The Year Without That Lazy Bastard Santa

Recaps

By DearCrabby | Sunday, December 30, 2012 | 12:00 pm | 11 Comments
Tagged: , , , , ,
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Featured, Recaps

Snow Miser says he loves Santa because he’s the best advertisement for snow business.  He asks what they need and Mrs. Claus says they need a snowstorm in Southtown.  Snow Miser says that’s under the control of his brother who turns all snow it into rain or fog.  Mrs. Claus says if she can get Heat Miser to agree, can it happen?  Snow Miser’s like yeah, good luck with that hot head.

So, over at Heat Miser’s, the song is, “I’m Mr. Green Christmas, I’m Mr. Sun…I’m Mr. Heat Blister, I’m Mr. Hundred and one…friends call me Heat Miser…whatever I touch, starts to melt in my clutch…I’m too much!”  How does he PEE?

Heat Miser isn’t so friendly because he feels like Santa advertises for Snow Miser making people think fondly of snow-related activities, like skidding on ice in a new car.  Mrs. Claus asks if he can let it snow for one day in the south and he freaks out on her ass.  “NEVER!”

15-Me at the end of a work week Looks like me at 4:59:59 every Friday.

“Unless…there were something in it for me,” he says. Is Mrs. Claus going to have to put out?  Jesus!  No, he would like a piece of northern territory…and not just any piece of ass, he wants the NORTH POLE.  Well, at least he has flair.

So they get Snow Miser on the hotline and through Skype they try to work out a deal but Snow and Heat keep arguing.  Mrs. Claus explains the situation and Snow is really the jerk in this…he refuses to give up the North Pole.  Come on, just for one day?  They toss fire and ice back and forth and Revlon starts a ball.

16-Incantatum

Priori incantatum, Christmas-style!

Mrs. Claus is like screw the both of you morons, I’ve had better luck brokering peace in the Middle East, I’m going to see your mother…MOTHER NATURE!  Just FYI, she’s separated from Father Time right now, so let’s not bring him up.

17-Now we know where they get their pot Now we know where everyone’s getting their pot.

Mother Nature sort of reminds me of a Golden Girl and luckily she knows her sons are jerks.  She also has a bird’s nest in her hair.  She points her finger and lightning bolts make both boys show up.  Both Misers have huge heads and I wonder if they did when they were born because really, ouch.

Mother Nature demands that Snow Miser lets it be sunny and warm in the North Pole and that Heat Miser lets is snow in Southtown.  Wait, this is all to prove to the dumbass Mayor Santa is real?  Why not just leave him a lump of coal on Christmas and presents for everyone else.  So much easier!

Heat and Snow say no way is this going to happen and Mother Nature shoots more lightning bolts to which they both answer, “Yes, mother dear.”  She says she hopes Santa enjoys his holiday.  Yeah, I’m still on he’s a jerk for taking the one day he has to work off.

18-Shut the hell up

Mother Nature’s way of telling them to shut the f#ck up.

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

11 Comments

  1. 1
    Faye
    Posted December 20, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    I’m only on the first page and I cannot stop laughing. And if you notice Santa fat lazy ass did the same thing in Rudolph; he was stirring up the Rudolph is not good enough shit pot and I did not notice until I was older. I was mad at Santa for years after that and started a rumor in my book club that he was having an affair with Mother Nature and that Heat and Snow Miser was his bastard children.

  2. 2
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted December 20, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    I don’t think it’s funny to use a learning disabled elf as comic relief.

    I don’t know about this one. Heat Miser and Snow Miser surely rock, but I get bored with the rest of it. These were kind of like Empire, A New Hope, and Jedi. Rudolph is great. Year Without Santa is meh, and Rudolph’s Shiny New Year is best watched while your schwasted.

    For my money, it’s either the Grinch, or Santa Claus is Coming to Town. When those reindeer fly out of Bergermeister Meisterberger’s prison, I start hooting and hollering like when a hooker takes off her top.

  3. 3
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 5:00 am

    This was hilarious Dear Crabby. It was great entertainment while I waited for my date to get to dinner.

    Fortunately I already knew the Santa was a lazy bastard, so this movie just reassured what I already knew. My Mother never let me and my brother believe in Santa because she didn’t want “some other man” taking credit for all of my father’s hard work.

    Santa’s like that guy at work who when complimented on a job he didn’t do says “thanks, it was nothing”. You’re damn right it was nothing…because you weren’t here until 10 o’clock putting it together!!!

  4. 4
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 8:20 am

    “Santa hides under his covers like a Cymbalta commercial actor”

    Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!

  5. 5
    Yanksfan24
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Thanks Dear Crabby!! I watched this movie a few days ago whilst filling out Christmas cards…I’ve had that damn Heat/Snow Miser songs stuck in my head for 3 days!!! And Santa is a lazy f-er! Happy Holidays y’all!

  6. 6
    Bioscotto
    Posted December 22, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    Mother Nature is totally hitting the sauce hard in this movie! If you watch closely, she gets her sons mixed up when she tells them to do what Mrs. Claus wants! And everyone just pretends it didn’t happen, because, with global warming, what do you expect?

  7. 7
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted December 30, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Only on page one, but I’m convinced it’s because the doctor didn’t keep up with his literature. Isn’t that about the year they “discovered” (da da dum dun) male menopause. Yeah, that’s it. All he needed to do was jack him up with some hormones.

  8. 8
    crazy rooster
    Posted December 30, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    I just took a break from ironing my towels to say thanks for the awesome recap.

  9. 9
    awfuleyebrow
    Posted December 31, 2012 at 1:28 am

    Thanks for the trip down Memory Lane, Crabby. I haven’t seen this one in years, but I always loved the Misers. I remember that one year, after having studied Genesis in a pompous highschool theology class attended exclusively by obnoxious teenage atheists like myself, I started thinking that this story may be loosely based on the tale of Sodom & Gemorrah. Jingle and Jangle being the investigatory angels to Ignatius’s role as Lot the righteous man who protects the angels from gang grape while offering up his daughters. Or you know, helps them free their reindeer from the dogcatcher. While Santa is the vengeful God who destroys all life on the Jordan river plain rather than fix a problem of his own making. Or you know, goes on strike against the children of the world because he feels underappreciated. What an asshole.

  10. 10
    Hatched One
    Posted December 31, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Dear Crabby – OMG!!!!! Where to begin? You captured this perfectly – my brother and I used to wonder about the peeing thing as well. All we could come up with was tiny ice cubes for Snow Miser; for Heat Miser – we had nothing. I guess we figured any liquid would evaporate in that much heat. As for the song, my brother and I memorized it – we still sing it to each other today and we’re in our early 50′s! (Ok, we’re weird). As for Mrs. Claus ironing towels, well, maybe she’s from the \Old Country\. When my grandmother came to visit, she would iron towels and sheets. When my dad lived at home, she used to iron his underwear! I shit you not. She was born in Paris, France in 1899, so we figured maybe that had something to do with it!

  11. 11
    Prairie Dawn Prairie Dawn
    Posted January 6, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    As someone from Chicago who has also wondered about the bathroom habits of claymation/cartoons. this recap was in a word PERFECT!

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.