The Year Without That Lazy Bastard Santa

Recaps

By DearCrabby | Sunday, December 30, 2012 | 12:00 pm | 11 Comments
Tagged: , , , , ,
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Featured, Recaps

He asks what she’s up to and she says nothing, which he doesn’t believe because he knows her Stepford ways.  Mrs. Claus goes to the window and says, “Poor Jingle, poor Jangle,” and Santa’s like, yeah, I’m RIGHT HERE and can hear you, what the hell mess did you get those elves into?  She’s like Santa, don’t ask and don’t tell, but they went into the world to find Christmas cheer.

6-You stupid bitch

You stupid bitch!  I told you not to meddle in the family business!

Santa can’t believe Jingle, Jangle and little baby Vixen are out in the world on their own.  He says they won’t even get past the Miser brothers and Mrs. Claus is like, “Oh f#ck, I totally forgot about them,” which seems ridiculous because honestly, how big is their neighborhood?  And isn’t it gated?

Santa screams for Dasher and they take off to save the group trying to save Christmas while Mrs. Claus tells us about Heat Miser controlling the heat on the earth and Snow Miser making sure everything stays cold.  Jingle and Jangle get right in the middle of them and get shot down over ‘Nam.  Or Southtown, USA.

7-It's like menopause only more funHot and cold flashes, just like menopause.

The people in Southtown are very friendly as proved when a local police officer tickets the elves for riding a Vixen the wrong way down a one way street, crossing the white line (segregation is alive and well in Southtown) and wearing funny clothes on a Sunday.  Oh the south and its tolerant ways.

The elves use their socks to hide Vixen’s ears so she looks more like a dog.  They bump into a total prude and ask her if she believes in Santa Claus – not at her age, she says, and she’s OLD.  She asks what their animal is and the elves tell Vixen to “bark for the lady.”  The cat she’s using as a muff freaks and takes off down the street and it’s mayhem and foolishness in Southtown.

8-PETA's gonna be pissed

PETA is going to be pissed.

Santa meets the police officer who tells him about the ticket he wrote them and how Jingle and Jangle will get “what-for” from the judge.  Santa’s worried Jingle, Jangle and Vixen are scared to death, which they are, as well as up in a tree.  WTF?  Rut-roh, Vixen’s not looking too good – and she has a slight fever.  They put her under a tree to rest.  Hope it’s not hunting season in Southtown.

The elves approach some children who clearly haven’t learned about stranger danger.  Jingle and Jangle ask them about how they feel about Santa taking a holiday and they really don’t care, which I find hard to believe.  Love him or leave him, the fatass does bring toys.  I mean, duh!

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A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

11 Comments

  1. 1
    Faye
    Posted December 20, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    I’m only on the first page and I cannot stop laughing. And if you notice Santa fat lazy ass did the same thing in Rudolph; he was stirring up the Rudolph is not good enough shit pot and I did not notice until I was older. I was mad at Santa for years after that and started a rumor in my book club that he was having an affair with Mother Nature and that Heat and Snow Miser was his bastard children.

  2. 2
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted December 20, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    I don’t think it’s funny to use a learning disabled elf as comic relief.

    I don’t know about this one. Heat Miser and Snow Miser surely rock, but I get bored with the rest of it. These were kind of like Empire, A New Hope, and Jedi. Rudolph is great. Year Without Santa is meh, and Rudolph’s Shiny New Year is best watched while your schwasted.

    For my money, it’s either the Grinch, or Santa Claus is Coming to Town. When those reindeer fly out of Bergermeister Meisterberger’s prison, I start hooting and hollering like when a hooker takes off her top.

  3. 3
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 5:00 am

    This was hilarious Dear Crabby. It was great entertainment while I waited for my date to get to dinner.

    Fortunately I already knew the Santa was a lazy bastard, so this movie just reassured what I already knew. My Mother never let me and my brother believe in Santa because she didn’t want “some other man” taking credit for all of my father’s hard work.

    Santa’s like that guy at work who when complimented on a job he didn’t do says “thanks, it was nothing”. You’re damn right it was nothing…because you weren’t here until 10 o’clock putting it together!!!

  4. 4
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 8:20 am

    “Santa hides under his covers like a Cymbalta commercial actor”

    Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!

  5. 5
    Yanksfan24
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Thanks Dear Crabby!! I watched this movie a few days ago whilst filling out Christmas cards…I’ve had that damn Heat/Snow Miser songs stuck in my head for 3 days!!! And Santa is a lazy f-er! Happy Holidays y’all!

  6. 6
    Bioscotto
    Posted December 22, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    Mother Nature is totally hitting the sauce hard in this movie! If you watch closely, she gets her sons mixed up when she tells them to do what Mrs. Claus wants! And everyone just pretends it didn’t happen, because, with global warming, what do you expect?

  7. 7
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted December 30, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Only on page one, but I’m convinced it’s because the doctor didn’t keep up with his literature. Isn’t that about the year they “discovered” (da da dum dun) male menopause. Yeah, that’s it. All he needed to do was jack him up with some hormones.

  8. 8
    crazy rooster
    Posted December 30, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    I just took a break from ironing my towels to say thanks for the awesome recap.

  9. 9
    awfuleyebrow
    Posted December 31, 2012 at 1:28 am

    Thanks for the trip down Memory Lane, Crabby. I haven’t seen this one in years, but I always loved the Misers. I remember that one year, after having studied Genesis in a pompous highschool theology class attended exclusively by obnoxious teenage atheists like myself, I started thinking that this story may be loosely based on the tale of Sodom & Gemorrah. Jingle and Jangle being the investigatory angels to Ignatius’s role as Lot the righteous man who protects the angels from gang grape while offering up his daughters. Or you know, helps them free their reindeer from the dogcatcher. While Santa is the vengeful God who destroys all life on the Jordan river plain rather than fix a problem of his own making. Or you know, goes on strike against the children of the world because he feels underappreciated. What an asshole.

  10. 10
    Hatched One
    Posted December 31, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Dear Crabby – OMG!!!!! Where to begin? You captured this perfectly – my brother and I used to wonder about the peeing thing as well. All we could come up with was tiny ice cubes for Snow Miser; for Heat Miser – we had nothing. I guess we figured any liquid would evaporate in that much heat. As for the song, my brother and I memorized it – we still sing it to each other today and we’re in our early 50′s! (Ok, we’re weird). As for Mrs. Claus ironing towels, well, maybe she’s from the \Old Country\. When my grandmother came to visit, she would iron towels and sheets. When my dad lived at home, she used to iron his underwear! I shit you not. She was born in Paris, France in 1899, so we figured maybe that had something to do with it!

  11. 11
    Prairie Dawn Prairie Dawn
    Posted January 6, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    As someone from Chicago who has also wondered about the bathroom habits of claymation/cartoons. this recap was in a word PERFECT!

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