Four Attractive Women?

Dare I say it, I think this was possibly the best episode of the Apprentice so far this season. This isn’t to say it was great, as so far this has easily been the absolute worst season of the Apprentice to date. I think it’s become pretty clear that this show has hit rock bottom, and this will probably be the last installment of the show. Besides, what’s Trump doing with all of his previous apprentices anyway? My guess is that by now, Bill is doing Trump’s laundry, Randal spends most of his time hanging out with Spongebob, Sean is making tea, and apparently Kendra and Kelly died years ago. Seriously, what the hell happened to them?

Anyway, this week’s episode actually kind of reminded me of what this show used to be like, at least if I was completely able to ignore Tim and Nicole’s relationship, the concept of Tent City, and a current cast member sitting in on the boardroom instead of George and Caroline. Okay, so this was nothing like an old episode, but it was still pretty good by this season’s standards.

Anyway, last week Muna got the boot, and I cried for hours.

The final three members of Team Kinetic return to their tent after yet another crushing defeat by Team Arrow. Seriously, I’m still amazed that Arrow has several wins under their belt considering who their team consists of. I guess it goes to show that the candidates this year are the weakest bunch ever.

The three ladies share a toast of what I can only guess is Heineken outside of their tent, while Nicole, Tim and Frank lounge around by the pool. Remember, Arrow are still the “have’s” this week.

We should be drinking Red Stripe.

Nicole tells us that she’s so happy that she’s still alive in this game along with Tim and Frank because “we’re the strongest three people in this interview process.” Um, either that statement is completely wrong, or it’s completely and utterly wrong. One or the other. Nicole mumbles something or another to Tim and Frank about how they should all be in the final three because it would be a great competition. If this show comes down to the three of them, I’m throwing my television out my window.

No, it wouldn’t.

Inside the mansion, the telephone rings. James answers to find Trump himself. And the Donald demands a sacrifice! Someone from Arrow must go join the three losing ladies over at Team Kinetic. Oh the horror! When James finds no volunteers (really, nobody wants to move back outside into the tent?), he must make a difficult decision.

James goes down the line in order to make his decision. “I’m not going to send Frankie because I need his hands.” Oh yeah, those big, strong, muscular hands. Is there something going on between them that we don’t know? “I can’t send Stefani because I need her breasts.” Oh, sorry, he actually said “organization,” but I’m pretty sure he meant “breasts.” He looks at Tim and Nicole and says that they’re both creative so one of them most go…and it’s Nicole! And she is pissed.

Shut up.

While James clearly made the right decision (after all, he couldn’t lose Frank’s hands), Nicole takes it as a personal insult. And perhaps she should, after all, she is completely useless. In a true act of manliness, Tim doesn’t even bother defending or standing up for his newfound love interest. And why would he? Someone had to go, and better her than him.

James tries to apologize to Nicole as she’s leaving, but she launches into some ridiculous tirade about how it’s just going to make her stronger. “I would lose an arm to win the next task,” she tells us. Now that’s an episode I would watch.

The next morning the teams gather at Grauman’s Chinese Theater. James explain to Trump that he made the decision to send Nicole over to the other team, mostly because he couldn’t lose Frank’s glorious hands, or Stefani’s…wait, what does she do again?

“I need her…um…organization skills?”

Trump asks the lovebirds how they feel about losing each other. Okay, this is one running subplot that needs to die. Tim says “It’s not ideal,” and Nicole also says “It’s not ideal.” Wow, original.

Trump tells them that they’ll be working with Universal Studios for their next task. Ivanka goes into more detail. The teams will be working for Universal Studios, selling passes through a new technology called “AdWalker.” Wasn’t that from The Empire Strikes Back? Didn’t Luke destroy a couple of AdWalkers? I can’t remember.

Apparently Angela has taken control of Kinetic’s losing effort this week, despite Nicole’s earlier claim that she was going to “step up.” In their “war room,” Kinetic plans out exactly how they’re going to lose this week.

Across the hall, Arrow also brainstorms ideas. “What about a kiosk?” suggests Tim. Better make sure you’re speaking Spanish…

Meanwhile, Nicole thinks she’s got a great idea! “We’re four cute girls, right?” she asks. Four cute girls? Hmmm, going down the line: No, not really, if I was drunk, and I think that one’s a lesbian.

“Who, me?”

“Wait, which one am I?

“What about roller skates?” Nicole continues. Yeah, what about them? Apparently, everyone thinks this is a great idea, since they’ll be able to move around much better than Arrow. Pure genius, Nicole.

That night in the mansion, Arrow is ready for all out war. Tim is getting extra fired up since he knows Nicole is going to be trying extra hard to win. Oh yeah, be real scared of Nicole, she might talk you all to death.

The next morning, Arrow gets to the theme park early in order to set up their kiosk. They also get fitted with their own personal AdWalker, which looks a little bit like a dynamite vest.

The Apprentice: Iraq

Kinetic shows up a little bit later, decked out in AdWalkers and…roller skates. Nicole tells us “Sex sells, there’s four attractive women on this team.” Once again: definitely not, kinda mannish, maybe if it were really dark, and kinda. These ladies have nothing on Stefani.

Arrow quickly comes up with a scheme, they’re going to start giving out free water and shouting at every customer to not buy from the unattractive women on roller skates. Free water? Sign me up!

Apparently, the bullhorn shouting strategy works, and Kinetic begins gobbling up all of Arrow’s would-be sales. Who knew what a draw free water was?

Kristine finds their strategy slimy. Yeah, slimy and successful. Ivanka finally rolls in and asks Angela how things are going. She responds by saying she’s not happy with Arrow’s strategy. But based on what we’re shown, Arrow just seems to be better salespeople than Kinetic. Besides, Kinetic tried their own slimy strategy to begin with by attempting to sell passes through sex appeal. Look, if you’re going to sell sex, try being attractive next time.

Bringing sexy back?

The teams enter the boardroom to learn the results. Trump says he hopes Kinetic won because he loves Angela and also because he’s surprised Nicole was sent over to them. Ivanka announces that Team Kinetic sold $24,000 worth of passes. However, Arrow sold $31,000 worth of passes, a nearly 25% advantage. The teams bicker a little bit about Arrow being overaggressive, but Trump says it sounds like Arrow just worked harder.

As their reward, Arrow is going to be taken on a helicopter ride on a tour of LA. Yawn. The rewards part of this show is always the least interesting, but this year that has been taken to a whole new level. Airplane rides? Helicopter rides? Can we just fast forward this stuff?

Dressed for a funeral.

A sullen Nicole tells us that she’s sad that Tim didn’t stand up for her when she got sent over to the losing team. Meanwhile, Tim tells us that he knew he was going to have to deal with someone leaving. Through the bushes, Nicole and Tim talk about how he didn’t defend her when James decided to boot her from the team. This subplot NEEDS TO DIE.

In a solitary moment of manhood, Tim tells Frank “It happened, get over it! To do what she just did is…no good.” James, listening in, says “I will never ever understand women. Now where are those great big hands of Frank’s?”

The next morning, Arrow gets taken on their helicopter tour of the city. Yawn.

A tip for Kinetic: This is how to sell sex.

Back at the tents, Angela discusses strategy and feels like it’s in her best interests to blame Nicole. After all, it was her roller skating strategy that helped attribute to the loss. Tim talks to Nicole some more through the shrubbery, and makes an attempt to apologize for not backing her up. Inside the mansion, James tells Frank that he’s going to go after whoever came up with the roller skating idea since it was “a horrible idea.”

The entire team follows this up with a conversation in the kitchen about crushing their enemies. Tim runs outside to give Nicole advice as Frank screams “Where’s he going? This is bullshit!” Tim tells Nicole that James is going after her roller skating idea so she needs to be ready. Weak. That’s just so incredibly weak. All respect for Tim is now officially gone. First his taste in women is horrible, secondly he now has no balls either. As Joe Pesci said in My Cousin Vinny, “I’ve got no more use for this guy.”

Tim goes back inside and says “I told her good luck, that’s it.” Why must you turn this mansion into a house of lies?

“This pasta is bullshit!”

And to the boardroom we go. Trump enters and begins by telling Angela that her gold medal in the Olympics hasn’t helped her win anything on the Apprentice. Angela blames the loss on their selling concept, and thus puts the loss on Nicole. Angela says the problem was that while they were running around chasing customers, Arrow had a booth set up and customers were coming directly to them.

Trump asks James why he sent Nicole over. James never fully answers the question before Trump gets completely sidetracked and asks Nicole if Tim is in love with her. I have no idea why this is in the boardroom. This leads to a two minute conversation about their relationship, wherein Trump tells her to get rid of him since he didn’t stand up for her. Hmm, relationship advice from Donald Trump? Now THAT should be a TV show.

“Let me tell you something about relationships…”

Getting back to what’s important, Nicole says that Angela wasn’t a great leader. Ivanka says their sales strategy basically sucked.

James asks Angela why they lost, and Angela goes back to the fact that they were chasing customers. Trump, still smitten by Angela’s Olympic background, wants to know if that makes her a good leader.

Trump goes down the line, and the other three women say that Angela should be fired. Trump doesn’t want to fire Angela, because in case you weren’t yet aware, Angela was in the Olympics. Angela sits back and can’t make a very strong case for herself, and yes, she is fired.

On the way out, Nicole has something to say. She wants Trump to allow Tim to come to Kinetic. Shut up.

And thus ends another episode. Does anyone, anyone at all care about this Tim/Nicole relationship?