The Year Without That Lazy Bastard Santa

Recaps

By DearCrabby | Sunday, December 30, 2012 | 12:00 pm | 11 Comments
Tagged: , , , , ,
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Featured, Recaps

So the megaphone rings in the workshop and Santa says to warn the people and call the papers, “he’s too tired for Christmas capers.”  The elves are packing up the sled with all of the work they’ve just done, and juts like corporate America, the execs make a decision to back out of the big presentation.  Why wait until all the work is done to back out?  Santa’s such an asshole!

Then Mrs. Claus, who is clearly on some heavy medication, begins to sing as we see people throwing all of their holiday decorations into the garbage heap.  Duh, you can use them next year if that fat bastard doesn’t pull this crap again.  Oh, and Mickey Rooney is doing the voice of Santa.  No wonder he’s a crabby jerk!  No, wait, that’s Andy Rooney.

Mrs. Claus tells us that all the children were sad because they thought Santa had died.  Well, with that weight, he is a heart-attack waiting to happen.  I bet the elves’ HMO sucks all because of his bad habits.

So the papers get ahold of the story and the quotes are, “Santa Says – Too Tired!” and “Not Coming!”  If TMZ got ahold of this it would be how Santa was ditching out to join celebutard rehab or something.

Mrs. Claus called Jingle and Jangle Bells, two alternative lifestyle elves, and asks to see them. She tries on Santa’s hat and realizes it fits nicely.  OMG, did the feminist movement hit the North Pole?  Looks like Mrs. Claus is thinking about bringing home the bacon and frying it up in the pan.  Unfortunately, they’ll need some Viagra if she doesn’t want to let Santa forget he’s a man.

4-Mrs Claus begins cross-dressingMrs. Claus begins cross-dressing.

She sings a song about who would know the difference if she went as Santa?  “Anyone can be Santa, why can’t a lady like me?”  Yeah, look at the drunkards at the mall molesting your kids who can play Santa.  Then she sings, “I’ve fantasized it a lot,” and she’s lost me until she says, “I’ll be going down the chimneys with his sack,” and I’m back.  Santa’s sack.

Jingle and Jangle show up and Mrs. Claus says she needs them to venture into the world to see if anyone still cares about Santa, since that’s why he wants to stay home.  I think that’s an excuse and he’s just f#cking lazy, but tomato/tomaaahto.  So, go find an example of Christmas spirit from last year, elves!

5-North Pole legalizes gay marriage

The North Pole has legalized gay marriage!?!

So the two elves and little Vixen head down into the real world to find Christmas spirit.  Sounds like the makings of a great B-movie.  Why wouldn’t they send one of the bigger reindeer?  Vixen is tiny!

Santa wakes from his drunken stupor and asks what all the noise is about. It’s about people saving your sorry ass.  Mrs. Claus starts ironing a towel (she’s definitely on drugs) and Santa asks if she thinks he’s making a mistake.  No, she thinks you’re a selfish prick.

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A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

11 Comments

  1. 1
    Faye
    Posted December 20, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    I’m only on the first page and I cannot stop laughing. And if you notice Santa fat lazy ass did the same thing in Rudolph; he was stirring up the Rudolph is not good enough shit pot and I did not notice until I was older. I was mad at Santa for years after that and started a rumor in my book club that he was having an affair with Mother Nature and that Heat and Snow Miser was his bastard children.

  2. 2
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted December 20, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    I don’t think it’s funny to use a learning disabled elf as comic relief.

    I don’t know about this one. Heat Miser and Snow Miser surely rock, but I get bored with the rest of it. These were kind of like Empire, A New Hope, and Jedi. Rudolph is great. Year Without Santa is meh, and Rudolph’s Shiny New Year is best watched while your schwasted.

    For my money, it’s either the Grinch, or Santa Claus is Coming to Town. When those reindeer fly out of Bergermeister Meisterberger’s prison, I start hooting and hollering like when a hooker takes off her top.

  3. 3
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 5:00 am

    This was hilarious Dear Crabby. It was great entertainment while I waited for my date to get to dinner.

    Fortunately I already knew the Santa was a lazy bastard, so this movie just reassured what I already knew. My Mother never let me and my brother believe in Santa because she didn’t want “some other man” taking credit for all of my father’s hard work.

    Santa’s like that guy at work who when complimented on a job he didn’t do says “thanks, it was nothing”. You’re damn right it was nothing…because you weren’t here until 10 o’clock putting it together!!!

  4. 4
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 8:20 am

    “Santa hides under his covers like a Cymbalta commercial actor”

    Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!

  5. 5
    Yanksfan24
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Thanks Dear Crabby!! I watched this movie a few days ago whilst filling out Christmas cards…I’ve had that damn Heat/Snow Miser songs stuck in my head for 3 days!!! And Santa is a lazy f-er! Happy Holidays y’all!

  6. 6
    Bioscotto
    Posted December 22, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    Mother Nature is totally hitting the sauce hard in this movie! If you watch closely, she gets her sons mixed up when she tells them to do what Mrs. Claus wants! And everyone just pretends it didn’t happen, because, with global warming, what do you expect?

  7. 7
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted December 30, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Only on page one, but I’m convinced it’s because the doctor didn’t keep up with his literature. Isn’t that about the year they “discovered” (da da dum dun) male menopause. Yeah, that’s it. All he needed to do was jack him up with some hormones.

  8. 8
    crazy rooster
    Posted December 30, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    I just took a break from ironing my towels to say thanks for the awesome recap.

  9. 9
    awfuleyebrow
    Posted December 31, 2012 at 1:28 am

    Thanks for the trip down Memory Lane, Crabby. I haven’t seen this one in years, but I always loved the Misers. I remember that one year, after having studied Genesis in a pompous highschool theology class attended exclusively by obnoxious teenage atheists like myself, I started thinking that this story may be loosely based on the tale of Sodom & Gemorrah. Jingle and Jangle being the investigatory angels to Ignatius’s role as Lot the righteous man who protects the angels from gang grape while offering up his daughters. Or you know, helps them free their reindeer from the dogcatcher. While Santa is the vengeful God who destroys all life on the Jordan river plain rather than fix a problem of his own making. Or you know, goes on strike against the children of the world because he feels underappreciated. What an asshole.

  10. 10
    Hatched One
    Posted December 31, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Dear Crabby – OMG!!!!! Where to begin? You captured this perfectly – my brother and I used to wonder about the peeing thing as well. All we could come up with was tiny ice cubes for Snow Miser; for Heat Miser – we had nothing. I guess we figured any liquid would evaporate in that much heat. As for the song, my brother and I memorized it – we still sing it to each other today and we’re in our early 50′s! (Ok, we’re weird). As for Mrs. Claus ironing towels, well, maybe she’s from the \Old Country\. When my grandmother came to visit, she would iron towels and sheets. When my dad lived at home, she used to iron his underwear! I shit you not. She was born in Paris, France in 1899, so we figured maybe that had something to do with it!

  11. 11
    Prairie Dawn Prairie Dawn
    Posted January 6, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    As someone from Chicago who has also wondered about the bathroom habits of claymation/cartoons. this recap was in a word PERFECT!

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