So the megaphone rings in the workshop and Santa says to warn the people and call the papers, “he’s too tired for Christmas capers.” The elves are packing up the sled with all of the work they’ve just done, and juts like corporate America, the execs make a decision to back out of the big presentation. Why wait until all the work is done to back out? Santa’s such an asshole!
Then Mrs. Claus, who is clearly on some heavy medication, begins to sing as we see people throwing all of their holiday decorations into the garbage heap. Duh, you can use them next year if that fat bastard doesn’t pull this crap again. Oh, and Mickey Rooney is doing the voice of Santa. No wonder he’s a crabby jerk! No, wait, that’s Andy Rooney.
Mrs. Claus tells us that all the children were sad because they thought Santa had died. Well, with that weight, he is a heart-attack waiting to happen. I bet the elves’ HMO sucks all because of his bad habits.
So the papers get ahold of the story and the quotes are, “Santa Says – Too Tired!” and “Not Coming!” If TMZ got ahold of this it would be how Santa was ditching out to join celebutard rehab or something.
Mrs. Claus called Jingle and Jangle Bells, two alternative lifestyle elves, and asks to see them. She tries on Santa’s hat and realizes it fits nicely. OMG, did the feminist movement hit the North Pole? Looks like Mrs. Claus is thinking about bringing home the bacon and frying it up in the pan. Unfortunately, they’ll need some Viagra if she doesn’t want to let Santa forget he’s a man.
Mrs. Claus begins cross-dressing.
She sings a song about who would know the difference if she went as Santa? “Anyone can be Santa, why can’t a lady like me?” Yeah, look at the drunkards at the mall molesting your kids who can play Santa. Then she sings, “I’ve fantasized it a lot,” and she’s lost me until she says, “I’ll be going down the chimneys with his sack,” and I’m back. Santa’s sack.
Jingle and Jangle show up and Mrs. Claus says she needs them to venture into the world to see if anyone still cares about Santa, since that’s why he wants to stay home. I think that’s an excuse and he’s just f#cking lazy, but tomato/tomaaahto. So, go find an example of Christmas spirit from last year, elves!
The North Pole has legalized gay marriage!?!
So the two elves and little Vixen head down into the real world to find Christmas spirit. Sounds like the makings of a great B-movie. Why wouldn’t they send one of the bigger reindeer? Vixen is tiny!
Santa wakes from his drunken stupor and asks what all the noise is about. It’s about people saving your sorry ass. Mrs. Claus starts ironing a towel (she’s definitely on drugs) and Santa asks if she thinks he’s making a mistake. No, she thinks you’re a selfish prick.