The Voice: This Reminds Me of Duck Season!

Now it’s Cee-Lo’s turn to feel the excruciating pain that both Christina and Blake went through last week. A pain they barely felt and have totally forgotten about this week. The only reason they remembered to show up tonight was because there was the promise of Krispy Kreme Donuts at the end of the show.

It’s a shame you let go of this magnificent hair Blake.

Carson asks Blake how he feels about letting go of Raelynn last week and Blake is reminded that there was a little pixie that ran around on stage in poofy skirts, and it wasn’t just a dream he thought he had after demolishing a box of Little Debbies.

Christina is back to her extension wearing ways and I can’t help but wonder whether or not she is wearing a bra and if that in fact is the right choice.

She pulls out a fan because she’s a geisha because someone farted. What has this show become? A parade of gasular explosions??

Jamar Rogers is singing “It’s my life”. During his rehearsal time, he tells Cee-Lo that his songs saved his life. Shouldn’t he be using this time practicing?

Only Cee-Lo can take a classic song and turn it into something that totally confuses me and makes me question whether or not the song is off key. I know that it makes me uncomfortable, like other songs that are off-key, but Jamar doesn’t seem to show any signs of fear, so maybe?

Adam: “You are exactly where you need to be: With Cee-Lo.” Meaning, you have a weird-ass voice and that’s what Cee-Lo likes. That and leggy ladies that he can put in their place with his overwhelming sense of power in the big red spin-y chair.

Blake: “You’re really good, it irritates me.” Team spirit!

Christina: “You’re not even on my team and you’re one of my favorites in the competition.” Now how is the rest of your team going to feel about that Christina? Did you even stop to consider for a minute, their feelings?

Cee-Lo: “J-bird, J-bird. I want to pause for one minute and listen to the love.” Wait, is this Cee-Lo love or is this Jamar love? He was not super clear about where the love was going in this scenario.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII’m going to eat this mic.

Katrina meets with Adam to go over her game plan and decides to sing “Jar of Farts.” Ha ha, just kidding! Look at me! Joking about farts just like the judges!

Adam says that no one should rest because Katrina is going to knock it out of the park. That goes for whoever has been doing her hair. WAKE UP FROM THAT NIGHTMARE AND FIX THAT GIRL’S HAIR FOR CHRISSAKES!

They are trying so hard to turn this poor girl into Adele. From her hair, to her make-up, to her arm movements, to her girth, she couldn’t be more like Adele. Why are we trying to have a new Adele? The original Adele is still doing ok. We can’t possibly be tired of her already can we? I mean, she won like 6 Grammy’s.

Blake: “Your voice had this rasp to it and that was just awesome.” How do you say your name again? Uh-Dell? Or is it A-Dell?

Christina: “Who is going to outlive who?’ I don’t know. Is it the woman who won 6 Grammy’s and has one of the most complete albums I have listened to in the past four years or is it going to be this girl from a reality show who’s name I can barely remember?

Cee-Lo: “It’s like seeing you for the first time.” It is actually the first time Cee-Lo’s seen you, what with all the other models he was concerned with, he did not even notice you. But now that they’re gone, you’re great!

Adam: “You were not one of my favorites on my team.” Ouch! Burn! Let it burn while I cried…

We come back from commercial to see Cee-Lo inside a black and white tv inside my tv. [Mind blown]

Then Cee-Lo and his ladies step out of the black and white tv to be in full color. [Mind Blown time 2]

Blake Shelton seems to actually be enjoying a song that doesn’t have a lap steel guitar. [Mind blown time 3]

Mathai, my little flower, is forced to sing “I’m Like a Bird” by Adam the Cardigan tyrant.

Why did he do this to her? My precious little lady flower!

This was not her best and I was too busy worrying about whether or not ribbon man in the back was going to fall on his face during the “flying,” What if he landed on her?? He would have crushed my little flower!

Blake: “I could do without Captain America in the back.” My sentiments exactly. Never thought I would be agreeing with Blake, but the man has a point. What if my precious little lady flower was squished by the Captain? What whimsical singing would I listen to then?

Christina: “It sounded a little force-fed.” Awwww Naw you didn’t Christina! Do you tell a parent how to parent? Do you tell a parent how to parent? Then you sure as shit shouldn’t tell a fellow coach how to coach! Now step off sweater-man Adam!

Adam: “I wanted to see you happy and carefree.” How could she be carefree Adam? There was a man hanging from the rafters above her, swinging around wildly. You try standing up there singing somebody else’s song while Tarzan does a jig with some satin, the most slippery material known to man.

Unfortunately, I had to find out from Christina Milian that Pip’s fans have nicknamed themselves the “Pipsters.” Why would you do that to yourselves? Nobody in the media ever burdened you with such a terrible name; they are way cleverer than that, coming up with things like Jolie-Pitt.

James Massone is still around, which is also unfortunate, but I am feeling lucky today…

He’s singing “Just the Way You Are” and by the sound of his rehearsal, it’s not gonna be good. Or who knows, maybe he’s had 6 years of practice since his rehearsal day with Cee-Lo and now he’s nailed it.

James has decided to take his letterman jacket one step further by putting studs in it and basically looking like he fell in a box of pushpins.  He then tries to woo a girl they paid to stand in the fake window. It’s a good thing she was told to hit a mark that was closer to James because otherwise, his wooing is none too convincing. It could be the headband.

Blake: “You sang that song great but I don’t know how I feel about that.” I disagree with the first part of that statement, but I am also confused about how to feel. I am feeling more aligned with Blake Shelton every day. And it scares me.

Christina: “I felt like that was kind of like what happened last week.” And every week he’s been here. He can only do one thing and that is WEAR HEADBANDS. Everything else he’s sort of marginal at.

Adam: “I loved it.” No one asked you Adam, in fact, you cut into valuable commercial time that this show needs to stay afloat just so you could give an opinion that Carson SPECIFICALLY tried to avoid.

Cee-Lo: “If the women are affectionate towards you, they will reciprocate that love and give it right back to you.” Cee-Lo just talked himself into a circle. Of course Cee-Lo’s main concern in the music industry IS lady love…

Cee-Lo is performing again! He just can’t get enough of that sweet stage! How he got Goodie Mob into those costumes, I will never know.

This glow-toothed performance is a far cry from their early 90’s rap days. If only they could see what awaited them in the future, I wonder how many of them would have chosen life.

Tony Luca is having his special time with Adam and Adam is trying REALLY hard to listen to his family problems.

Tony sings the creepiest version of “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I have ever heard. Take that Christina! Teaches you to comment on a fellow Mouseketeer.

The camera pans to Adam and he is happier than a pig in shit. He has been wanting to get Christina back since she ate the sleeves off his sweatshirt before the show started.

Christina: “Let’s have a mouseketeers reunion.” With the REAL mouseketeers who went on to make something of themselves. JK. Just the mouseketeers with failed marriages.

Blake: “It pisses me off because that was really smart.” It makes Blake angry when anyone else shows that they can use the space in between their ears, when he’s still figuring out what that space is for.

Adam: “I love you.” His true feelings revealed.

Cee-Lo and Cheesa believe that Cheesa is this generation’s power vocalist, so he has her sing Whitney Houston’s “I have nothing”.

One thing I noticed, no topless men. I believe that is the number requirement in a diva’s rider.

Christina: “This week, Team Cee-Lo is where it’s at!” That’s what you get for putting a Brittney Spears song on this stage in front of my face Adam. No team love from me!

Cee-Lo: “[just grinning].” In the absence of his cat, Cee-Lo is emulating the Cheshire cat. He can’t record a live show without a cat or an imitation of a cat. It’s in his diva rider.

Hold on to your hats Pipsters! Pip is wearing a shirt that will blind all his tween fans and a bowtie that personally upsets me. Deeply.

He decides to sings Keen’s “Somewhere only we know.” SANS BOWTIE!!

He’s growing up Pipsters. Your little man is wearing white pants and flow-y blouses to achieve full Michael Bolton status.

Blake: “I can’t believe you don’t have a bowtie! It’s like me without alcohol.” Wait, did Blake just overcome the lofty hurdle of denial in front of America? Or is he trying to bite off some of that Brad Paisley fame?

Adam: “No one has seen that side of you yet.” The side withOUT the bowtie.

Now it’s Adam’s turn to perform with his team. Pip’s bowtie is back! Thank you Jesus!

Adam looks like a little ferret behind the drums, and that makes me like him a little more. Ferrets with drumsticks are some of the most adorable ferrets out there.

The final performance is Juliet Simms sings Aerosmith’s “Crying”.

We learn that Juliet was pushed into a girl band, which is legitimately the worst place to be.  But it’s all good now because she’s blonde with wings, which is TOTALLY different that girl band outfits.

Blake: “It brought back memories of duck season.” This implies that Blake brought his shotgun to the taping and as soon as the moment is right he’s gonna snag himself some dinner.

Christina: “It’s almost like you blackout on stage.” Wait, no , that’s what I do when I perform; drink away the better part of a bottle a JD, wipe away my tears with my weave and then, IT’S SHOWTIME.

Cee-Lo: “My little red corvette.” Does that mean you want to ride inside her?

It’s time for: INSTANT ELIMINATIONS!

Before eliminating someone, Cee-Lo reads a poem he wrote on his iphone, or that someone else wrote and sent to his iphone.

Congratulations! You lost!

YES!!!! The good lord loves me! James is going home tonight!!! No more headbands! No more letterman jackets! No more preteen dreams!

It’s Adam’s turn and he talks so much for so long that Pip is frozen in fear mode. Someone needs to shake him or something so he doesn’t look like a deer in headlights on the stage.

Pip is going home! Shouldn’t have lost the bowtie buddy. That was your one true shot at fame. If only you wore the sparkly blue one…

 

 

 

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