The Voice: This Sounds Bad

Hello lovely readers. I hope you all enjoyed our drinking game in my last MiniCap. Unfortunately, I won’t be incorporating the drinking game into my longer recap. I’d end up writing the word “Drink” after every other sentence, and unfortunately I just don’t have that kind of time.

Our editors chose Christina as the first coach of the night. In return, Christina chose Julia and Raquel to sing Rihanna’s “Only Girl in the World.” Remember Julia? She’s the soccer player who’s making the transition to singing. And Raquel? She’s the cute 16-year-old with a stage mom who’s about to make the transition into total diva bee-atch. Christina is really excited about this one – mainly because both singers remind Christina of her when she started and have a young, fresh energy about them. They better enjoy that feeling now, cuz in 20 years we’re going to hear that the loser of this battle round has all the energy of a washed up, alcoholic middle-aged woman.

So we get a little more background on this Raquel chick. When she was 7-years-old she did the movie “Jersey Girl” – and not just with any old movie stars – with Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. Raquel understands the importance of being a name-dropper in this business (although SOMEBODY forgot to give Liv Tyler, the daughter of “American Idol’s” Steve Tyler, a nod for her role in the film). Raquel explains she’s a triple threat and all she’s ever wanted to do is perform. And I kid you not, the kid has a full bio, professional headshots and resume on IMDB. Raquel’s bio states, “Raquel might as well been born into stardom, because both of her parents are singers/songwriters and singer/actresses.” I didn’t realize that was a pre-cursor to stardom. But I’m sure it’s not like her parents are forcing their children into the industry to make up for the fact they never became famous. And I’m sure they’re not her managers either.

OMG. The whole world wants to smack you so bad right now.

So Julia’s got a problem with nerves during performances – or so she tells her coaches during their feedback session. Cia tells her to just relax her throat for improved pleasure during the performance. And Christina can relate to Julia’s feelings. She gets nervous too! Christina gets so nervous she sometimes she just wants to puke or pee her pants before a show! Then Christina giggles and says she can’t believe she said that on national TV. Because as you know, television is not for the faint of heart. As the second cousin of a member of the nation’s leading independent conservative television monitoring group, I am very, very shocked they didn’t cut that out. I’m gonna write a letter.

Then we have Raquel’s feedback session, where she states she’s a dancer, of course – and wants to know how she can use that quality to stand out. And the judges think that’s a dumb question. They actually tell her not to tap dance, as if she would. Maybe you should work on your pitch instead, says Christina. After all, the show is called “The Voice” and not “The Legs.”

And the performance was fine. Although Carson mistakenly describes Julia as “gritty,” she has a pretty voice. And Raquel does the best Christina Aguilera impression she can muster, although she forgets about the “no dancing” rule. Cee Lo seemed to enjoy it:

Where do you want me to put the dollar, baby?

Christina seems pleased with the performance. Although they both did well, the judges agree that this was Raquel’s moment. And this moment is meant to be shared by her mother, who we cut to bawling backstage. I’m not entirely sure if mom is happy, sad or jealous, but she must be an actress. She’s very emotional.

Poor Julia. She’s definitely better than other people who won their rounds, but she was paired up against Raquel, who just had that little extra spark. Needless to say, Christina chooses Raquel, which makes her mother go absolutely ballistic.

Calm down woman! You don’t see Julia’s parents crying. Geez.

Next is Blake, who for some reason states, “This pairing is going to be more than entertaining for me.” If only he could look into the future. He pairs Dia with Serabee to sing “You Can’t Hurry Love” by the Supremes. And Serabee does not look too happy about it.

I’m not sure that’s the right song for my voice. Why don’t you let me pick the music?

As singers they’re complete opposites. Dia is a shy folk singer, while Serabee is a loud, somewhat obnoxious gospel singer. But Blake is very interested to see where they can take it. And why not? Not every experiment fails, right?

So we learn that Serabee has a lot of experience, actually having performed in front of an audience of 10,000. She leaves out the details, so there’s no way to verify her story. I’m not sure what it is with people’s attitudes this episode, but Serabee comes off as such an egotistical jerk you want her to lose just so she can be put in her place.

Serabee feigns excitement when she meets Reba McEntire during the rehearsal.

Hi I’m Serabee and I’m better than you.

Serabee tries so desperately to get Reba’s attention that poor Dia can barely get out a “Nice to meet you” before it’s time to start singing, which Serabee jumps on to show off her voice first. Poor Dia – she’s extremely intimidated. And it’s made even worse that any time the judges focus on Dia, Serabee looks as though she’s going to bitch-slap her. But Blake is impressed with the rehearsal. Actually, he’s impressed with himself, high-fiving Reba and stating, “Who picked this song? Oh yeah, me!”

We. Are. Awesome.

During the feedback session, Blake suggests he’s on to Serabee and advises her not to over-sing her part. But Serabee grew up singing in the church – and when she sings, she gives people the Holy Ghost. Later she confesses, I’m gonna sing my heart out – and if that outshines Dia, I can’t help that. Here I am. My moment to do what I was born to do.”

You and your expertise can suck it, Blake Shelton – I have Jesus on my side.

Sorry I haven’t said much about Dia. She’s sweet. Unfortunately, a sunny disposition doesn’t win you singing competitions, but in this case, I hope it does.

So the performance is terrible. Neither artist’s voice compliments the other and the two don’t really look like they like each other very much. Dia tries – she bops along as Serabee gets all in Dia’s face as she sings. Needless to say, Serabee does not heed Blake’s advice, and her mistake makes for the worst duet of the competition to date. And the judges are harsh, much to Serabee’s dismay. You can tell she though she absolutely nailed it. Cee Lo calls it odd, but compliments Dia’s voice, which Serabee dismisses with a very impressive eye roll.

Apparently Cee Lo doesn’t notice an amazing singer when he sees one.

To make matters worse, Reba also pisses off Serabee by complimenting Dia on staying true to herself. Blake says his decision is tough for all the wrong reasons, but manages to throw one more jab Serabee’s way by stating, “Just because you can sing certain notes doesn’t mean you have to do it all the time.” Ouch. In the end, he chooses Dia, and the look on Serabee’s face is priceless.

Concert tickets? $100.
Watching an arrogant narcissist get put in her place? Priceless.

So who picked this song, Blake?

Oh, yeah. Me.

Well, that was embarrassing. Let’s cut right to Adam in an attempt to help our viewers forget about that last part. Adam chooses Rebecca and Devon to sing Radiohead’s “Creep.” And you can already tell this pairing is going to be much easier to watch. In case you’ve forgotten, Rebecca is the singer living out of her car, and Devon is the kid who’s taking a break from med school to pursue his dreams. Adam feels like the song is dark and ominous – the complete opposite of Rebecca’s and Devon’s respective personalities. And if there’s anything we’ve learned this episode, it’s you should always sing songs that in no way match your performance style.

Regardless, they’re nice people. Rebecca loves this song and is excited to be working with Devon. But Devon isn’t familiar with “Creep” and has a hard time learning the notes. During the rehearsal, Adam finally breaks down and states, “You know what, I’m gonna sing it for you.”

And make sure you make the orgasm face when you hit the high notes. The ladies love it!

Rebecca’s a pro. I’m not joking. She actually says as a singer, she relies on other singers every day – and competing seems unnatural to her. And the duet is like a real duet – not a fistfight. It’s like Sonny and Cher in the early days – you know, before the fistfights.

Um, did you just brush up against me?

You really don’t want either to lose. And neither do the judges, apparently. Christina is the only judge who suggests Devon should win – but only because she’s bitter Rebecca didn’t choose her during the blind auditions. Cee Lo likes Devon because he doesn’t look like his voice – which I’m not sure is a compliment or not. But it’s Adam’s decision in the end – a decision he can’t seem to make. They’re both so good! After hemming and hawing for about 30 seconds, Adam feels he should make his decision based solely on performance and chooses Devon. I guess he makes it a little better by hugging it out with Rebecca afterwards and telling her to keep following her dream – a dream that now just includes a studio apartment and heat. Ugh. Heart-breaking.

Cee Lo pits the sister act, Tori and Taylor, against Kelsey to sing Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten.” And we pan to the Thompson sisters, who like, are so excited to be working with Kelsey, because like, she has such an amazing voice. We have no idea what Kelsey thinks of the pairing, so I imagine she didn’t exactly return the compliments.

Cee Lo reminds us that Tori and Taylor have their work cut out for them. Not because they suck, but because they have to sing as one unit and compliment each other. And then there’s Kelsey. Oh Kelsey. Remember her? The European internet sensation and pretty girl who wants to be taken seriously for her voice, not her talent? And the Thompson sisters are pig farmers. So this’ll be interesting.

During rehearsal, Monica provides an example of how Kelsey should sing her part, which Kelsey promptly steals – much to Monica’s dismay. Then the blond sister’s voice cracks. Kelsey finally reveals what we’ve known all along – she’s bringing her boxing gloves to kick some pig farmer ass.

See this vein that’s about to pop out of my forehead? You have no idea who you’re dealing with, kids.

During rehearsal, Cee Lo changes his mind and decides Kelsey is at a disadvantage because of the sister’s connection, which makes the sisters very, very sad:

Baby doesn’t like it when Cee Lo plays favorites.

Which in return makes Kelsey very, very sad:

I’m just mocking you. There’s no way I can lose this thing.

So we finally get to the performance. To give them an extra boost, the sisters pray together before they go onstage. Kelsey figures it couldn’t hurt and does the same. Do you think God is up in heaven going, “Well, sisters, you gave it your all, but in the end, I think Kelsey had the stronger voice tonight?” I’m sure He’s putting all the other problems in the world on hold so he can help one of these kids become rich and famous.

Depending on how you look at it, the performance can be considered cute or make you want to vomit. It’s like watching your kids during their third grade talent show – complete with choreography and everything. And it’s obvious that one of the sisters has a much better voice than the other – but I’m not sure who’s who, so I couldn’t tell you which one.

The one on the right. Definitely the one on the right.

It’s a toss-up among the judges. Blake thinks Kelsey should win, Christina sides with the sisters and Adam still can’t make up his mind about anything. He must be a great dinner date. So Cee Lo turns to Monica, who half-heartedly recommends Kelsey. She did steal her moves, after all. But why listen to your advisor? After a super-long pause, Cee Lo chooses the sisters – much to the surprise of Kelsey and everyone else.

That’s ok. There’s plenty of other things you can do on the internet to make money.

Only one more round of this, then on to the live shows! It can only get better – I hope!