to Naia and Charlotte!?!?!

TIME OUT: It’s time for Carson to explain why everybody is wearing a red, white and blue wristband. We have to create jobs for America, small business loans blah blah blah where’s Betty White?

And then some more begging and pleading in the form of pop songs…

Ashley De La Rosa sings “Paris Ooh La La,” a song I’ve never heard before but she definitely rocked it out. When I was 17 I was wearing baggy sweatshirts and desperately trying to avoid boys.

Sera Hill sings “Vision of Love.” Why would you do that to Mariah, Sera??

Moses Stone sings “Break Even,” I mean he actually sings this one.

The whole time her little babies perform, Xtina is more serious than I’ve ever seen her. I think she actually believes she’s birthed these people.

Cee-Lo: “I think I would say Sera.” Really Cee-Lo? She probably has the least interesting voice of the three onstage. Or is this just a strategic move to get your team all the interesting voices?

Adam: “This has been so much fun. I would say absolutely Ashley.” SEVENTEEN ADAM!

Blake: “Ashley.” He’s spent after the emotional roller coaster he’s been on with his team so he can’t utter more than one word at a time.

Christina: “I have a special place in my heart for all of you… but I have to go with Ashley.” Your heart got small real quick Xtina!

Christina goes up onstage to console the other two show off the sausage casing she’s decided to wear tonight.

Stay tuned next week when we find out what kind of difficult decisions Cee-Lo and Adam have to make, both fashionwise and talentwise.