MILF in Iowa to Lil Jon: I Speak Jive!

Bad news everyone. Last night’s episode of The Apprentice was so great, it’ll be hard to top it the rest of the season. We may come close, but honestly, this was as good as it gets. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, we had all the elements working for us. We had the signature Chris meltdown, we had Tana’s Mary-Kay-cum-Ebonics performance, we had George and Carolyn at their berate-iest best, and we even had the surprise ouster of one of the frontrunners to win the whole shebang. Oh, and Lil Jon too!

Okay, if you just did a Dave Chappelle “whAAAT? okAAAY!”, you really should stop. No disrespect, but, well, it’s only funny when he does it.The episode began with Tana and Chris debating as to who would return from the board room. Common sense dictated that Audrey would be leaving, but Chris was a bit nervous that his best bud John might get the axe. “John’s my boy,” lamented Chris, desperately trying to contain his rage. Thankfully, Tana was kind enough to poke at him with the stick of anxiety by asking “If Mr. Trump says ‘John, you’re fired,’ what would you do?” Chris immediately jumped on Tana, grabbed her collar, and yelled “I SAID JOHN IS MY BOY! DON’T FIGHT ME ON THIS BITCH. I WILL CRUSH YOU. I WILL CRUSH YOU!”

Luckily, all the worrying was for naught as John, Angie, and Craig returned safe and sound to the loft. “Craiggers!” squealed Tana, happy to see her teammate (and to execute his freshly minted nickname). As everyone reveled in the sigh of relief that is the post-boardroom evening, Chris commented that John was like his big brother. “And I am his little brother. His little, angry brother who has no control over the sound of his VOICE!!!!”

The next morning, Angie got the phone —  again — and received instructions from Rhona for teams to not only meet Trump in the boardroom, but to choose Project Managers ahead of time. Oh, and it better be someone who hasn’t been a PM before. Man, Rhona’s really needy today. What else do you want? A bouquet? A jar of olive tapenade?

They know about the dead body…

I’ll just poison them.

Anyway, Magna chose the quietly capable Kendra to be Project Manager while Net Worth elected Chris. Oh yes. This was gonna be good. In some form or another, we just knew Chris would be in the hot seat. Unfortunately, we later discovered that the task wasn’t quite a high pressure challenge, but I’ve already gotten ahead of myself. The teams arrived in the boardroom where Trump announced that there would be a corporate reshuffling. Kendra sent Erin and Stephanie over to Net Worth while Chris exported Tana and Craig. The trade worked out well, according to Tana, because Erin and Stephanie were the two most obnoxious girls in the suite. Or so she heard. Ouch. Tana with the out-of-left-field dis. Looks like someone went from Mary Kay to Mary Cu— never mind.

Trump informed the teams that they would be producing a live, eleven-minute celebrity auction on Fuse to raise money for the Elizabeth Glazer Pediatric AIDs Foundation. Ah yes, the traditional celebrity cameo episode. At least this time around, teams would be dealing with musicians instead of recycled NBC stars (Carson Daly, Rocco DiSpirito anyone?). Net Worth was given the Barenaked Ladies, Gene Simmons, New Found Glory, Simple Plan, and Fat Joe to work with. Yawn. Magna had Lil’ Kim, Lil’ Jon, Lil’ Moby, Eve, and Jadakiss. Not a bad lineup. Honestly, the odds were against Net Worth. I mean Barenaked Ladies? When was the last time they played a concert that wasn’t for middle schoolers?

Anyway, Net Worth came up with a quick strategy. The girls would go with John to meet the artists — or “legends” as Chris called them. Yes, A Simple Plan is a legend in the lame, bubble gum poprock genre. To think, without them, we’d have no Ryan Cabrera, and that would be a darned shame. Anyway, Chris and John’s entire plan predicated on the ladies softening up the artists with their looks and giggles while John would negotiate some sort of celebrity service. And by “negotiate”, John meant he would wear a wallet chain. You know, to make him seem less like a corporate suit and more like a corporate poseur. Anyway, the chauvinism came on pretty thick as John commanded the ladies to be giggly and dumb. Charming. Thankfully, Erin and Stephanie asserted themselves as independent women by… giggling and being dumb? Oh man. Carolyn’s gonna hate this.

John’s piggishness continued as he later said “Stephanie is a fluffer.” By that analogy, we’ll assume John is the double ended dildo. I guess with John it’s not that he doesn’t have much respect for the women, it’s more that he doesn’t have any respect for them at all. Yeah, I understand the value of playing up whatever preconceived notions someone has about you to gain leverage, but seriously, this was pretty obnoxious. Sadly for John, after all of Stephanie and Erin’s “fluffing”, he followed through with a, ahem, limp performance. Nearly every idea he had was “You’ll go to a kid’s house and play a set there.” Cut to the Barenaked Ladies sheepishly interjecting “Um, we actually tour kid’s houses already. Can we just bid on hanging out with Fat Joe?”

Speaking of Fat Joe, I was particularly impressed with Stephanie’s choice of headwear upon meeting the hefty MC. Taking a page from Kristin earlier this season, Stephanie brandished a big, floppy hat that did little to boost her street cred. Honestly, I was surprised she didn’t say “Ah, you must be Obese Joseph! I love your song, ‘Casually Adjust Backwards.’”

Things at Magna, meanwhile, were running smoothly and hilariously. I knew we would be in for good times when the prim and serious Kendra said, “We actually have our first appointment I believe at 1:30 with Lil’ Jon.” I love the matter of fact way Lil’ Jon just entered her sentence. What train wreck would befall us?

Somewhere in the mix of all this, Trump informed us to “Go Big or Go Home,” and as Lil’ Jon provided a chipper remix of the standard Apprentice music, I realized we were about to witness something big —  and we were not going home. “Yo, we’re going to the hit factory!” exclaimed a freshly gangsta Tana as she, Kendra, and Craig walked into Lil’ Jon’s lobby. Soon, the ubiquitous rapper/odd-noise-maker greeted the team with a cheery “How y’all doin!” and the Tana Show began. For those of you wondering, the answer is yes, the Tana Show is the Greatest Show on Earth.

Please reunite these two.

Lil’ Jon and Tana got along swimmingly as she admired his jewelry and crunk apparel. I could already sense the VH1 execs pitching “Strange Love 2.” And for the record, I would totally watch a show about Tana and Lil’ Jon. Anyway, the negotiations became hot and heavy, resulting in Tana enthusiastically blurting out, “Now we be talkin’!” Ah. Mazing. Later, as she gazed upon his bejeweled goblet, Tana asked “Do you know how many kids would want to hold your cup?” YEAHHH. Dammit, I couldn’t resist the Lil’ Jon joke that I had so ruthlessly disparaged. Feel free to deduct one point from my comedy cred. Seriously though, props to Tana for providing the best pun of the night.

Carolyn laughs at Tana’s new hood-rat sensibilities.

Seeing that the negotiations were in the capable hands of T-Dogg and Craig, Kendra wisely returned to the Fuse studios to put together her webcast. She really wasn’t sure what she wanted to do but did lay down one ground rule: no cucumber. Bren then called his truck full of phallic vegetables and sent it back to D’Agostinos.

Tana meanwhile was quickly becoming BFF with half the hip hop community. Eve looked about ready to invite Tana into the Ruff Riders, especially after Tana screamed “STOP! DROP! SHUT EM DOWN! OPEN UP SHOP!” Incidentally, when Eve asked Tana how she knew those lyrics, she just gave her a puzzled expression and said “Those are lyrics? I was just telling how I conquered the Mary Kay empire. STOP! DROP!” Tana later charmed Jadakiss —  aka the other guy on this episode 50 Cent wants to shoot. By this point, T-Dogg had become so in touch with her hood roots that when Jadakiss balked at an idea, all she had to say was “Sheeeit. Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don’ want no help, chump don’t GET da’ help!”

Eventually Craig and Tana encountered Lil’ Kim who appeared to be all smiles and giggles, but that may have been the Joker-esque facial surgery talking. “Someone would love going on tour with you,” said Tana. Oooh! Does that include front row seats to her perjury trial? You know, the one about the shooting in her entourage? Hey, maaaaaaybe people will pay to get shot too! In the words of Tana, “Someone would really diggity that.”

Soon it was time for Magna’s live broadcast. I don’t really remember how it happened, but a general discussion about MILFs broke out. Tana then dropped her 13,00th notable quotable of the day by proclaiming, “I’m a MILF in Iowa!” Hey Middle-America – that was for you! Wave at the camera!

Like one of those punching dolls that springs right back to life, Tana imparted quote 13,001 about two seconds later when she explained that a MILF is “A mother I’d love to fool around with.” Um, actually, that’s a MILFAW, but you know, at least Tana has some humor about everything. And thankfully, she really can’t do anything THAT much more embarrassing, right?

Oh, so very wrong.

Tana and Craig went live on Fuse, and immediately shock rolled over the nation as Tana welcomed us into her hood. “All you playas in the hizzy, check it. I was up in Lil’ Jon’s crib for only twenty minutes, and it was tight. He keeps it crunk. I got crunkified and you could get crunky with him for an entire day. That would be straight up boo-yah!”

Wow. That was amazing. Simply amazing. You know, one of my trademark writing styles is that I like to toy with the truth, add goofy lines of dialogue and such. I don’t even have to. Nothing I could write could ever be as fantastic as that. I mean “I got crunkified and you could get crunky with him for an entire day”? That’s pure genius. Here’s the thing. Had almost anyone on this cast said that, it would have been funny, but Tana? TANA? This is a Mary Kay woman we’re talking about here. All I have to say is “Encore. Encore.” Standing ovation in the TVgasm offices.

Next up was Net Worth. Erin took the reigns as a co-VJ while Chris sat in the background and acted cool. Just to show he was a rocker amongst men, Chris donned some trendy shades and a dark, fitting t-shirt that just barely revealed his oh-so-original tribal tattoo. Honestly, he looked like a roadie for Foreigner. Whatever’s clever though. Rock on, man!

YOU MUST BID OR ELSE I WILL KILL YOU!

To her credit, Erin was great on the broadcast. Even Trump had to comment on it. She could really have a career as a cable hostess. Just please… lose the hair. Anyway, when The Donald had had enough of these shenanigans, he commanded Rhona to get the limo: HE’S GOING TO FUSE. With great fanfare, Trump soon arrived at the station, and curiously, his driver opted to parallel park a good three feet from the curb. I guess they needed room to unfurl the red carpet. And don’t forget the rose petals. NEVER forget Trump’s rose petals.

Anyway, the final results of the Fuse auction were $11,325 for Net Worth and $21,654 for Magna. Wowsas. Apparently the Moby and Lil’ Kim offerings garnered over $19,000 for the team alone. Well, that was an ass whooping. I’m sure Kendra will now receive a lovely reward. “Kendra, your reward is not going to be a reward,” said Trump, noting that raising money for charity is reward enough. Kendra had a waxy smile on her face that seemed to say “Yes, it is. But seriously Mr. Trump. Where’s my reward?”

Back at the loft, Chris and John strategized for the board room. Angie observed quietly, noting that she feared Chris might throw himself under the bus to save John. Man. Chris LOVES John.

Later, the team shuffled into the boardroom where Trump asked what happened. “Luck of the draw,” insisted John in a delightfully misguided defense. Carolyn quickly reprimanded him, saying that chance wasn’t the main factor. Momma no likey the lucky charms! George meanwhile was quite irritated that Chris had delegated the negotiations off to someone else. “Why didn’t you negotiate?” he asked many times. Chris had a pat answer to his critics: “You can’t give these prices away if you don’t have a successful show and a successful segment.” He then pulled at his hair and yelled “MUST HAVE A GREAT SHOW!” Robyn then rushed in and tasered Chris into submission.

George then went on a long, well-articulated lecture about the art of negotiating. Trump asked him if he was a fan of Fat Joe, but our favorite grandpa simply laughed and said “Simon & Garfunkel!” Yeah, that’s the stuff! You know George had his hair in a puffy Garfunkel ‘fro in the ’70s.

Eventually, Chris picked John and Erin to return to the boardroom with him, and then the real fireworks began. After chastening John for his poor negotiation skills, Trump, George, and Carolyn lit into Chris for his delegation choices. Why didn’t he oversee the most important element of the task? Chris finally responded to George’s hardball cross examination by yelling, “SIR, I’M THE BEST NEGOTIATOR AT THIS TABLE AND THAT IS A FACT!” (And yes, he was speaking in caps). With that being said, Carolyn then asked the next logical question: so why didn’t you do the damn negotiating? Uh… um… because he wanted to taste the new Ben & Jerry’s flavors?

Suddenly Carolyn and Chris went at it, and while I don’t remember the specifics of their beef, I do know that Chris said “Carolyn” many times and I’m pretty sure at one point he was about one syllable away from an aneurysm. Man, this was awesome. Still, Chris couldn’t get away from the delegation problem, and when George cornered him on it again and asked why he didn’t negotiate, Chris shouted “I JUST TOLD YOU WHY!!!” Oh damn. Looks like someone got a little too crunkified. George immediately shot the rage-aholic down, doing a little Travis Bickle by way of Wall Street: are you raising your voice to me? Are you raising your voice to me?

In the middle of all this, Erin started babbling about something, but Trump did his little mercy warning, saying basically if she talks any longer, she might get fired. Suddenly her mouth clamped so tight I thought she may have had lockjaw. Chris meanwhile calmed down, and it became pretty apparent that although he had erred, the real liability was John. Even though he was a frontrunner to take home the big prize, Trump handed John the pink slip and sent him on his way to a new corporate life full of fluffers and wallet chains.

As the episode ended, Erin and Chris returned to the loft, and just before we cut away to commercial, we saw Erin bouncing into the suite, presumably into the bling-covered arms of Tana. John, meanwhile, was dumbfounded at his expulsion, and as he gave his parting words in the cab, he dismissed Trump’s actions, saying the boss man decided to fire him “for some reason.” Well John, at least you’ve proven that you can run a fast food joint really well.

I DO NOT HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM!

What do you think? Should Trump have fired John?