The Year Without That Lazy Bastard Santa

Recaps

By DearCrabby | Sunday, December 30, 2012 | 12:00 pm | 11 Comments
Tagged: , , , , ,
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Featured, Recaps

Jingle and Jangle are surprised the kids don’t care, but one kid tells them they have bigger problems.  By ignoring the leash laws of Southtown, their dog has been picked up by the dog catcher and carted off to make glue.  No, wait, that’s horses.

Mrs. Claus tells us the boy who told the elves about the dog catcher is Ignatius Thistlewhite.  Oh, and look at this, HIS dog is off the leash, but did the dog catcher take that dog? No, he takes the gay guys’ dog.  Jerk!

Just as Ignatius is about to enter his home, some fat guy dressed as a character from Victorian times pops out from behind a tree and asks if he can spare a moment.  Where, where, where are the police now that a pedophile has shown up?

9-Would you like some candy and a new puppy

Little boy, would you like some candy and a new puppy and a ride in my windowless van?

“My name is Ignatius Thistlewhite.  Everybody calls me Iggy,” he says to Santa.  Wow, did your parents teach you nothing about talking to strangers or the clergy?  Santa bumbles then says his name is Mr. Klauuus.  Santa asks if he saw two fellas with red shoes and Iggy says yep.  Then Santa sneezes and Mrs. Thistlewhite pops her head out the window wondering if it’s Iggy.  It’s not and so she safely invites the stranger in to steal their belongings and identities.

Inside, Iggy introduces his parents to Mr. Klauuus and Mrs. Thistlewhite gives Santa a hot toddy or something to help his cold.  Iggy says the two guys at the park were asking how they felt about Santa and Christmas and he told them he didn’t believe.  “Just as I thought,” Santa says.

But Mr. Thistlewhite says he does believe in Santa and when Iggy questions Santa, he takes this time to break into song.  “I believe in Santa Claus…like I believe in love…I believe in Santa Claus…and everything he does…” Yeah, I’d be kicking him out now.

 

Mr. Thistlewhite continues the song and tells the story of how Santa was a dream to him until one Christmas Santa “stood beside my bed,” and we see the creepiest angle of Santa looking down salaciously at Mr. Thistlewhite as a boy.  He sings to a young Thistlewhite and it’s sort of creepy.

10-Don't be afraid little boy

Get out of my dreams and into my room WHAT THE F#CK?!?!?!

Then the Thistlewhites and Santa are all singing together and it occurs to me if they don’t believe in Santa, they’ll be stuck buying all of those gifts themselves, so it really is a financial decision to believe in him.  Iggy gets a tear in his eye and now he believes too.  That was easy.

11-And then Santa did bad things

Then Santa did bad, bad things.

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A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

11 Comments

  1. 1
    Faye
    Posted December 20, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    I’m only on the first page and I cannot stop laughing. And if you notice Santa fat lazy ass did the same thing in Rudolph; he was stirring up the Rudolph is not good enough shit pot and I did not notice until I was older. I was mad at Santa for years after that and started a rumor in my book club that he was having an affair with Mother Nature and that Heat and Snow Miser was his bastard children.

  2. 2
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted December 20, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    I don’t think it’s funny to use a learning disabled elf as comic relief.

    I don’t know about this one. Heat Miser and Snow Miser surely rock, but I get bored with the rest of it. These were kind of like Empire, A New Hope, and Jedi. Rudolph is great. Year Without Santa is meh, and Rudolph’s Shiny New Year is best watched while your schwasted.

    For my money, it’s either the Grinch, or Santa Claus is Coming to Town. When those reindeer fly out of Bergermeister Meisterberger’s prison, I start hooting and hollering like when a hooker takes off her top.

  3. 3
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 5:00 am

    This was hilarious Dear Crabby. It was great entertainment while I waited for my date to get to dinner.

    Fortunately I already knew the Santa was a lazy bastard, so this movie just reassured what I already knew. My Mother never let me and my brother believe in Santa because she didn’t want “some other man” taking credit for all of my father’s hard work.

    Santa’s like that guy at work who when complimented on a job he didn’t do says “thanks, it was nothing”. You’re damn right it was nothing…because you weren’t here until 10 o’clock putting it together!!!

  4. 4
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 8:20 am

    “Santa hides under his covers like a Cymbalta commercial actor”

    Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!

  5. 5
    Yanksfan24
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Thanks Dear Crabby!! I watched this movie a few days ago whilst filling out Christmas cards…I’ve had that damn Heat/Snow Miser songs stuck in my head for 3 days!!! And Santa is a lazy f-er! Happy Holidays y’all!

  6. 6
    Bioscotto
    Posted December 22, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    Mother Nature is totally hitting the sauce hard in this movie! If you watch closely, she gets her sons mixed up when she tells them to do what Mrs. Claus wants! And everyone just pretends it didn’t happen, because, with global warming, what do you expect?

  7. 7
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted December 30, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Only on page one, but I’m convinced it’s because the doctor didn’t keep up with his literature. Isn’t that about the year they “discovered” (da da dum dun) male menopause. Yeah, that’s it. All he needed to do was jack him up with some hormones.

  8. 8
    crazy rooster
    Posted December 30, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    I just took a break from ironing my towels to say thanks for the awesome recap.

  9. 9
    awfuleyebrow
    Posted December 31, 2012 at 1:28 am

    Thanks for the trip down Memory Lane, Crabby. I haven’t seen this one in years, but I always loved the Misers. I remember that one year, after having studied Genesis in a pompous highschool theology class attended exclusively by obnoxious teenage atheists like myself, I started thinking that this story may be loosely based on the tale of Sodom & Gemorrah. Jingle and Jangle being the investigatory angels to Ignatius’s role as Lot the righteous man who protects the angels from gang grape while offering up his daughters. Or you know, helps them free their reindeer from the dogcatcher. While Santa is the vengeful God who destroys all life on the Jordan river plain rather than fix a problem of his own making. Or you know, goes on strike against the children of the world because he feels underappreciated. What an asshole.

  10. 10
    Hatched One
    Posted December 31, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Dear Crabby – OMG!!!!! Where to begin? You captured this perfectly – my brother and I used to wonder about the peeing thing as well. All we could come up with was tiny ice cubes for Snow Miser; for Heat Miser – we had nothing. I guess we figured any liquid would evaporate in that much heat. As for the song, my brother and I memorized it – we still sing it to each other today and we’re in our early 50′s! (Ok, we’re weird). As for Mrs. Claus ironing towels, well, maybe she’s from the \Old Country\. When my grandmother came to visit, she would iron towels and sheets. When my dad lived at home, she used to iron his underwear! I shit you not. She was born in Paris, France in 1899, so we figured maybe that had something to do with it!

  11. 11
    Prairie Dawn Prairie Dawn
    Posted January 6, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    As someone from Chicago who has also wondered about the bathroom habits of claymation/cartoons. this recap was in a word PERFECT!

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