Well, we’re back – and we have a lot to get to. Last episode, each judge chose three contestants for their respective teams. In this episode, they have to add five artists to their teams in the same amount of time. It’s a good thing the producers took several precious minutes to catch us up on the last episode.
Wait, is that Frenchie Davis?
Yes, yes it is. Luckily, this isn’t the type of show where you need to catch every episode to know what’s going on, so let’s move on.
Carson Daly is promising us an ending that “nobody saw coming.” This had better be good or I want my money back.
The first artist is a professional background singer. Cherie Oakley has worked with Carrie Underwood and Reba McEntire, but all she wants is a little recognition – and world fame. Is that too much to ask? Cherie hasn’t even auditioned yet and she’s already crying. She’s worked so hard for this, darn it! But could the fact that she’s singing a Miranda Lambert song ruin her chances? Probably.
If you were auditioning in front of Natalie Portman, would you do a monologue from “Black Swan?” Of course, I don’t know why you’d audition for Natalie Portman, but she does have plenty of time to fall from grace and end up running a regional theatre company, so the possibility is always there.
Oh geez. “Gunpowder & Lead?” I absolutely HATE that song!
Needless to say, Blake never turns his chair. And his criticism is harsh: If you’re going to do a song by the judge’s fiancée, you have to do it better. Or at least different. Ouch! Luckily, Christina swoops in at the last minute to save her, so Cherie has a chance at fame yet!
Devon Barley is taking time off from med school (that’s right, med school) to become a singer. His parents must be so proud. Actually, they’re not, but this is Devon’s life and he has to follow his dreams, not his father’s footsteps. Yes, his dad is a doctor – actually he’s a chiropractor, which isn’t the same thing, but everyone has their fantasies, right?
While singing “I’m yours,” Devon learns about the harsh realities of the music industry: If you suck, you won’t get a recording contract. Not that he sucks, but I have a feeling med school comes easier to him.
Don’t quit your day job, Devon.
Needless to say, no one turns their chairs – until the very last second! Psyche! Cee Lo presses his button – and of course whatever Cee Lo does, Adam has to do, so he presses his button too. Devon chooses Adam, but not before Blake points out what he didn’t like about Devon’s voice. Do you think Blake sits around and critiques Miranda Lambert all day? Cuz it’s starting to feel like he’s a little bit judgmental. Regardless, a very happy Devon is sent off, finally having earned his parent’s love.
Med school schmed school. I want to sing!
Joshua Hand thinks he’s really, really funny. He’s so funny he points to his hand while saying his last name – in case you didn’t know what a hand was.
So this is where I’m from in Michigan.
Even Josh’s mother points out how funny he is, and it’s pretty apparent she’s been protecting him his whole life. Mothers do that though. My mom told me I was beautiful when all her friends were smirking at the ugliest kid in the room. I’m serious. I had one of those faces only a mother could love. Pictures don’t lie.
Joshua sings Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi” with an acoustic guitar, and not only is it not a great fit for him, but it sounds like he’s gasping for air. I don’t think Joshua even did the prelim round – I think he just slipped past security, ran up on the stage and started playing guitar. Needless to say, he’s rejected – but at least he’s smiling. Josh runs backstage into the arms of his mother, who speaks to him like he’s a 2-year-old:
You did a great job, boo-boo! Way to give it your best shot!
Something tells me Josh is still going to be living with his parents when he’s 40.
At 16, Raquel Castro is the youngest contestant – and having only been training professionally for a couple of months, probably the least experienced. None of this is helped by the fact that she looks like she’s 12. Despite her lack of experience, she sounds pretty good. But not good enough for Blake to press his button. He feels bad though, and tries to convince Adam to take her on to relieve some of his guilt. But it’s Christina who chooses her in the end, causing Raquel’s mom to have a royal meltdown.
Noooo! That was my dream! My dream, dammit!
Unlike her mother, Raquel is extremely happy. The kid is adorable, though, and Christina loves loves loves her. Based on her own experience, Christina knows that “great things come in small packages.” I’m not entirely sure what she’s talking about. Have you seen her boobs lately?
My voice isn’t the only thing that’s projecting.
The whole thing goes over Raquel’s head. It doesn’t matter – she’s made it. Now Raquel and her stage mom can finally reap the benefits of all that hard work they’ve put in over the past few… months.
We represent the Lollipop Guild…
We have another contestant who is shrouded in mystery. All we know is it’s a tall woman with a deep voice who goes by the name of Emily Valentine. They way they play it off you would swear Emily was a man, but when they pan up to the big reveal, Emily is just another bleach blond, tatted-up rocker who’s covering Pink’s “Sober.” Blake loves her. Cee Lo loves her – but Cee Lo actually knows Pink, so it’s a done deal.
I can make things happen for you – if you know what I mean, baby!
Cee Lo is elated when Emily picks him. He’s so excited he accidentally bumps into her and buries his head in her breasts.
Is that a tall blond in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
The next couple of contestants aren’t very important – they end up on teams but are completely brushed over for time’s sake. Cee Lo chooses Niki Dawson but doesn’t accost her nearly as much as he does Emily. Then Blake chooses Sara Oromchi, and all she gets is a half-hearted hug.
Tim Mahoney has been singing for a really, really long time. He’s had so many close calls he’s lost count. So this is it. If he doesn’t win this he’s done.
Well it doesn’t start off too well for Tim. Adam turns his chair almost immediately, only to become extremely disappointed that Tim’s not a girl. It doesn’t help when Tim gives him the ol’ shout out, exclaiming “That’s my boy.” Nope, if Adam could take it back he would, but now he’s stuck with this dude.
Do I tell her she has a penis?
It wouldn’t be so bad if Adam didn’t feel the need to embarrass the poor guy by explaining his inner thoughts, followed by Blake further discussing his genitalia and making a gay joke – cuz we all know how much everyone loves a good gay joke! Poor Tim looks mortified, but he laughs it off. Hell, call him a girl all you want – if he wins this thing he’ll be laughing all the way to the bank.
At only 18, Julia Eason is making the transition from soccer player to amateur singer. It seems like she’s pretty good at whatever she does. Her life seems perfect, so if you’re old, unsuccessful and bitter, you can hate her even more when Cee Lo and Christina turn their chairs and everyone sings her praises. Oh, and she’s humble, too. Like a true professional, Julia feigns excitement and complains about how hard her choice is before finally picking Christina. She is still a teenager, after all.
OMG, I’m just so surprised. This has never happened to me befo–
Eff it, I pick Christina!
Angela Wolf is another country girl who’s obsessed with Blake Shelton. She explains how she wants to “turn Blake around,” which in country song language means she wants to steal him from his woman. And if she doesn’t get what she wants… well, she’s going to stop following him on Twitter. But she’ll still keep living in the bushes outside his house.
I’m coming for you, Blake. I am Miranda Lambert! I am!
So what do you do when you’re psychotic and you want to get the attention of a country music star? Sing one of his fiancée’s songs, of course! Well, we’ve already learned from Cherie that this is not a good idea, and Angela is forced to belt out “The House That Built Me” completely in isolation, with the judges’ backs turned to her the whole time. Don’t worry, says Angela to the camera, I’ll be back. And I think she will. With a knife.
Tyler Robinson grew up Mormon, and they produce great entertainers, so he’s good. He ends up paired with Blake.
Oh you want the back story on Tyler? Well, he’s gay, which is a huge conflict with his religious upbringing. But he has a wonderfully supportive mother who saw his potential and taught him how to sing. But here’s the catch – Tyler’s dad doesn’t know he’s gay. So he comes out ON NATIONAL TELEVISION to his father. I’m sure that cleared their strained relationship right up.
It’s ok, Tyler. I’m sure your dad wasn’t very surprised.
Nakia is so confident he only goes by one name, like Cher and Madonna. In fact, he’s so sure of himself that he’s going to sing Cee Lo’s “Forget You.” Nakia knows it’s risky, but it’s a risk he’s willing to take. He explains his tactic to Carson Daly, who looks like he could care less but is contractually obligated to respond.
I am trying so hard to look interested right now.
Nakia gives the song his own touch by looking and sounding like a Blues Brother. Cee Lo has a much better attitude than the country boy, so he slams his button just to get a glimpse of this guy. And this is what he sees:
Guess which one I am – Elwood or Jake?
Did I mention Nakia is a bit arrog-, um, confident? After telling Christina it’s her loss for not choosing him, Nakia makes Blake and Cee Lo really fight it out for him, only to make the obvious choice in the end. And if I have to name his choice you really need to get your I.Q. tested.
Nakia’s partner Robert is so proud of him. Robert’s been supporting Nakia all these years while he follows his dreams. And if the history of fame serves me correctly, Nakia has a 100% chance of staying with him forever and not dumping him for a younger, hotter guy once he makes it.
After they divvy up a few more nameless contestants amongst the judges, there’s a bunch of rejections. Too many rejections. In fact, there’s not enough singers at this point to fill the team openings. But we’ll deal with that later. We still have three contestants to get to and I’m tired.
Dia Frampton is super nervous. But she doesn’t sing a Miranda Lambert song, so Blake pushes his button immediately. Cee Lo eventually joins him, but only to hit on her. The poor girl looks so uncomfortable. After an awkward silence, she chooses Blake – and wisely so. It’d be hard to be around Cee Lo with all that sexual energy oozing out of his body.
Curtis Grimes is a country boy, complete with cowboy hat, boots and deep Southern accent. He’s going to sing “Hillbilly Bone,” which – you guessed it – is a Blake Shelton song. Oh no, says Carson in monotone, “He’s. Out. Of. His. Mind.” Regardless of how it comes out of Carson’s mouth, he’s right. The guy sings it super slowly, just to make sure he enunciates all the words so there’s no doubt in Blake’s mind it’s one of his songs. And in case you want to know what’s going on in Blake’s mind:
Kill! Kill! Kill!
Needless to say, Blake is unimpressed. But Cee Lo presses his button, for reasons I’m still trying to understand. Just a side note: Hillbilly Bone? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
Tori and Taylor Thompson are sisters – and our final contestants. They’re small town farm girls who have sung together at many a county fair. And here’s a bit of trivia – they raise pigs. You know what that say about owners who start to look like their pets? Well…
Let’s revert to our secret twin talk so no one knows what we’re saying. Oink. Oink.
These two kind of make you want to throw up even before they start singing. But when they pipe out “Stuck Like Glue,” the gag reflex actually kicks in. It’s obvious these girls have been on stage before – a pageant stage, most likely. They sing and act like they’re auditioning for the Disney Channel. Since Cee Lo seems to be losing his touch, he presses his button for them.
Well, those were our last contestants, so we’re done, right? “Not. So. Fast,” says Carson Daly. We still have four spots left to fill. In perhaps the only real scripted moment of the show so far, Christina pretends to come up with the idea of re-auditioning some of the rejected contestants. “That’s. A. Great. Idea,” says Carson. But here’s the deal: Even though the judges have decided who they want to bring back, the chosen artists have to sing a completely different song. The judges who have open slots on their teams will still sit with their backs to the contestant so they don’t know who it is. Even though they’ve already met them and asked them to come back.
Cee Lo is exempt from this mess – and he couldn’t look happier about it. But it only takes having to listen to five contestants to fill the final four slots, so it’s not too painful. Who gets a second chance?
- Lily Elise was a featured reject this episode, and all we know about her is Christina wishes she picked her the first time. So she picks her the second time to complete her team. No big whoop.
- Sonia Rao (the chick without the backup plan) is rejected again. And it is so, so painful to watch. College sounds pretty good right about now, doesn’t it, darling?
- Jared Blake – the guy from last episode with six kids – does a much better job this time. He makes it onto Blake’s team and gets another chance at fame – which is good, because he probably really needs the money.
- Adam finally completes his last two slots with Casey Weston, a Taylor Swift wannabe and Angela Wolff, who sings “Rolling in the Deep” very angrily at Blake Shelton.
Remember how I said earlier there was going to be a surprise at the end? I’m still not sure what it is. I think it may have had something to do with the second chances, but since they never referenced it again one can’t be sure. Oh well.
Next week starts the battle round! I just hope Blake Shelton makes it through the rest of the series without getting murdered.
Well, as the judges said to this episode’s rejects, this isn’t the end for you – it’s just the end of your journey here. Good bye!