Recap: The Apprentice: They Should Have Been Called Team Ramrod

By Jordan

Before watching this week’s episode of The Apprentice, I made sure to check out NBC’s website because I had read that every wannabe apprentice is labeled with a one word description.  Instead of legitimate descriptions (The Idiot, The Kiss-Ass, The Guy With Half a Brain) we get things like “The Philosopher,” “The Believer,” and…”The Hair?”  What the hell is that supposed to mean?  Maybe we’ll find out this week… 

Anyway, last week on The Apprentice we met 18 new Type A’s and Heidi led her team (now named Kinetic – did I miss something?) to victory.  And at the end of the day, Martin, The Philosopher, reminded us of the old adage, “If you dress like a picnic table, you will be fired.”  Was that Plato?  Socrates?  I’m not really sure.We open in Tent City where the losing team is wondering who is coming back to live outside for another day.  Frank returns to a chorus of cheers and goes into this long celebration speech about how he’s full of fire and New York attitude and whatnot, all the while apparently forgetting that he lost the last task.  But then again, NBC’s website has nicknamed Frank “The Mouth” so I guess he’s just trying to live up to his one word nickname.  I think the cheers are more for Martin’s departure than for Frank’s arrival because everyone was getting tired of hearing made-up African sayings.

Opening credits roll.  Money Money Money!

Two phones ring at what looks like 4:45 in the morning, and what I believe is a very scary-looking Kristine and Aaron learn they have to meet the Donald at Pacific Palisades Park at 8:30.  Was a 4:45 wakeup call really that necessary?  I guess it might be for the folks living in…Tent City!  We get to a few shots of the newly named Team Arrow struggling to live outside, and Carey bitches to us how hard it is living in a tent.  Whatever.

And to the park we go, overlooking Santa Monica beach.  Trump announces that the bathing suit business is a “MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS.”  What, no specifics?  How many billion?  This will torture me all week.  This task is to design and manufacture a line of bathing suits for bathing suit manufacturer Trina Turk, and the team that makes the most money selling to the buyers wins.  And as an added bonus, the entire winning team will be exempt from the next challenge!  Wha?  Trump is really getting crazy this year.

Kristine, looking a lot less disheveled than she did at 5 in the morning, reiterates what we already know.  The stakes are huge.

Back at the beach, Nicole is ready to take over Team Arrow, even though she has no voice.  At least when they lose again she’s got an excuse.  “But Mr. Trump, nobody could hear me.”

Team Arrow gets in their van and begins discussing strategy.  Carey, the Perfectionist, begins sketching some…designs.  Aaron describes the sketches as “Short, tight, trunk cuts.  The men’s swimsuits that Carey wears are probably not the same that most guys in America wear because Carey is gay.”  Let the stereotyping begin.  Aaron added, “I’m surprised Carey isn’t in jail or selling crack to your children because Carey is black.”  But Aaron does have a point.  Those sketches do look pretty er…gay.

Over at Team Kinetic, Heidi, The Hottie (no seriously, that’s what it says over at NBC.com) is still PM after leading her team to victory last week.  Jenn tells us that their theme is “beachwear, but kicked up a notch.”  What, like flames shooting out from the nipples?  Bam!

Heidi doesn’t like the first bathing suit at all, and I mean, she would know.  She is a hottie.  Marisa and Heidi get into a little tiff but in the end Heidi lets Marisa keep it so she can be blamed later if it’s a failure.  Yay scapegoating!

Back at Team Arrow, Carey’s abortion of a bathing suit is coming to life and he couldn’t be prouder.  Carey comes out modeling his creation and it’s kind of this tiny, pinkish thing that NO MAN IN AMERICA WOULD EVER WEAR.  Perhaps Carey thinks this competition is being held in Barcelona?  Carey tells us that “This design is designed for one type of consumer.”  Yeah.  Women.  And himself.  Carey thinks there is a market for his design.  I’m all for equal opportunity and everything, but I’m starting to really see Aaron’s perspective on this.  That is one gay bathing suit.

Tim, who looks exactly like Ryan the Temp from The Office, tells us that he thought Carey was trying to be funny by wearing a woman’s suit.  Look Tim, not all homosexuals are cross-dressers.  Some of them are just dumbasses with really, really bad ideas.

Even though everyone is apparently in agreement that Carey’s creation is the worst idea ever, only Michelle speaks up and says she doesn’t like it.  That’s because Michelle is The Bitch.  Wait nevermind, she’s The Closer.  But now the rest of Team Arrow thinks she’s The Bitch.  It’s unfortunate, because right now Michelle’s the only one making any sense.  Nobody likes Carey’s suit except for him. 

Next, they try to figure out pricing.  Nicole gets into a bit of an argument with Michelle trying to figure out a price and Carey gets annoyed that Michelle doesn’t have much of an opinion on price.  I wouldn’t have much of an opinion on price either if I was trying to sell Carey’s bathing suit.  I don’t think you could give those things away at a Liza Manelli convention.

Back at the beach a runway has been set up and a bunch of people come to what is going to be the worst fashion show ever.  Project Runway this is not.  Nicole and Carey nominate themselves to be a part of the show because they don’t have enough models for all of the bathing suits.  I’m pretty sure that Carey has hijacked this entire task just to get himself something to wear to the beach as he could not be any more full of himself right now.

Trump walks down to the beach and throws his socks at…was that Melania?  I don’t think so.  Everyone smiles as they watch The Donald strut barefoot to the runway.  Trina Turk herself comes out and announces the start of the show.

Kinetic is up first and their collection is fairly modest.  Surya comes out and models one of their men’s suits, and I think I just figured out why NBC has decided to call him “The Hair.”  Surya’s got this weird arrow of hair pointing up to his neck as if to say “This guy needs a wax.”

Carey give us his thoughts on Kinetic’s collection, “The first suit came out and I was like oh!  The second suit came out and I was like eh, I could see it.  Then the third suit came out and I was like OH HELL NO!”  Uh uh girlfriend, no you didn’t!  Wait, Carey is gay? 

Now it’s time for Arrow and Carey couldn’t be more excited to show off his package.  Trina announces his design as “not for the faint of heart.”  The understatement of the year, ladies and gentlemen.  Not only is this the worst concept of all time, but everyone begins laughing.  Says Derek, “I’m gay but, what a shock it was.”  Wait, Derek’s gay too?  Shouldn’t NBC have described one of these guys as The Homo?  Is that any worse than The Hottie?  Derek isn’t much of a fan of the suit either and tells us that Carey “flamed up” the runway.  Yes, yes he did.

After the show, Muna says she doesn’t know any man that would wear Carey’s suit.  Up until now, I didn’t even know this woman was on the show.  Muna?  Where did she come from?  This was the only time I’ve heard her speak in two weeks.  The dark horse candidate perhaps? 

And it’s time for the results.  Trina Turk announces the winners, and once again, Kinetic has done it!  Shocking.  Trina also says that Arrow lost because their menswear sucked and only sold $350.  No kidding.  As the reward, Kinetic will be visiting the Playboy Mansion.  Now that’s a reward!  Bite me Wolfgang Puck.  Although I’m not entirely sure how this is relevant.  Aren’t Playboy models known for what they’re NOT wearing?  Oh well, who cares? 

Back at Tent City, Carey tells the team that he’s not going to campaign to stay, which is good because I don’t think he’s going to get any support anyway.  Stefani says she’s so mad that she could spit and Frank and Aaron are both nauseous.  See, this is how they should have expressed themselves when they first saw Carey’s suit and maybe they wouldn’t have been in this position.

Team Kinetic arrives by limo at the Playboy Mansion and is met by Hugh Heffner’s three dingbat girlfriends.  I smell a Girl’s Next Door episode about this.  Hugh Heffner introduces himself to the team and everyone can’t stop smiling.  Is this really much of a reward to the women (and Derek) on Team Kinetic?  Only Surya and his weird arrow of body hair can really enjoy this, right?  They go out to the pool and there are half-dressed women everywhere.  Derek looks to the sky and screams “Why God, why did you have to make me gay!?”  Or maybe he just thought it. 

Trump arrives to the party and introduces Heidi as the PM.  Marisa tells us that she doesn’t love the notion of Heidi remaining the PM until they lose.  And I agree.  I think this is the stupidest new idea of this season.  How is Trump supposed to see how the others work as the leader?  Just a bad idea.  Not as bad as Carey’s mankini, but bad.

Derek gets tossed into the pool by two party guests and again rues his sexual orientation.

Back at Tent City, Tim, Nicole, and Michelle discuss their current situation.  Tim the Temp tells Michelle that she’s not his kind of person.  He thinks she’s on the block because she didn’t get along with the rest of the team.  Hmm, so because she’s the only person that spoke up against Carey’s hijack attempt, she should be fired? 

Team Arrow heads to Trump’s mansion and it’s boardroom time, with Heidi once again sitting in.  Trump enters, and in a bit of irony, is sporting a pink tie.

Nicole says they lost because they took a risk on men’s suits.  Trump tells them that nobody in the board room would wear that gay, pink suit except for Carey.  Carey defends the men’s suits.  Trump asks Carey if he’s gay and says he’s never heard that term before, “gay suit.”  Good thing this isn’t a real job because Trump might have a lawsuit on his hands.

Ivanka chimes in and also says that Carey’s suit was tailored to only one person’s taste.  Carey’s.  But Carey can’t see the light and decides to blame Michelle for the loss because she didn’t get along with the team. 

They go down the row and nearly everyone recommends firing Carey.  Aaron recommends firing Michelle, as does Carey.  James separates himself by blaming Nicole since she was the PM.

Nicole chooses Carey and Michelle to return to the boardroom with her, where one of them will be fired.  Alone in the boardroom, Heidi thinks this might be Nicole’s fault and Trump wonders if Carey “ramrodded” his idea through.  Ramrodded?  Really?  I can only hope this becomes the new saying of Apprentice LA.  “Mr. Trump, at the end of the day, I stepped up and stopped Carey from ramrodding his idea down my throat.” 

Back in the boardroom, Carey says he took a risk and if his team didn’t like his suit he would have changed it.  And he’s got a point.  Nobody seemed to speak up except for Michelle, who tells Trump that she did in fact speak up against the pink mankini.  Nicole apparently was all for pink because “pink is the new black.”  It is?  I’m glad these people are on the Apprentice and not Project Runway.  Especially Carey.

Carey goes off on a tangent about Michelle being indecisive about price point, even though they wouldn’t have sold any men’s suits regardless of the price.  Somehow, the entire conversation gets off that ugly mankini and onto Michelle being “indecisive.”

Trump gets them back on track and picks up Carey’s suit (with a pen because he doesn’t even want to touch the awful thing) and tosses it on the table in disgust.  Ivanka asks if Carey designed this for a too specific market.  Carey defends some more but it’s not looking good.  Trump then asks Michelle if Carey “ramrodded that suit down their throats.” 

Trump says, “Carey, I’m going to give you that suit but Carey, you’re fired.”  Good.  At least he got to keep the suit, which I’m pretty sure is all he cared about anyway.

I still think if they’re going to do this whole Tent City thing, they need to go all out.  Send Carey to the airport in a rickshaw or something.  In the car, Carey tells us he doesn’t think he “ramrodded anything down anybody’s throat.”  I don’t know Carey, I think maybe you should have been The Ramrodder.

Did you agree with Trump’s decision?  Was Carey a ramrodder?  And would anybody anywhere ever wear that hideous pink thing?