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Once again, I feel compelled to start my Apprentice recap by asking all the wonderful TV viewers out there “Why aren’t you watching this?” If your TV’s already set on 24, then I understand. But if you’re capable of watching one show live and taping/Tivoing another, you really owe it to yourself to check in on The Donald & Co. This season has been pure enjoyment so far, and last night’s episode, with it’s ridiculous levels of bickering and blaming, was wonderful. The Boardroom was a complete, divine mess — with fingers pointing left and right, and as always, the season’s two stars, Lenny and Brent, shone brightly. Well, Lenny more than Brent (he was busy noshing on towers of bagels and such). Seriously people. I know most of you are sick of Trump and his constant boasting, but this is great reality TV! Don’t let it die on us!!This week’s hour of insanity started with Brent and Michael returning from their particularly bitter Boardroom experience. For those of you who may have forgotten, Pepi and The Girl Who Cried Brent (Stacy) were both axed by Trump last week, and no one was more shocked than Team Synergy, who reacted as if half their team had just been wiped out in a vicious boating accident. “Happy Rosh Hashanah! L’Shanah Tovah, everybody!” Brent exclaimed upon returning to the suite. And for all you goys out there, that meant “Happy New Year! Happy New Year, everybody!”
Well, if this was Happy New Year, then someone just popped a champagne cork in Andrea’s eye. “NO!” the mini-Carolyn reacted. Either she really hated Rosh Hashanah or just couldn’t stand the sight of Brent. Andrea immediately stormed off to the bathroom where she cried, shooing off any unwanted knocks at the door. I personally didn’t know why she was acting so crazy. It’s not like she’d known Pepi or Stacy for very long. Still, it was like the second-coming of 9/11 in the suite. “It’s a really sad night. We lost two out of nine of our great team members,” Allie told us. Cut to Andrea chiseling away at her memorial sculpture for Pepi and Stacy. Okay, that didn’t happen, but Andrea was still crying in the bathroom. CRYING! If ever there was a time when I wanted to reach through the television, grab someone’s shoulders and shake them back to their senses, this was it.
Eventually, Andrea emerged from the bathroom determined to be Project Manager. She wanted to show that she could do the impossible and managed Brent. Not such an easy task, that is unless you’ve distracted him with a mighty bagel display. Yes, as Andrea babbled to us about being a leader, we found Brent prepareing a very special double-bagel sundae. Okay, it wasn’t a sundae, per se. There wasn’t any ice cream involved (at least as far as I could see). Basically, Brent had four bagel-halves stacked in a neat tower, ready for total consumption. I wonder if this is a thing with Brent. You know — stacking the food. I bet he makes little towers of cheeseburgers and filet mignons too. And I don’t even want to think about the structures he creates with marshmallows.
Meanwhile, over on Team Gold Rush, Lee and Dan gathered the group around for a special announcement: they’d be observing the Jewish New Year over the next two days, and therefore unable to participate in the task. Everyone seemed okay with this. That is, everyone but our favorite surly worker: the man, the myth, The Russian — Lenny! “This is f*ckin’ stupid,” he balked. You see, Lenny was Jewish too, but he wasn’t going to slack off for anyone, not even GOD!
“You going to get it blamed if we lose,” Lenny warned, but Lee and Dan didn’t back down, and Gold Rush moved ahead without them. The bad news: the team was down two heads. The good news: they were up two breasts. Theresa’s boobies were bigger than ever this episode, and she was ready to use them. Yes, as Lee and Dan headed off to synagogue the next morning, the rest of the gang met with Trump, and holy mammaries!! Theresa was positively bulging with silicon. Either that or she was breast feeding. That of course begs the question, what sort of thirsty beast was suckling from her teat?
Anyway, Carolyn was back by Trump’s side this week, but sadly, no George. You see, he was at Rosh Hashanah services also. Yay High Holidays! “That’s life,” Trump said. “You know, there’s nothing in life that’s fair. Like some people would say it’s unfair that Brent is here because Brent has been a complete disaster. You understand that, Brent?” I’ll concede that Brent’s been a disaster with all the tasks, but when it comes to building obelisks of bagels, he’s been nothing short of genius.
Well, this week’s product placement, I mean, task had the teams working for General Motors. They were to each throw a corporate retreat for some of the top Chevy dealer/owners in the region. Oh, and they’d also introduce the brand new 2007 Chevy Tahoe. The attendees would then be surveyed on three topics: how well the team spurred interaction, how well they encouraged “meeting the Tahoe,” and how well they motivated the dealers to actually sell the Tahoe. Whoever had the best evaluation would win. Fantabulous.
We then cut to commercial, and when we returned, Trump boomed his lesson of the week: “Plan B.” People are inflexible, he said. They need to have a Plan B. Okay, so whoever loses today will have an inflexible team member. Hmmm… inflexible. Who could that be? Probably not Lenny, right? He’s always such a pushover… Gosh, I’m really stumped.
Anyway, we headed into the War Room of Gold Rush where Theresa and her heaving bosom were serving as the Project Manager for this task. Everything seemed to be fairly hectic as ideas bounced around like unrestrained pinballs. Amidst the chaos, Tarek stood by an easel and tried to desperately wrangle the team together to agree on an event theme. Unfortunately, Theresa was moving a mile a minute as she offered up ideas of red carpets and other extravagant details. Was this a retreat or a movie premiere? Theresa’s crowning concept, however, was perhaps her most bizarre:
“Get me a horse and carriage!” she yelled out. I’m sorry, did I hear that correctly? Horse and carriage? For a corporate retreat? Whatever happened to the glory days of doing trust falls and lumbering around ropes courses? Nevertheless, Theresa was dead-set on her horse and carriage. And she didn’t want just any horse and carriage. “I want stallions!” she commanded. I had a nagging feeling Theresa was acting out some childhood fantasy, not organizing a retreat. At the end of the day, all that really mattered was her getting those damn horses. When Tarek raised some concerns about a makeshift putting green, Theresa brushed him off, saying that they didn’t even need astroturf. After all, they would have HORSES, people! And all car dealers love horsies!!
Yes, Theresa had convinced herself that this was going to be a retreat for the ages. When Tarek again proposed that they come up with a theme, Theresa explained, “You know what? Ours is an experience of class.” Yes, the sort of class that only comes from a woman with preposterously large breast implants. And nothing says understated refinement like a random horse drawn carriage at Chevy retreat.
With all this chaos, it was only a matter of time before Lenny expressed total dismay. “Nobody know what’s going on!” he said in typically broken English. He noted that when it came to the retreat attendees, “They get booze, they get comedian, horse with the carriage.” Of course, in his thick accent, it sounded like he just said “Whores with the carriage,” which wouldn’t be totally beyond the realm of possibilities. Finally, Lenny concluded with a typically Lenny observation: “Theresa’s brain so small, she can’t even understand.” Awesome. Oh wait, one more! “I wish, you know, her brain was big enough her boobs.” Okay, a little shaky with the English there, but we know what you’re going for, big guy, and we like it.
And just to illustrate one last time how inept Theresa was as a Project Manager, the producers left us with the image of her asking Leslie, “Did you bring any mascara?” Leslie said no, but that’s okay. Theresa could always take a quick trip to the drug store on her horse-drawn carriage of idiocy!
Meanwhile, things were going much more smoothly at Team Synergy. Before any planning was done, Andrea wanted a theme, and soon the team agreed on “Nature Refined.” Everyone loved the idea, and as the team got to work, Andrea distracted Brent by heaping some busy work onto his lap. This way, he could feel like he was part of the team, but if he messed up, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. The strategy was a success, and Brent toiled away on his junk — that is, when he wasn’t picking at the buffet table or noshing away at lunch. Get it? He’s fat. So we get to see him eat a lot. Because that’s what fat people do. They eat and make problems for other people. Yay, stereotypes!
The next morning, Gold Rush arrived at their park to set up for the retreat. Lenny proudly executed his task as tent-master as he overlooked the various workers erecting the structure. “If you need muscles, you know, I’m here,” he joked, but the tired, grumpy workers just gave him a cold stare. Ouch. Tough crowd. Later, Lenny told us about all the work he was doing, saying he was putting together the stage and tent and this and that. “Lenny has to do the whole thing,” he said. Normally, I find the use of the third person to be highly obnoxious, but… hey, it’s Lenny. He’s the best.
Meanwhile, Tarek and Bryce struggled to create their makeshift golf course, or as I like to call it, the worst putting green EVER. At one point, Bill Rancic sauntered over to check out the progress, causing Tarek to say that the landscaping crew came in earlier and really did a great job. Bill then started to make some comment of disapproval, but he was stopped by Tarek who humbly admitted that he had just tried to make a lame joke. It was very awkward. Guess they don’t teach comedy at MENSA meetings.
A little later, Theresa frantically approached Lenny and alerted him that there were no generators. “That’s not my problem,” he said, completely dismissing his Project Manager. You see, as far as he was concerned, he was in charge of putting together the tent, not finding electricity for it. Duh! Luckily, Bryce bailed him out by procuring a generator — not that Lenny was thankful. The Russian merely brushed off the whole electricity thing, patronizing Bryce’s heroic efforts in the process. Lenny no care about generator! What is he, stupid??
Over at Synergy’s retreat, Andrea was happily serving as official shill for General Motors. “Our concept is nature refined,” she said, “because that’s exactly what a Chevy Tahoe is. It’s a luxurious experience as well as a rugged, outdoorsy adventure.” GM better give her a free car for that. Or at least a keychain. Anyway, Andrea’s event looked to be pretty fun. There was going to be a rock climbing wall, skeet shooting, and — uh, wait. Hold on a sec. Not so much on the skeet shooting. Turns out local park officials don’t like “guns” going off in “public places” near “children.” What a prude. So much for Andrea’s big seminar on chain saw juggling.
As we went to the commercial break, Andrea had a pained look on her face. That skeet shooting was going to be the cornerstone of this event! But when we returned from the break and as the dealers stepped off their charter bus, everyone was all smiles again at Synergy. Andrea swapped out skeet shooting for golfcart racing, an alternative that was probably more popular than the original idea. Sean only had high praise for his Project Manager. “The skeet shooting falls through; Andrea’s immediately thinking of the next plan,” he said. Hmmm… sounds almost like she had a Plan B! I wonder who’ll win this competition.
Yes, Andrea’s event was going off without a hitch. Everyone was loving the rock climbing, and when it came time to meet the Tahoe, Sean let the dealers take the car for a ride, peppering them with facts all along the way. Might as well just cut to the Boardroom. We don’t need to see anymore.
Of course, I’m glad we did get to see more because Gold Rush’s retreat was horrible. With twenty minutes until the guests arrived, Bryce was charged with teaching a bunch of show models (read: very dumb women) about the Tahoe. You just knew this would be a giant embarrassment.
Soon enough, the big charter bus arrived, and the dealers all walked off happily and into the arms of Theresa who was maniacally encouraging people to hop into her damn coach and horses. Yes, because after a long bus ride, who wants to stand around and stretch their legs? Giddyup!
As you can imagine, this horse-drawn-carriage conceit was a total fiasco. The dealers seemed to enjoy it mildly, but they seemed just as perplexed as Lenny. Theresa tried to add some sort of meaning to the entire experience, saying that horses were supposed to remind everyone on the origins of “horsepower.” Wow, so deep. At one point, Theresa even jogged alongside a carriage in an animated way that was both ridiculous and mortifying. Oh how I wished one of those horses might trample her.
Meanwhile, over at Tarek’s putting green of shame, the people were trying to look past the patchy grass and enjoy the simple sport of getting a ball into a hall. There were smiles all around, but Pebble Beach this was not. More like “Pebble Blech.”
Also in the odd department, everyone on Gold Rush was walking around in overly formal suits and ties. I know Theresa wanted this even to be classy, but wasn’t this a bit ridiculous? Who runs a putting green dressed in your finest suit?
As for the star of the event, the Chevy Tahoe, the models tried their best to provide information to the dealers, but in general, their most impressive facts and figures sounded something like “Um… Uh… I have to check on that.” Just about the only thing that could save this event was the free lunch and all the free booze. And hey, that’s more than enough for me. Unfortunately, the team had hired a comedian to entertain all the guests at lunch, and nothing spells buzzkill like an awful, awful comic. Yes, meet Corey Kahaney (I don’t even know the spelling, nor do I care). She started off promisingly (that’s putting it waaaaaay nicely), but soon spiraled out of control as she headed into hacky, tired material. There was not a laugh in the place, and the producers assembled a montage of angry, bored faces that may have been shot hours before Corey even took the stage. Either way, she was horrendous and a blight on humanity. She thankfully wrapped up her set, and Charmaine handed her a wad of cash to never been seen ever again.
Later, after the events, we then caught up with Lee and Dan, who were returning from Rosh Hashanah services. Oddly enough, the producers played Italian accordion music in the background, as if that was to somehow represent the spirit of the Jewish people. And let’s face it, if we Jews are known for anything, it’s our penchant for gondola rides through Venice.
Anyway, the teams all gathered together in the Boardroom to hear the results. Gold Rush was unsurprisingly slammed for their awful comedienne, their lack of product knowledge, and general lack of enthusiasm. Synergy, on the other had, received universal praise. “They nailed the Tahoe experience!” Bill read. And what an experience it is! Obviously, Synergy won, and for their reward, they were sent to Atlantis Marine World where they would be swimming with sharks. Why? Dunno. “They’re going to look at Brent and say ‘Wow,’” Trump said. He then added, “That’s because Brent is ‘uuuuuge.” Okay, he didn’t say that, but that’s what he was thinking, I’m sure.
Then just for fun, Trump asked Theresa who she might bring back to the Boardroom. She said without hesitation Lenny, which was understandable. He was completely stubborn and rude. But was he really why she lost the task? Hmmm…
Anyway, Synergy headed off to Lawngisland for their little maritime adventure, and to be honest, I hadn’t seen a team less enthused for a reward since, well, last week actually (remember, Gold Rush had the joy of fitting slackers with nice suits?).
As everyone prepared for their little date with the sharks, Brent became particularly nervous. “I had concerns that the sharks may look at me as shark bait because I’m fat,” he said. I’d like to see Brent in one of those Bally’s commercials. You know, where they ask people what their motivation is to lose weight. One person says “I want to fit into my old jeans.” Another says “I want to get back to the real me.” And then Brent says, “I don’t want to be eaten alive when I’m put in a shark tank.” Hey, whatever it takes, man.
Ultimately, all these shark fears were unwarranted since everyone was basically put in a special cage where they could be safe. That didn’t stop the instructor from screwing with the trembling team. “Who are the first victims, er, participants?” the guy asked. Oh you! You’re hilarious. Hey, I know this really great comedienne you should check out. Her name is Corey…
Back at the suite, Gold Rush was quickly devolving into a mess. While Tarek mashed up some tuna fish, he explained that Lenny wasn’t the reason why the team lost. It was Theresa. Meanwhile, in the dining room, Lenny and Theresa fought over why she told Trump that she’d take Lenny in. He claimed that she should bring in Lee and Dan for skipping out on the task. Then Lenny changed his mind and said the golf course was a disaster, and therefore Bryce and Tarek should go back to the Boardroom. Keep in mind we weren’t actually in the Boardroom yet. It was like a pre-show. Well, Bryce certainly didn’t like what Lenny was saying, especially after he had helped out with the generator. This caused Bryce to start shouting, even at Theresa, ultimately telling Lenny, “You failed, and I saved your ass!” The best part of all this, however, was Charmaine who tried to get a word in edgewise. “Lenny–” she started, but The Russian simply cut her off, saying, “Shut up. I don’t listen to you.” Oh, it was awesome.
Eventually, we finally made it to the Boardroom where Theresa immediately stated that Lenny and Tarek were to blame for the task. On top of that, she claimed that she was actually a good leader. “Leading Lenny is like pulling an elephant through a forest,” Theresa said. Does the elephant have fake breasts? Just wondering.
Tarek, however, had this to say about Theresa: “Theresa’s a good sergeant, but she’s not a good general.” Okay, does anyone else have any other whimsical phrases they’d like to use? So far, we’ve got elephants and sergeants. Anyone? Anyone?
Well, Theresa did not appreciate the sergeant comment, and she immediately got into a spat with the Orlando Bloom doppleganger. She accused him of having a terrible putting green, and he accused her of having no creative theme. Somehow in the middle of all this, Trump wound up saying to Theresa, “And you have great style. You know, I see the way you dress.” It was an odd comment, but even odder was her response.
“I DO have great style!”
Later, Theresa then said that Tarek was the biggest disaster on the team. Huh. Funny how her attack line had changed. Well, Tarek certainly noticed, and he questioned why she didn’t mention his name the day before when Trump asked who’d she be taking to the Boardroom.
“Well, um, uh, huminah huminah huminah. Let’s talk about my style again!” Theresa said. Okay, not really. She simply began to flap her lips and say something dependably dumb. That’s about when Carolyn swooped in for like the fifth time to harp on how terrible the putting green was (she runs Donald’s golf courses. She’s a bit anal about these sort of things, I imagine.) Well, Tarek was sick of this no-good, blond-haired, non-MENSA bitch. “I can’t control the conditions of the field, CAROLYN!” he snapped back. And shockingly, Carolyn didn’t level him with her patented ice attack. Wow. I was already hiding under the pillow, lest the shrapnel of Carolyn bitch slapping Tarek came through the TV and pelted me.
Lenny then raised the whole Rosh Hashanah topic again, but Trump dismissed it, saying that Lenny could have taken off for the holidays too if he had wanted to. “What am I? Stupid?” The Russian replied, causing Trump to laugh so hard, his gleaming veneers shone brightly throughout the land.
Now, how about that comedienne? Whose fault was that, Trump wanted to know. Uh, that was wee Charmaine’s area. The perky Southerner revealed that she paid Corey a whopping $715 for her horrendous performance. What a waste of money. Trump then suggested that Lenny should have been the comedian. Hahaha, you’re funny, Mr. Trump. Oh wait, you’re serious? Yup, Trump was actually serious that Lenny should have been the entertainment. This Boardroom was getting more and more ridiculous by the second.
Ultimately, Theresa chose to bring Lenny and Tarek back with her, allowing Charmaine to walk away unscathed. While everyone waited in the lobby, Bill told Trump that Theresa was to blame, but Carolyn, well, she was all about booting Tarek. God, she’s such a golf course snob. Get over it, C-Dawg!
Well, when the trio returned, we were treated to more intense bickering, with Tarek accusing Theresa of constantly interrupting. Then, for once, Carolyn stopped harping on the putting green, and instead listed each and every aspect of the even that went wrong, finally saying, “Leadership, let’s be accountable.” Oooh! Dissed by Carolyn! That always stings!
And yet, Theresa remained steadfast that her leadership style was excellent. You see, a good leader delegates in her handbook, and it wasn’t her fault that everyone dropped the ball (apparently good leaders then don’t oversee the progress of their delegated work).
Asked to defend his putting green yet again, Tarek finally made a salient point. He said that the golf event may not have been quality, but it was a success still. Not even Carolyn could argue that because earlier in the show, she did admit that people seemed to be having fun at the putting green. So take THAT, Kepcher!
Trump then asked Lenny what he’d do with Theresa and Tarek. “Fire ‘em both,” Lenny said in his typical “I’d rather be smoking a cigarette right now” manner.
Trump then griped about the comedienne again, and then asked what the hell was going on with the spokesmodels who knew absolutely nothing about the car. Well, you see, Bryce was supposed to train them, Theresa explained, causing Bill Rancic to ask why the hell Bryce wasn’t in the Boardroom. Um… um… um…
And who was in charge of getting these spokesmodels anyway?
Yes, that’s two things that Charmaine had royally screwed up, and meanwhile, she was up in the suite, perhaps enjoying one of Brent’s signature tower of bagels. Well, Trump was not very happy about that. There was only one thing that pissed him off even more. “Who’s idea was the horse and buggy?” Trump asked. YES! FINALLY he addresses it!
“Actually, it was mine to try and do something–” Theresa started, but The Donald quickly cut her off.
“I HATE IT!” he snapped. Cut to me in my living room laughing and pointing at the TV screen.
Well, between the event being a disaster, the horse-drawn-carriage, and her choice to keep Charmaine out of the Boardroom, Trump did the inevitable and fired Theresa. It really wasn’t a shock, but that’s okay. What it lacked in suspense it more than made up for in pure entertainment value.
As the candidates filed out of the Boardroom, Tarek said, “I’ll step it up, Mr. Trump.”
“You better step it up… if you can!” Trump replied. Oooh! Random zing at the end there! God, I love this show.
After all the insanity of the Boardroom, somehow Tarek and Lenny and Theresa departed on polite, mature terms as both men shook Theresa’s hand and wished her luck. Who would have thought? Well, it was fun knowing you, Theresa. I’m sure we’ll be seeing you in Maxim quite soon. All the best.
What did you think about this episode? Was Trump right to fire Theresa? And what do you think of Lenny? Love him or hate him?