The Voice Recap: Surprise! Christina’s Wearing a Tiara

We did it guys. We finally made it to regionals. And this time it’s serious. Wait sorry. That’s tomorrow’s Glee (also last week’s Glee and probably 80% of them before that). We are in the semifinals of the Voice. And miraculously there are actually the correct number of contestants in the semifinal round of a reality competition show.
Adam is flannelling it up again like a sissy lumberjack, Christina’s boobs are still spilling out of her tasteful blazer and DEAR SWEET JESUS, WHERE ARE CEE LO’S GLASSES??!! He and his goatee look like the devil’s shorter, fatter, possibly blacker brother. OK, I settled down. Blake Shelton is still dressed like a normal adult. Heart attack averted.

Blake says one of his singers is going to have to do better than the other one. He’s like Socrates meets Billy Ray Cyrus.

Christina thinks all her singers are beautiful and special in their own way. As a former children’s camp counselor, I can tell you this is code for “my singers are going to lose big time.”

Cee Lo is glad to have input from America in picking the best contestant. As a current American voter I can tell you this is the stupidest I have heard all season.

Adam says that after weeks and weeks of boring performances by his team he finally feels like he’s in it. See, all you people who think he’s a douche? He came very close to saying nice things about several people all in one sentence. So there.

Tony Luca is up first with The Heavy’s “How You Like Me Now?” If the totally-unchoreographed dancers behind him are any indication, people like him pretty well.

Blake says he doesn’t know this song. Which, come on, not only are the Heavy from north of the Mason Dixon line, they’re not even real Americans. How could he be expected to know it?

Christina said she planned on having one of her singers do it. And then she is cut off by Carson. Thank you Carson. Someone has to make sure we get to commercial break on time.

Cee Lo does a quick Brando impression. Which makes sense because minus the sunglasses he looks like he’s from the Island of Dr. Moreau.

Adam says Tony insisted on doing this song and thinks it turned out great. His little Mousketeer is all grown up.

Erin Willet is up next sounding like, what I imagine Barbara Streisand would sound like in her car if someone replaced the Prince of Tides soundtrack she has on repeat in her car with a David Guetta CD. This was not a bad version of Without You and stands a good chance of getting middle aged Jewish women all over the country into R&B.

Christina thinks it was unique and original. Probably not as unique and original as she is, but still pretty good.

Cee Lo also liked it and said he’s enjoying himself tonight. Which is pretty clear. You know why it’s clear. Because his terrifyingly happy eyes are on display for all the world to see.

Blake says he would give anything for one tenth of the talent Erin has. Maybe not many of his millions of dollars, but anything else.

Chris Mann takes the stage next with Ave Maria. Look Chris, I can do opera as well as the next person, but this is primetime television in America. You need to take your “music” back to Downton Abbey. If it’s not in an Apple commercial I have no time for it.

Cee Lo thinks that Chris is the epitome of this show. Christina pretends to understand what that means.

Adam thought the performance was classy and classic.

Christina is so excited by Chris’ performance that she decides to join him on stage. Aaaaand, her pants are actually just fishnet stockings. Let’s just go ahead and nix that classy comment.

Batting cleanup is Jamar Rogers singing “If You Don’t Know Me By Now.” Other than the fact that someone seemed to ask Journey’s guitar player to join in this arrangement, this was a great performance. Jamar can sing. And also sang. Get this man a soul band and I will buy his CD.

Adam and Blake are both short and to the point. Jamar was very good. Thank you gentlemen. I appreciate your brevity.

Now what will Christina have to say? Oh she wants to sing some of the song too? Why certainly. I’m pretty sure her contract does two things: allows her to sing whenever she wants and gives her immunity for any nip slips.

OK, we’ve hit the halfway point and it’s time for Adam and Cee Lo, with their powers combined, to form the first of the two “super group” performances. Their teams are singing “All These Things I’ve Done” by the Killers. The fact that Juliet and Jamar can’t both be in the finals is a great TV tragedy. The only thing that balances this out is that there won’t be another season of Khloe and Lamar.

Post commercial, we go to Christina Milian’s special room where NOBODY CARES WHAT SHE SAYS! Her role on the show is akin to Brooke Burke’s role on Dancing with the Stars; wearing pretty things on their pretty bodies. WE GET IT! You’re pretty. Learn to say something I care to listen to and then we’ll talk.

Jermaine Paul chooses Journey’s “Open Arms” because, somehow, it shows how much he loves his wife, who DIDN’T decide to stay with him because of his voice. I’ll believe that when women stop liking the Lifetime Television for Women Channel.

Secretly, inside every woman is the need to have a gorgeous ripped man sing a love ballad to them. Any woman who denies this should not be trusted.

Christina says “You came in and you killed that song.” And I dig that about you. Killing things, it’s just so sexy.

Cee Lo says that he loves hearing strong male vocals on such a sweet song being sung for him. Cee Lo just got in touch with his lady side. And judging by his shirt, it looks like it’s a cat lady.

Adam tells Jermaine he is no longer a background singer, my friend. This seems like a bold statement to make when the competition isn’t even over. How do you think Jermaine will feel when he has to crawl back to Alicia Keys at the end of the day Adam? Or did you not even think of that? I’m pretty sure you didn’t think about that.

Blake says Jermaine is peaking at the right time. Wait, is that Samuel L Jackson talking to Siri. Ha ha, HOT-spacho. Oh Samuel.

It’s Katrina Parker’s turn and she just can’t believe that Adam Levine, the backup singer from Maroon 5, the man who loves cardigan sweaters almost as much as he loves himself, the most slender human on the judges panel, the man who cannot seem to condense his comments if his life depended on it, actually believes in her, Katrina Parker. She sings the Fugees version of “Killing Me Softly” because she needed to differentiate herself from Adele. JK, she will never stop trying to be Adele. Exhibit A: refusal to take off Adele wig.

Blake says it’s hard to believe that she was sitting in a cubicle just a little while ago. Believe it Blake, some of us have office jobs.

Christina tells Katrina that she has been falling in love with her, but will never love her more than her bedazzled wacktastic tiara sitting on her very head tonight. Just when I thought Christina was taking a turn for the more sophisticated classy look…

Cee Lo says some things but I can’t take him seriously in cat shirt, even though it my be one of the most normal outfits he’s ever worn in his life.

Adam says that Katrina didn’t sound like Lauren Hill, she sounded like Katrina Parker. And Adele.

Now it’s Blake’s turn to shine with his new single “Over”. It’s about time! He never gets any attention.

After Lindsay Pavao says she needs to prove that she is more than just a one-dimensional singer, she chooses to sing Bon Iver’s “Skinny Love”. During her performance, she sings well enough, but the really interesting thing is all the facial expressions of the guitar player behind her. He either thinks he has to be expressive to sing to children or he’s orgasming.

Cee Lo says he’s more into big love. Fat ladies. That’s what he claims he likes.

Adam says that he loves the show. We know that Adam. The show is what keeps your filthy cardigan hoarding habit alive.

Blake is glad Lindsay went back to what she does best, being a hipster.

Christina screams when people yell out they love her. Appropriate response.
She then walks all the way up to the stage to give Lindsay a hug, in a way very reminiscent of a Snooki-like “yay” strut.

Just when I think we’re down to our last artist, The Voice goes and tricks me with yet another group performance. This time it’s Gaga’s Edge of Glory. Am I going loopy or is this rendition taking on a disco feel? Is that John Travolta back there?

Last but not least, it’s Juliet Simms, my personal favorite. It’s coming down to the wire and she’s getting all emotional. I feel confident though, that if she doesn’t win this, she’ll still get a record deal out of this. She sings James Brown’s “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World” and I seriously feel like she’s Janis Joplin’s reincarnate.

Boy are those some shoulder pads!

Adam says that Juliet is the one to beat tonight. I agree.

Christina says that the song reminded her of herself at a young age. Of course.
Cee Lo, you murdered it. You saw that song, thought it was a weak, unsuspecting victim, stalked it for a while, picked a weapon and just slayed it, messily, without even bothering to clean it up. And it rocked my world.

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