The Voice: Judges are Sad

You know what I want to hear more than anything else in the entire world? I want to hear about how hard it is for these coaches to let go of people they don’t really know or care about because it’s soooooo much tougher than living in Africa without food for a week. If you asked a starving African child which they would rather do: Eat as much food as you could possibly imagine BUT ONLY if you eliminate a contestant from The Voice OR Eat nothing, they would totally pick eat nothing. Because they know how hard it is to turn someone they don’t really know away from a possible singing career.

Blake is first, as the most important people always are, and he says, for the billionth week in a row, that he is sad. I wonder if he is more sad that he can no longer use the show as a platform to promote his new singles and charity work OR that he has to send some kid home that he could give two haystacks and a field mouse about.

I don’t feel confident unless I have something totally tacky on my head.

In the absence of the tiara, Christina felt naked, so she put her necklace on her head.

Christina also says that this is sad. If one more judge says that this is sad…

Now it’s Cee Lo’s turn to talk and HIS GLASSES ARE BACK!!! Oh thank god! Balance has been restored in the universe. I couldn’t sleep for at least one full night because of it. Tonight, I sleep like a baby. Or a king. Or  a king baby.

Cee Lo feels awkward and uncomfortable. Perhaps that’s because he is in the most normal suit I’ve ever seen him wear and he is unaccustomed to what actual clothes feel like.

Adam doesn’t want to do this. No one is asking you to Adam. NBC stopped sending you checks weeks ago.

The Voice Season One Dia Frampton is back with her new single “Don’t Kick the Chair”. It’s a really deep song speaking out about violence against chairs and Kid Cudi felt so passionately about it that he decided to join in. There’s a huge stack of chairs in the middle of the stage, and I know that they are there as a statement, but to me it just seems cruel.*

*No actual chairs were harmed in the making of this live performance.

It’s down to Chris Mann and Lindsay Pavao. Here we go Christina! Just do it! Rip it off like a band aid!

Nope! She’s going to rip it off hair-by-hair and take as long as she possibly can to draw out the pain. Carson doesn’t make it any better by re-explaining the rules to draw it out even longer. This makes me want to pee from nerves.

We look at Christina’s scores: A 50/50 split. Now we have to listen to her explain it. UGH. She’s just passing the buck on to America so she doesn’t have to be the bad guy. Christina, I hate to tell you this, but you’ve been the bad guy ever since you went back to the stylist who allows you to go out in public with discs glued to your weave.

America wants Chris Mann because they have had enough hipster songs to last them a lifetime.

We’ve got more time to kill so it’s on to another performance; Vicci Martinez and her coach Cee Lo Green singing Vicci’s new single “Come Along”.  She’s like a smaller version of Erin Martin, just waaay better at actual singing.

Adam has a tough choice on his hands: Adele #2 or Boat Docks McGee.

Adam actually nutted up and gave Tony a 60, leaving Katrina with 40. At the end of the day, he had a bigger crush on the Tony.

Tony Lucca is America’s choice, which means that Adele #2 can finally hang up her wig! That must be such a relief! Those wigs get so hot under the stage lights.

It’s Erin Willet’s B-day, so they can’t eliminate her. Or CAN they????

Another Season One person, Beverly McLellan, performs her new single ‘Money Changes Everything’ with Cyndi Lauper. Legitimately awesome. Alright NBC, I’m on this time-filling ride with you now.

Before we continue on with these elimination things, Javier Colon, last year’s winner, has to sing his single ‘A Drop in the Ocean’. Since he won, he is not allowed to sing with someone cool. He has to sing it alllll by himself. I don’t really see how that’s fair. I would way rather sing with Cyndi Lauper.

It’s Blake’s turn to suffer. He says that both Erin Willet and Jermaine Paul have ‘done good’.

But they still must be scored. Whatever will he do? If you answered “Puss out like Xtina” then you were 100% correct!

He has passed the buck to America because he can’t possibly be the bad guy. This is really so hard you guys.

America chooses Jermaine! This will be a birthday to remember forever Erin Willet!

Last but not least, it’s Sophie’s Cee Lo’s choice: Jamar Rogers or Juliet Simms.

Cee Lo of course makes the decision all about him and says that he has the best contestants on the show. Everyone says so. He wants us to know how good he is at spotting talent.

Cee Lo gives Juilet 60 points. I fully stand behind his choice, and look over his bald little head.

America loves Juliet! I am America! Jamar was cool, but we need another Janis-like singer in the world.

The four finalists are: Juliet Simms, Tony Lucca, Chris Mann & Jermaine Paul.

If we think the prior weeks have been tough for the judges, they are going to have a full on mental break down come the finale.

Tune in for that brain explosion next week!!

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