Jingle and Jangle are surprised the kids don’t care, but one kid tells them they have bigger problems. By ignoring the leash laws of Southtown, their dog has been picked up by the dog catcher and carted off to make glue. No, wait, that’s horses.
Mrs. Claus tells us the boy who told the elves about the dog catcher is Ignatius Thistlewhite. Oh, and look at this, HIS dog is off the leash, but did the dog catcher take that dog? No, he takes the gay guys’ dog. Jerk!
Just as Ignatius is about to enter his home, some fat guy dressed as a character from Victorian times pops out from behind a tree and asks if he can spare a moment. Where, where, where are the police now that a pedophile has shown up?
Little boy, would you like some candy and a new puppy and a ride in my windowless van?
“My name is Ignatius Thistlewhite. Everybody calls me Iggy,” he says to Santa. Wow, did your parents teach you nothing about talking to strangers or the clergy? Santa bumbles then says his name is Mr. Klauuus. Santa asks if he saw two fellas with red shoes and Iggy says yep. Then Santa sneezes and Mrs. Thistlewhite pops her head out the window wondering if it’s Iggy. It’s not and so she safely invites the stranger in to steal their belongings and identities.
Inside, Iggy introduces his parents to Mr. Klauuus and Mrs. Thistlewhite gives Santa a hot toddy or something to help his cold. Iggy says the two guys at the park were asking how they felt about Santa and Christmas and he told them he didn’t believe. “Just as I thought,” Santa says.
But Mr. Thistlewhite says he does believe in Santa and when Iggy questions Santa, he takes this time to break into song. “I believe in Santa Claus…like I believe in love…I believe in Santa Claus…and everything he does…” Yeah, I’d be kicking him out now.
Mr. Thistlewhite continues the song and tells the story of how Santa was a dream to him until one Christmas Santa “stood beside my bed,” and we see the creepiest angle of Santa looking down salaciously at Mr. Thistlewhite as a boy. He sings to a young Thistlewhite and it’s sort of creepy.
Get out of my dreams and into my room WHAT THE F#CK?!?!?!
Then the Thistlewhites and Santa are all singing together and it occurs to me if they don’t believe in Santa, they’ll be stuck buying all of those gifts themselves, so it really is a financial decision to believe in him. Iggy gets a tear in his eye and now he believes too. That was easy.
Then Santa did bad, bad things.