MAXIM-IZE Your 15 Minutes of Shame

So you want to be a master of industry. You invest years of learning, tens of thousands of dollars on education and countless man-hours hard at work proving your worth as a business woman. All of this building to the most spectacular interview of your life. An opportunity to be the apprentice to a man whose name is synonimous with power, strength, respect and most of all wealth. That name, Donald Trump.

After weeks of a globally broadcast job interview, during which you must prove week after week, task after task that all your experience and education makes you deserving the respect and position as President of a Trump organization, you are, humbly, let go. So, what now? What does a strong proper business woman do? How can you continue the momentum which will eventually guide you to become the master of industry you are so deserving of? SHOW YOUR JUBBLIES!

The ladies of The Apprentice 2 “are fired” up as they make the natural progression from leaders of industry, to reality TV personality, and ultimately to the pages of Maxim Magazine. Proving once again, the real way for a woman to accell in this male driven society is to be sitting next to the male driving, preferably in lingerie and if necessary, fellate that society he is driving like only a college educated woman can.

But the real heroes in this story are the underage children in the Ecuadorian airbrushing facilities, employed by MAXIM. For only $0.12 a day they can turn shriveled, liver spotted belly warmers, into supple sweater muffins.

FULL MAXIM PHOTO’S AND REVIEW AFTER THE JUMPLet’s begin this review, as I feel all TvGasm columns should with a little girl on girl action.

What do you get when you cross an over blinking Vulcan bot with a bland Muppet?

Well when you add a tinge of airbrush and “the right angle” you wind up with two sexy kneeling bed nymphs whose bosoms seem to be out for a midday stroll. In a show of uniformity and girl power, Maria and Jen C. are wearing similar business attire, that is if your business is at The Body Shop NUDE NUDE NUDE on the Sunset Strip in Hollywood. It appears that since losing her job due to anti-Semitic remarks made on the show Jen C. has resorted to stealing as seen here. Jen is attempting to take the Vulcan’s pearl necklace, but when Maria looks back and foils Jen’s plot, she has not choice but to put her hand atop the hip and give her a “mentos moment” look, shocking Jen and causing her to resort back to her “I’m a bad little girl who needs to be spanked” look, which had we seen in the board room someone might have heard a “you’re hired.”

Pearl necklaces aren’t the only things Jen C. has stolen. She has also stolen the heart of the Maxim editor who put her in a 3rd photo. This time, she’s all alone.

After a brief wardrobe change, Jen C. can now be seen kneeling once again, this time atop a chair and leaning back to her shoe, as if to say “I’m about to get naked, starting with this shoe. I’m soooo naughty! I could have been a naughty President.” A close inspection to the two Jen photos revealed an ab slimming gimmick. By kneeling and leaning her upper torso back, Jen’s abs seem a lot tighter and flatter than they otherwise would. Also, note how high her first skirt rides on her sides. Now look at the second photo. It would seem that were it not for the lean back and high belt line, we would be witnessing what some may refer to as a “nose rest” or “belly bump.” Are my abs perfect? No. Am I half naked in Maxim? No. Does Jen C. have access to a snarky website with millions of hits a week? No. Therefore I submit Jen C. is an airbrushed chunky monkey who got lucky with a slim face.


From M&M girl, to Maxim whore, Sandy proves one man’s trash is another mans page 124. The Apprentice wallflower tried to bloom in the last few episodes with a presumed makeover from finalist Jennifer. That bloom was ill fated, and ultimately just made her the hottest chick at the trailer park. But when Maxim fashionista’s, photographers and air brush artist’s had their way, her second bloom was somewhat more impressive. Her hair, healthy. Her legs, slender. Her slut skirt, Jen C’s? Even the Maxim folk took one look at her and said, “Ah crap. The hell are we gonna do with this lump. Umm, why not just toss her in that lice ridden skirt that other media whore just took off.” Despite the best efforts of the Maxim whore-makers, Sandy’s second blooming was less a rose and more, a chia pet. Kinda cool at first, but ultimately, a big fat so what? Though initially she may look like a Creole lady marmalade whore, the exquisite time piece below her left fun bag proves this lady has taste and could certainly be taken seriously as a


Hands down the most improved award has to go to Stacie J. I mean, seriously. Just look at her. Go ahead, get off the phone, turn off your ipod and just look to the right and the left. Take a good hard look. Who would have ever thought that a woman who is as sexually enticing as a meat shredder immersed in lemon juice, could make an astounding transformation from this ragged crispy witch of a woman…..

to this caramel coloured, long legged, ass cheek exposing, dream…

It is an impressive transformation, true. But, let us not go praising her work-out regime, diet and hair relaxer quite yet. Brilliant make-up wardrobe and airbrushing can go quite far. Don’t believe me? Equally as amazing transformations have taken place before, and inspired by Aerosmith’s lyric “Dude look like a lady” I have found my proof. Knowing a young man named Paul can make this TRANsition….

…it makes me far less impressed that Stacie has gone from hideously ugly to not quite as nasty. I mean, at least she began with the proper equipment, he had the uphill battle of…well…a penis, and his outcome spectacularly similar to hers. Lesson to be learned; if you take Stacie out on a date, pay particular attention to which restroom she uses.


Lastly, but certainly not least, we have Pamela. When executives for magazines known for fantasies, sexuality and youth brainstormed to come up with pictorial participants, it was only a matter of time before Pamela’s name came up. I would have expected it to come up by a drunken, sarcastic, possibly disgruntled executive, but no. Here it is. In a move which made me thrilled that Madeline Albright wasn’t on The Apprentice, Maxim executives decided any vaginally laden Apprentice candidate would qualify for the spread. Even if they carry spare change, not in their purses, but in their eye bags. Even if they have jowls that would inspire Droopy Dog to suggest a lift. Even if they have the overall demeanor of a line backer, no woman will be left un-whored.

If Tom Hanks can meet Nixon, if Smiegle can quest for a ring, and if Nemo can be found, then I don’t know why I am in such shock that Pamela can be “look-at-able.” There is so much wrong with this photo though, it’s hard to know what to point out, and what is so blatant it would just insult the reader. To begin, what’s with the face? They brushed more bags than Jenna Jameson’s tongue in an orgy. It doesn’t even look like a photo but rather a painting. You can even see the clear line of where the airbrushing fades above her clavicle right around where her double parallel turkey neck begins to be exposed. I do appreciate her maintaining her business professionalism by wearing a business blazer. A true professional. She definitely has ample chest moons, but the authenticity of those come into question when you notice the “shine” which gives them their fullness shares and eerie similarity to the “shine” on her cheeks and forehead. Very airbrush looking. Now glance down and notice her waste line. Its thinner then her head. I smell doctored. Perhaps the least impressive and most distracting sell out moment of the whole thing for me, are the panties with the thumb hook. Its less as if you are looking at a teen model posing and more as though you are looking at a ripplingly old single mother trying to stay connected to her daughter by being hip, meanwhile the Friday night panties are leaping out, gasping for some fresh air. On the plus side, Maxim does answer the age long question, “What would Murphy Brown look like if she was a classy Jenny Jones guest?”

God bless Candace Bergen Humor.
She’s officially a punch line.

It’s unclear what these women’s motivations where in posing for this spread. If they expect it to do wonders for their celebrity careers, their just kidding themselves. In two weeks they will be as relevant as Vicky The Robot. If they expect to maintain integrity in the business world…I’m sorry, that should read “obtain integrity,” my bad….I don’t think this is the best method to do so. Though I suppose it depends on what business field they want to accell; because the more I look at these photos the more I do give credit that they all look like working girls. Bachelor parties in Arkansas LOOK OUT!

If you are opening a bar with saw dust on the floor, and are looking for someone to cut the red ribbon opening day, these are your girls!
(tips appreciated)