Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

After last week’s Apprentice bloodletting, it would have been hard for the Donald to top himself, but he managed to set us atwitter once again as he delivered yet another scandalous Boardroom. Granted, only one person was fired this time, but that shouldn’t distract us from the frank and, at times, baffling discussion about sex, homosexuality, anti-Semitism, and of course, Carolyn’s boobs. It was kind of like the After School Special from hell. In other words, it was awesome.This week’s episode began with the cruelest of openings: watching the clueless survivors of the Excel genocide ponder when their trusty teammates would return. Of course, they had no way of knowing that none of their compadrés would be waltzing back in the door; and so they waited and waited and waited. “It’s just gonna be interesting to see who comes back. I hope at least two people come back,” Marshawn said with a faint glimmer of despair in her voice.

“I’m pretty sure there’ll be at least three people coming back,” Rubble Man Brian said confidently, clearly still full of the hopeful optimism that stems from international recording success. But even the best of Wyclef’s proteges have fears, and Brian was no exception. “If we lose Josh or James, I will freak out. I will lose it,” the Medium Pimp warned. So would it be safe to say that you would be FREEEAKIN’?

Well, Brian had better get some tissues ready because the realization that Josh AND James (and Jen and Mark) would not be returning would soon be dawning upon him. Yes, hours and hours ticked away in the suite as all the contestants sat around and waited for the not-so-fab four to come back. Hey Robin, how about you give them a call? I mean, what are you getting paid for? To sit around all day and play solitaire at your fake desk?

The wait may have been torturous for our would-be apprentices, but it was fairly awesome for us — in that typical sadistic way we’ve come to expect from the best reality shows. Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and at midnight, Alla officially declared the quartet done and fired. Everyone retreated to their beds, but Brian remained awake and attentive, still holding out hope that one of his “brothers” might come back to him. Poor kid. What will become of the Rubble Man touring band now? As he quietly turned off his bed light, I half anticipated him to gaze out the window and sing “Somewhere Out There.” After all, I think we can all agree that Brian is the modern incarnation of Fievel Mousekewitz.

The next morning, it was time to get back down to business. The suite’s other musical genius, Adam, announced that he would be Project Manager for his team and was ready to tackle the task. And you know what that means: more a cappella! “Delicious wishes… FREAKIN!” (That was a mash-up. I know, very Jay-Z and Linkin Park of me.)

Well, the teams all arrived at one of Trump’s various buildings and guess who Donald brought along this morning? None other than the Apprentice of Blandness, Mr. Kelly Perdew! And what Kelly Perdew appearance wouldn’t be complete without a helpful dose of awkward nervousness. Yay!

Battle of the Squidwards!

Anyway, Trump gave Excel the option to take someone from Capital Edge, and surprise surprise, they chose the smartest man of all Bikini Bottom, the one and only Randal Squidward! Why does everyone want Randal? Just because he’s articulate, smart, a Rhodes scholar, capable, and heads and shoulders above everyone else doesn’t mean that he’s all that and a bag of chips. Am I right people? Right? Eh, I need a tonic.

Well, the big challenge this week was to design a course for the Learning Annex, home of the Real Estate Expo featuring none other than… Donald Trump. I suppose it was time for the Learning Annex to get some loving, after all, the organization did pay Trump a hefty $12 million this year for his appearances. Well, Adam gathered his team together and got the ball rolling on for the task — a task that’s not significantly more difficult than any sort of oral presentation from freshman year of college. Nevertheless, Alla was in charge of brainstorming, and she ordered each member of her team to come up with five topics in ten minutes. Wow. A structured, organized brainstorming session. Sounds good! Oh wait, we forgot about Markus. Yes, after a few weeks of relative dormancy, Markus and his bumbling mannerisms reared his ugly head to remind us that yes, he’s still an idiot. And just in case we couldn’t tell that he was a total waste of space, Mark Burnett played some of that jazzy, “time’s a-wastin’!” music in the background as Markus pitched his idea, which ironically centered around “time management.” All in all, it wasn’t a bad idea, per se, but when Alla then asked for four more ideas, Markus flung his hands in the air as if to say, “I just gave you pure gold. If you don’t want to take it, that’s your problem.” Actually, that’s not too far from what he actually did say, which was, “That’s not the way I think… I come up with blockbuster ideas.” And seriously, you’ve got to admit: “time management” is a grand-slam blockbuster if I’ve ever seen one. I mean, it’ll never be as viscerally iconic as the great “Smooth as silk” Lamborghini pitch, but what can? It’s pure marketing perfection!

Eventually, the brainstorming did flourish, and in a move that should surprise no one, former stripper Alla suggested a seminar on sex in the office. This immediately caused Adam to blush as he seemed to actually fear the word “sex,” or as he calls it, “Yucky thing that men and women do.” In an effort to appease their modest Project Manager, the teammates then came up with a list of synonyms for “it,” but still, Adam was resistant. For instance, he warned, “I do not want the word ‘intimacy’ to allude to the word ‘sex.’” So this is where uncreative corporate middle managers come from. Bravo, Adam!

Meanwhile, Clay had a theory as to why Adam was so nervous around this topic. Basically, he didn’t think Adam had ever had sex. What? That’s a ridiculous assertion. Surely anyone who could sing the sexy refrain of The Rubble Man would have ladies all over him. FREAKIN’!

Over at Excel, things were running fairly smoothly under Randal’s watch. Granted, Rebecca and Brian were fairly underwhelmed by the team’s “Stand Out! How to Make Your Mark” theme, but let’s be honest. It was clear already that this team would be winning, so why even bother checking in on them? Instead, let’s go back to Capital Edge, who had spent the entire afternoon researching various topics about sex in the workplace. Unfortunately for them, Markus’s research seemed to center around the words “Uh” and “Well, um.” Adam pulled his scatterbrained worker-bee aside, but even this quaint, middle management strategy was of no use. Capital Edge was doomed, especially when we returned from commercial and saw that Trump’s big lesson was “Get to the point!” By the way, anyone with eagle-eyes might have recognized Trump’s son sitting in the office during this scene. Granted, I haven’t seen Donald Jr. a lot, but it’s hard to deny that signature Trump pucker.

The next day, it was finally show time, and Excel took over the ‘Nex first. Randal immediately got the crowd pumped with his brand of Spongebob enthusiasm, thus making a believer out of a tardy George Ross, who sang his praises in an interview. Also singing Randal’s praises, I’m sure, were the dozens of people happily learning to be more assertive with their wants. It was pretty fun watching these wallflowers trying to be bold. Kind of felt like every Rick Moranis movie I’d ever seen.

Later, it was time for the big Capital Edge class, which began with Adam awkwardly rising from the audience and saying, “Sex at work.” Okay, this is gonna be awkward. Very awkward. And I’m sure all these people really wanted to hear about sex from a dweeby nebbish who would probably lose a fight to Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Then again, RBG is a pretty tough bitch.

Anyway, Adam continued the seminar by noting, “I’m just a nice Jewish boy from Atlanta.” He may be a nice Jewish boy, but he said SEX! I’m gonna tell his mom! His J-Date profile will be toast!

And yes, I’m currently registering with J-Date to see if Adam has a page. Pending…

Update: I am officially TheRubbleMan. Feel free to contact my J-Date profile. I guarantee I will not be checking it for the next six to nine months. And no, I could not find Adam Green. But in other news, I now am 7’2″, can speak Tagalog, and have a “husky” build.

Nevertheless, back at the Capital Edge seminar, shy Jewish boy Adam was clearly struggling with the subject material, but luckily Clay was able to step up and really make the presentation classy: “You know, maybe I saw this amazing guy that came into work one day, and I was like oh my god, look at his ass. And there you are and you want to talk about it, but you can’t,” he said. Like totally. Happens all the time. Clay continued: “I had an employer once who liked to come up and slap me on the ass and just tell me, ‘Hey boy, you’re doing a good job.’” That employer: Donald Trump. I know, surprising, right?

Things got really awkward though when Adam tried to steer the class away from ass-smacking good times and said, “You know, what’s great about dinner is that you have great conversation, but I have to feel really comfortable with the person, and I also have to be willing to spend the money.” To which Clay responded, “But remember, he’s the shy, tight Jewish boy.” Ah yes. Nothing like ambiguously anti-Semitic remarks. Just ask season two’s Jennifer Crisafulli. Actually, it seemed like Clay probably meant to say “uptight” instead of “tight,” but that’s okay. It was worth it to hear Adam awkwardly smile and mutter, “Um, so yeah.” It was like he had out-Chenned Julie Chen.

Later, Adam commenced the traditional game of operator by saying, “Basically, Clay called me a tight-ass Jew.” Um, actually, not really. Luckily, Adam corrected himself moments later. Sort of. “I’m not sure if word for word that was exactly what he said, but ‘Jew’ and somewhere ‘tightass’ were in there.” Well, at least “Jew” was. Later, Clay offered to buy him a Jew’s harp as a gift, but Adam complained, “He called me a Jewish harpy! Unacceptable!”

Now, all this was fun and scandalous, but the real va-va-vavoom moment came when the teams returned to the Boardroom to find Ms. Carolyn Kepcher in all her pale-skinned, mildly sunburned, freckly, breasty glory. Yes, our favorite ice queen had eschewed her normal business attire for something more commonly found on a showgirl at Caesar’s Palace. That’s not to say I didn’t like it. I’m all for Carolyn sluttin’ it up once in a while. Actually, I feel badly using the word “slut” with Carolyn since I hold her in such high regard. Maybe a more appropriate expression would be… uh… “sartorially liberated.” I will say that the thrill of seeing all this Carolyn skin was quickly diminished over time as I began to feel more and more like I just caught a neighbor stepping out of the shower. Okay, somebody throw a shawl on her. Maybe a tarp. Some Post-Its. QUICKLY, PLEASE!

Meanwhile, I’m sure within two seconds of walking into the Boardroom, Adam had already fainted on the ground, attacked by a case of the lady vapors.

Trump soon entered, and like the rest of America, he turned to his sidekick and exclaimed, “Whoa whoa!” Whoa whoa indeed! In other news, “Whoa whoa” will be included in The Rubble Man remix, courtesy of DJ Clue. Anyway, when Trump asked C-Dawg what was up with her attire, she replied, “Well, you’re not the only one who dresses in tuxedos to go out.” Very true. But guess what, Carolyn? THAT’S NOT A TUXEDO.

Nevertheless, there was business to get to. Time to read the class scores. Capital Edge got slammed for their sex talk, earning a pithy score of 6.98. Excel, meanwhile, was praised unanimously, and given all their accolades, you would have thought they’d launched the best seminar EVER. But they only won with a score of 7.07, a mere margin of .09 points. So don’t let this win go to your head, RANDAL.

As a reward, Excel was treated to a shopping spree from none other than Project Runway judge and noisemaker, Michael Kors. This resulted in the standard try-things-on-and-squeal montage, and in the end, everyone emerged with multiple shopping bags and oversized sunglasses aplenty. Meanwhile, back at the suite, Adam strategized with Alla over his plan to railroad Clay out of the Boardroom. It made sense. After all, Adam reminded us that Clay said “Slap on the ass!” Such vulgar language! Surely people were offended! After all, if there’s anyone who attends a class about sex, it’s the Religious Right.

Markus still basks in the genius that was “Smooth as silk.”

Anyway, down in the Boardroom, the sparks began to fly quickly as Adam accused Clay of making questionable Jewish remarks. Of course, Clay simply rolled his eyes and explained, “I said Adam is the tight, little Jewish boy that is uncomfortable talking about sex.” Well, this understandably drew the ire of George who barked, “That has noooo place in the marketplace, that type of remark.” Uh oh. Grandpa’s mad! Luckily, Donald cut the tension by cracking a funny: when Adam claimed he was trying to approach the topic of sex in the workplace in a classy way, Trump joked, “I’ve never heard of classy sex in the workplace.” And with that, the studio audience chuckled. Then suddenly Charlie from next door came over to borrow some sugar and tell us all about the hot date he had that night, to which everyone laughed, “Oh Charlie!”

Okay, that didn’t happen, but there certainly was a lot of comedy in the Boardroom, especially once Trump asked the perennially tongue-tied Markus, “Why’d you lose?” Commence awkwardness… now. “Um… where do I begin? Um…” said Markus as he literally tapped his fingers on the table. This was followed by an avalanche of aborted sentences, stutters, and of course, pregnant pauses. And no, I did not intend to use “aborted” and “pregnant” in the same sentence. Somehow, amidst all this silliness, it was revealed to Trump that Clay was gay. “Did everyone know this? ‘Cause I didn’t know,” Trump announced. Worst gaydar EVER. Although, technically, I think Trump may have been putting on a performance. After all, earlier this year, he made a whole stink about how he had handpicked this cast, and there’s no way he could have overlooked Clay’s sexual orientation, especially when the fab candidate had so proudly announced in the premiere episode that he was the first ever openly gay Apprentice cast member. Nevertheless, Trump continued to act dumbfounded with this strange concept of “homosexuality” and questioned Clay on the extent of his gayness: “So you don’t find Alla very attractive. And you don’t find Felisha very attractive.” He then added, “Carolyn, show Clay your tits. Let’s really test this guy.”

Ultimately, Trump concluded this Very Special Boardroom moment with a little lesson we could all take to heart. “That’s why they have menus in restaurants, you know?” he started. “I like steak, somebody else likes spaghetti. That’s why they have menus in restaurants. It’s a great world.” Hallelujah! A great world indeed! And we should all enjoy it without limit, which is why TVgasm endorses Hometown Buffet as the dining metaphor of choice.

Eventually, scrutiny fell once again on Markus as Trump once again tried to pin down what exactly he did during this task. Markus insisted that he had a wonderful plan for a time-management class, but like the rest of America, this just made Alla laugh. And of course, that sidetracked our bumbling candidate, which caused Carolyn to exasperatedly ask again, “Markus, what was your role?”

“My role was– at first off, I felt like the interactivity with the audience, given the, in my opinion, lack of the educational value was key. To try to get some goodwill from the crowd,” Markus said.

“Answer the question! …The first question was why did the team lose, and I haven’t heard the answer to that at all!” George suddenly snapped in his lovable yet grouchy voice. Surely Markus would have a succinct answer now, right??

“Is the question, ‘Why did we lose?’” Markus asked. And yes, that was the sound of eyes rolling across America.

Unsurprisingly, Adam elected to bring Clay and Markus back with him into the Boardroom, and while the three waited out in the lobby, Carolyn complained about Markus to Trump: “He seems to take himself out and waits for the task to fail and turns around and says ‘I told you so!’” She HATES Markus! You can always tell when Carolyn is upset because she sounds like a parakeet stuck under a rock.

Anyway, Trump called the guys back in, and lo and behold, our favorite fake receptionist Robin actually stood up from her desk and opened the Boardroom door, ushering the guys in with a curt, “C’mon!” Whoa. I can’t believe she got off her lazy ass. I didn’t even know she had legs!

Once the men were seated at the table again, The Donald opened up with a fairly standard question in business: “Adam, let me ask you thins question: have you ever had sex before?” Well, I guess it goes along with the whole “Get To The Point” thing. I suppose next week’s big lesson will be, “Find out the sexual practices of your peers.” And let’s be honest: that’s affected many, many business deals.

Well, Adam politely sidestepped Trump’s inquiry (actually, he flat out refused to answer), and surprisingly, Trump did not launch into another restaurant metaphor: “I like to dip my sushi in soy sauce, somebody else likes the hand roll. It’s a wonderful world.” Instead, the panel refocused on Markus again, with Carolyn asking again: “Markus, what did you do on this task?” And again, Markus responded incoherently, “What I did was I had talked to– I had one lady speak– Uh– Speak to– uh…”

Finally, Carolyn interrupted him and said, “I believe you believe in the ‘Cover Your Ass Theory.’ Because that seems to be what you do. As the task is going on, you always say ‘I don’t think we’re going to win because…’ and you’re very, very negative. Why? So you can turn around at the very end when the task is over, you can turn around and say ‘I told you so.’” To which Markus responded, “I can’t believe you said that all without stuttering.” Actually, he didn’t say that. If he did, it would have sounded more like “I can’t, well, the woman said, um, interactivity, uh, butterflies evolve from– it’s just that– what was the question?”

Just because Markus was feeling the heat didn’t mean that Clay was out of the kiln though (yes, that was a pottery pun). But in a mildly surprising move, Adam told Trump that he didn’t think Clay was actually anti-Semitic, a gesture Trump called very “big.” And because this episode was all about awkward moments, Trump then returned to the old sex topic and said, “Listen, Adam isn’t good with sex. You might be in ten years, but right now, you don’t feel comfortable with sex. Do you agree with that?”

“I agree with you, sir,” answered Adam, and just when we thought this uncomfortable line of questioning might be over, Trump continued:

“You will. Someday, you will. It’s gotten me into a lot of trouble, Adam. It’s cost me a lot of money. You’ll probably be there. In many respects, I hope you are. Because there’s nothing else like it.” GREAT. Now I’m thinking about Donald Trump orgasming. Gross! And now I’m thinking about him banging Melania. Make it stop! Make it stop! My imagination is bleeding!

Anyway, even though Trump thought Clay was a disaster and Adam was “soft” (in more ways than one, I imagine), he ultimately fired Markus for being an ineffective, incoherent mess. Surely this would be the end of the Boardroom sparks, yes? NO. When Trump kindly added, “Good luck, Markus,” our favorite longwinded idiot retorted, “If you meant it. I don’t think you do. I don’t think he does. It’s been a railroad from the beginning. So…”

“A railroad?” asked a confused and mildly incredulous Trump.

“Yeah, it has,” Markus replied. By the way, post-firing Boardroom moments are few and far between, but they’re always fantastic. At this moment, I most certainly had my Apprentice foam finger out.

“But Markus, you talk too long, too much, and you say the wrong things,” Trump said.

“I disagree, and I don’t think you’ve had enough experience,” Markus shot back, revealing whole new depths of his idiocy. Finally, Trump had had enough and simply dismissed him with an exhausted, “Markus… it doesn’t matter. Just go. And I happen to think you’re a nice guy.”

Complaining is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!

“I appreciate the sentiment,” he replied. Man, that was his most articulate comment ever, even if it was a wordier version of “Thank you.” At long last, Markus left, and as the other two guys boarded the elevator up to the suite, our resident male bitch Clay angrily told Adam, “Don’t talk to me!” Later, when they returned to the living quarters, Clay slammed the front door open, thus ensuring that at the very least, the first five minute’s of the next episode would feature nothing less than a shrieking, snippy, bitchy tirade. And honestly, what better way to start off an episode of The Apprentice?

As for Markus, he waddled out to the taxi and desperately tried to refute his rep as a wordy, rambling, incoherent mess. “I think the team took advantage of my ideas. I… the the the the people. Seeing how to say it… [pause] you know, I… you know, I speak intelligently, and I speak to the point.” Whatever you say, Markus. Whatever you say… (in a long, meaningless, choppy sentence).

What did you think about this episode?