Love Is A Many Splendored You’re Fired

Anyone catch the awesome clip of Trump slapping around Vince McMahon? Since it all has to do with wrestling I have no idea whether it’s real or fake, but it’s still hilarious to watch. YouTube it! Oh fine, I’ll do it for you. And also, luckily for us, Trump’s guy won in the ring, so The Donald did not have to shave off his trademark coif. That was a close call. Also, The Apprentice happened.

The girls return from the boardroom and try to con Tim into thinking that Nicole got fired. Oh, but she was just hiding in the bushes! Nicole, you lovable scamp! They tell Tim that Trump was really down on him, prompting Tim to call him a bastard. Because that’s surely the way to win a job, call the boss a bastard. Then again, this is Trump, so he might like that sort of thing. Heidi complains that they’re all acting like they’re in high school, and honestly is she really surprised about that? Has she ever SEEN this show? Well, James is disgusted. He even says so. He pull his team back into the mansion and tell them about how Nicole told Trump to offer Tim the chance to switch teams, because she thought that he would. So James asks if they planned that whole thing. You know, between the bushes. Tim reassures his team that his loyalty is split between them and Nicole. Huh? Tim is stupid.

“MY BUDDY TONY JUST WHACKED A GUY, SO I TOOK HIM OUT FOR A NICE BOWL A PASTA FAZOOL!!”

The next morning, the mists roll in over the mansion. Hey, they’ve used that before. Lies! Secrets and lies! The teams get an early morning phone call (yay!) and Andie tells them to meet Mr. Trump at the L.A. Times. Hey, I was just thinking about something. Remember right after the first episode of the season, where they had to hawk car washes, when Nicole said that her voice sounded like that because she was hoarse from yelling all day? Yeah, by now I think we can conclude that she was lying. She sounds that terrible all the time.

The teams find Mr. Trump amid a maze of spinning newspapers. He throws a lot of statistics at them, as always, then tells them that they’ll be creating a supplement for the Sunday paper that will feature a mouthwash called Smart Mouth. He introduces the Bland Execs, one of whom is a doctor. Of bad breath-ology? Trump then throws it on over to Ivanka to explain the task, and she…repeats everything he just said. Then Donald Jr. pops out from behind a garbage can and says it again. Then George and Caroline bungee down from the ceiling and say it again, just for good measure.

Journalism!

Goofy music plunks away as the morons at Team Arrow smell each other’s breath. Ew. Frank starts to throw out an idea, but Tim steamrolls him with his own vision. He wants a group of people standing around with a headline that says ‘Everyone has bad breath.’ Which is exactly what I want to look at in my Sunday paper. Tim then dances around to the front of the wipe board, or the “Genius Chart”, as I like to call it, to show the illustrations of the science behind Smart Mouth. Good strategy, Tim. Dr. Halitosis will love you for that.

“Science!”

On the other hand, we know that Kinetic is doing well because they get the cosmopolitan, can-do-attitude music. Heidi is project manager (again? Hey Nicole, STEP UP), so you know they’re probably going to win. Their concept involves the three of them posing with salacious smiles to convey the fact that EVERYONE has bad breath, but that Smart Mouth can help. It can help EVERYONE! And by everyone they of course mean only the sexy ladies. Nicole reminds us that they’re not just three intelligent women, but they’re also really hot. Thanks, Nicole. Heidi expresses some concern over the fact that they’ve narrowed down the demographic to just really attractive women (seriously, these girls have self-esteem issues), but we can all tell they’re going to win so let’s just not waste any more time with these SMOKIN’ HOT BABES.

“We are enthusiastic about our product.”

Frank and Stefani are out on the streets of L.A., recruiting “regular” people to be part of their ad campaign. They squeeze them into some hideous pajamas and put them up against a white screen with their hands over their mouths. You know, to convey bad breath. I personally prefer those little cartoon bad breath monsters that dance around a giant set of molars, but that’s just me. Frank is sort of the director, but then Tim takes over because Frank allegedly doesn’t know what he’s talking about. It seems to me that my hamster could probably do a better job at directing a mouthwash ad photoshoot, but I digress.

Frank somehow comes to this same realization (that the ad sucks, not that my hamster is a cinematic visionary), and tries to convince his team that they need to reshoot. James whines in his interview that when a person complains about the idea at the last minute, it’s bad for the team. Yeah, kind of like you’ve done EVERY WEEK, James?? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Get off of my television. Take your Fountain O’ Hair and go.

The evil red moon rises over L.A. once again. You mean to tell me there’s a full moon every week? What kind of third dimension are these kids living in? Or maybe this is actually a 14-MONTH interview. Whatever. The next morning, Arrow is throwing together what’s left of their ad. Tim is directing the Science Page. James says that none of them got any sleep, but he’s really damn chipper about it so I can only assume that James is some sort of undead zombie that doesn’t require sleep. Frank and Stefani decide to go back to the mansion to shower and change, while James and Tim stay behind to finish up the supplement. Which is a great plan, because Tim doesn’t have a suit. Or shoes. Or any common sense.

In the van, Frank and Stefani realize that they both forgot their phones. At the office, James and Tim futilely try to call to remind them to bring Tim some clothes. And WAHP WAHP, the phones are in the back seat. Oh well! Frank and Stefani, or Frankani, as I will refer to them hence forth, run around the house like a pack of drunken monkeys. Hours later, Tim and James still haven’t shown up, so Frankani decides to leave without them. They discover the hidden phones in the car, then call the office to see if they’ve left. But WAHP WAHP, the battery dies before they can even get an answer. Oh, cell phone intrigue, good times!

Truly a hiding spot shrouded in mystery.

As it turns out, James and Tim have gone straight to the L.A. Times for the presentation. Remember that Tim is still in his pajamas. I’m totally gearing up for Humiliations Galore, while Tim tries to figure out what he should do in case Frankani forgets his suit. He suggests that Jim let him borrow his suit coat, so he can put it on over his t-shirt and throw on a tie while he’s at it. James points out that you need a collar for a tie. I half expect The Donald to pop into the room at this very instant to tell Tim he’s sooo fired, but alas, no such delight occurs. Frankani arrives with the damn suit (but no socks), so the day is saved. Damn you Apprentice and your birthday suit fake-outs!

It’s time for the big presentation. Stefani strides into the room, her Unnecessary Reading Glasses out in full force. The team unveils their supplements, and Stefani delivers the presentation very well. Too bad it’s a total piece of crap. It contains phrases such as “Now for the first time ever, two active ingredients!” and, my personal favorite, “The smartness is in the science!” I’m so glad Mrs. Watson’s third grade class was on hand to write up such a nice speech for Arrow Corp. Well done, kids!

“Mouthwash is for to make breath gooder.”

Time for Kinetic’s turn. They bring the Bland Execs a full paper, allowing them to revel in the beauty of their supplement as soon as it is unfurled from the shining beacon that is the L.A. Times. It’s clearly much better than Arrow’s, because it’s cut in the shape of a Smart Mouth bottle. Get it? The smartness is in the science! Heidi delivers a knock-out presentation and flashes that million-dollar smile of hers, and it’s in the bag. The leaflet is also very nice. Bland Execs are practically creaming their pants over the damn thing. I wonder what it must be like to be a marketing executive and get all excited over things like this. “Hi honey, I’m home! Yeah, rough day at the office and all, but you would not BELIEVE this FANTASTIC Sunday paper supplement my minions made for me today! It knocked my SOCKS off! Hey, let’s make love RIGHT NOW! The smartness is in the SCIENCE!”

Both teams and Trump are called in. He immediately blares “TIM, WHERE ARE YOUR SOCKS?” Or maybe that happened in my head, but either way it made me chuckle. The Bland Execs inform Trump that Arrow’s ad was confusing and disjointed, whereas Kinetic’s was totally fantastic. “Kinetic, you win!” gushes Dr. Bad Breath. Oh man, she’s not going to be coming off this high for DAYS! Plus, the ad is so great that she’s going to walk it right over to the president of the L.A. Times and DEMAND that it be run in this Sunday’s paper! This is the best day ever in the history of oral hygiene!

Happiest mouthwash ad executive doctor EVER!

The teams switch places at the mansion once again, and Nicole proclaims that since this is her first Kinetic win, they are about to see her “unleashed”. Please, put the leash back on. And also a muzzle, for the love of God. Over in Tent City, Frank loudly snacks on a bag of Ruffles while his team stares at him, perturbed. It’s pretty funny. Eh, I guess you had to be there. “At least we’re not missing out on a really fantastic reward,” pouts Stefani.

The Fountain O’ Hair has been deflated.

Cut to the reward, which consists of…family! Huzzah! I love when family is the reward on reality shows, because not only is it quite touching to witness the sacred human bonds that hold us so closely together, but it’s also a fantastic opportunity to viciously mock those that have spawned these obnoxious contestants. This installment is made up of Heidi’s mom, Nicole’s mom, and Kristine’s husband. Nicole tells us she couldn’t be “more happier.” Nice job, Nicole’s mom! Hooked on Phonics worked for her!

Shut up.

Kristine informs us that her husband Bluto (I think that’s his name, and if not, it’s still hilarious) is one of the top 50 chefs in the world, and he’s going to be cooking them dinner. Kristine sounds a little delusional, if you ask me. Tim peeks through the bushes via the hole that they’ve worn through by now, and meets Nicole’s mother. Ah, that’s a story for the grandkids. Tim amusingly notes that Trump has added an “extra complication to my life right now” in the form of the future in-law. Nicole then goes on to dish with mom about the entire Tim debacle. This is Really Fascinating.

Heeeeere’s Timmy!

Heidi is especially thrilled that her mother is here because Heidi has lived in Southern California for seven years and her mother has never gotten a chance to come out and visit her. Additionally, Mom is a hospice nurse, and she was a single mom for many years, and she also had to walk to school in the freezing rain uphill both ways. Oprah has already bought up the rights to her story, so be on the lookout for Heidi’s Mom: A Time To Heal coming to a Lifetime Network near you.

There’s that full moon again! L.A. must really have a serious werewolf problem.

We get a nice little montage of L.A. Times papers being thrown at various houses around the neighborhood. How quaint. One of them torpedoes its way onto the mansion porch, where the Kinetic girls take it in and proudly show it off to their loved ones, who are probably thinking “Really? I paid for a college degree and she made a book about mouthwash?” Nicole, who apparently missed out her mother’s Intelligence and Quiet genes, badgers her mom for advice on Tim. Mom tells her to forget about Tim and just focus on the tasks. Nicole’s mom is a better candidate than Nicole! Somebody inform Mr. Trump!

Way to ignore the Pink Shirt With White Pants Memo, HEIDI!

“Andie Through The Decades” this week features our favorite little doorwoman in a stylish blouse and skirt that screams late ’90s. Thanks Andie with an i!

“Door is nice.”

In the boardroom, a shot of James shows that his Fountain O’Hair has returned with a VENGEANCE. Seriously, the thing could eat a small child. He tells Trump that the task got off to a bad start because of the fight between Tim and the rest of the team over the whole Nicole affair. Trump finds it hard to believe that Tim would want Nicole’s team to win because “he’s in like with her, or maybe in love with her.” Hehe. In like with her. I’ll have to remember that one. Tim sputters on and on about loyalty but fails to make a real point. Ivanka literally chucks the two ads at Tim and asks him to compare the two, and Trump blares that they’re not even close. Looks like Trump appreciates good mouthwash leaflets too. He and Dr. PlaqueWarrior should start a fan club.

The Fountain is back! Hide the children!

James blames (that rhymes!) everything on the fact that there were lots of distractions this time around. For example, Frank’s questioning of the concept so late in the game. I must say, Frank has clearly grown in the past few weeks, as he is not screaming and jumping up and down like a monkey, but instead calmly sitting and defending himself in a reasonable volume. Ivanka then says that since this was a marketing ad, there was no need to intricately depict the germs that will be killed by the damn mouthwash. Ivanka HATES science! She must not have heard that science is where the smartness is.

Trump admits that he’s probably not going to fire James. Oh, he’s just entranced by the Fountain, no man can say no to that thing! And Stefani had nothing to do with the loss, so she’s safe too (and really intelligent, in my opinion, because she always knows when to keep her mouth shut). Tim argues that he is always coming up with the big ideas, whereas Frank is not very good at brainstorming and is better suited to running errands. WELL. Franky doesn’t like this one bit: “You’re still wet behind the ears, young man,” he sneers at Tim. NICE. I love it. Frank argues that if Tim had taken this “”"interview process”"” seriously (there aren’t enough air quotes to properly illustrate how ironic that that phrase has become), he wouldn’t have shacked up with a hussy. Tim argues that he hasn’t let it interfere with his work, and that the team keeps bringing it up because it’s an easy target. If I were Tim, and not scared out of my mind by Donald Trump, I would point out that Trump is the one who kept bringing it up. Every week. In every boardroom. And probably as Tim slept, strains of Trump whispering “in like with her” occasionally wafted over Tent City.

Anyway, Tim is fired. I do not envy the ears of anyone within a ten-mile radius when Nicole finds out that he’s gone. Tim laments the fact that he will be “grayed out” on the NBC website now. HA. Good old Tim, always thinking ahead.

Would some mouthwash make you feel better?

So…I’m not really sure what happened in this episode. What are we supposed to take away from it? There’s no room for romance in business? Trump was the one who was always harping on it, then he turns right back around and scolds Tim for bringing it up all time? I call shenanigans. Usually I agree with the Trumpster, but this season his decisions have seemed to be more and more whack. (Are the kids still using that phrase?) So yeah. Thoughts? Comments? Where is the smartness? IN THE SCIENCE YOU SAY?!