The Voice: Xtina, The Only Voice of Reason??

I’m talking. You should really look at me.

After about an hour of explaining about how intense the competition is tonight, we have to hear Adam talk, which is unfortunate. He doesn’t give us any new information and let’s us know that he told his team “to do their best.” Such insight, how could any of them lose? Oh that’s right, Adam’s only going to save one of them tomorrow night, so it doesn’t really matter what they do anyway.

On to Cee-Lo and his attempt to blend in with his chair. Carson asks him if he thinks his team is intimidated by being part of a team with “One of the best live performers in the world” and Cee-Lo doesn’t think so (Way to go demeaning Adam’s live performances. Carson is a master at dissing Adam without him even knowing it. Although, it’s not very hard as Adam is a few slices short of a full loaf.  A few crayons short of a box.

But I don’t know if he’s telling the truth because he is sweating bullets. Just huge beads of sweat falling down his little bald head.

Adam decides to diss on Blake’s jacket ”It’s actually the same color as crap”. Good one Adam! Recycling snaps from the 5^th grade! Congrats!

I’m sexy, look! Mmmmm this microphone looks so tasty.

Katrina Parker sings what she thinks is the Adele version of the Smashing Pumpkins’ “Tonight Tonight”. It is not.

Katrina is trying desperately hard to look like Adele so that a lay person may mistake her for the star, but in order for us laypeople to do that, she would actually have to be good.

Christina: “I thought it was captivating.” In that I felt like I was held captive and forced to listen to this dreck.

Cee-Lo: “It’s not supposed to be a performance, Billy Corgan’s way of singing it is more cathartic.” Your cat singing it would be more cathartic than her version Cee-Lo.

Adam: “I’m really happy with you. What you did was you listened to me…” And nobody does that. Look at the way Carson always cuts me off!! You’re the only one who understands! I love you Katrina!

Sadly, this photo does not do her drag-face makeup justice.

Cheesa decides to sing “Don’t Leave Me This Way” by Thelma Huston. Who gave her that name? It looks like you would pronounce it CHEESE-UH but apparently her parents were huge into the chess, because it does not sound the way it looks.

Cheesa sounds awesome but her make-up is reminiscent of every drag queen that headlines “Ladies” Night at the Hamburger Mary’s in Boy Town.

Blake: “That was like watching solid gold.” I was unaware that solid gold could sing.

Adam: “I think you’re a great singer, but what’s going to make it pop so much we all freak out.” Because that’s what I like in my music: a panic attack.

Cee-Lo: “It was electrifying. I enjoyed it.” You’re biased Cee-Lo, but you can do no wrong.

Clean up on aisle stage!

Tony Lucca, the former mouseketeer, is up next. How depressing must that be that you were in the Mouse Club with Christina, only to watch her climb to the top and then be judged by her in the future. Yeeesh!

He decides to sing “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel, but the only person I will ever accept singing this is Peter Gabriel.

Set design took the song title way too seriously and just projected a bunch of eyes on to the screen behind him, which is very disconcerting. I had great trouble watching this performance and an equal amount of difficulty listening to it.

Christina: “I find you to be very one-dimensional.” Burn! Wicked burn Xtina! No love for your fellow mouseketeer.

Adam: “I’m really happy about how this room felt for the last three minutes.” A perfect 73 degrees. Best.

I’m auditioning for the role of Sea Witch.

Kim Yarbrough attempts to sing Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” which isn’t a song that everyone on American Idol this year has chosen. I wish she didn’t choose it. It felt like traveling on a rocky road in an open-faced carriage while getting rocks pelted at my head until my brain rattled with discomfort. Unfortunate.

Blake: “It got better as it went along.” It was the best when it ended.

Cee-Lo: “It was such a safe song, I don’t know if I loved it.” Well Cee-Lo, she was at least 10 sizes bigger than every contestant you “love”.

Adam: “This wasn’t perfect, but nothing ever is.” I hope you know that applies to you as well Adam.

You like my headband? How ’bout you? YOU like my headband?

James Massone sings “Don’t Know Why” by Nora Jones, which is perfect for his womanly vocal chords. It’s really upsetting and incongruous that he wears a headband with a bedazzled letterman jacket. Gross.

He is destined for a lifetime of Boy Band-Hood, where he will only be responsible for interjecting “Hmmmms” and “Yeah Baby”s.

Blake: “I almost threw my panties on the stage.”

Christina: “There were some pitch problems tonight.” Christina is the only rational judge here tonight.

Cee-Lo: “So cool and calm and collected. Just paid a little too much attention to the ladies.” Those ladies are MINE kid. Back the F-off!

Sting? Wait no. That’s not Sting.

Juliet Simms is singing “Roxanne” because Cee-Lo thinks she is Sting. Cee-Lo, Sting is a man and I think Juliet is a lady.

She manages to rock the shit out of the song, really changing it up and actually doing something entertaining for the first time in an hour.

Adam: “This pisses me right off. This is the best performance by far.” Ha. Take that Adam! Cee-Lo wins!

Christina: “I second everything Adam said.”

Blake: “Now I get it. I get what the fight is about.” Welcome to the program Blake.

Cee-Lo: “Wow lady just wow.” Ditto.

She’s just an angel.

Next up it’s Mathai singing John Legend’s “Ordinary People”. She was freaking awesome! I can’t believe she’s 18.

Christina: “It was a little loungy for me.” You think anything without glitter atop your cantaloupe tits isn’t worth performing. Sometimes people enjoy a mellow song Xtina.

Blake: “It’s crazy that you’re that young and you have that much confidence.” I still don’t have that kind of confidence and I’m old man river age.

Adam: “I think you’re magical hot.” She’s just barely legal Adam, by a hair. You got lucky. You can have this one.

I love eyeliner.

Tony Vincent sings “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears and is confident he can rock it. I’m not sure if he did or didn’t rock it because I could not make myself continue to watch it with those terrifying red face men dancing around. Why do they have to have costumes that emerge from my darkest nightmare and choreograph them into the creepiest routines?

Blake: “I don’t know how I feel about the thing that was happening up here.” I know I should have some kind of emotion, but besides arousal, I don’t know what else to feel.

Christina: “Production value was great.” You were there, standing in the middle of it, but the production was truly great.

Cee-Lo: “I truly believe that it is very obvious that my team is very strong.” Way to make it about you Cee-Lo.

I know you can’t see it, but I’m standing on an airplane wing right now.

Karla Davis sings “Airplanes” by B.O.B, which seems like a scary choice, not for her but for my eardrums.

She’s standing on an airplane wing so that we know she is singing about actual airplanes. Thank god. I thought she was singing about metaphorical airplanes.

She looks very uncomfortable, not just because she’s standing on an airplane wing but because she’s having difficulty living up to Adam’s expectations of her.

Christina: “I wasn’t expecting cowboy boots and this song.” And then she showed off a trill, which emphasized how much she did not expect this.

Blake: “That was a very rapid-fire lyric.” No one could ever sing that fast that good. The words don’t even make sense to me when they are spoken faster than a drawl.

Adam: “I heard your nervousness and your breathiness.” I recognized it from the fantasies I have of you breathing.

I don’t have to sing well as long as my legs go up to my neck.

Erin Martin sings “Walk Like an Egyptian” because she thinks she’s Cleopatra. Her performance makes me wish The Shields Brothers were back. They could have been so much more fun to watch through this competition. Damn you Cee-Lo for thinking with your other head!

Blake: “Here we go again with the male strippers.” It is not like a Good Christian to have half naked males dancing around the stage. How is he supposed to focus on Erin with all these supple boys running around her?

Christina: “You could have brought it harder.” And then another example of how she, Christina Aguilera, can sing.

Cee-Lo: “You did a great job and I’m proud of you.” Of course you are Cee-Lo. How could you not be proud when she looks so damn good in a short skirt? Isn’t that all that matters in song?

Cannot compute emotion.

Pip is back! I forgot he existed for a while. He’s singing, “When you were Young” by The Killers. I’m glad to see that he’s finally removed his bowtie for the singing. But then he blows it by putting it back on right before he gets on stage.

I’m not digging the leather jacket/bowtie combo. What stylist allowed this to happen?

Christina: “It came off as trying too hard for me.” You sensed that too Xtina? Man you are on point tonight.

Adam: “I wanted you to be more dangerous and scary.” Really Adam??? You wanted a bowtie-wearing boy named Pip to be dangerous? Try again.

The further I lean back, the more people will like me.

Jamar Rogers sings “Are You Gonna Go My Way” by Lenny Kravitz. Ahhhhhhh! People playing guitars on stilts! Why?? I am going to have nightmares for weeks.

Jamar’s shoes have American Flag wings on them and his red pleather jacket jacket is waaaaaaaaayy too small on him. I think they hired a blind guy to style these kids.

Blake: “I don’t know what in the hell the people on the stilts are doing right now.” I must be getting countrified as this episode goes on because I’m starting to agree with him.

Adam: “This moment proves you embody what this show is.” This show is about having the most amazing, carnival-esque scene going on behind you on stage.

I’m glad this show never strays from it’s original premise: Not judging people by their looks or performance, but by their voice alone.