The Voice: The First Official Results Show!

I’m sorry I’m a little behind this week. My computer died – but I’d like to thank Flipit for lending me one so I can dutifully bring you your weekly fill of quality family entertainment.

 

A reality television singing competition isn’t truly a reality television singing competition until we have a results show, is it? Well, the producers finally figured that out, and we get two episodes of “The Voice” instead of one this week. Hooray.

Carson starts the show with some big news: All eight semi-finalists are charting on the top 100 on iTunes, with Dia and Javier in the top five. Beverly is #1 on rock charts, and Carson gives an honorable mention to Maroon 5 and Adam and even Christina for Moves Like Jagger, which is right behind Bev at number two. That’s embarrassing.

And Blake Shelton gets shit. No one over the age of 13 wants to listen to “Honey Bee,” apparently. No one wants to listen to it ever again.

Then the eight semi-finalists sing a mash-up of “Freedom” and “Faith,” so somebody high up in the show must be friends with George Michael.

This is best line dance ever, you guys!

Everyone gets a lyric or two to showcase their talents. Except for Nakia. He gets to sing like, half the song. And it wouldn’t be half bad if his plastic orange sunglasses weren’t so distracting.

Why? Because I can.

 

This time, Cee Lo is the winner of the most ridiculously dressed judge.

I’m paying my respects to Liberace.

 

Well, that’s what I thought, until I see Christina’s hair, which is basically a combination of hairstyles from the previous two shows. Yes, Christina is fitted with a pink, platinum crimped side-braid.

Since none of the contestants have prepared songs this round, Carson spends the rest of the segment recapping the last show. Then he cuts to Allison in the V-Room. In her usual mile-a-minute banter, Allison reads us a Tweet from a dude named Trent who loves Christina Aguilera. Trent wants to thank her for introducing him to Beverly McClellan and Frenchie Davis… I’m sorry Trent… Have you been living under a rock for the past several years? Have you really never heard of Frenchie Davis? Have you never heard of the Broadway musical “Rent?” OK, how about “American Idol?” Are you a small child who wasn’t old enough to remember her scandal? And if so, why are your parents allowing you to Tweet? My goodness, Trent, get off the couch and go outside for once!

Speaking of Beverly, it’s her turn to be interviewed in the V-Room. The question? “How does it feel knowing one of you is going home when you and Frenchie are so close?” Well, it’s hard, says Bev, but no matter what happens, we’ll be friends for life. Translation: I’m gonna kick her butt and she can deal with it. I have plenty of friends anyway, thank you. Meanwhile, Frenchie spoons her from behind in a united effort to prove their friendship.

Get off my back.

 

Oh, and it was Carson’s birthday on Wednesday. Sorry you missed it.

 

Now it’s time to get on to the nitty-gritty. The results are a combination of both the judges’ scores and America’s votes. Both total 100 and are of equal weight. But there’s not a lot of surprises, considering the winners are the same singers Americans voted for in the semi-finals.

 

First up is team Cee Lo. Carson allows Nakia a chance to thank his partner, Robert, for financially supporting him over the years while Nakia pursued his dream. If Nakia becomes famous off of this, he can finally repay Robert back for all he’s done for him.

Don’t count on it, Robert.

 

Vicci’s mom is here for support and her dad is here in spirit. Carson finally gets her to crack when talking about her dad and she almost bursts into tears. But Vicci is a rock, and she composes herself to tell America how happy she is. Class act.

 

Cee Lo keeps it classy as well. He reminds us there’s bigger problems in the world than someone’s dreams getting crushed tonight by talking about our troops coming home. Then he reads an original poem. Well, it’s less of a poem and more of some notes scribbled on paper about what superstars they’ve become that ends with, “The revolution is being televised. Red till I’m dead!”

What?

 

It doesn’t matter. Vicci seems thrilled and Nakia can hardly hold back his tears. “Um, very nice, Cee Lo,” says Carson, talking to him as if he’s a second grader who just finished his art project.

 

But they must get down to business now. Carson reveals Cee Lo’s scores, which they display in a high-tech screen application that looks a little something like this:

And Nakia takes the lead, 51-49.

 

Cee Lo has a right to explain his scores. He gave an extra point to Nakia because Vicci’s drums were so loud he couldn’t really hear her voice, so he had to ding her on that. But it doesn’t matter, when they add America’s scores to the results, Vicci wins by a landslide: 124-76.

Guess you’re footing the bill for the trip home, Robert.

 

Vicci’s on to the finals and she’s having heart palpitations, which I guess is a good thing. No need to call a doctor – plus we need to get on to our next professional performance, which is Cee Lo singing his single, “Bright Lights, Bigger City.” Decked out in a prohibition-era suit and wig, Cee Lo is flanked by flappers and plays up some comedic moves. They give him a hat, which he can’t exactly put on because of his wig (that really didn’t look planned), then he summons the band to start playing with some sort of magic wand, then he summons the girls off the stage so he can have it all to himself. Nothing about what he’s doing makes much sense this episode, but he’s always fun to watch.

The song fits the era, but it seems at times that Cee Lo is having trouble breathing and chokes out some of the lyrics. He also has a minor wardrobe malfunction – after he rips off his sunglasses he can’t fit them in his pocket, and he ends up throwing them into the audience. He may have just lost $300, but someone got a great souvenir. Otherwise he’s fun to watch. The guy knows how to perform, moving along with his dancers just having a grand time on stage.

I have GOT to start laying off the cigars.

 

But enough of the fun stuff. We have to get back to reality. Team Adam is about to make a cut, but let’s first show you how nice we are. Before Adam made his cuts for the semi-finals, he treated his four remaining team members to watch him jam with Gym Class Heroes. Adam is collaborating with them on their new song, “Stereo Heart.” Poor Maroon 5. Unfortunately he’s not dressed in a suit, but his team seems thrilled they get to watch them in action. After all, this could be them someday.

Let me show you how it’s done, people.

 

Jeff and Devon thought it was amazing. To bad they’re gone. And they’re about to be joined by one more person. Casey and Javier are interviewed by Carson about their feelings, which is better than Allison interviewing them about their feelings. At 18-years-old, Carson reminds Casey most of her friends are spending the summer at minimum wage jobs while she’s on national TV. Yeah, I’m thankful. Thank you Adam, she says through gritted teeth. Then Carson reminds Javier that he’s been away from his family for weeks now. Why does everyone keep doing this to me, says Javier. Hasn’t it been hard enough? Leave me alone, people!

Adam’s scores have a slightly higher margin than Cee Lo’s. He gives Javier a 65, while Casey only gets 35% of his vote. Let me explain, says Adam. It has nothing to do with you as artists (it does). It’s just that Casey is only 18 and she has her whole life to have doors slammed in her face. Javier, as it turns out, is on his last legs as an artist and he has two kids to support, so Adam wants to help him out a little. Oh, and Adam totally hates you, Casey.

As if there’s any need to create some suspense, they cut to commercial before revealing the winner. Nice timing. They come back to Carson, asking the contestants if they’re ready to hear America’s score. “Yeah,” says Casey, totally defeated. Needless to say, when America’s votes are tallied, Javier wins by a landslide, 138-62.

Dude, why are you so surprised by this?

 

Adam tries to give Casey a pep talk, and I don’t think she realizes the cameras are still on her when she tells him she’s mad at him. I don’t think they’ll be keeping in touch. Javier is, as usual, blessed and grateful.

 

On to Team Blake. Blake has taken his final two singers under his wing and for their last hurrah, he gives them the thrill of a lifetime. He takes them to Cincinnati, OH. Huh? No, wait, it gets better. He takes them to Cincinnati, OH on a private jet to watch him in concert. And they don’t just get to watch, they get to watch from backstage. And they don’t just get to watch from backstage, they get to sing with him (unfortunately it’s during “Honey Bee,” but you can’t have everything). And they don’t just get to sing in front of thousands of people, but they get to meet Brad Paisley. And they even get their own electric guitars. Could life get any better? Well, it’s about to – for one contestant. The other one gets sent home with a souvenir guitar.

How do I pick one? Eeny, meeny, miny, moe…

 

During their pre-score interview, Carson tells Xenia we’ve watched her grow up on television – considering we’ve only seen the last nine weeks of her life, that’s stretching it. But Xenia sincerely thanks Blake for all he’s done for her. Dia is much too emotional to talk, barely uttering a word. Blake’s scores are revealed:

It’s a tie!

 

The audience gasps! Blake looks serious as Carson cuts to him. I love them both so much I can’t choose, says Blake. How do you put a number on love?

Oh, Miranda. Can’t we just take them both home?

 

Luckily, Blake doesn’t have to choose. He leaves it to America to be the bad guy. And when the results are revealed, America chooses Dia by a mere 12 points, 106-94. Carson would love to know how she feels about this, but again, Dia has nothing to say. Seriously, says Carson, do you want to say anything, because I’m not standing up here by myself. Nope, says Dia. Blake jumps in before Carson has the chance to strangle her. Dia’s just sad to see Xenia go, says Blake. Nope, thinks Dia.

Last but not least, it’s on to Team Christina. Carson reminds Beverly that she and Frenchie have developed an amazing friendship. “I love her,” says Bev, holding hands with her frienemy. Carson then reminds Frenchie of her scandal, telling her it’s all in the past. Yep, we are so not judgmental like “American Idol.” Well, except for the fact that this is a competition and we have to send one of you home tonight. When asked how she feels about one of her girls going home, Christina says, “I’m sick to my stomach right now.”

Ugh. I just looked in the mirror. Why didn’t somebody tell me my hair looked like this?

 

So are we, Christina. So are we. But get to the scores, we must. And in a strange twist of events, Christina also divides her points 50-50. Considering each of her singers are so individual and unique, Christina just can’t bring herself to say one is more deserving than the other. But America has no problem saying Beverly is better, giving her the edge with 107 points to Frenchie’s 93.

Don’t worry, Frenchie. You’ll always have Broadway. Or porn.

 

But Frenchie doesn’t go home empty-handed. Christina provides her with a lipstick mark on her cheek when she kisses her good-bye. And she’ll always have Beverly.

 

Beverly gets a lipstick mark, too. And she’s thrilled. Well, if we’re going to score it, she’s only about 2% excited by the fact Christina smooched her. The other 98% is because she won.

 

Man, I am SO stoked right now!

 

I’m glad that’s over, says Carson. On the next episode, the finalists will be singing original songs and duets with their coaches.

Can’t wait.