Release The Hounds

Question: Was there ever a song in the Wizard of Oz about munchkins expiring? I only ask because after a few weeks of “Ding dong the witch is dead” comments from Stacy and Raj, it seems as though the flying house that is Donald Trump’s wrath has landed squarely on the resident munchkin this time. I’m curious if there might be a song like “La la, a munchkin died!” that would be appropriate for everyone to sing. Just curious.

Yes, at long last, Stacy was finally fired from The Apprentice last night, and this just in – she’s still talking. It was inevitable that our budding lawyer would never make it to the halfway mark because, well, her greatest idea up to this point was being really really annoying. Still, she did have some assets. Okay, well, maybe not. But she was instrumental in getting uber-moron Jen C. fired, and we can all be thankful of that.As usual the episode started off with the gang unwinding in the apartment, talking a mile a minute about the previous boardroom. Apparently it was Tex-Mex night at Casa Del Apprentice as Ivana served up a plate of droopy, sad nachos. They looked about as appetizing as Red Velvet Cake Ice Cream. Before anyone could even chow down though, the phone ominously rang. Wes made a bee-line for the phone, noting that he’d never answered it before. Maybe he was expecting to win a sweepstakes? Well, sadly, all he got was Robin who simply requested the group’s presence in the boardroom. Hey, and let’s hear it for Robin. She had an extra line this week. Looks like she’s moving up in the world of fake receptionist…ing.

Anyway, everyone all zipped down to the boardroom, causing Andy to lament, “I just got back. I wanted to eat my taco.” Aww. Poor thing. Give the boy a taco. Seriously. Otherwise we might be subjected to comments like “Mr. Trump, it was not my fault that I underperformed. I was without taco.” We’ll never know if Andy ever had his taco, but that’s because Trump had bigger and better things to do – namely, switch up the group. Jen and Wes became project managers for this task and per Trump’s usual divisive request, they kicked off three people from their teams that they didn’t want. Wes bid adieu to Raj, Chris, and Kevin (surprise upset keeping Andy and all his taco baggage) while Jen nixed Sandy, Stacy and Maria. Sandy seemed mildly shocked, and Maria received the news with her usual icy Nazi death stare. But seriously – there’s only enough room on Team Apex for one QVC hostess. Surely Maria can bring the usefulness of her Home Economics minor with a concentration in Public Speaking to Wes’s team. You know, especially if the next challenge has to do with baking pie and talking to people.

After the mixup (and the last parting shots of George for the episode), everyone crammed into the elevator. People, there are two elevator banks. No need to wrinkle those designer suits and induce Maria’s Hulk-like rage. Nevertheless, up at the loft, the new teams regrouped and discussed their strengths and weaknesses. In an interview, Stacy observed that “the men think I’m really vocal and opinionated and ask a lot of questions, and they are absolutely 100% correct! [laughs to herself]” ZINGER! Another great notable quotable from the genius wit of Stacy! After last week’s Enron slam, I thought she wouldn’t be able to outdo herself. But no! Stacy, I beg – please stop, my rib cage is hurting so.

FYI – Stacy can be seen at JoJo’s Giggle Farm in Primm, NV next Tuesday at 4:30 pm.

The next morning, that other less attractive secretary called up and guess who answered the phone? Wes. Two times in a row. Looks like Mr. I Never Answered The Phone is on quite the roll. If this were Phone Survivor, I’d vote him off the island. Too much power! Anyway, the group shuttled off to Central Park where they met this week’s George: Allan Weisselburg. It’s a good thing Jen C. wasn’t around anymore because with a name like Weisselburg, she’d be hard pressed to keep her brand of anti-Semitic humor to a minimum. It would be like in Who Framed Roger Rabbit when the judge kept tapping “A Shave and a Haircut”, except instead of Roger Rabbit being restrained, it would be Jen, and instead of “A shave and a haircut”, it would be Judaism.

Anyway, this week’s blasé challenge was fairly vague: Do something with dogs and make more money. Hmmm… not quite as fancy schmancy as the lemonade task from last year. I wonder if the producers were debating between this and a bakesale/carwash. Clearly this challenge was created at the last minute due to some snafu with a pre-planned mission.

Nevertheless, Team Apex decided to embark on a dog washing service. Jen and the crew went about assailing pet owners for simple washes. Based on Raj’s suggestion, she then deployed the crack team of Chris and Ivana to give dog massages on the East Side. This was also known as the greatest con of all time. Last time I looked, a dog massage was known as “petting”. Meanwhile, Jen and Kevin upgraded their services to include a nail clipping service which looked extraordinarily painful, especially when Jen proudly declared later “I only had two bleeds.” Ewww. What was she clipping off? Their paws?

Exactly whose butt is Jen looking at?

Over at Mosaic, Wes et al. had opted to get a charity behind this event to increase customer traffic. Unfortunately, the only charity they could find was one called Kitty Care or something like that. And yes, in case you were scratching your head, it’s for cats, not dogs. Hmmm… I wonder whose brainchild this was? Why it was from Andy! Yes, the creator of Crustacean Nation had outdone himself. Sadly though, just after nabbing the charity deal, Andy’s malnourished state caused him to leave the cell phone in the taxi. If only he had eaten that taco!

Frau Maria was fairly displeased with this revelation. For her part, she looked like she had just come in from the Mother Ship as her tinfoil astronaut jacket had that weathered, “That was a fun ride through the atmosphere” look. Knowing that she was exempt from getting fired, Maria didn’t do much in this mission except prance around in her heels and stare down puppies with a look that said “You WILL be washed!” Around this time Carolyn came by to passive aggressively attack Maria, saying that she seemed to be selling herself more than the dog service. Oooh, Carolyn called Maria a ‘ho. No she di’int!

With business not so booming, Stacy decided to lend her creative thinking to situation. Why not charge $5 for Polaroids of your dog in a stupid costume? That sounds fantastic. Can the dogs wear capelets?

Meanwhile, Stacy’s yammering seemed to annoy everyone, especially Sandy who noted that the Munchkin never once offered to bring her a cup of water. Wow. EVERYONE brings Sandy water! Why no love from Stacy? She’s such a water-not-giver! Let’s see now. Andy wanted a taco, Sandy wanted some water – can’t these people feed themselves?

Anyway, at the end of the day, Jen – who has always been the strongest woman in my book – led her team to a huge victory over Wes and Mosaic. Earning over two hundred dollars more than their opponents, Apex won the opportunity to meet with NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg, or Scrooge McDuck as New Yorkers are wont to call him. I personally like Bloomberg, so I’m going to call him Mr. Awesome. Eh, that sounds really stupid. I just won’t call him anything at all. Nevertheless, the team made its way over to Gracie Mansion which Raj eloquently pointed out was “graceful.” Apparently that bowtie does not come with wit.

For her part, Jen assailed Bloomberg with some Barbara Walters-esque questions which had me hoping that she might ask “If you could be a tree, what sort of a tree would you be?” Raj dutifully listened to Bloomberg, smiling – then laughing – in a cheesy infomercial way with a stupid sparkle in his eye.

Less cheerful was Mosaic which shuffled in behind Maria and her HUGE broche. Okay, a few weeks ago we were lucky enough to see Maria’s blue flower broche, and that seemed pretty big. But last night’s overgrown horticulture made me wonder if Maria might be carrying a spy camera under there or maybe a mic. Now if only she’d put her giant broche on her bedazzled blazer, then we’d have a real sartorial disaster.

Trump and his cronies were a little cranky in the boardroom. Carolyn even bashed Kelly. She asked him how many dogs he had washed in the first two hours. He replied eight. She informed him that it was four. Tricky Carolyn! Way to set him up and then bring him down. She wasn’t the only one who was feeling a little ornery though. Trump was quite angry at Andy for losing the cell phone and effectively preventing the team from splitting up into two groups. “You’ve sort of been a disaster,” he said. I like when The Donald says stuff like that: “You’ve sort of been sucking a lot” or “You sort of are the worst person here” or “You sort of are a complete failure in life.” It’s got a little passive aggressive ring to it that really works well with reality TV.

By the time the group had whittled down to Wes, Stacy, and Andy, the panel’s wrath seemed to be focusing more and more on Stacy. Trump accused her of not selling her ideas and similarly not taking responsibility for anything week after week. This led to a bizarre moment when everyone kept agreeing with each other. Trump would say something and then Stacy would say “I agree!” and then Wes would say “I agree too!” Listen guys, it’s just too late for ass-kissing.

Eventually The Donald kicked Stacy down to the street where she and her shoulder-height luggage climbed into a taxi. With her head just barely seen over the taxi window, Stacy drove off into the night, much to the pleasure of, well, everyone. Oh, but she wasn’t gone yet. She continued to babble in the backseat of the cab for what seemed like minutes. Shut up Stacy, the credits are ending!

Just one little note before I wrap this baby up. I’m always excited for the Apprentice, but I think NBC has to calm down a little bit. They don’t need to oversell it. I mean, the promo for next Thursday boasted “Another boardroom first!” Picture me on the edge of my couch salivating. But all I got was Trump saying “Something must be missing with you.” Cricket cricket. So does every new Trump sentence deserve a promo? I don’t know. We’ll see…